Christmas...

I decided that I wanted a stocking this year so I made new ones for all of us. As I did Briana's name in silver glitter, I remembered the last time I did the kids names on stockings, he got drunk & threw Briana's stocking, smearing her name. The memory snuck up on me & hit me... hard. I don't want these sneaky memories to come out of nowhere. So I tried to battle it with a happy one. I mean, in 17 years together there had to be one, right? One Christmas that wasn't clouded by fights & his drunken anger?... No, not one Christmas that was truly peaceful. I can't even say that last Christmas was a happy peaceful Christmas.

Christmas is supposed to be full of love, happiness, peace, family, friends. But I am lonely, very lonely. I have great friends, true enough. And I have awesome kids, there is no doubt in that. I have a job, I have a vehicle, our needs are met, we aren't cold or hungry, we have clothes on our backs. All I wanted to do was give my children what they wished for on Christmas, and I stressed about it too much. But somehow I had forgotten that I have given us all what we have wished for for so long, peace at Christmas. For the first time in 18 years, there will be peace & quiet in our home.

So why can't I be happy with that? Why am I still angry with him? Angry with myself for spending so many years in unhappiness? Why can't I just look to the future & forget the past?