Drunken blogging, which I didn't get to do.

Why not, you ask?

Because Kid sat by me the whole freaking night. He was up my ass, being all nice & huggy & kissy . He is going to drive me up a fucking wall with his "I love you my sweetheart, my baby." I really need the little barfing smiley.

I just do not, in anyway, understand how he thinks I can just set it all aside. I do believe that he is more controlling & manipulative than I ever thought he was. When I was extremely fat & submissive, he didn't feel threatened. But now that I have gained some confidence & independence, it makes him nervous. Now that I have said on multiple occasions how miserable I am, he is scared. As he fucking should be.

I am not the type of person that is very huggy anyway, so to have his hands all over me & him whispering how he wants to...... well, let's just say get nasty, LOL, it turns me off. He turns me off.

I never realized how hard it would be to pretend to enjoy him. To pretend that everything is okay. I fight so hard not to cringe when he comes near me. I hate this, all of it.

I am trying so hard to hold out until all this lawsuit bullshit is done, because if he gets a fat chunk of change, I want half. If I leave before that happens, I'll have to fight for it.

I fantasize about it being alot & I have the option to say "Okay, kids, this is where we are going." Hire a moving truck & go.

My requirements to the perfect place to live:

1. Good schools.
2. Good work options.
3. Good camping.
4. Good family area.
5. A freaking good hockey team, so we can go to games whenever we want!!

First priority, getting my teeth fixed. That alone will send my confidence through the roof.

Well, I better go. Need to take a shower & get ready to go to Walmart to spend some more money!!

Me...

I am done with Kid. I told him tonight if he doesn't quit drinking it is over, but really, I know he won't quit drinking so it is over. Believe me I know that you cannot tell an alcoholic to quit, I know better than anyone, but I hate him when he is drunk & the only way I could even consider staying with him is if he quits. I can't do it anymore, I can't be with him anymore. I just want him to leave. The love is gone, no getting it back.

I don't want to be in a relationship, I just want a friend with benefits. Someone I can go out with on a Sat. night, someone I can make out with in the back of the car. Someone I can send dirty texts too & have sexy phone conversations. I don't ever want to get married again, at least not until my kids are grown & I can keep my independence.

I tried to get a credit card online, I want to get my teeth fixed so bad it hurts. I swear, if my teeth weren't so bad, I'd be a flirting fool & I would so flirt with my crush.

I am so fucking scared. How the hell am I going to take care of 3 kids?? I was trying to figure out a budget, like how much my bills will cost every month & if I can even possibly pay them on $7.65 an hour. I know he is supposed to pay child support too but what if he doesn't? I guess all these questions will get answered whether I like it or not *sigh*. Please tell me I'll be able to do this??

I lied.....

I'm still crushing.

Do you know how sad it is that I need to get drunk to enjoy sex with Kid?

Anyhow.....

I got a good compliment tonight. From one of the stockers. The conversation went kind of like this.... Well, no, I don't think it went like that at all, but this was the whole point, LOL.

C: You better watch out, you're husband is going to get jealous. He's going to start stalking you, thinking you have a boyfriend.

Me: He already thinks I have a boyfriend.

C: Well yea, look at you.

Everyone has been saying nice things to me. But why is it so hard for me to see it??

I am a mental case.

I nearly ran into my crush today & it scared the crap out of me, LOL. I came around the corner as he was coming around the corner & we both stopped dead. He put his hand on his chest. I didn't even think he was working today.

For some reason today I saw him sooo much. Everywhere I went, he was somewhere around. He went to the bathroom & he cut through self checkout, which he never does. I was in the backroom & he was there for a minute. I went out to break & he was going in. I got my share of eye candy today, LOL.

Okay, I'm buzzin' a bit so this is going to seem sporadic.

Kid is falling more in love with me as I am falling more out of love with him.

You really want to know what I hope 2009 brings me? I want to be single, I desperately want to be single. This is how 2009 should go for me to make me happy.

Kid gets his lawsuit & it is fucking fat!!!!

I haed to the dentist for implants & walk out with agorgeous smile.

Before the day is over I have money transferred to my account & Kid's bags packed by the door.

And this should all happen, oh, I don't know, IN FEBRUARY!!!!!!! For my birthday. That would be a most excellent birthday gift, I must say.

A little side note, I am slightly drunk.

I want to hold hands. I want to feel fingers through my hair. I want to feel hands on my hips. I want to feel lips on my neck. I want to feel arms around me.

I can get all of this, right now, but it's the wrong person.

I want a divorce with a booty call on the weekends, or any time, LOL. I just want to date. I want to be young & carefree.

I have started to wear bracelets & earrings & painting my nails. I am starting to feel more like me again. When I was fat, I wore what fit, didn't matter how it looked & I dod not, in any way draw attention to myself. Now I thrive on attention, to a certain point. I like to be noticed. I like when I make a guy nervous, LOL. I do retarded things, like hold my head a certain way, flip my hair, look up in a coy way, yea, I do all those retarded things. I like it.

But then I feel worthless. Acccckkkkk. I am so fucked!!!!

Well, I guess I better end this. I am drunk & I do actually have to work tomorrow afternoon, ugghh.

Oh, I almost forgot, we got foodstamps, $840 fucking dollars!!!!!!!!!! I think that is back payment, but whatever. I am so freaking happy!! I spent nearly $200 after work tonight, completely filled the deep freezer. I still have $600 something left. We are going shopping on Fri. I am so fukcing happy!!

Why the need to confess?

I don't know why I feel the need to confess everything, all. the. time. But I do think I figured out why I feel the need to confess to a certain person. I want him to know that his compliment did not go unnoticed. I feel kind of guilty for not acknowledging it at the time. It made my day actually & I don't know why I didn't say thank you, LOL. Well, I do know why, but that doesn't matter.

So, I guess I feel like if I say I think you are cute, then he will know that I noticed.

Ack, I don't know, I just don't know.

It shouldn't even matter, I'm freakin' married!! So very unhappily married, but married all the same.

So, I'm thinking I'll get drunk tonight & send a message then I can say, omg, I was so drunk, I can't believe I did that .

I really do want to get drunk tonight, I need the release, I want to do more than that but I'll be a good girl........... maybe.

I'm feeling a bit wordy today, so I'm sure I will be back at some point.

Sex & lies....

I wanted to write this last night because I was so emotional. Kid wanted sex, he said he wanted a quick one, I was not in the mood at 3am but then figured whatever. It wasn't quick & I tried so hard to enjoy it. I tried to conjure up mental images of other people & places but it just didn't work. I did not get off& when he was finished I started to cry. Not loudly, just tears & he didn't know. I went to the bathroom & forced the tears to stop.

I cried because I do not want any part of him touching me. He was making love to me, kissing me, touching me, being gentle & loving & I hated it. I am living a lie & it is tearing me up inside. I can't tell him because he won't listen. I tried.

When will all this be over? When will I be free? How can I possibly get away?

I am drowning.........

Concussion?

I think that I have a concussion. All the symptoms lead to that.

Almost 2 weeks ago, I was reading to Zach, I got up to get something & when I came back, as I was going to sit on the bed, I hit my head on the wall, right at the really hard part at the back of my skull. I hit it so hard that my head bounced off the wall & the girls heard it all the way in their bedroom. But since it didn't leave a bump or hurt for more than a minute, I thought nothing of it. The very next day was when I started feeling like this.

WebMD

What is a concussion?

A concussion is a brain injury that is caused by a sudden blow to the head or to the body. The blow shakes the brain inside the skull, which temporarily prevents the brain from working normally.

Some people have obvious symptoms of a concussion (such as passing out or feeling lightheaded), while others do not. With rest, most people fully recover from concussions within a few hours to a few weeks.

On rare occasions, concussions cause more serious problems. Repeated concussions or a severe concussion may require surgery or lead to long-lasting problems with movement, learning, or speaking. Because of the small chance of permanent brain problems, it is important to contact a doctor if you or someone you know has symptoms of a concussion.

My symptoms:

• Feeling lightheaded, seeing "stars," having blurry vision, or experiencing ringing in the ears.
• Not being able to stand or walk; or having coordination and balance problems.
• Feeling nauseous or throwing up.
• Changes in your ability to think, concentrate, or remember.
• Headaches or blurry vision.
• Changes in your sleep patterns, such as not being able to sleep or sleeping all the time.
• Changes in your personality such as becoming angry or anxious for no clear reason.
• Lack of interest in your usual activities.
• Changes in your sex drive.
• Dizziness, lightheadedness, or unsteadiness that makes standing or walking difficult.

That is exactly how I feel. Do you think it could be a concussion?

I just hope I feel better soon *sigh*. I do not want to go to the hospital to have it checked out, I just want to feel better .

Yesterday's blog post.

I posted this yesterday at the other place, LOL.

First mistake of the day, I fucked up my green bean casserole. I forgot to mix the soup with milk & then when I tried to mix it together in the pan, the beans fell apart. I wasn't too heartbroken though because I was kicking myself for not using frozen beans. I scrounged in the freezer & found some frozen green beans & found a can of mushroom soup in the cabinet, so I saved that dish.

Then I noticed that I didn't plug in the crockpot with the stuffing. WTF?? I went to stir it & it felt cold & that was when I realized what I had forgotten.

Then I just discovered that I forgot to take out the freaking giblet pack from the turkey.

Jeez, what the hell is wrong with me??

I have felt like a complete airhead all day. When I nap, I can barely sleep, I can't shut my mind off. It races in a million different directions. I am starting to think there is something really wrong with me .

Kid is pissy & I can't care, which makes him even more pissy. I took a bath & he asked me if I wanted him to shave me & I said no, then he asked if I wanted help & I said no. How can I say yes??

But the kids had a good Christmas. They are very happy with what they got.

I talked to Terry, he sounded good.

I decided that I need a day for me, just for me. So, on Sunday I am going to go get my eyebrows waxed & finally get highlights. Then go have lunch somewhere & then go see a movie.

Of course I'm sure I'll come home to "Did you see your boyfriend, did you have a good day with your boyfriend, did you fuck your boyfriend?"

I'm back, we ate the dinner & went for a drive. It was nice, except Kid sat at the table saying how he didn't belong here. Then as we were leaving he was saying shit like "You all go off to look at lights while I stay here & do dishes." My response was "You went to see Joe & Tiger from 11 to 3 while I stayed home & cooked."

Yea, he was basically drunk & passed out before we got home.

I wrote in my journal last night, something that I am so embarrassed about, something that I am still debating about posting. You know me, I'm sure I will post it...... later. I just can't keep a damn thing to myself. You must think I am psychotic.

Well, I'm off for a bit, I may or may not be back to post my embarrassing "secret".