Buzzin' blogging.

I have that warm fuzzy feeling all inside, I like it.

I am bored so I'll blog. S came on yahoo & it was obvious where his mind is at & I am just not in the mood. I haven't talked to him in ages & really don't feel like "talking" tonight.

I am so disillusioned right now. I feel so negative & cynical. Kid is all insecure & whiny, lucky for me he is really tired & has to work tomorrow, so he fell asleep.

I have had this headache all week, right behind my eyes. My head feels all cloudy. I am thinking it has to be sinuses. It has me in a bit of a shitty mood. I didn't say hi to him when I came home & it just ruined his night.

I have so much going on in my head like all the time.

Crazy weird thoughts. I am having weird dreams. I dream about people all the time now. I just can't shut nothin' off.

I decided I need to eat healthy again. I actually had a salad with my pizza tonight & it was sooo good. I wanted to lick the plate when I was done.

People are so weird. I actually had a lady get mad at me today for the way I was bagging. She said something like she wouldn't be able to pick up the bag, I immediately wanted to be shitty & put one item in each bag but I didn't, I kept the smile on my face & said Happy Holidays in my friendliest voice!!

I had a guy try to sneak 2 18 packs of beer out. He kept his cart close to the register & unloaded from the end of the cart. He put one 18 pack up but said nothing about the other 2 & after he paid & was moving forward I saw one & said oh, I didn't see the other 18 pack, then I saw the 3rd one.

I get so pissy when I catch people who are obviously trying to steal. I take it as they are stealing from me. When I know they are not, they are stealing from Walmart, why should I care, LOL. But I can't help but take it personally.

And actually, they are stealing from me, from my bonus. They, the other employees, were expecting a bonus but we are being sued, already, a lady fell. Another lady fell a week or so ago. She slipped in vomit *gag*. I'm sure she will sue. There goes any bonus, out the door. Alex said "I wonder how many incidents the super centers have?" I wonder too now.
We have so many old people in our store. I just can't deal with grouchy old people. Grouchy old people & bratty kids, not my easiest people to deal with.

Most days I want to just crawl under a rock.

Kid makes my life a living hell with his mood swings & insecurities.

I am sorry this is so jumbled, my thoughts are jumbled.

I had a mother & daughter in my line first thing this morning, actually my very first customers, they were having a disagreement. The mom paid & walked off, she sat on the bench crying, while the daughter vented to me. I understand mothers & daughters fight, all the time, it is natural. But I wanted to tell that daughter that my mom died 5 years ago, I wish I could talk to her one more time. I miss her so much.

I was thinking the other day how I would just like to become Anjie, but part of me is afraid that my mom picked the name Anjare & I would be losing a valuable gift from her. But part of me thinks she wasn't as crazy about that name, I never ever, in my whole life, remember her calling me Anjare, she always called me Anjie, or Anjie Lu. My dad called me Anjare. Makes me think it was his choice.

One more drink & I am off to bed.

I see old couples & I wonder if they are happy or if they have just settled. I feel like so many people settle. I long for someone that I can feel like an equal too. I feel like Kid & I are both on edge all the time. I give him shit for drinking & smoking so he is always on the defensive. He gives me shit for being on the computer so I am always afraid to be on here, then when I am, I go on the defensive. I hate this life, hate it, with a passion. I hate every part of it.

Tonight I got bitched at for not bitching at the kids for their messes. I don't give a fuck about the messes. I can barely crawl out of bed in the morning, I just don't give a fuck.

Zach is hooked on the computer, it is so damn cute, LOL. Tonight I painted the missing letters on the keyboard with white nail polish, just for him, it is rather odd looking at the keyboard now, LOL. I should take a picture.

Every time Kid says you don't want to be with me anymore, I know it, I want to SCREAM at him "You are so fucking right!!!!! I don't want to be with you, I keep telling you that!!" But you know what stops me, the memory of the night I told him how I felt & he touched me all night & cried about me wanting a divorce. No matter how many times I told him not to touch me, his hands were on me.

I can't bare the thought of him touching me. I hate this. I am actually afraid that I will never want to be touched again.

I feel so fucked in my head.

Well, my drink is almost gone now. I am so tired, lots to do tomorrow.

Thanks for reading my mess, if you got this far.