A bright & shiny awakening??

So it all came to me the other night. I go back & forth all the time between not wanting to be alone, to wanting to be alone. To not wanting a man, to wanting a man. Yea, it's borderline bi-polar :P . I have issues, I know this. But I always wonder why? Why the confusion? Why is it not cut & dry? It should be simple enough right?

Nothing is ever simple, not ever.

When I was like 5 I guess, my mom & dad split & my mom became a single mother. She worked 2 jobs & I had to step up & become my mom's right hand with my little brother. We went to visit my dad when I was 7 & Jesse was 5, my dad said he woke up one morning & I was in the kitchen at 7 making breakfast for my little brother, he said "no way, this is not gonna happen here & now."

Well, as a single mother, how in the hell do I not rely on my oldest child to help me?? I am not angry with my mom for that. It made me happy to help her, she's my mom!!

But when I was 9 she met a man, a man she decided she wanted to marry. She didn't give us a choice. He was mean, impatient & mean. He smacked me around a few times. And at 15 she let me move out because of him. She let me go, a 15 year old child, because of a man. It was easier for her to let me go.

Without any kind of guidance, I moved in with the first man who showed me any kind of real attention & then I gave him 17 years of my life, half of my life. I don't regret that but would it be wrong to wonder how different life would have been if things had been different?

I am terrified of making the same mistakes my mom might have made. I do not in any way want my children to feel like me & my brother felt. I am terrified that I will make the wrong decision & bring the wrong kind of person into my life & the lives of my children. I just can't do it. can't do it to them & I am scared to give the wrong person any more of my life.

I feel so completely screwed up over this. I guess we all have daddy issues & babydaddy issues, huh??