Day 20: Marriage??? NOT likely.

Someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future.

This one is tricky.

I do not in any way see me with anyone or even see marriage in my future. I even go back & forth between not knowing whether I want this or not. I feel so confused most days. I wanna be held & touched but when the opportunity arises I kinda freak out a little & back off, way off. Mainly because in those moments, the one doing the offering, didn't want anything more from me. I need friendship first, intimacy second. But I also don't need the kinda friendship that is started because of the desire for more.

The thing is, most of the men I come in contact with make me feel like all they want from me is to get in my pants.

I have fooled around with 3 men since I've been home. One was just one night of fooling around, a very good old friend. One was a whirlwind of a friendship, started quick & ended even quicker. It was lovely, I don't regret it but I do miss his friendship. And one was a very old rekindled friendship, that became a little more intimate than expected, I became more attached than I should & then I unintentionally killed it. I'm sure it was for the best but I miss it. We don't really know why things happen the way they do, and sometimes it's out of our hands.

It's really hard to get close to someone that you feel like only wants one thing from you. And I think I'm scared, I think I'm scared of feeling the same way again & then losing it. It's not even about a relationship, it's about a close trusting friendship. That's all I want right now, mainly because of my kids. But at the same time, I need to feel special, I need to feel wanted & needed.

There's such a fine line & I don't walk it so well, I guess.

I am not so good at relationships, I was horrible at marriage & I'm a basket case because of all this. I don't want a man to come in & take care of me, but I want him to be there when I need him. I know that's probably selfish of me but I don't know how else to be right now.