A plan.....

that is what I need. I know I need it, but it is just so much easier to wallow in self pity.

I cannot even describe how I feel, the closest I can get is dead. I don't even want to come home, I dread it so bad.

Anyway, a plan.

I have no idea where I want to go, first of all. I could go back to IL, Lori has always said her door is open. I'm just not sure I want to go back. The biggest draw to IL is because of the familarity of it. It is a safe place because it is home.

Then there is Port St. Lucie, Tera has offered, thank you, with all my heart. I would love to be able to stay in FL, I love the weather, LOL. And it is so nice up there, much better than here.

There is Minnesota, with Quinn & Jolene, again, thank you!!!! I love you too, with all my heart. Quinn raves about how wonderful the help up there is, and how truly happy she is.

I would love to live in South Carolina, North Carolina, or Tennessee. I still have that fantasy of moving to where Dale Jr. is, LOL, I still think I am the perfect woman for him :P .

Okay, I'm back. I ate chocolate for dinner & crashed, hard, LOL. I slept for like an hour & a half.

Kid cried tonight.

He apologized for last night, he said what he always says, that he is stressed about money, blah, blah, blah. I told him he has been mean to me for far too long. He asked if I really wanted a divorce & I said yes. And he said just like that, you don't love me anymore. I said I will always love you, you are the father of my kids. But I am not happy any more. And now that I am feeling good about myself, the way you treat me is unacceptable.

And then he hugged me & he cried.

Now everything is okay, he thinks. Though I am still cold & distant. And I will continue to be. But yes, I do want to keep the peace. He does know how I feel. And he is really fucking scared. He never comes back here, but tonight he came & sat right here, LOL. I was talking to S, he came on & said Hi. I am like a drug addict, I had deleted him. I always decide that I don't want to have this weird friendships anymore, delete them & then when they IM me, I end up adding them again. It's like a drug or something. Maybe it's my lonliness, LOL. I deleted M too, LOL.

Anyway, tomorrow I am going down to food stamps place & dropping off all this paperwork & showing them my FPL bill & my bank statement, maybe that will get thinsg sped up, maybe, but I doubt it.

The other thing with showing up on someone's door step is I don't want to be a burden. It makes me feel so low to just drop in on someone, especially when I know how much everyone is struggling right now. I want to be self sufficient.

And you know, I've been fibbing. I do want to be loved. I want a man that will love me, just for me, for everything about me. Someone I can discuss a good book with or a good movie. Someone who will hold me when I want to be held & who will give me my space when I need it. Someone I can stand in the kitchen & cook dinner with & do the dishes with. Someone who I can sit on one end of the couch, while he is on the other, rubbing my feet or just letting my feet sit in his lap. Someone who will send me sexy comments & sweet emails. Someone who will tell me I am beautiful, that I am his world.

I know that everyone dreams of this great love. Is it even out there? Does it even exist? I know I have asked this a million & one times, I am still asking.

Well, I guess I better wrap this up. It's late & I am tired.