Eggshells.

Walking on eggshells, that is how I live anymore, actually that is how we live anymore. I say someone is cute, he assumes I am looking for someone else. I am too tired to have sex, he assumes I don't love him anymore. If I come on the computer, he says I love my computer more than him.

He even says shit to Cheyenne, that I don't want to be with him anymore, that I don't love him. She got so sick of it last night that she snapped at him & it pissed him off. Maybe a 13 year old shouldn't snap at her dad like that, but I know for damn sure that a dad shouldn't be laying his fucking insecurities at his 13 year olds feet.

I can't do this.

I cannot be myself in anyway. I have to sneak to come online & if he hears me typing, he comes around checking to see if I am chatting with anyone. I have to baby him & his feelings & I can't fucking stand it.

For the record, I have not talked to anyone online in such a long time.

I do realize that it is my fault, that I brought it on myself. But what the fuck did he expect me to do when he treated me so badly for so long. It's not like I went out & got physical with someone, I just freaking chatted, that is it!! Get the fuck over it, set it aside & move the fuck on!!

I really think that I do not love him anymore. I am trying. I think that I want to. But I just lose patience with this immaturity.

No, he is not what I want anymore. I know he sees it, feels it, and that is where alot of his insecurities come from. No matter how nice he is, when he is sober; no matter how loving he is... when he is sober; I just can't find it inside myself.

I guess I thought & hoped that if he changed, my feelings would change, but I guess it really is "too little too late".