A little randomness is always good.

I am slightly disappointed in Kid. Not really to the point that it will affect life or anything, LOL. It's just I was so proud that he didn't drink any beer today at all. None before the game, none at the game, at $7 a beer, it wasn't happening no matter what. Anyway, he came home & made a cup of coffee & put cognac in it. There went my pride in him. And I think he knows it, he is already in bed with his eyes closed.

Believe me, I know that he is an alcoholic & him drinking only a few beers here & there is a big deal to an alcoholic. But still.........

Work randomness.....

I am convinced that my IPH (items per hour) is so low because of all the time I spend standing there waiting for old people to dig out their money or figure out how to use the credit card machine.

It really freaks me out for some reason when these total strangers call me Anjie. I realize that is why we wear a name badge, LOL, but it just always makes me look around, like are they talking to me. For example, 2 customers, at the service desk, came over to have a key made. They were telling me how wonderful & beautiful our store is, LOL. Luane came over & they said to her "We were just telling Anjie how much we love your store." It just sounds so personal, LOL. Maybe I should ask them to change my name on my badge to Mrs. Turcotte . No, no, no, that sounds too old lady-ish.

At self checkout, when the machine says "Please check your basket for additional items", I think it's freaking funny that the majority of people check their basket!!

Nothing happened with that check, no big deal at all. Me the worry wart.

I am completely addicted to Fruit Loops.

Last night, in my email, I discovered I over-drafted my bank account *sigh* .

The Panthers lost tonight *sigh* .

I am so depressed that I cannot provide the things in life that my children would most enjoy. I cannot even provide the basics most of the time. I find that to be the most depressing thing of all.

Well, hell, it is midnight. I still want to upload my game pics for you all to see. So, I guess I better end this. Nite. Tomorrow is going to be a long one.

Queen of mistakes.

I believe I belong on self checkout. As much as I hate it, I don't make mistakes while I'm there.

I made a check cashing mistake today, on an IRS check, I put in $10.07 when the check was $1007.00. I hope it's fixable. I don't think they are going to be that okay with a $1000 mistake, the $20 mistake was bad enough. *sigh* It is eating me alive. I just need someone to say "it will be okay Anjie, I promise". *sigh*

Tomorrow is going to be a very long day. I work at the cleaners from 8 to 11 or maybe 12. Come home, get changed & eat lunch & go to Walmart from 1:30 to 10:30. So, needless to say, I'm heading to bed soon.

I have nothing to say, how sad is that, LOL.

I guess I'll go to bed.

Is it Monday?

It sure feels like a Sunday. Except it is so quiet. The kids are all at school. Kid left to give this guy a ride, the guy said he would pay for gas & throw Kid a $100. I actually had to talk Kid into doing it, I guess the guy is FUCKED up, LOL & it is a 2 hour drive there & back. It didn't take much talking, I think after he thought about it, he knew he should do it. So I took a nice long hot bath & did some feminine maintenance, so to speak, LOL.

Things are going good here. I am taking every day as it comes. I can't say that my mind has been changed, but Kid is being very good to me, in so many ways. And I admit, I am enjoying it, very much. He is making my life a little easier. And he is also making me want to be better here at home.

Work is work. Nothing exciting there. I decided that I need at least 1 mental health day a week. One day where I have nothing I need to do, where I can just veg. Yes, working 7 days a week is totally doable, but I don't want to do it.

This is crazy, here it is Monday afternoon & I haven't seen Briana since Friday night I think, well, besides briefly on Saturday morning when she came in to talk to me. She left Saturday morning to go to her friends for a sleep over & didn't get home until Sunday afternoon, after I had left for work. So I'll be picking them up from school.

I think we are going to go to Walmart. I think I want to make homemade chicken soup for dinner, LOL. I haven't felt very good the last few days so I am thinking soup would be good, plus there will be lots of leftovers.

The weather is finally changing here, we opened the windows & they will probably stay open now. That will be a big help with the power bill.

Well, I think I'll go make a grilled turkey & cheese sandwich & get ready to pick up the kidlets.

Oh the hockey game (I just made my sandwich, LOL) was awesome!!! The Cats won, 4 to 3, my man, Zednik, scored his very first goal of the season, actually his first goal since the accident & I was there & I saw it!!!! We had a great time. I just didn't take very many pictures but I'm going to upload the ones I did take.

Okay, I am done, gotta finish my sandwich & get outta here.

Yesterday.....

was a bad day. I think most of it had to do with it being the first day of "that" time of the month. I was in a bad place mentally. I also fucked up pretty bad at work. It was a mistake, with a check. I was really busy & in desperate need of some food, so I was fading really fast.

Today, Fran (she is a really short, older lady, 50's or 60's), from cash office came out to talk to me about 3 different things, that fuck up being the biggest. My drawer came up $19 short because of it & there is nothing they can do about it. I asked her if I was going to be responsible for the $19, as if I need that. And she made me feel better, she said "I'm going to take it out of your ass." Everyone makes mistakes & I learned one. Knocked me down a few pegs too, LOL.

I am excited, we are going to a hockey game tonight, we need this, LOL. It's been quite a few months of no fun at all. Thank you Shari, for taking us!!!

I have also decided to take Monday off from the cleaners. It's one of my days off from Walmart, so I told Mariella that I can work Wed, Thurs, & Fri next week. So, Sunday night, I am hoping to get DRUNK!!! Maybe, LOL.

It's been a crazy couple of weeks; emotionally, mentally, physically. I've been on a rollercoaster & I am ready to get off of it now, please?

Well, I better go get stuff together for tonight. Going to go watch the Sharks kick some Cat ass, oh wait, I mean the Cats kick some Sharks ass .

Feeling really freaking......

blank!

I have no thoughts.

I don't want to be a mom.

I don't want to be a wife.

I don't want to be a friend.

I don't want to be an employee or a coworker.

I just don't want to be.

I don't feel right; not physically, not mentally. I am starting to wonder if my mental state is seriously affecting my physical health.

Kid has been unbelievably nice. He has been doing so much for me. And he has been trying really hard. But I am wondering if he thinks all this can erase 15 years of heartache? I want to be happy again. But how can I make that happen? But then tonight, he is mad at me, because I told him Sharon told me he told her he is leaving. He got pissed & said something about me believing them over him or something. And now he isn't talking to me. *sigh*

I slept pretty much all day yesterday. I woke up planning on going to work. Then decided that maybe I needed a day of rest. And went back to bed & slept until nearly 12. Got up, ate breakfast, left with Kid to run a bunch of errands. Came home & ate lunch & went right back to sleep, until after 6, almost 7, I think. Got up to fix dinner & then went back to bed.

All I want to do when I am home is sleep. I don't want to do anything at all.

I better call it a night. If I keep going with this, it will just get more & more depressing. Better if I quit now while I am ahead.

Change is in the air.

I am actually feeling quite happy right at this moment.

I can feel "fall" in the air. It is absolutely beautiful outside today!! Kid is going to clean all the screens tomorrow so we can open the windows again. That will not only let fresh air flow through the house, it will lower the power bill by about $100 a month.

I worked this morning but I left at 11. So it does feel kind of like a day off. It is really hard working 7 days a week, alot harder than I thought it would be. And when I say hard, I don't mean physically, I mean mentally. I have nothing to look forward too, no more, 4 more days until the weekend. What the hell is a weekend?

I do have something to look forward to though, a hockey game on Friday night. I am beyond excited. And Shari made it possible, yet again. She managed to get 5 free tickets!!!

So I might not be able to say only 4 more days until the weekend, but I can say only 4 more days until the hockey game!!

Kid is being so nice, unbelievably nice. Yes, the wondering thoughts, 'how long will it last' thoughts, are always in the back of my mind. But he is trying very hard. And that makes life a little more bearable. He did laundry this weekend, as in washed, dried, folded & put away. He does the dishes, he takes care of the kids, gets Zachs clothes out the night before. Makes everything in life a little more easy on me. And I am very appreciative. He hasn't drank anything in 2 days. He tells me he loves me all the time, calls me his sweetheart. He just told me before he left that he has loved me for so long, he doesn't want to lose me.

For the moment, I am trying to put all negative thoughts out of my head, no money worries, no life worries, just set it all aside, for right now. And I feel at peace.

I think I'll go take a nap.

Worst fight ever.

Thinking over it this morning, I could have handled the situation in a number of different ways. It is just as much my fault as it is his. But it did become physical. And I am hurting today. He grabbed my neck, from behind & pushed my head down. I don't believe I deserved it, but I was physical with him. And at one point I grabbed the keys from him & he grabbed me around the neck, with his arms, choking me, I was scared, I elbowed him in the groin. It was bad, so so bad.

The kids woke up & were so scared . It is so over, it is beyond over.

I gotta go, I have to get ready for work. I'll be back later, after work.

Will I ever learn?? Maybe it just doesn’t matter.

I was trying hard, very hard to keep the peace. Or maybe I wasn't really trying, maybe I was just pretending.

We are fighting again, all because I made one small comment. Out of annoyance, about the dishes. I know for a long long time I have been a fat lazy piece of shit, I know all this. I didn't clean, I didn't work; I sat & ate. That was what I did. He said he wasn't going to do the dishes any more, I said if I work & I have to do the dishes, get the fuck out. I was just annoyed. He blew it out of proportion.

OMG, I started this at 10pm & it is now 1am. Kid & I have been fighting all this time.

For some reason, I know that he is impossible to talk to, but yet I try & it bites me. I need to just shut my fucking mouth, he just doesn't listen. He takes in what I say & twists it around in his little brain & spews out the garbage that he hears. I fucking hate it!!

I told him everything, fucking everything tonight. I told him I talk to guys online to get something I don't get from him. I told him I have sex with him to shut him up. I told him I haven't called my grandma to ask for money to help pay the bills because I plan on calling her to ask for her help to leave. I laid it all out there. I told him why I am unhappy. I told him everything, from the bottom of my heart. \

And naturally, he is too fucking ignorant to see any of it, to hear any of it. He twisted everything, fucking everything. What the fuck ever.

I have been so afraid for so long, maybe this is what I need, a wake up call. Maybe him leaving will force me to take action. Force me to make a move, any move, wherever that may be.

Well, fuck, it is so late, I need to put my headphones on & go to bed. He is in a rampage, as long as I am up, it will just get worse. I'll have more tomorrow, maybe.

Here we go again.....

He is back to asking me to call my grandma to ask for money.

Our landlord was here today & asked about money. I was not here, I was at welfare dropping off another paper to apply for food stamps. And I have to go back again, to Work Force. I have a job, I don't understand why I have to go to Work Force. I also had to stop to drop off the cable box. I wish I could cancel it & steal cable from someone else.

I paid $200 on our $496 power bill, I also paid my $50 Dell bill & now we are broke, no money at all.

The sad part is that Zach & Briana have picture day tomorrow & I can't order the pics, Zach's kindergarten pics .

Kid has been up my fucking ass, all lovey & kissy, hands all over me while I sleep, it is extremely annoying.

Fuck it, I'm a bit too bummed for this right now. Going to go stuff something sweet in my mouth & take a nap.

A plan.....

that is what I need. I know I need it, but it is just so much easier to wallow in self pity.

I cannot even describe how I feel, the closest I can get is dead. I don't even want to come home, I dread it so bad.

Anyway, a plan.

I have no idea where I want to go, first of all. I could go back to IL, Lori has always said her door is open. I'm just not sure I want to go back. The biggest draw to IL is because of the familarity of it. It is a safe place because it is home.

Then there is Port St. Lucie, Tera has offered, thank you, with all my heart. I would love to be able to stay in FL, I love the weather, LOL. And it is so nice up there, much better than here.

There is Minnesota, with Quinn & Jolene, again, thank you!!!! I love you too, with all my heart. Quinn raves about how wonderful the help up there is, and how truly happy she is.

I would love to live in South Carolina, North Carolina, or Tennessee. I still have that fantasy of moving to where Dale Jr. is, LOL, I still think I am the perfect woman for him :P .

Okay, I'm back. I ate chocolate for dinner & crashed, hard, LOL. I slept for like an hour & a half.

Kid cried tonight.

He apologized for last night, he said what he always says, that he is stressed about money, blah, blah, blah. I told him he has been mean to me for far too long. He asked if I really wanted a divorce & I said yes. And he said just like that, you don't love me anymore. I said I will always love you, you are the father of my kids. But I am not happy any more. And now that I am feeling good about myself, the way you treat me is unacceptable.

And then he hugged me & he cried.

Now everything is okay, he thinks. Though I am still cold & distant. And I will continue to be. But yes, I do want to keep the peace. He does know how I feel. And he is really fucking scared. He never comes back here, but tonight he came & sat right here, LOL. I was talking to S, he came on & said Hi. I am like a drug addict, I had deleted him. I always decide that I don't want to have this weird friendships anymore, delete them & then when they IM me, I end up adding them again. It's like a drug or something. Maybe it's my lonliness, LOL. I deleted M too, LOL.

Anyway, tomorrow I am going down to food stamps place & dropping off all this paperwork & showing them my FPL bill & my bank statement, maybe that will get thinsg sped up, maybe, but I doubt it.

The other thing with showing up on someone's door step is I don't want to be a burden. It makes me feel so low to just drop in on someone, especially when I know how much everyone is struggling right now. I want to be self sufficient.

And you know, I've been fibbing. I do want to be loved. I want a man that will love me, just for me, for everything about me. Someone I can discuss a good book with or a good movie. Someone who will hold me when I want to be held & who will give me my space when I need it. Someone I can stand in the kitchen & cook dinner with & do the dishes with. Someone who I can sit on one end of the couch, while he is on the other, rubbing my feet or just letting my feet sit in his lap. Someone who will send me sexy comments & sweet emails. Someone who will tell me I am beautiful, that I am his world.

I know that everyone dreams of this great love. Is it even out there? Does it even exist? I know I have asked this a million & one times, I am still asking.

Well, I guess I better wrap this up. It's late & I am tired.

Miserable

Just fucking miserable.

Kid isn't talking to me at all. He goes around telling everyone, including the kids that I have a boyfriend. I was supposed to get off work at 4, but I stayed late & didn't get home until 7:30 & he said to the kids that I was with my boyfriend.

I guess I asked for it. No, I know I asked for it. I just don't care anymore. If I had the money, I would walk out the door right now. It doesn't matter how many times I say I do not have a boyfriend, he doesn't believe me, but I do not have a boy friend. I talk to 3 guys. Yes, I know it is wrong, but shit, look what I get from home. I am not "dating" them.

I guess he can't understand that all these changes are for me, not anyone else. He is convinced that the difference in me is because of a boyfriend. Which is total bullshit.

I am so depressed. I am so miserable. I think I'm going to call my grandma & see if she can help me get out of this. I am just crushed because I love my store, I love my job.

I am backing off of the guys I am talking to also. They all want one thing, they are all the same. I thought Matt was going to be different, but I guess not.

OMFG, Kid & I had a horrible, horrible, horrible fight. He accused me of cheating on him so bad. As in he has convinced himself that all last week, I lied about being at work. He saw my hours written down on a piece of paper, my walmart hours, and he aid "You said you worked this many hours, but there are only this many hours on this sheet of paper. You were out fucking your boyfriend the rest of the time." He was throwing stuff, threatening me, calling me names, telling me he hates me, he wants to kill me. Just horrible, nasty mean things. And believe me, none of this is an exaggeration, Shari was on the phone the whole time.

I have to get out. I have to come up with a plan. I am going to start researching online areas & help. I don't know yet where I want to go, but I will find the perfect place & then I am calling my grandma, when I have a plan & telling her everything. I hate him, I hate him with a passion. I will not live this way anymore. I have this job & I can transfer anywhere with it. I won't live this way anymore.

Anyway, as for M. He is hiding something, I don't know what, I don't care, but I am done talking to him. I asked him about his MySpace & he said oh, my friends set it up for me, I don't use it. I know he is lying, I am certain he is not married because I have seen him on cam, seen his apartment, but he probably has a girlfriend. He doesn't want me on his MySpace for some reason, so be it. He is a waste of time.

I deleted S, he is just another one that is out for one thing. I have gotten what I want from them & I am done.

I am having a hard time believing anyone could ever love me for me. I have this feeling of worthlessness. I know what I am doing, but when I get shit on at every turn, I can't help but feel there is a reason why. I am tired, overwhelmed, lonely, miserable, depressed, lost, stuck. All these things that my personality does not like to be.

Well, it is nearly 1am & I have to sleep, have to work both jobs tomorrow & listen to Kids "You fucking your boyfriend."

Believe me, I know how far from perfect I am. I just want to be happy again.

Do you even want to know??

Do I even want to type it out :P ??

Today was pure insanity!!! I didn't even know what to expect, I did not expect that. But the day flew by. For the most part I had decent customers. I did have one old lady want to talk politics & dispute my decision to vote for Obama, but whatever, LOL. I smiled & stayed friendly, as a good Walmart employee does. Oh wait, a smiling Walmart employee, is there such a thing?? I love my job, I truly do. And that is hard to say after spending the majority of the day on self checkout, with about 75% of customers being elderly people, really sweet elderly people. Elderly people + self-checkout = major stress. But I smiled through it all. And came home with a migraine. I walked in the door & said "I'm going to puke, I need 2 excedrin & a cold rag." As I walked to the bedroom, stripping on the way there, LOL.

I did not eat enough, drink enough water & as soon as the headache started, I didn't take anything, 3 mistakes, I will not repeat them tomorrow.

Anyway....... Tomorrow is going to be a long, very long day. I work at the cleaners in the morning, from 8 to 11, then home for about 40 minutes, and off to Walmart, for a 12 to 9 shift. I will be heading into overtime, if I'm not there already, LOL. A 13 hour day. It just doesn't feel worth it, but it is, I know *sigh* .

Okay, enough about work.

I talked to a new guy this morning, I was annoyed with my old guy, LOL. And this new guy is here, in south Florida, yikes!! He has already asked me out, I said NO, with a quickness. I am down with fun flirting online, even webcam, but no real life stuff, no way, no how. Wanna know where he wanted to take me?? To the Panthers preseason game on Monday night, wanna know where the seats were.... 8 rows from the glass!!! But I said no. That is like a date & I am a married woman, I do not date, I chat & flirt, that is what I do, that is ALL I do. He said I was pretty, much prettier than my Talk City pics, LOL & when I told him I worked at Walmart, he said he never saw any Walmart employee look like me. He said I looked like a professional or a librarian, LOL. So innocent, that is me!!

Well, fuck me, it is midnight, I have to take a shower & go to bed or I will not make it through tomorrow.