Miserable

Just fucking miserable.

Kid isn't talking to me at all. He goes around telling everyone, including the kids that I have a boyfriend. I was supposed to get off work at 4, but I stayed late & didn't get home until 7:30 & he said to the kids that I was with my boyfriend.

I guess I asked for it. No, I know I asked for it. I just don't care anymore. If I had the money, I would walk out the door right now. It doesn't matter how many times I say I do not have a boyfriend, he doesn't believe me, but I do not have a boy friend. I talk to 3 guys. Yes, I know it is wrong, but shit, look what I get from home. I am not "dating" them.

I guess he can't understand that all these changes are for me, not anyone else. He is convinced that the difference in me is because of a boyfriend. Which is total bullshit.

I am so depressed. I am so miserable. I think I'm going to call my grandma & see if she can help me get out of this. I am just crushed because I love my store, I love my job.

I am backing off of the guys I am talking to also. They all want one thing, they are all the same. I thought Matt was going to be different, but I guess not.

OMFG, Kid & I had a horrible, horrible, horrible fight. He accused me of cheating on him so bad. As in he has convinced himself that all last week, I lied about being at work. He saw my hours written down on a piece of paper, my walmart hours, and he aid "You said you worked this many hours, but there are only this many hours on this sheet of paper. You were out fucking your boyfriend the rest of the time." He was throwing stuff, threatening me, calling me names, telling me he hates me, he wants to kill me. Just horrible, nasty mean things. And believe me, none of this is an exaggeration, Shari was on the phone the whole time.

I have to get out. I have to come up with a plan. I am going to start researching online areas & help. I don't know yet where I want to go, but I will find the perfect place & then I am calling my grandma, when I have a plan & telling her everything. I hate him, I hate him with a passion. I will not live this way anymore. I have this job & I can transfer anywhere with it. I won't live this way anymore.

Anyway, as for M. He is hiding something, I don't know what, I don't care, but I am done talking to him. I asked him about his MySpace & he said oh, my friends set it up for me, I don't use it. I know he is lying, I am certain he is not married because I have seen him on cam, seen his apartment, but he probably has a girlfriend. He doesn't want me on his MySpace for some reason, so be it. He is a waste of time.

I deleted S, he is just another one that is out for one thing. I have gotten what I want from them & I am done.

I am having a hard time believing anyone could ever love me for me. I have this feeling of worthlessness. I know what I am doing, but when I get shit on at every turn, I can't help but feel there is a reason why. I am tired, overwhelmed, lonely, miserable, depressed, lost, stuck. All these things that my personality does not like to be.

Well, it is nearly 1am & I have to sleep, have to work both jobs tomorrow & listen to Kids "You fucking your boyfriend."

Believe me, I know how far from perfect I am. I just want to be happy again.