Christmas...

I decided that I wanted a stocking this year so I made new ones for all of us. As I did Briana's name in silver glitter, I remembered the last time I did the kids names on stockings, he got drunk & threw Briana's stocking, smearing her name. The memory snuck up on me & hit me... hard. I don't want these sneaky memories to come out of nowhere. So I tried to battle it with a happy one. I mean, in 17 years together there had to be one, right? One Christmas that wasn't clouded by fights & his drunken anger?... No, not one Christmas that was truly peaceful. I can't even say that last Christmas was a happy peaceful Christmas.

Christmas is supposed to be full of love, happiness, peace, family, friends. But I am lonely, very lonely. I have great friends, true enough. And I have awesome kids, there is no doubt in that. I have a job, I have a vehicle, our needs are met, we aren't cold or hungry, we have clothes on our backs. All I wanted to do was give my children what they wished for on Christmas, and I stressed about it too much. But somehow I had forgotten that I have given us all what we have wished for for so long, peace at Christmas. For the first time in 18 years, there will be peace & quiet in our home.

So why can't I be happy with that? Why am I still angry with him? Angry with myself for spending so many years in unhappiness? Why can't I just look to the future & forget the past?

My rule of thumb...

is always "Don't let others get to me. I can't control how others act, only my reaction to them." Someone can only make me mad if I allow it. After spending half my life with someone that I loved, someone that I trusted, someone who's opinion mattered to me, someone who I allowed to control my emotions, someone who I allowed to affect my everyday life, my mentality... all by choice, I told myself never again.

So why did I let these miserable people get to me today? Because I am human & I can't be strong all the time.

It is so easy to sit there & tell me what I am doing wrong, to tell me how to do it, to tell me how to fix it, but on my side of the glass it's not so easy. We are all so very different & we think so very differently. Something that seems simple to you, is not so simple to me.

In a perfect world, a man & a woman meet, they date, they decide to get married & then have children, they take care of each other, they support each other through everything. Financial, emotional, physical, all of it, it is supposed to be a partnership. You are supposed to be able to trust this person you chose, because yes it was a choice.

But how do you know if your choice was right? You don't know, there is no way to know. Until one day you wake up in a miserable place in your head, all you can do is think of how you want out. Every decision you make brings you closer to that out until you finally break free.

What happens once your free? You don't know how to live so you live from moment to moment, no thought of consequences. You're free, that's all that matters.

Then reality crashes down on you, freedom doesn't taste so sweet. When the children you had together need more than you can give. When bills you never had to worry about because he took care of them start coming in. When your van won't start, you don't know what to do & he's not there to fix it.

What do you do then? You close your bedroom door & you cry & you cry & you cry some more. No, it won't fix any of it. So, pull on your big girl pants, wipe away your tears & do as you have always done, hope for a better tomorrow & smile.

What it is....

..... it's not getting down when you're not "the one". I like to believe you know, you just know when something is there. But along with that, you know when something is not there. It doesn't mean you aren't an awesome individual, it just means you aren't for them.

..... it's waking up & realizing that a friendship is so much more than you thought it was. It's realizing that you just fell in love with your best friend & didn't even realize it happened. But knowing you don't want to live without them.

..... it's making eye contact with someone across the room, feeling electricity & wanting to know more about them.

..... it's knowing that you want much more than sex so you take your time & truly enjoy someone's company before you decide to get intimate.

..... it's knowing in that place in your heart that there is a reason for your smile, there is a reason for those butterflies & enjoying every second of it.

..... it's knowing that while you don't have it now, one day you will, it will be special & magical, you will love every minute of it.

What it's not... it's not forcing something to be there that isn't. It's not settling just because you don't want to be alone.

Learning indifference...

I'm ready to reinvent myself, is this easy to do? It seems like it should be an easy thing to do...

Anyone who knows me knows that I am an open book. I guess I am very naive about people & the way they think. I don't hold back, I am a straight forward open-minded individual. But somehow my straight forward open-minded mentality backfires & my feelings get hurt, it makes me not want to be the person I am. Especially when someone shares their opinion of me & my choices with my daughter.

You don't have to agree with the way I choose to live... or the way I choose to love... or the way I choose to feel. But if you call me friend & you claim to care about me, then damnit you owe me basic respect, I would do the same for you.

Until you walk a mile in my shoes, until you've lived a moment of my life, you don't know how I feel, you don't know what I need or want. And until my decisions affect you in any way, you are in no position to judge me. We all make mistakes that we have to live with, they are ours alone to own up to, no one else's, leave me to mine & I'll leave you to yours.

Skating away on thoughts of a new day...

I have been doing a lot of thinking the last few days.... ok, so I think alot all the time. People have a tendency to be quick to judge a person for their actions & decisions. Why is this? I am the one to suffer the consequences, I am the one to look in the mirror every day, I am the only one that has to live with myself. I will not tell you that what you are doing is wrong... why? Because I don't have to live with it, you do.

I have also discovered that I have very little faith in people, in men especially. It's not a mentality that I want to have. But as I sat in my van today, wondering how I have become this person, I realized something, I am a product of my childhood, I am a product of my mother. And as I think of all the men that I have had a close personal relationship with, none have ever been positive in any way at all, from my birth to my marriage. It really doesn't make me a bitter or angry woman, it just makes it very easy for me to just walk away from people. Walk away & not look back. It doesn't mean I don't care, it just means that my heart is prepared for the day they will eventually walk away from me, as they always have.

My dream of a life on the road is a way to protect myself, I think, if I am not settled, I cannot get attached to anything therefore I cannot get hurt nor will I hurt anyone.

How do you learn to trust, how do you learn to love? How do you change a mentality that has been instilled in you from a very young age??

It's been a minute or two...

I have a whole lot on my mind tonight.

Have you ever held on to something longer than you should have? Like say... A blanket you had when you were a child? Or a letter someone wrote you? Or a picture? Or a pair of pants that you want so bad to fit into but deep down you know you never will? Or a even a person, friendship, relationship?

And further more, do you ever ask yourself why your holding on to them? I guess it's human nature to hold on to things? Letting go of that baby blanket makes you feel less secure? Letting go of that pair of pants means your giving up hope? Throwing away that letter or that picture is a goodbye? Why is it so hard & so scary to look towards the future & to let go of the past?

I've been holding on to something, something that I need to let go of. If I don't let this go, I will have no chance of moving forward. I know this without a doubt but I am so afraid. Why am I afraid?

My whole life, every time I think I am ready to set something aside & move forward, I am drawn back again, like a moth to a flame. Until I finally reach that point where I am done with it & I step forward. I am ready to step forward. The unknown is always scary, but as humans we adapt. Life throws curve balls all the time, the unexpected happens & we're not prepared for it, but we adapt. And we move on.

So next time you pull out those pants, or that letter or that blanket, ask yourself if you really need it. And the next time I am drawn back again, I'll ask myself if I really need it.

Drama, I will not have!!

Just when you think you are making the right decision, you get that slap in the face that it was the wrong decision, it couldn't have been more of a wrong decision. The thing that gets me in all of this, is that this man thinks his behaviors & actions are normal & acceptable. The longer that I am away from him, the more I see how truly fucked up he is. And the more sad I am that I spent so many years living in that, blinded by misery & loneliness. I neglected my children because of my misery.

I'm a thinker, always thinking, always thinking about people & who they are, thinking about the decisions they make. Thinking about myself & why I am the way I am, so reckless & not giving tomorrow any thought, living for the moment & only for the moment. And I think that it has to be because of so much disappointment in life. The more disappointment a person is dealt, the fewer expectations a person has. I have never known a true & complete happiness, so I will take these happy moments as they come to me.

Which leads me to these man issues I have & why I won't let a man in? Again, disappointment. Disappointment in my father, my brother & my future ex husband. No man has ever been totally decent to me, well, there are a couple now that are... But I am so afraid of more disappointment that I will be content in what I have with the people I have it with, no chance of disappointment.

For the second time in 17 years, he scared me a little yesterday, of course my "I am woman hear me roar" attitude kicked in pretty quick it still scared me to the point that I jumped at little noises I heard last night. I will not ever be afraid again. I will not ever feel that way again. And if that means living single for the rest of my life... so be it.

A bright & shiny awakening??

So it all came to me the other night. I go back & forth all the time between not wanting to be alone, to wanting to be alone. To not wanting a man, to wanting a man. Yea, it's borderline bi-polar :P . I have issues, I know this. But I always wonder why? Why the confusion? Why is it not cut & dry? It should be simple enough right?

Nothing is ever simple, not ever.

When I was like 5 I guess, my mom & dad split & my mom became a single mother. She worked 2 jobs & I had to step up & become my mom's right hand with my little brother. We went to visit my dad when I was 7 & Jesse was 5, my dad said he woke up one morning & I was in the kitchen at 7 making breakfast for my little brother, he said "no way, this is not gonna happen here & now."

Well, as a single mother, how in the hell do I not rely on my oldest child to help me?? I am not angry with my mom for that. It made me happy to help her, she's my mom!!

But when I was 9 she met a man, a man she decided she wanted to marry. She didn't give us a choice. He was mean, impatient & mean. He smacked me around a few times. And at 15 she let me move out because of him. She let me go, a 15 year old child, because of a man. It was easier for her to let me go.

Without any kind of guidance, I moved in with the first man who showed me any kind of real attention & then I gave him 17 years of my life, half of my life. I don't regret that but would it be wrong to wonder how different life would have been if things had been different?

I am terrified of making the same mistakes my mom might have made. I do not in any way want my children to feel like me & my brother felt. I am terrified that I will make the wrong decision & bring the wrong kind of person into my life & the lives of my children. I just can't do it. can't do it to them & I am scared to give the wrong person any more of my life.

I feel so completely screwed up over this. I guess we all have daddy issues & babydaddy issues, huh??

I lie...

to myself all the time.

I do want a man. I want a man to come home from work, come up behind me while I am cooking, wrap his arms around me & kiss my neck right where it meets my shoulder.

I want to lay in bed at night talking about everything by candlelight.

I wanna watch a man with Zach, teaching him how to fish or playing football with him. Or playing wii with all the kids.

I feel like I failed my children at picking the man I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I wonder if I will be alone forever because I am too scared to let a man get close, and honestly, a big reason is because I don't want my children to be hurt again. I don't want them to be heartbroken again.

Day 30: The grand finale!!

Your favorite song.

I can't do this one, I don't have a favorite song. I have songs that are timeless, no matter where I am or what I am doing, when this song comes on, I stop & listen. I have favorite songs of the moment. I have songs that I love because they make me think of my mom. I have songs that I love because they helped me get through a tough time. I cannot in any way pick just one.

So this is the end of the 30 day challenge. I want to issue my own 30 day challenge, I'm going to sit & make a list of 30 questions that actually matter. Things that people actually want to know, LOL!! I made it, not quite in 30 days but it is done!!

Day 29: Lessons...

In this past month, what have you learned?

I have learned that I am way too old to party like a rock star.

I have also learned that taking the easy way is never really that easy.

I learned that I am really not that special, noone is. We're all just warm bodies breathing the same air, doing the same things, living to the best of our ability.

And I've learned that acceptance is the only way to true inner peace, but yes I struggle with it all the time. I don't want to accept some things damnit. I want it to be my way... but it's not ever going to be my way.

Day 28: Then & now...

A picture from you last year, and now. What has changed since then?

I'm too lazy to find a picture. Basically I am 10 pounds heavier & much more haggard. I don't sleep enough, I drink more, eat worse. Most of the time I don't know how to act & I say & do really stupid shit. I am immature & irresponsible.

The biggest change has been the separation from my husband. I spent 17 years with him. I feel like a ship lost at sea most days. While I don't want to be with him, he was an anchor. Yea, he bitched if the dishes weren't done so I did them. Now, he is not here to bitch, he is not here to keep me in line. And man, I am having a really hard time.

How is it even possible to despise someone so much but yet feel so lost without them? I do not want him here in any way, shape or form, but damnit, this is fucking hard. Why did this have to happen? Why does anything have to happen?

Day 26: Friends... again.

What do you think about your friends?

I think this one is kinda pointless. One must think highly of a person to call them a friend, otherwise what's the point. I love my friends, every single one of them!!

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

“It is by chance that we met, by choice that we became friends.”

“True friendship is seen through the heart, not through the eyes.”

Day 25: Necessities...

What I would find in your bag.




My journal & pen, my iPod, my wallet, my Walmart badge, Breathsavers, vanilla spray, brush, lotion, & other random crap. My phone is almost always in my pocket. I carry a clear bag for work & a purse on my days off, depending on my mood. Sometimes I just throw my wallet & phone in my pocket.

Day 24: Dear....

A letter to your parents.

This was hard. I've avoided it.

Dear Mom,

I miss you. I miss you more than I ever thought I could miss you. It doesn't get easier, it gets harder, with each day, it gets harder. I have so many questions for you. I have so much I want to talk to you about. I want see you holding your grandchildren. I want to go shopping with you. I want to have coffee with you. I want to laugh with you. I want to cry with you.

You should be here with me.




Dear Dad,

It should have been you, not her... If I never see you again, it will be to soon.

Day 23: Crave or desire??

Something you crave for a lot.

Aren't cravings & desires pretty close in similarity? You crave sex or you desire sex? Or both? What exactly is a craving?

I crave chocolate on occasion, at least once a month. I crave affection all the time. I don't desire chocolate but I do desire affection.

I crave for a person. I crave that touch from them. I don't even crave actual sex anymore, I manage that just fine on my own. I crave hands & lips... affection.

I crave music. After a long day at work, I cannot wait to get in my van & put on my iPod. All day I crave it.

I crave coffee & Rockstar.

I crave pizza.

Crave is an odd word when said alot.

Handicap lesbian??

Okay, I need to write this down because it actually made me feel guilty. I turned off both of my alarms this morning & fell right back to sleep. And had the weirdest dream.....

I dreamed that I was working at a business somewhere, don't think it was Walmart though. There was this girl, in her 20's maybe, very plain, long straight hair, plain face, no makeup, nothing to her really, even her clothes were so non-descript that I don't even remember what they looked like. She watched me all the time. What made her handicapped was that she had to walk with crutch type things & could barely even stand up with them. I can't remember if she worked there or just came there alot.

One day I helped her with something, I had to get real close to her, she threw herself at me & she tried to hump me. I was caught off guard, lost my balance & we both fell down. I was totally embarrassed about falling with her, I helped her up & helped her into this office with a glass door & glass windows, where she sat on the couch.

She sat there all the time, just watching me, it creeped me out. I avoided her as much as I could. When I would go near the windows, she would just stare at me, I would wave & smile, all she would do was stare.

I started to try to avoid that window as much as I could & went a different way. But this new way took me in the path of this huge biker guy with an eye patch, for some reason he made me nervous so I tried to avoid making any eye contact with his one good eye.

And then I woke up, running late for work, ugh & feeling really bad about this dream.

Day 22: Different? Not really.

What makes you different from everyone else.

There is only one thing that I can think of that might possibly make me different from everyone else. And that is the fact that I will say almost anything at anytime. I have no shame, I say it like I see it, I say what's on my mind. Other than that, I don't see how I am different than anyone else.

Day 21: Love in Pictures

A picture of something that makes you happy.

I could fill this full of pictures of my kids, obviously. Or pictures of my friends. But I'll go with things other than people. There are so many things that make me happy, here are the 4 main ones, not really in any order.




This picture explains it all, the reason I love hockey!! The excitement, the aggression, the intensity, the skill, the speed, so many reasons!! My teams are Florida Panthers in the east in the NHL, Chicago Blackhawks in the west in the NHL & the Bloomington Prairie Thunder, our local minor league team. Just knowing that Bloomington had a hockey team made the move home even better.



When I walk into a bead store my eyes light up just like a kid in a candy store. I don't even know where to begin, all the different colors. All the different styles, shapes, sizes. I can spend hours in there just touching the beads & looking at the colors. I would love to have a bead store, playing with beads all day long would just be heavenly!!





There is only one place that I can feel totally & completely at peace, like nothing can touch me, no worries in the world, everything is right & good, that's at the campground. No this is not my picture & I have never camped in a place like this but one day I will.




Music is a part of my soul. From as far back as I could remember music was always there. My mom loved music. I remember there was a time she didn't have a TV in her room, just a stereo. When she wasn't home & I was in a bad place in my head, I would go into her room & lay on her floor listening to her music. It kind of made me feel like in her small way she was helping me. A day without music would be a day without air for me.

Day 20: Marriage??? NOT likely.

Someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future.

This one is tricky.

I do not in any way see me with anyone or even see marriage in my future. I even go back & forth between not knowing whether I want this or not. I feel so confused most days. I wanna be held & touched but when the opportunity arises I kinda freak out a little & back off, way off. Mainly because in those moments, the one doing the offering, didn't want anything more from me. I need friendship first, intimacy second. But I also don't need the kinda friendship that is started because of the desire for more.

The thing is, most of the men I come in contact with make me feel like all they want from me is to get in my pants.

I have fooled around with 3 men since I've been home. One was just one night of fooling around, a very good old friend. One was a whirlwind of a friendship, started quick & ended even quicker. It was lovely, I don't regret it but I do miss his friendship. And one was a very old rekindled friendship, that became a little more intimate than expected, I became more attached than I should & then I unintentionally killed it. I'm sure it was for the best but I miss it. We don't really know why things happen the way they do, and sometimes it's out of our hands.

It's really hard to get close to someone that you feel like only wants one thing from you. And I think I'm scared, I think I'm scared of feeling the same way again & then losing it. It's not even about a relationship, it's about a close trusting friendship. That's all I want right now, mainly because of my kids. But at the same time, I need to feel special, I need to feel wanted & needed.

There's such a fine line & I don't walk it so well, I guess.

I am not so good at relationships, I was horrible at marriage & I'm a basket case because of all this. I don't want a man to come in & take care of me, but I want him to be there when I need him. I know that's probably selfish of me but I don't know how else to be right now.

Day 19: What's in a name?

Nicknames you have and why you have them.

The only real nickname I have is "Anjie". Yes, I have grown up being called Anjie & everyone knows me by Anjie so it doesn't seem like much of a nickname. But shortened versions of names are nicknames.

My real name is Anjare. I hate it, I have hated it my whole life. I have even toyed with the idea of having my name permanently changed to Anjie. The one thing stopping me, I don't know how much this name meant to my mom :( . I couldn't take something away from her even though she is not here, would it matter? Yes, yes it would matter... to me.

I have somehow given myself the nickname of Sunshine & I kinda like being called Sunshine, maybe I should change my name to Anjie Sunshine? I could lose the Turcotte then too :P . And then maybe I should go look for that commune that I know a buncha hippies are still living at.

Off to finish.... start... continue with this glorious cleaning :P !!

Day 18: And what exactly do I have in mind?

Plans/dreams/goals you have.

The plan is to get my apartment cleaned very well & organized. I guess that is the goal too.

But the dream is so much better!!

I feel like a squatter. I don't feel like I am at home anywhere any more. I know these streets very well. And this is home in the fact that a very important part of my life was spent here. But I just feel like I am existing because I have to.

I have a wandering gypsy soul. The dream would be to have a very very small RV, like the size of a big van. It would be just me after all. I would drive all over the country to craft fairs & Ren Fests, that would be the best actually, selling enough jewelry & stuff to put gas in my RV & eat. No bills, no ties to anything or anyone. Except for my kids.

Maybe one day I would find a place to call home, a place where my heart feels at home.

I sometimes wonder if a person can be that place, like when you are with someone you feel totally at home no matter where you are. Could that be possible? Could I possibly never find a home because I am one of those people? Could I have a soul mate out there somewhere, that my heart belongs with?

I'm feeling kinda down & lonely. It was a long week & a crazy weekend that I don't regret but am not to proud of.

It's hard to explain this lonely feeling. It's not a feeling of wanting someone here with me now, it's more a feeling of wanting to know they are on the other end.... the other side. Know what I mean?

Anyway, I was cleaning, better get back to it. This turned into quite the mess :/ .

Day 17: Switcheroo?

Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.

I can't think of a specific person I would want to switch with. I would like to switch with someone who is content in their life, with the one they love, in the house they want to be in, working the job they want to work, able to pay bills without stressing, able to buy what they want or need, have a nice little savings account for rainy days, able to take trips whenever they want.

Yes, I know, that is the American dream, everyone wants that.

So, how about I switch with... a rockstar so I can have all the sex, drugs & rock 'n roll I want?

Or a gangster, so I can be pimpin'?

Or the President, everyone else thinks they could do a better job, maybe I could too?

Yea, I'm not feeling it tonight. I'm in a pissy mood & the worst part is I don't even really know why. How do you fix a mood if you don't know why you have it? If you're hungry, you eat; if you're thirsty, you drink; if you're happy, you smile; if you're sad, you cry. What the fuck do you do when you're pissy??

Day 16: More pics, really? Why?

Another picture of yourself.

I don't wanna post another picture of myself. So I'm not gonna. So there, humph. *stomps feet*

I love acting the fool while writing, only because it doesn't look as stupid as it would in real life.

I think it should be noted that I have not drank since Saturday.

I thought alot about sadness today. I also thought alot about life, love, happiness.

I thought about how I wanted to wrap my arms around a certain person who I have not gotten to hug in quite awhile, how I wanted to rub his whiskery face with my hands. A person who I will probably never get to hug again. I have accepted this but I can be sad about it, right?

I struggle with the decision to either wait for that one person who touches that part of you that has never been touched. Or to just settle with someone that makes you happy, even if the passion is not there? Or what about just someone that you are comfortable with?

I am in no position to want a relationship right now, but I am lonely, I wanna be touched, but I just can't let go & let myself be touched. Why is that?

Anyway, today was a weird mix of feelings, with all the drama going on, it makes me sad, is this what we have become?

I think too much, that's why I drink, because I'm not thinking when I'm drinking. The only time I can shut everything off is when I am drunk. The day will come when I won't want to shut it all off. It's just that time is not right now.

Day 15: iPod Love

I am cheating, I totally forgot day 14 & did day 15 on my lunch today. Not so sure I'll have much time for it tomorrow, so.....

Put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play.

My music taste usually depends on my mood, but I have a favorites playlist that I listen to the most. These songs vary from catching me with the lyrics, or catching me just because they rock. But I love them!!

Happy - Leona Lewis
Forever - Papa Roach
Hey Hey What Can I Do - Led Zeppelin
Lips Of An Angel - Hinder
F**kin' Perfect - P!nk
No Rain - Blind Melon
Thunder Kiss '65 - White Zombie
Stairway To Heaven - Led Zeppelin
Loser - 3 Doors Down
Icky Thump - White Stripes

I am actually kinda surprised with all the heavy stuff on my iPod that these were the songs that came up, LOL.

Day 14: Familia

A picture of you and your family.

I almost skipped this one accidentally.

I don't have much family & what's even worse, I don't have many pictures of me & the family I do have.

This is me as a baby with my mom & dad. My dad & I do not have a relationship. I have written about it before & it's not positive, so I'll skip that part. My mom died almost 8 years ago. I miss her so very very much :( . I am sure I have more recent pics but it's just too much to find them, scan them & load them here.



My kids are my family, and we don't have many pictures. I don't like having my picture taken. And I'm always on the other side of the camera. This is a fun picture of the kids & my feet. In my defense, I did try to get them to take a picture with me tonight & they said no :( . Maybe next time.



And finally, my brother, this is a really touchy subject for me. My brother is mentally ill. I have a very hard time dealing with him & I feel terrible for that. He has had a very hard life & does the best he can with what he has. I don't speak to him much anymore & I have alot of guilt for that. But I can't change anything, I can't change him, I can't change how I feel or what I think. But I do love him with all my heart & always will.

Day 13: Dear....

A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

After thinking about this for awhile, writing a letter to someone that has hurt me might seem like an easy thing to do, I mean people hurt people all the time, right? Well, I believe that noone has the power to control your feelings, you give them that power. So while writing a letter to my future ex might be the logical choice, I won't let him affect me anymore. The only one that can truly hurt me... is me.

Dear Anjie,

First of all, I want you to know that I love you, though I know that my actions do not always show it. Lately you have been very self-destructive, you might think that you are only hurting yourself but you have three other people that you need to think about. If you destroy yourself, they will go on, but do you really want them to go on without you? While I am proud of you for how far you have come, if you don't get your act together, you won't go very much further. It's not just the drinking either, though that is a big part of it, it's your irresponsible & selfish thinking too. Living in the moment might seem easier than thinking about the future, it won't be easier in the long run, life will be much harder.

Drinking to excess might help you to not think about it, but you ultimately say & do the stupidest shit. How do you want people to see you? Do you want to chase those away that you care about? Think about all this.

Pull your head out of your ass & get your act together.

Much love from your better half,

Anjie <3

Okay, that might have been the most bi-polar thing I have ever written, LOL!!

Rescue me...

This one is going to be hard, very hard. I almost want to turn the comments off because while I know the feedback I will get from writing this is only said with love, sometimes I just want to get it out there. Admitting when you know you are wrong... or admitting when you know there might be something wrong is very hard to do.

I had a bad night on Saturday night. I drank too much, too fast & it just went downhill. I don't know what's going on with me lately. I have not been drinking to get a buzz, I have been drinking to get drunk, not just a little drunk, to get wasted. To be completely out of my head. I typically don't do anything stupid; I don't drive, I don't sleep around, I don't even make out with strangers :P . I just say stupid things.

Well, Saturday night I was stupid. I walked outside of the bar with a beer in my hand, was snagged by a cop, and given a $250 ticket. My night ended right there, so I started walking home. I live kind of far from downtown so it was a bit of a walk. And the easiest way takes me through a rough part of town. It's the part of town where I grew up so I have a hard time seeing it as rough, know what I mean?

I had another cop stop in a parking lot, I knew he would call me over to the car so I just walked right up to him, attitude & all. I was so angry about the ticket, I bitched at him, we might have had a heartfelt conversation to a certain extent, LOL. He offered to take me home & I just said "No thanks, I will walk."

In my completely wasted state of mind, I wanted to be rescued. I wanted a "knight in shining armor" to just come save the day. So instead of calling any number of people to come get me, or to even let that cop take me home, I just continued to walk, to walk & cry. The more I walked, the more I realized noone was going to come to my rescue, wet & cold was all I was getting from my stubbornness, which then made me cry more. I finally let someone come pick me up. She was my "knight" because I let her be.

Even the most independent people want to be saved sometimes. Even the strongest people want someone to come in & whisk them away from their troubles, if only for a minute. Why? Because for a split second you don't feel alone, you feel like someone cares.

Day 12: Blogger? Don't ask why.

How you found out about blogger and why you have one.

I am certain a friend told me about Blogger. I used to blog on Myspace, only a few people could read everything I wrote over there so I was much more open than I was on here.

I generally do not have a problem sharing everything with everyone, LOL, just ask anyone that knows me :P. But noone likes to be judged & how do you not judge someone that you do not know when all you see is what you read? Does that make sense? So, I stopped writing online & went to my journal.

But I am back. I still write in my journal because there are definitely some things that I do not want anyone else to read.

Day 11: Friends... part deux

Another picture of you and your friends.

I only have a couple of pictures of me with a few friends, so I'm gonna skip it. I love all my friends though, they are all awesome!! You make me laugh, you're there when I cry, you put up with my bullshit!!! And thank you for loving me, I love you right back!!

Day 10: Music... Part 1

Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad.

I probably don't need to tell you, I was very much looking forward to this one!! Music is my everything!!

I don't get angry very often, usually when I do it's because the future ex royally pissed me off :P . This is his song, all his, has been for a long time!!




When I'm sad I listen to sad sappy rock love songs, LOL. Usually when I am sad it's because I'm missing someone. I have a few that are my faves right now.







When I'm hyped, it's gotta be loud & fast. Naturally I can't think of anything because I'm kinda stuck in those 3 songs up above :P .

I'm bored right now, so I went old school with some G N' R, when I'm bored I listen to what is not on my iPod & wishing I could put it on my iPod. But since Limewire is defunct, I use my iTunes card, I have become much more selective since I have had to start paying, LOL.

Remember the days when you had to actually buy a CD when you heard songs you liked?? I feel old :P .

I am almost always happy so I listen to a wide variety. generally I listen to rock, but I love love love classic rock, always makes me think of my mom.

One of the greatest songs of all time, for me anyway :P . One of my songs!!



Another of my songs, LOVE IT!!!



I do like some country but it has to be country rock or it has to touch me. I'm not a big fan of rap/hip hop but there are a few songs that I can tolerate. But generally I go between classic rock & hard rock/metal. I could post videos all night long, but you get the idea.

I LOVE MY MUSIC!!!!

Day 9: Proud?

Something you’re proud of in the past few days.

I honestly haven't done a whole lot to be proud of in the last few days, besides my kids, I'm always proud of my kids :P .

I am proud that I finally took the initiative & paid everything off. I am down to only 4 bills; the 4 credit cards I have are paid in full, paying Sears hurt the most, $658. I carried that check for 11 days before I finally handed it over. The electric bill is paid in full. The Ho is taken care of. Being the responsible adult is something to be proud of I suppose, even if it isn't the fun road :P .

It actually kind of bums me out a little that I can't think of anything else to be proud of. I have done nothing of real importance in a long time. Maybe that should have been a short term goal, to really do something to be proud of?

Life is damn good!!

Who could have known what a weight it was until it was lifted?

The insurance on my D.O.H. (Dirty Old Ho) was costing me $120 a month. I couldn't insure her up here until I made her legal. Of course I didn't have the $229 to transfer the title into my name, register & plate her. I could have saved myself $20 or so by leaving it in his name but I wanted it to be mine, all mine. Finally, with the tax money, I was able to do this. I paid the insurance for a year just so I don't have that bill hanging over my head, so I went from $120 a month payment to a full years worth of insurance for a one time payment of $315. That saved me $1,125 for the year!!!

I never had to think about these things before. For the first time in my life I have had to be the responsible adult. I spent 17 years being handed a stack of bills with an amount due written on the envelope. He always did all that. He worked, I stayed home with the kids. Then the tables got turned. This has been a huge adjustment for me. I feel like a kid just starting out on my own in life, not only am I not a kid anymore but I have 3 kids of my own to think about.

People say to me all the time "You are so brave." "I don't know how you do it." "I admire your strength."

Well, the truth is, I don't feel strong, I don't feel brave. And I just do it because I have no other choice but to do it . What are my options?

Noone can possibly know or even understand the years of hell I went through with that man. I will take this life over that life any day!! I will take these struggles & these fears over those struggles & those fears for the rest of my life. Never again will I let someone treat me that way, never again will I lay down for someone.

I am truly happy today. I have nothing hanging over my head. I feel at peace in my heart & my soul :) !!

Day 8: Goals

Short term goals for this month and why.

I am so glad it said short term goals, I am not good at goals at all. If I set a goal, I will subconsciously sabotage it every single time.

One goal which I have had forever, is to take control of this laundry, and keep it under control. I am so tired of constantly digging through baskets to find clothes.

I want to learn how to do a budget, I need a budget. I am a single mom making $10 an hour, a budget is the only way we will survive this year.

I want to cook much more at home, this goes along with the budget thing. We can't afford to eat out all the time any more. I also need to start taking my lunch, that will help stretch my money a little further. Taking my lunch will also still allow me the cash for a Rockstar a day :P .

My jewelry... I need to start a few more projects. I'd like to think that my jewelry is good enough that I could sell it but I am so anal about it, I always think noone would pay for it. So, I'm considering making some earrings & a few bracelets, taking it to a little shop or store to see if they will make a little display for me. A tattoo shop would be awesome!!

And finally, to get through this 30 day challenge & still make it interesting enough to read :P .

Day 7: Impact

A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

I'm doing this in the form of past, present & future. There are 5 people that have impacted me the most & I'm going to make this one for them.

Starting with the 3 people that ARE my past, present & future. It might not seem like it, but the sun rises with them & sets with them. They are the reason I wake up in the morning, they are what keeps me going everyday. I act more like friend than mom, but lay it down when it needs to be laid down. I told myself that I would not do to them what my mom did to me, which was put me in a position where I did not have much of a childhood. However, as a single mom, it's almost unavoidable. They are my partners in crime, they are my soulmates on this journey. They are my one & only true loves. They are my everything.



My mom had the biggest impact on my past. While I do carry her with me everyday, so she is part of my present & will be part of my future, it's only in my heart. I was angry with her for a long time but I realize now she did the very best she could with what she had to work with. I also know now that everything she did, she did for us kids, whether it back fired or not, her intentions were always for us. I miss her so very much :( . A day does not go by that I do not wish she was here with me now.



And finally, my future ex husband. I had a picture saved in my phone for a long time that I would have posted on here but I think I deleted it. It was an image of how I always saw him, drunk & just nasty looking. He cannot possibly understand the impact he has had on me. I'd like to say that I am over the years of misery I had with him, but I am so afraid that I will never be able to grasp the idea of a healthy relationship because I spent half my life in an unhealthy one. I would like to say that he can no longer touch me in my present but he still does, in text or in voice mail. This last time, the voice mails really got to me for some reason. And I would like to wish for a future without him, but we have 3 children together, he will always be a part of my life... always. It would not be fair to my children to cut them off from their father just because of how I feel about this man. Therefore, he is also my past, present & future.

And I'm going to throw a "something" in here, LOL, music. I have loved music from as far back as I can remember, that comes from my mom. My morning starts with music & my day ends with music. I have a stereo in my room as opposed to a TV, my iPod is rarely far from me. I need music, I need music when I am happy, I need it when I am sad, I need it when I am angry. I just need it all the time. It is my second love, after my children.

Day 6: Superheroes

Favorite superhero & why.

I had a hard time with this one. I was trying to remember what my favorite superhero was when I was a kid. All I could think about are the superhero movies of today, which I love them all. Comic book characters & stories make for excellent movies!!

Then I did have a memory, of Wonder Woman.

When I was 7 & my brother was 5, my mom sent us to live with our dad in Jacksonville, FL for a few months. We were there over Halloween. I badly wanted to be Wonder Woman & Jesse wanted to be Super Man. So our dad got us those all plastic body suit costumes with the face mask, you know the ones I'm talking about. I can almost smell the plastic just thinking about it.

For days after Halloween we wore our costumes, running up & down the sidewalks in the apartment complex he lived in. Pretending we were Wonder Woman & Super Man, we would save the world & we would save ourselves.

I fell & ripped the knees out of my costume, I was so so sad over that. To this day, I still wanna be Wonder Woman, I still wanna save the world, including myself & my children. But I don't cry over skinned knees anymore, or bruised hearts.

Day 5: Somewhere I've been

A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.

So, I'm going to change this up a bit.

I'm not a world traveller but I have been a few places, I loved the Great Smoky Mountains National park & Everglades National Park the best. Disney was fun. Quebec was beautiful. But what I really wanted to talk about was the places I've been in my head. My own personal hell & the heaven on earth I've dreamed about.



I think we have all been in our own personal hell at some point in our lives. We might think we have it really bad but someone else always has it worse. Does that change how we feel at that moment? No, not at all. It's just different. What doesn't drown one person will surely drown another.

I spent 17 years in a bad marriage with a verbally & mentally abusive man. My unhappiness was so great I turned to food to drown the emotional hell I was feeling. Which in turn put me in a whole new personal hell, trapped in nearly 300 pounds of fat. Not only was I in a misery all of my own doing, I was still in a misery created by an abusive alcoholic. Then one day I decided I didn't want to be that person any more, so I made changes, big changes, including the loss of 60 something pounds. Then the big move from Florida to Illinois, separating from him. But my final release from this personal hell will be a divorce.

Heaven on earth?



Is there really such a place? I go around saying I don't believe in love, I do believe in love, I love my children, I love my friends. But do I believe in the kind of true love that 2 people can have for each other? No I do not. I think that people come together at certain times in life & we take what we can, what we need from each other. Sometimes that is enough to be content enough to spend the rest of your lives together. Sometimes it is not. It happens. I was so young when I met my future ex that I did not know anything about life, nothing about men & women or relationships.

I still don't know anything.

But I have been touched in a way that I have never been touched before. Some days I believe I will find that "heaven" with someone & other days I believe I will not. Most days I am just happy for the new day, for the fresh start, to try again.

Insanity in my head.

My dream....

I had to go to the doctor for something & they injected me with botox. I felt like I was blowing up like a balloon. I went to my mom (yes, in my dream she was very alive :( ... ) to tell her, with tears streaming down my face, that I was gonna blow up. She said well let's go to the doctor & I said no, I'll go lay down for a minute.

So I went & laid my head on the desk of the Moneycenter. This guy came over to send some money, the computer was completely different & I couldn't get it to work right. The phone was ringing & I couldn't put the person on hold, I kept putting them on speaker phone. Briana was standing beside me asking me a bunch of questions. I pushed a button & a radio came on, so I gave up & walked away.

I went to this couples house, I don't even know who it was, it was a man & a woman. We got lit up, had a couple drinks & smoked. They said we had to go somewhere, they needed something. I said I am way to lit up to drive, they didn't care. I was a basket case driving, totally freaking out. We were going up a hill & the van started to sputter & act like it was going to die, then it kicked back up again & went on.

As we topped the hill, we were face to face with a rusted out VW van, then the VW van stopped & flipped backward, we were looking straight down at a big green field with train tracks going right through it and a big freight train running down the tracks. We were yelling oh shit, that van is gonna land on the train & it did. The guy was ejected from the van, the van hit a freight car, a washer & dryer came busting out & flew up towards us, the washer looked like it was going to hit us & then it fell back down to earth & hit the train.

The train was wrecked, the cars were jamming up & flipping all over. Someone in the background was talking, like they were reporting it on the news, describing what was happening. Then the guy that was ejected was running over the top of the wreckage of the train & through fire. The announcer guy in the back ground was yelling frantically about the running man...

Then I woke up.

Day 4: Habits

A habit that you wish you didn’t have.

What exactly is a habit anyway? We automatically think that all habits are bad, there are good habits, there are good habits that we wish we didn't have too. So, I looked up the word habit to get a more clear picture on what I am writing about here :P . Here are just a few explanations of the word:

* manner of conducting oneself
* the prevailing disposition or character of a person's thoughts and feelings : mental makeup
* a settled tendency or usual manner of behavior
* an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary
* addiction

Are habits easy to break then, can you just say "I'm not going to do this anymore" and then you are done? Or is it more like an addiction, where you need an intervention, LOL? Can people be a habit?

I have a habit of texting someone, I feel like if I stopped this habit, then I would never hear from or see them again. It is a habit that I don't want to quit for selfish reasons. Is it a bad habit? I don't think it's a bad habit. Is it a good habit? I don't think it's a good habit. It's just a habit. And for some reason, I can't put it in my head that if I never heard from them again, then it was a friendship that was just meant to end.

I have a habit of picking at the skin on my lips. This is a bad habit that I wish I could stop. My lips always look horrible because of it.

An acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary, that would be my gutter mind. It just comes to me, I have no control at all. I don't know how this behavior started. Do I want this habit to stop? Not really :P .

I guess that about covers habits. I need a Rockstar... that could be a habit too.

Day 3: Friends

A picture of you and your friends.

Honestly I'd need to open a photobucket album for all my friends. So, I'll talk about friendship instead & what friendship means to me. Basically, "those who mind don't matter & those who matter don't mind", that sums it up. I am a very open & honest person, I don't judge. Friendship is what happens when 2 people come in contact with each other & find a quality in that person they appreciate & want to keep in their life. Have you ever passed someone on the street & said to yourself "I want to be their friend." Not likely. Friendship is born through conversation, or through time spent together. Circumstances threw us together, love kept us together.

I love all my friends, from the nutty ones, to the serious ones; from the older ones, to the younger ones. You are all so very different & I love each of you for what you have brought to my life & I hope you are all with me for a very long time, whether in person or in spirit.

Day 2: The meaning behind your blog name.

The meaning behind my blog name is very simple but first I gotta wish myself a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I am 35 years old today, 35 is a milestone birthday. It's the half way point, right smack in the middle of 30 & 40. I am not sad that 30 is behind me & I am not afraid of the looming 40 in front of me, I am just happy to be here today, in this moment. I don't have any special plans today; lunch with a girlfriend, dinner at home with the kids, I'm just grateful for every moment of every day.

So, the meaning behind my blog name, all or nothing is how I do everything. I either give it my all or I give it nothing at all. That goes with friendships, relationships, cleaning, working... everything. And it is my way of life, how I have always been. I work hard, I party hard, I fly by the seat of my pants, I jump into everything feet first without thinking about tomorrow, or I don't jump in at all. And that is ME.

And here we go... Day 1

I am so so far behind Kelly & Shawn :P .

A recent picture of yourself and fifteen interesting facts.

This is one of the most recent pics I took. This is not the person I see when I look in the mirror, though I like to think this is the person everyone else sees.




15 interesting facts, hmm.

1. I love being a mom though most days I feel like I am failing at it.

2. I love my job, I love helping people, I love making people smile, but I hate the company I work for.

3. I can honestly say there is not one person that I do not get along with, I just love people.

4. It might not seem like it, but I try very hard to watch what I say, my mouth is so bad.

5. Pet peeves, I have a few... littering is a huge one; throwing gum on the ground; the toilet paper roll on backwards & yes I am one of those people that switches it to the RIGHT way.

6. If I'm with smokers when I'm drinking, I smoke too. And I am a HUGE anti-smoking person so I guess that makes me a hypocrite?

7. I find it hilarious that I have everyone else calling my van the Dirty Old Ho, afterall she is dirty, she's old & she gets around. But she's mine & I love her.

8. I talk so much trash that sometimes I'm afraid people might think I'm a whore when really I'm not easy at all, LOL. Most of the time I wish I was!!

9. I say I love being single, but really I don't, I'm just afraid that I'll never find anyone that can put up with me.

10. Spending 17 years in a bad marriage has me so clueless about what a good relationship could be.

11. I use my sense of humor to hide my real feelings, sometimes they sneak through the cracks.

12. There are 2 things that kept me sane through the last years of my marriage, my iPod & my journal. They still keep me sane.

13. I crush on people alot, I have a few crushes right now <3>

14. I want a snake, in a bad way!! I just don't want the responsibility of taking care of a pet right now.

15. I wanna be completely covered in tattoos under my clothes.

To blog or not to blog is always the question...

Sometimes blogging is much easier when you have a purpose, when you have some guidance, when you have simple rules to follow. So I'll attempt to do the 30 Day Challenge.

The Rules:
Day One- A recent picture of yourself and fifteen interesting facts.



Day Two- The meaning behind your blog name.



Day Three -A picture of you and your friends.



Day Four- A habit that you wish you didn’t have.



Day Five- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.



Day Six- Favorite super hero and why.



Day Seven- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.



Day Eight - Short term goals for this month and why.



Day Nine - Something you’re proud of in the past few days.



Day Ten - Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad.



Day Eleven - Another picture of you and your friends.



Day Twelve - How you found out about blogger and why you have one.



Day Thirteen - A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.



Day Fourteen - A picture of you and your family.



Day Fifteen - Put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play.



Day Sixteen - Another picture of yourself.



Day Seventeen - Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.



Day Eighteen - Plans/dreams/goals you have.



Day Nineteen - Nicknames you have and why you have them.



Day Twenty - Someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future.



Day Twenty one - A picture of something that makes you happy.



Day Twenty two - What makes you different from everyone else.



Day Twenty three - Something you crave for a lot.



Day Twenty four - A letter to your parents.



Day Twenty five - What I would find in your bag.



Day Twenty six - What do you think about your friends?



Day Twenty eight - A picture from you last year, and now. What has changed since then?



Day Twenty nine - In this past month, what have you learned?



Day Thirty - Your favorite song