I lied.....

I'm still crushing.

Do you know how sad it is that I need to get drunk to enjoy sex with Kid?

Anyhow.....

I got a good compliment tonight. From one of the stockers. The conversation went kind of like this.... Well, no, I don't think it went like that at all, but this was the whole point, LOL.

C: You better watch out, you're husband is going to get jealous. He's going to start stalking you, thinking you have a boyfriend.

Me: He already thinks I have a boyfriend.

C: Well yea, look at you.

Everyone has been saying nice things to me. But why is it so hard for me to see it??

I am a mental case.

I nearly ran into my crush today & it scared the crap out of me, LOL. I came around the corner as he was coming around the corner & we both stopped dead. He put his hand on his chest. I didn't even think he was working today.

For some reason today I saw him sooo much. Everywhere I went, he was somewhere around. He went to the bathroom & he cut through self checkout, which he never does. I was in the backroom & he was there for a minute. I went out to break & he was going in. I got my share of eye candy today, LOL.

Okay, I'm buzzin' a bit so this is going to seem sporadic.

Kid is falling more in love with me as I am falling more out of love with him.

You really want to know what I hope 2009 brings me? I want to be single, I desperately want to be single. This is how 2009 should go for me to make me happy.

Kid gets his lawsuit & it is fucking fat!!!!

I haed to the dentist for implants & walk out with agorgeous smile.

Before the day is over I have money transferred to my account & Kid's bags packed by the door.

And this should all happen, oh, I don't know, IN FEBRUARY!!!!!!! For my birthday. That would be a most excellent birthday gift, I must say.

A little side note, I am slightly drunk.

I want to hold hands. I want to feel fingers through my hair. I want to feel hands on my hips. I want to feel lips on my neck. I want to feel arms around me.

I can get all of this, right now, but it's the wrong person.

I want a divorce with a booty call on the weekends, or any time, LOL. I just want to date. I want to be young & carefree.

I have started to wear bracelets & earrings & painting my nails. I am starting to feel more like me again. When I was fat, I wore what fit, didn't matter how it looked & I dod not, in any way draw attention to myself. Now I thrive on attention, to a certain point. I like to be noticed. I like when I make a guy nervous, LOL. I do retarded things, like hold my head a certain way, flip my hair, look up in a coy way, yea, I do all those retarded things. I like it.

But then I feel worthless. Acccckkkkk. I am so fucked!!!!

Well, I guess I better end this. I am drunk & I do actually have to work tomorrow afternoon, ugghh.

Oh, I almost forgot, we got foodstamps, $840 fucking dollars!!!!!!!!!! I think that is back payment, but whatever. I am so freaking happy!! I spent nearly $200 after work tonight, completely filled the deep freezer. I still have $600 something left. We are going shopping on Fri. I am so fukcing happy!!

Why the need to confess?

I don't know why I feel the need to confess everything, all. the. time. But I do think I figured out why I feel the need to confess to a certain person. I want him to know that his compliment did not go unnoticed. I feel kind of guilty for not acknowledging it at the time. It made my day actually & I don't know why I didn't say thank you, LOL. Well, I do know why, but that doesn't matter.

So, I guess I feel like if I say I think you are cute, then he will know that I noticed.

Ack, I don't know, I just don't know.

It shouldn't even matter, I'm freakin' married!! So very unhappily married, but married all the same.

So, I'm thinking I'll get drunk tonight & send a message then I can say, omg, I was so drunk, I can't believe I did that .

I really do want to get drunk tonight, I need the release, I want to do more than that but I'll be a good girl........... maybe.

I'm feeling a bit wordy today, so I'm sure I will be back at some point.

Sex & lies....

I wanted to write this last night because I was so emotional. Kid wanted sex, he said he wanted a quick one, I was not in the mood at 3am but then figured whatever. It wasn't quick & I tried so hard to enjoy it. I tried to conjure up mental images of other people & places but it just didn't work. I did not get off& when he was finished I started to cry. Not loudly, just tears & he didn't know. I went to the bathroom & forced the tears to stop.

I cried because I do not want any part of him touching me. He was making love to me, kissing me, touching me, being gentle & loving & I hated it. I am living a lie & it is tearing me up inside. I can't tell him because he won't listen. I tried.

When will all this be over? When will I be free? How can I possibly get away?

I am drowning.........

Concussion?

I think that I have a concussion. All the symptoms lead to that.

Almost 2 weeks ago, I was reading to Zach, I got up to get something & when I came back, as I was going to sit on the bed, I hit my head on the wall, right at the really hard part at the back of my skull. I hit it so hard that my head bounced off the wall & the girls heard it all the way in their bedroom. But since it didn't leave a bump or hurt for more than a minute, I thought nothing of it. The very next day was when I started feeling like this.

WebMD

What is a concussion?

A concussion is a brain injury that is caused by a sudden blow to the head or to the body. The blow shakes the brain inside the skull, which temporarily prevents the brain from working normally.

Some people have obvious symptoms of a concussion (such as passing out or feeling lightheaded), while others do not. With rest, most people fully recover from concussions within a few hours to a few weeks.

On rare occasions, concussions cause more serious problems. Repeated concussions or a severe concussion may require surgery or lead to long-lasting problems with movement, learning, or speaking. Because of the small chance of permanent brain problems, it is important to contact a doctor if you or someone you know has symptoms of a concussion.

My symptoms:

• Feeling lightheaded, seeing "stars," having blurry vision, or experiencing ringing in the ears.
• Not being able to stand or walk; or having coordination and balance problems.
• Feeling nauseous or throwing up.
• Changes in your ability to think, concentrate, or remember.
• Headaches or blurry vision.
• Changes in your sleep patterns, such as not being able to sleep or sleeping all the time.
• Changes in your personality such as becoming angry or anxious for no clear reason.
• Lack of interest in your usual activities.
• Changes in your sex drive.
• Dizziness, lightheadedness, or unsteadiness that makes standing or walking difficult.

That is exactly how I feel. Do you think it could be a concussion?

I just hope I feel better soon *sigh*. I do not want to go to the hospital to have it checked out, I just want to feel better .

Yesterday's blog post.

I posted this yesterday at the other place, LOL.

First mistake of the day, I fucked up my green bean casserole. I forgot to mix the soup with milk & then when I tried to mix it together in the pan, the beans fell apart. I wasn't too heartbroken though because I was kicking myself for not using frozen beans. I scrounged in the freezer & found some frozen green beans & found a can of mushroom soup in the cabinet, so I saved that dish.

Then I noticed that I didn't plug in the crockpot with the stuffing. WTF?? I went to stir it & it felt cold & that was when I realized what I had forgotten.

Then I just discovered that I forgot to take out the freaking giblet pack from the turkey.

Jeez, what the hell is wrong with me??

I have felt like a complete airhead all day. When I nap, I can barely sleep, I can't shut my mind off. It races in a million different directions. I am starting to think there is something really wrong with me .

Kid is pissy & I can't care, which makes him even more pissy. I took a bath & he asked me if I wanted him to shave me & I said no, then he asked if I wanted help & I said no. How can I say yes??

But the kids had a good Christmas. They are very happy with what they got.

I talked to Terry, he sounded good.

I decided that I need a day for me, just for me. So, on Sunday I am going to go get my eyebrows waxed & finally get highlights. Then go have lunch somewhere & then go see a movie.

Of course I'm sure I'll come home to "Did you see your boyfriend, did you have a good day with your boyfriend, did you fuck your boyfriend?"

I'm back, we ate the dinner & went for a drive. It was nice, except Kid sat at the table saying how he didn't belong here. Then as we were leaving he was saying shit like "You all go off to look at lights while I stay here & do dishes." My response was "You went to see Joe & Tiger from 11 to 3 while I stayed home & cooked."

Yea, he was basically drunk & passed out before we got home.

I wrote in my journal last night, something that I am so embarrassed about, something that I am still debating about posting. You know me, I'm sure I will post it...... later. I just can't keep a damn thing to myself. You must think I am psychotic.

Well, I'm off for a bit, I may or may not be back to post my embarrassing "secret".

Buzzin' blogging.

I have that warm fuzzy feeling all inside, I like it.

I am bored so I'll blog. S came on yahoo & it was obvious where his mind is at & I am just not in the mood. I haven't talked to him in ages & really don't feel like "talking" tonight.

I am so disillusioned right now. I feel so negative & cynical. Kid is all insecure & whiny, lucky for me he is really tired & has to work tomorrow, so he fell asleep.

I have had this headache all week, right behind my eyes. My head feels all cloudy. I am thinking it has to be sinuses. It has me in a bit of a shitty mood. I didn't say hi to him when I came home & it just ruined his night.

I have so much going on in my head like all the time.

Crazy weird thoughts. I am having weird dreams. I dream about people all the time now. I just can't shut nothin' off.

I decided I need to eat healthy again. I actually had a salad with my pizza tonight & it was sooo good. I wanted to lick the plate when I was done.

People are so weird. I actually had a lady get mad at me today for the way I was bagging. She said something like she wouldn't be able to pick up the bag, I immediately wanted to be shitty & put one item in each bag but I didn't, I kept the smile on my face & said Happy Holidays in my friendliest voice!!

I had a guy try to sneak 2 18 packs of beer out. He kept his cart close to the register & unloaded from the end of the cart. He put one 18 pack up but said nothing about the other 2 & after he paid & was moving forward I saw one & said oh, I didn't see the other 18 pack, then I saw the 3rd one.

I get so pissy when I catch people who are obviously trying to steal. I take it as they are stealing from me. When I know they are not, they are stealing from Walmart, why should I care, LOL. But I can't help but take it personally.

And actually, they are stealing from me, from my bonus. They, the other employees, were expecting a bonus but we are being sued, already, a lady fell. Another lady fell a week or so ago. She slipped in vomit *gag*. I'm sure she will sue. There goes any bonus, out the door. Alex said "I wonder how many incidents the super centers have?" I wonder too now.
We have so many old people in our store. I just can't deal with grouchy old people. Grouchy old people & bratty kids, not my easiest people to deal with.

Most days I want to just crawl under a rock.

Kid makes my life a living hell with his mood swings & insecurities.

I am sorry this is so jumbled, my thoughts are jumbled.

I had a mother & daughter in my line first thing this morning, actually my very first customers, they were having a disagreement. The mom paid & walked off, she sat on the bench crying, while the daughter vented to me. I understand mothers & daughters fight, all the time, it is natural. But I wanted to tell that daughter that my mom died 5 years ago, I wish I could talk to her one more time. I miss her so much.

I was thinking the other day how I would just like to become Anjie, but part of me is afraid that my mom picked the name Anjare & I would be losing a valuable gift from her. But part of me thinks she wasn't as crazy about that name, I never ever, in my whole life, remember her calling me Anjare, she always called me Anjie, or Anjie Lu. My dad called me Anjare. Makes me think it was his choice.

One more drink & I am off to bed.

I see old couples & I wonder if they are happy or if they have just settled. I feel like so many people settle. I long for someone that I can feel like an equal too. I feel like Kid & I are both on edge all the time. I give him shit for drinking & smoking so he is always on the defensive. He gives me shit for being on the computer so I am always afraid to be on here, then when I am, I go on the defensive. I hate this life, hate it, with a passion. I hate every part of it.

Tonight I got bitched at for not bitching at the kids for their messes. I don't give a fuck about the messes. I can barely crawl out of bed in the morning, I just don't give a fuck.

Zach is hooked on the computer, it is so damn cute, LOL. Tonight I painted the missing letters on the keyboard with white nail polish, just for him, it is rather odd looking at the keyboard now, LOL. I should take a picture.

Every time Kid says you don't want to be with me anymore, I know it, I want to SCREAM at him "You are so fucking right!!!!! I don't want to be with you, I keep telling you that!!" But you know what stops me, the memory of the night I told him how I felt & he touched me all night & cried about me wanting a divorce. No matter how many times I told him not to touch me, his hands were on me.

I can't bare the thought of him touching me. I hate this. I am actually afraid that I will never want to be touched again.

I feel so fucked in my head.

Well, my drink is almost gone now. I am so tired, lots to do tomorrow.

Thanks for reading my mess, if you got this far.

And what stupid thing did I do today?

I confessed to Kid that my grandma & Terry sent me money last year. Why did I do that? Maybe I was ready for a clear conscience. Maybe I was hoping it really wouldn't be a big deal. Yea, smack me up side my head, I should totally know better. All this came about because my grandma sent a check today for Christmas. I just let it out. I told him I didn't tell him last year because I wanted to blow it. I thought he would make me deposit to pay bills. I told him the truth. He laughed it off at the time. But now tonight it's all about you lied to me, why did you lie to me. You don't love me because you lied to me.

If we are going to talk about lies, then what about the smoking lie. Every time he comes inside he smells like smoke & he even tastes like it when I kiss him, but he says no no no. This morning I walked outside to ask him something, he wasn't in the chair, but his paper & coffee were, I knew he was smoking, so I went to his car & caught him lighting one.

That is a lie, a flat out lie. But no, my lie a year ago is bigger & worse. His daily lies are nothing.

But I won't go on about this.

Life is basically the same. Christmas is next week, I am basically ready though it really doesn't feel like it at all this year, I don't know why. I just want it to be over with already *sigh*.

Tomorrow is our pot luck at work. I couldn't figure out anything to make, and then I remembered that I had sweetened condensed milk & I thought about those 7 layer bars. I amazingly had all the ingredients so I made those & they smell divine, LOL.

I have to start eating good again. I have been eating so bad ever since I started working at Walmart. Too much junky food at my fingertips. Plus we are eating like shit here at home, it is so hard to be motivated to cook when I am working so much.

I desperately want to quit the cleaners but I can't just yet.

I have a crush on this guy who works in the deli. He is really cute & funny. Though he doesn't talk to me, LOL. He did call me pretty the other day & I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. But now he doesn't even acknowledge me, oh well. I am a married woman after all. It's just a little crush. I am not pursuing anything at all, I am not stupid.

But I did wonder, not that I could ever do it, I wondered what it would be like to be single, as in no kids, no husband. I think that at 32 it is natural to wonder that. I have been a mom & wife my whole adult life, I don't know any other life. I said to Kid the other day I wonder how we would be if we didn't live our lives for our kids. I didn't tell him that I knew I wouldn't be with him.

Well, I better go now, for real. I'm getting sleepy. Nite!!

Kinda funny, kinda stupid but totally me :P .

It is 2am, we are baking tomorrow & yet here I sit. Actually, I just sat down, with a piece of caramel apple pie which is absolutely divine.

I had to blog this though because it is a testament to how retarded I am .

After the kids finally fell asleep & after the Panthers beat the Calgary Flames in a shootout, which I had to watch online, which I got lucky enough to find online, I gathered my shopping bags from the closet to start wrapping gifts.

I bought 3 rolls of wrapping paper today, one of them I absolutely love. I have to have several kinds of paper under the tree, I am anal like that. I actually had at one point like 15 different rolls of paper, but I lost it all in the flood.

So, I'm just a happy wrapping mom... wrap..... tag.... wrap..... tag. All the gifts in a nice neat pile, 3 wrapped in this paper & 3 wrapped in that paper, etc, LOL.

As I get down to the last 3 gifts, it occurs to me that for the first time, everything is completely different. Usually there will be 3 of the same box because everyone got pjs, or books, or a movie. Not this time. This time every thing except for 2 boxes, is completely different, and those 2 boxes shake differently . And that was when I decided that I did not want these gifts tagged.

I want to be the only one to know who all these gifts are for. I don't want them to pick up a gift & shake it & say "Oh, I think this is ______, just what I asked for." I want them to wonder who it is for & then what it is, LOL.

But of course all the gifts are tagged. So, I very gently try to take the tags off, didn't work. It didn't rip the paper but it made for a white nearly see through spot in the paper. So, I then start to cut out scraps of the matching paper. And on a few, can you believe it, I even cut it out to match perfectly. But it is obvious that I altered these packages because my tape is plain old scotch tape, not the transparent tape.

Yes, I am anal. And I always will be.

Off to take some Nyquil & hopefully sleep in a bit.

Words don't mean a damn thing.

Kid & I had another one of those fights on Fri. night. He was just horribly annoying. All I wanted to do was IM with Quinn & have a few drinks. I wanted to enjoy my night off doing something that I find entertaining. But he had to get in my face with his lame, tired ass insecurities. He was so bad that I actually tried to leave, he stopped me from getting in my van so I took off walking down the street. He naturally got in the car & followed me. If I didn't have my freaking slippers on I would have kept on walking. I figured it was a waste of time to try to get away, so I turned around & came home. All he kept saying was get in the car, I'm sorry, I love you. But after we got home, he just went on & on. At one point I laid in bed just bawling my eyes out, hating all this so much. I got up to go in the kitchen & he ran after me. He just kept at me, constantly.

I told him that I cannot stand him when he has a buzz & if he doesn't quit drinking, then I am leaving. But those words don't mean a damn thing if I don't do it *sigh* . Just like his words don't mean a damn thing to me.

I have always felt that a person should not force another person to quit something. I do not want to force him to quit drinking, I just can't stand him when he is drinking. So, if he expects me to stay with him, and love him, he needs to quit, I'm sorry but that is how I feel.

He won't quit, I know this, so I am just bidding my time until I can leave.

Sat. he was of course sober & apologetic. But very reserved & quiet. He decided though, at the last minute that we should throw caution to the wind & go to the hockey game. We did have a good time, $150 later, even though the Panthers lost, really bad!!

I never did finish my blog about camping, now I am too tired & I don't have the time in the next week. We are baking this weekend & I have a bunch of shit to do to prepare for it. So, in a nutshell, we had a great weekend. I will upload the rest of the pics though, I got some good ones.

I am getting sick, I feel like shit. I cannot get sick, I mean it!! So I just took some Nyquil & a Cold Eaze (?). I'll also be taking Echinacea before I go to bed. I just absolutely cannot get sick!!!

Okay, off to bed now. Nite!!

Eggshells.

Walking on eggshells, that is how I live anymore, actually that is how we live anymore. I say someone is cute, he assumes I am looking for someone else. I am too tired to have sex, he assumes I don't love him anymore. If I come on the computer, he says I love my computer more than him.

He even says shit to Cheyenne, that I don't want to be with him anymore, that I don't love him. She got so sick of it last night that she snapped at him & it pissed him off. Maybe a 13 year old shouldn't snap at her dad like that, but I know for damn sure that a dad shouldn't be laying his fucking insecurities at his 13 year olds feet.

I can't do this.

I cannot be myself in anyway. I have to sneak to come online & if he hears me typing, he comes around checking to see if I am chatting with anyone. I have to baby him & his feelings & I can't fucking stand it.

For the record, I have not talked to anyone online in such a long time.

I do realize that it is my fault, that I brought it on myself. But what the fuck did he expect me to do when he treated me so badly for so long. It's not like I went out & got physical with someone, I just freaking chatted, that is it!! Get the fuck over it, set it aside & move the fuck on!!

I really think that I do not love him anymore. I am trying. I think that I want to. But I just lose patience with this immaturity.

No, he is not what I want anymore. I know he sees it, feels it, and that is where alot of his insecurities come from. No matter how nice he is, when he is sober; no matter how loving he is... when he is sober; I just can't find it inside myself.

I guess I thought & hoped that if he changed, my feelings would change, but I guess it really is "too little too late".

Thanksgiving Camping Trip

So, I had to work on Thursday until 12:15, they really needed me to stay but I really didn't want too. I also figured that since I was already losing the time & a half pay because of taking off on Friday, then what was the point. I needed this break. I had a million things to do before we left anyway.

We left here at like 3:30 & got there at almost 5:30. They still have a lot of the campground closed off so there weren't very many spots to choose from, the one we ended up picking was site 13 & it was perfect. After we pulled in & got out we realized that we had been there before, at that site, it is huge. We camped at that site when we camped Feb of 07, when it got to like 30 something at night, LOL.

I took this picture on Sat.



One thing we did notice is that alot of the vegetation through the park has been burned. We think that it was from precsribed fire as opposed to natural wild fires. The pine lands thrive on fire so they periodically prescribe fire to help simulate what nature is meant to do.

I was a little disappointed at first because I thought it would take away from that private feeling we always got when we camped there but really it was fine. They really do have the layout in that campground set up very nicely.

We got the tent set up before dark but we ended up setting up everything else in the dark. It wasn't as bad as I had always assumed it would be. Then we settled in around the camp fire at about 8pm to enjoy a nice Thanksgiving meal consisting of grilled cheeses sandwiches & smores.

It got down in the 50s that night so it as quite chilly. I actually woke up alot through the night, basically whenever I moved & hit a cold spot on the bed, which was wherever my body was not at, LOL.

We got up early on Friday & had bagels & coffee/hot cocoa, while waiting for Kid to arrive. He got there around 12, I guess. The kids were so excited. We had lunch & headed over to the Anihinga Trail to see if we could see any gators.

At the start of the trail.




The Everglades are still very very wet for this time of the year, I was quite surpised & very happy, LOL. Though because of how wet it still is, we didn't see very many gators. As the dry season continues, the more the Glades dry up, then the gators congregate where the water is.

But Cheyenne spotted this little baby on the right side of the trail, a place we have never seen a gator before. He was so freaking small & soo cute, we just wanted to pick him up, LOL.



He looks like he is smiling, LOL.



Like I said we only saw a few gators, this big boy being one of them.





And this smaller one.



And we did see a few in the water.

I love this picture because of the way the clouds are reflecting off the water, it was just really neat. It was an absolutely beautiful day!!



But it was nice being together as a family. I felt kind of out of my comfort zone a few times, because we never do anything together as a family. It almost felt like dating, and introducing my new boyfriend to my kids, at least how I imagine it would feel like. It was kind of a bizarre feeling at times.



After the Anhinga Trail we walked the short Gumbo Limbo trail, reading signs & learning stuff, LOL. This was a cool picture, just a little water hole, but it looked so wild.



That is one reason I love the Everglades so much, there is so much wildness down there. Like when we walk the various trails, the boardwalks lead through a tangle of trees, it's hard to image people & animals being able to weave their way through.

Then a short stop at the Visitors Center. Where I bought a magnet to add to the fridge. I decided from now on, wherever we go, I am buying a magnet, it is a cheap & easy way to collect souvenirs.

Posing with the Panther, LOL.





Then we headed to Walmart to pick up some ice & ant spray, we managed to somehow put the table in a pile of red ants.

We ended up stopping at this little store not far from the campground, it was like 4:30, the sign said it closes at 5, but the reason we stopped was for ice, it was amazingly much cheaper than Walmart. The old lady was eating when we walked in & she gave us kind of a nasty look & asked what she could get us & when we said 3 bags of ice, she said "Oh" & her whole demeanor changed, it was quite funny, LOL. I'm guessing she was annoyed at the possibility of messing up her clean grill so close to closing .

Anyway, Briana & Zach wanted a picture with the rather fake looking gator in the parking lot.







When we got back to the campsite we decided to have the fire & make hot dogs before we headed back to the Trail to see if we could see the eye shine of some gators. I just love that trail at night. Again, we saw a few, not much at all though, but at least Kid could get an idea of what we are always talking about.

We relit the camp fire & ate smores. Zach crawled up in my lap & fell asleep. I just loved holding him like a baby again. I grab those moments whenever I can!! However, because he fell asleep the way he did, he ended up peeing the bed. Thankfully I always prepare for anything so I was able to change him & the sheets rather quickly. The kids all settled in the tent & fell asleep pretty fast.

Kid & I sat around the fire, talking, drinking beer, LOL. I told him alot of shit, I also told him that I feel like he doesn't trust me & he needs to set everything he has read & heard aside. I have set a bunch of shit aside & now it is his turn. I'm not sure if he can or will, but I said my peace. I am quite happy with the way that night turned out.

Alright, I am really tired. I'll finish this tomorrow before I go to work. I don't have to wotk at the cleaners & I don't start at Walmart until 2:30 so I'll have the whole morning. I won't be able to do much cleaning as I hurt my back, so no bending for me.

I also had my second phone interview today for food stamps. It looks promising, I hope *sigh*.

Okay, night all.