Unexplainable.

I just couldn't explain to Kid why I feel so depressed. He automatically thought it was because I'm not happy.

I left work early, like 2 hours early. I shouldn't have but it was so dead & I just didn't want to be there. Then I nearly burst into tears as I was heading home from work. I then fought off the tears all night long.

I don't know where it is coming from. It can't be because of work, I have a nice long 3 day weekend coming up.

Zach is having tooth pain & that is hard, especially with camping this weekend. He has a cavity on a tooth that has already been filled.

I just made up my mind, when I looked in the fridge & realized the jello I bought is sugar free, that I am going to start buying sugar free everything. I am going to buy sugar free drink mixes, all the sweets I buy, I'm going to be sure to buy all of them sugar free. I'll even start buying sugar free cookies.

In the mean time, I hope it works, Kid is going to take him to the doctor tomorrow to see if they will give him antibiotics. That will help with the pain right? And I will call to set up an appointment with his dentist. His dentist is only there on Fridays & Sat. & he can't wait until this weekend, besides we won't be here. Uggghhhh, I'm so tired of this. It's just because he eats so much shit. And it's all my fault, makes me feel like a bad mom. *sigh*

Well, I'm tired, better get some sleep, work tomorrow early, phone calls to make & cleaning to do.

Do you believe in signs?

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. Not sure if it is fate or whatever but for every action there is a reaction, and I believe the majority of the time, the reaction was probably already meant to be, understand what I'm trying to say here, LOL?

Anyway, the reason for all that mess, Kid told me the other night to just take the kids camping next weekend. I said no, we don't have the money, the van needs a water pump, camping is a lot of work, I'd have so much to do before we go, blah, blah, blah, every excuse you can think of, I had it. But they are very legitimate excuses.

As I was pressing yesterday morning & thinking about how much life sucks, LOL, I told myself that I was going to stop at Publix & if they had firewood, it was a sign, a sign that we are meant to go camping. And they had firewood, a shit ton of it, LOL. (We had a cold front this week, the lows were in the 50's all week, which is why they had firewood, they do every year but not usually until after Thanksgiving.)

The thing is, I have next Saturday & Sunday off. On Thanksgiving, I work 8:15 to 12:15, I am scheduled to work on Friday, 9:45 to 6:45. I was going to check the schedule to see who is off on Friday & see if I can switch with them, like for Monday, because I am off, but then said fuck it. I was concerned about missing the hours, that would make for a very small paycheck, but actually, I was scheduled to be off on Tues & Pat asked me if I wanted to work & of course I said yes, so there you go, my paycheck won't be any smaller at all.

I have not missed a day of work since I was hired. And I take great pride in that, LOL. But I decided that it's a job, I won't get any special rewards or bonuses, LOL, it's just a job. Yes, it is a responsibility, a necessity, what ever, but I need this weekend, we as a family need this weekend. But I admit, I do feel a little guilty for calling off *sigh*.

I miss my kids like crazy!! Cheyenne was texting me last night, keeping me updated on the game, I told her I wished I was watching with her. And she said she wished I was there too, that she misses me. I swear I nearly cried.

I worked 57 hours this week, 7 days, from Saturday until today (Friday). I have worked nearly 2 weeks straight. The reason I bitch & complain all the time about it is because I don't fucking want to do it. I am not a workaholic, I do not get pleasure from all this, honestly, all I fucking get is a small ass paycheck & a big ass headache.

Anyway, back to camping. When I told Kid that I made the decision to go, he was pissy & bitched a little. But after I asked him to go to & he really started to think about it, he was all happy & excited about it. He went to work today so he is going to get the water pump fixed tomorrow. He won't come down with us on Thurs, he'll come down on Friday but he is staying until Sunday. And I am actually excited about that. He has been so good to me, well, to all of us lately.

Alright, I am done, I have a migraine & a bunch of shit to do, so I'm going to go.

By the way, I don't think it was Jesse. If Jesse was here, he would be hanging around by now or at least I would have seen him by now. I am extremely relieved!!

Freaking the fuck out.....

I am sitting back here, listening for every little sound, but yet too nervous to look out the window.

Kid told me that today when he took Cheyenne to Payless they saw someone who looked just like Jesse; dressed like him, had a hat like him, walked like him & Cheyenne even said he smoked like him. Kid said that if that guy wasn't Jesse, he is Jesse's twin. Now seeing a guy walking down Federal highway, not far from our house wouldn't really be all that scary, but Kid then said he saw that guy first, walking at the end of our street but didn't get a good look at him until he saw him again, by Payless.

I did already have Kid check the front & back before he went to bed but I am just really freaked out, hearing all kinds of noises. I really really hope that it is not Jesse. I really can't deal with him right now. But more than anything, I want to know.

Kid was good to me last night, he did come back to the kitchen & put all the food away. And he did rub my shoulders & feet. He did all the dishes today, he folded all the laundry, fixed my bag of food for lunch & cooked dinner for the kids.

I am not as tired tonight, Sharon let me go at a little after 10, I was so happy. As much as we need the money, I don't need to be killing myself either.

Well, that's all I got, going to bed now. Another long one tomorrow. Nite.

Pity party for one please??

I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed & I don't know how I am going to make it.

How do people do it, this 2 job, 7 days a week bullshit, how do they manage it?

My house is a fucking wreck, not that that is any different than before but now I truly do not have the time to clean it. We aren't eating good at all because I don't have the time to cook a damn thing. I need to go grocery shopping but I don't have the time.

My schedule right now:

Saturday, we got up early & went clothes shopping for the kids, they needed some warm clothes with winter officially starting, came home just in time to shove food in my mouth & change, then off to work from 3 to 12.

Sunday, basically the same except I slept just a little later, like 10 or 10:30 I think, off to Target, home in time to eat lunch but Kid was here to pack my food for me, then off to work from 3 to 12, was supposed to be 11 but 2 cashiers called off & Cheryl didn't want to stay alone & I wouldn't leave her alone, that's not very nice, LOL.

I cannot remember when my last day off was, I think it was last Saturday or maybe it was last Monday.

Anyway, I didn't get home until nearly 12:30 last night, had to do a load of laundry all because I told Kid not to do it, why would I do that, uggghhh?? So I was climbing into bed at 1:30. When I woke up at 7, I literally felt like I had just closed my eyes.

I went to work at the cleaners. All I could think about was coming home to take a nap before I went grocery shopping. Then she came back & asked if I could work late & I said yes, like a dumbass. At one point I almost cried because I was feeling so sorry for myself, lame, I know. I do all of this for what?? Well, then I started thinking okay, how late is late, maybe only 1, that is not so bad. But then she came over at 12 & asked if I could work until 2 & I said yes but I had to eat. After lunch she then came over & asked if I could work until 3.

There went my whole afternoon, no time for a nap, no time to grocery shop, as I had to pick up all the kids at a little after 4. So I went to Walmart to exchange a shirt that I bought Zach & return a bunch of jeans the girls didn't want.

What do I do when I get depressed....... eat & shop. The 2 things that are killing me. I bought a new toaster oven & a new teapot.

Ok, back, had to leave for a bit, take the girls for new sneakers & go to Walmart for some food stuff, a small grocery, for the week.

I was talking to Kid about all this & I nearly cried because I was thinking about all this shit, all this working & between all this, I have no time at all for myself. No time to do something I really want to do.

I am just really tired & really depressed, it's also that time of the month already & that is totally fucking with my head.

Okay, a funny little story & then I am off to take a hot bath & hopefully get my feet & shoulders rubbed, I am aching all over tonight.

So, this old guy, he stocks at night, well, he isn't old, I think he is 43, he was talking to me while I was on lunch last night. He was telling me about how he works 3 jobs but what he really wants is to get his business going. I asked what kind of business it was & he said he sold stuff, like watches, sunglasses, clothes...... lingerie. He then shows me this paper with the lingerie on it, this is not your classy Victoria Secret lingerie, this is like nipple-less bras (with the chic sqeezing her nipples, thank you) & black leather looking stuff, really sleazy stuff, LOL. I was like, OMG, I am looking at this in the freaking break room at Walmart, I was nearly blushing, LOL.

Well, then he hands me this fat, like 1 inch thick catalog & all I could think was oh boy, what could this be, LOL. Imagine my surprise when I opened it to discover TOYS!!!!! I was blushing over the lingerie, imagine what I was thinking now!! Needless to say, I wasn't very comfortable looking through it in the break room, what if Pat had walked through or something, LOL.

Well, I guess I am done. Kid worked today, so he is oh sooooo tired & wants to go to bed, leaving me to work on laundry & put away the food from dinner. I think I'll eat a chocolate bar first. He won't rub my shoulders until I take a shower & I am far from being ready for a shower yet, so I guess he'll be asleep.

Yea, it is time for that candy bar *sigh* . Don't mind me, I'm just feeling sorry for myself like a big fat loser.

Oh, by the way, in the next 3 days, I will only see my kids for 15 to 20 minutes in the morning :( . And for about 2 hours on Thurs. My schedule will be 8 to 12 at the cleaners & 3 to 12, possibly 11 at Walmart for the next 2 nights & 8 to 1, 2, or maybe even 3 at the cleaners on Thurs, then 7 to 12 at Walmart. That makes me sad.

I wish....

I could be less of an 'all or nothing' kind of person.

I desperately want to go camping at some point this winter. There is most likely no way in hell we will be able to go for 3 nights. I want to just be able to throw the tent in the van with the bare necessities & just go for a night or 2, but I don't know if I can possibly do that. I start with saying okay, we need this & this, but then we might need this & oh wait, this is important & we can't forget this & before you know it, it's taking 3 hours to load the van & it is packed to the roof.

This coming weekend would be ideal. I am off on Friday & Saturday, and I don't have to be at work until 3 on Sunday. I could throw caution to the wind, throw the tent, chairs, the mattresses & sleeping bags in the van; load the cooler with food & some drinks. Camp Friday & Saturday & be home on Sunday. It won't happen because 1. the money is always an issue, 2. I need a water pump for my van, 3. money, money, money.

*sigh*

I better go. I have to work at some point tomorrow & I told the girls we might be able to do a little more shopping.

Fucking annoying.....

Kid's been drinking & not only that, he bought a case of beer tonight so that means he will be back to drinking every night.

He sat here, blah, blah, blah-ing at me about stupid shit, looking at me with that glazed over dumb ass look on his face. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I have a headache, have had it all night, my eyes hurt, I feel sick, I'm just going to go to bed. I told him I just need to go to bed. Then he said "What, do you want to talk to someone, is that why you want me to go to bed?" He apparently heard me tell him to go to bed.

What the fuck?????

I hate when he has been drinking, hate it, hate it, hate it!!!!!!!

I'm working 3 to 12 tomorrow & 3 to 11 on Sunday so I won't have to deal with it but for a short time, thankfully.

Well, I just wanted to bitch, I'm off to bed, I need to get rid of this headache. Plus I need to be up kind of early in the am to take the kids clothes shopping, cold front coming & they need some stuff.

Nite.

My life has been....

sooooooo boring.

Work, come home, work, come home.

I am completely depressed over my teeth. I have a front tooth that has a big chip, has had a big chip for a long long time, well, it is chipped worse & I am so afraid it is going to just break right off. I just want to cry. So, I'm going to make some phone calls & see how much it will cost to have it pulled, along with 1 more that is broken very low, that is on the top, more towards the back & get a 3 tooth partial (I am already missing a front tooth). I don't have any money but I need to see how much it will cost.

Kid's mom did bail us out with a little bit of money. I did make $576 total (between both jobs) this week. And Kid is working tomorrow & hopefully some next week.

The biggest reason I didn't pursue the CSM job, and you are so going to think this is lame, but it's because of my teeth. I am not comfortable talking to anybody at all. And the CSM has to talk to everybody. My teeth have hampered my personality in more ways than I could ever explain, there is just know way I could make you understand how I feel about them . When I talk to people, all I can think about is how hideous my teeth must look. When people talk to me, I can barely look them in the ey, my eyes are so busy staring at their teeth. It is just so fucked up.

Anyway........

I had my 90 day evaluation. Pat is very pleased with me. She knows how badly I want to go full time so she is going to see what she can do for me. She was so excited that I had perfect attendance, she even told Frank, the manager. Of cousre he said "Anjie, Anjie who?" Because I am so freaking quiet . However, I did find out that they no longer give a raise after 90 days so I will be making a lousy $7.65 for the next year before I get a raise. So, I have to admit, if I could find a better paying job, I would quit Walmart, I don't like my job that much. But sonce there isn't any work out there, I'll stick it out, it is a job.

Mariella is giving me a raise. Starting next week, I'll be making $8.50 with her. If I didn't hate pressing clothes so much, I'd quit Walmart & work more with her.

Work drama......

In the past week or so, 1 cashier arrested & 1 cashier fired for stealing. The cashier that got arrested, she let her girlfirend come through her line with like 2 or 3 baskets of groceries, totalling $600 something, then tried to run a bad check 8 times. They suspended the transaction & pushed the carts over to customer service, where she then called her girlfriend & told her to just come in & take the carts & push them out the door. This all happened on Sunday, just before I got there. When I got there she was being interviewed by the police in the back. I couldn't believe it.

The other cashier got fired for taking money out of the register.

One of our department leads had given a little pep talk just before the store opened saying how he hoped we were all there for a long time & he especially didn't want to see any of us taken out in handcuffs, think he might have jinxed it? Me, I thought, there is no way that any of us would be taken out in handcuffs, LOL. I have been so naive. I have been incredibly naive about customers too. I guess it is time to become more diligent, people have been stealing right under my nose, people I would never suspect, they make me feel stupid *sigh*.

Kid......

He is still being so nice to me. He rubs my feet, he cooks for me, does laundry, the dishes, everything. I have found I can't fantasize about anyone else like I used too. I try & try. But I feel incredibly guilty. But I still can't fantasize about him. So I am feeling pretty tense, LOL.

Well, as boring as it has been, I managed to find some shit to write about. Sorry it is so long.

Is it Saturday yet?

I am tired.

Kid has drank like every night this week. I don't feel it so much when I am not here. But when I am, I just get so annoyed. I don't think he realizes how much I dislike him when he has a buzz. I don't like the way he talks & acts when he has a buzz. Even if he is being nice, he is unbelievably annoying. I know he thinks the reason he nearly lost me is because of how mean he was being, but it is so so much more than that. *sigh* I don't want this anymore.

He is working tomorrow, with Joe. He isn't sure how long he will be working so he could be making $80 to $100. He said all he needs is $20 for gas & maybe $10 for Cash 3 tickets & he'll give me the rest. Grrrrrrrr, lotto, fuck lotto. But I won't say anything.

The sad thing is, we, well more specifically, Kid, doesn't want Cheyenne to walk home from the bus stop, I know she would be fine. We have noone at all to pick the kids up, so they are staying home from school. He isn't sure if he will be home by 4 & my hours are 12 to 9 tomorrow. I could possibly take my lunch, which is an hour, at 4 to 5 or 4:30 to 5:30 but the timing on Cheyenne's bus isn't specific enough & I can't be certain I could take my lunch at that time. So, we said fuck it, they will stay home.

I made my phone calls this afternoon, I didn't get anywhere *sigh* so I went to bed. I'm going to call FPL tomorrow & see if they will still cut us off on Monday even though we paid $200 on the final notice, though I know I should just pay the other $96 & be done with it.

Well, that is where I am at right now. I'm going to go listen to the hockey game on the radio & get ready for bed.

Mid week stress.

We got a final notice today for the power bill, pay $296 by the 10th to avoid shut off. I just paid $200, I get paid on Friday from the cleaners, which will be around $136, I think. Plus I have $30. So, I'll deposit the $166 & pay the other $96 on the power & pay my Dell which is $50. Hopefully noone will need anything between now & next Thurs, when I get paid at Walmart.

I better do my direct deposit stuff on Friday at Walmart, I keep forgetting.

I also paid $200 on the phone, now we owe $358.

I have a bunch of numbers to call tomorrow afternoon that Shari gave me. I have one called Farm Share, I guess they help people with food. And a number for Utility help, maybe if I show them my final notice bill & my bank account, they will help pay for it. Then I can buy food. Oh & I am calling the food stamps place.

I think I figured out where I really screwed up, I already had a case number because the kids have Medicaid & then I applied for food stamps & didn't mention the Medicaid, I wonder if I could have applied under the same case number, probably not. Oh well.

I seriously feel like crying right now. It's just too much, too much to think about.

I never realized how wasteful Walmart is. We cleared off the shelves of Halloween stuff today. The animated candy dishes that cost like $10 or $15, bags & bags of candy, a few costume pieces, tons of little Halloween goodies; 2 overflowing carts of Halloween stock, all down the trash compactor, all of it, every last bit. Perfectly good stuff, in the trash. It just blew me away. I still can't believe it.

One great thing to happen this week, OBAMA ELECTED FOR PRESIDENT!!!!! That was amazing. This is the first year I actually followed it, the first year I voted & it was so exciting. Cheyenne was watching with us & she was even like "Wow, this is exciting, like watching sports", LOL. I am so proud that we as a country actually did something right. And now hopefully we will see some change, we have some hope, we need this!!

Kid had a really good buzz tonight & he turned kind of shitty right before he went & passed out. Yea, little glimpses of the old Kid. He has been drinking for a few nights straight now & smoking. He keeps saying how close he was to losing me, I don't think he realizes he is sitting on a fine edged sword right now & it won't take much to fall off. *sigh*

Well, I have to work at the cleaners tomorrow & I won't be able to come home & go to sleep like I do every day, LOL, too many phone calls to make. But I am off at Walmart so it should be an easy day.

As usual, I wasn't done.

Money, ugghh. I don't know what I am going to do, I just don't know. We got our new power bill & phone bill. The power bill is $504 & the phone is $568. I have $445. My next pay check is on the 13th & it will be $400 something, $450 maybe but the insurance will be due, $220. I do not see any light at the end of this tunnel.

I will be getting paid this Friday from Mariella & it will be around $128, I hope, though $50 of it will got to my Dell bill. I worked from 8 to 12 on Friday & 8 to 1 today, 9 hours, that is a good start, I still have 2 more days with her this week. But I cannot work past 12 tomorrow because I need to vote before I go to Walmart at 3. I have no idea how long it will take so I want to give myself plenty of time.

Plus I still have to figure out how to feed this family.

However, I am not worried, LOL. I am not very stressed about it at this moment. Why? Because there are no answers, none at all. I just live day to day, minute by minute. I leave all my money at home along with my debit card so I am not tempted at all, but it does make it tough when someone needs something, LOL.

Kid got drunk tonight. He is already asleep. I could go on MSN & talk to M. But he has been pretty harsh on Kid. I showed him a picture & he was shocked that he is my husband, he said he honestly thought that was my grandpa. And he cracked a bunch of jokes. Only I am allowed to joke about my husband GODDAMNIT !!!! Thankfully Kid is already asleep, he wasn't getting nasty but he was getting insecure, saying stuff like "Mama doesn't love me" or "Mama hates me", blah blah blah shit, shit that seriously annoys me.

I am on the 7th day of an 11 day work week. My next day off being Saturday, my last day off being last Monday. Most days I wake up & ask Kid what day it is.

I did much better today with food but not great. I did eat less candy though. I fought the urge until after dinner, but I ate 2 little packs of Whoppers which was 6 Whoppers & a bite size Butterfinger crisp thing, not a fun size, a bite size & half a Reeses stick that Briana didn't want. That is so much better than the night before, LOL. But I then had a very small bowl of fat free ice cream, low fat, low calorie ice cream, but still. It is such an addiction, sweet sugary yumminess.

I was drinking coffee again too. I was using Splenda but I was putting this yummy Peppermint Mocha creamer in it. I am not buying anymore of it, I think there is enough for 1 cup of coffee left.

I should feel guilty, Cheyenne is cleaning the living room right now, as I sit here typing this, while drinking a beer. But I don't.

Oh, the Sabres won, by the way , woohoo!! Ryan Miller rocks the NET!!! Alright, I'm done, I'll leave you alone now.

While I wait for dinner to finish cooking.

So, tomorrow is a big day in the personal history of my life, LOL. I am voting for the first time ever. I did my research this afternoon about the different amendments to Florida's constitution & I have my answers ready so I don't have to wrack my brain trying to figure out what the hell it's asking, LOL. However I have no idea about the local politicians so I'm sure I will be skipping over those boxes, can I do that?

I had a very serious conversation with myself last night, in the bathtub, LOL, after eating so much candy that I felt sick, for the second night in a row. I feel like I have been slowly sabotaging myself over the last few weeks. Part of it is depression & the comfort I get from food. Part of it is the lack of money to buy healthier foods. Part of it is the grab & go because I'm always working. Part of it is working in a place where there is so much variety of food always available. But really, in truth, it's all just excuses. So, I am climbing back on that wagon. I want to feel that happiness again from getting on the scale & seeing a loss, not a gain. I am only 4 pounds up from my lowest weight but at the rate I am going, I'll slowly start gaining again.

The Panthers suck, I love 'em but they suck. I keep saying at least they are better than last year & they truly are but I don't know why they just can't win. So Cheyenne & I have decided that we need a team we can be excited about, a team that we can say "YAY, THEY WON!!!!" So, we have been checking out Western teams, LOL. We can't love an Eastern team the way we love the Cats, because that would be like cheating on our beloved Florida Panthers. So, I think we are looking at the Calgary Flames.

Maybe you are wondering how we are coming to the decision of who to like . We are checking out the guys, man!!! The team with the hottest players will get our fan-ship .

We actually like alot of teams, both Eastern & Western teams, we only really dislike a few. We hate the Montreal Canadiens, Carolina Hurricanes (probably because they are always better than our Cats & they are in our division), & the New York Rangers. Cheyenne hates more teams than I do, Detroit Red Wings being one of the biggest, LOL.

Well, dinner is done, the Buffalo Sabres are playing the New Jersey Devils, GO SABRES, so I'm going to go eat & watch the game with Cheyenne.