Will I ever learn?? Maybe it just doesn’t matter.

I was trying hard, very hard to keep the peace. Or maybe I wasn't really trying, maybe I was just pretending.

We are fighting again, all because I made one small comment. Out of annoyance, about the dishes. I know for a long long time I have been a fat lazy piece of shit, I know all this. I didn't clean, I didn't work; I sat & ate. That was what I did. He said he wasn't going to do the dishes any more, I said if I work & I have to do the dishes, get the fuck out. I was just annoyed. He blew it out of proportion.

OMG, I started this at 10pm & it is now 1am. Kid & I have been fighting all this time.

For some reason, I know that he is impossible to talk to, but yet I try & it bites me. I need to just shut my fucking mouth, he just doesn't listen. He takes in what I say & twists it around in his little brain & spews out the garbage that he hears. I fucking hate it!!

I told him everything, fucking everything tonight. I told him I talk to guys online to get something I don't get from him. I told him I have sex with him to shut him up. I told him I haven't called my grandma to ask for money to help pay the bills because I plan on calling her to ask for her help to leave. I laid it all out there. I told him why I am unhappy. I told him everything, from the bottom of my heart. \

And naturally, he is too fucking ignorant to see any of it, to hear any of it. He twisted everything, fucking everything. What the fuck ever.

I have been so afraid for so long, maybe this is what I need, a wake up call. Maybe him leaving will force me to take action. Force me to make a move, any move, wherever that may be.

Well, fuck, it is so late, I need to put my headphones on & go to bed. He is in a rampage, as long as I am up, it will just get worse. I'll have more tomorrow, maybe.