Must be that time....

of the month soon. I feel so blah. I had a migraine pop up out of nowhere on Saturday. I want to eat everything in the house. I feel so unbelievably overwhelmed. I have a million things to do & I have no freaking idea on where to even start. I just want to crawl in bed & sleep but yet then I don't want to do that. I HATE THIS FEELING!!!!!

Well, shit, its almost 1am, I better call it a night *sigh*. I've got nothing good to write about anyway.........................

Over it.

And not in a bad way either, LOL. I am not as upset anymore as I was last night (read my MySpace blog if you are wondering, LOL). It is what it is. I told him this morning that I need more than that. I need to be touched & kissed. I even asked him if he doesn't like kissing me because of my teeth. He looked at me like I was crazy & said no, LOL. But I just put it all aside, screw it. Not worth getting pissed over. I had hoped we might be able to tonight but alas, he got fucked up again & passed out really really early. No surprise there. But I am not mad. I'm just going to watch a movie instead.

Cheyenne stayed home sick today. I don't think she was sick but whatever. Kid got up with the kids again today. It is really sad that both girls asked me to get up & take them in the morning. They are sick of their dad, sick of his mouth, his attitude, of him. But I sleep in whenever I can. Hmmmm, does that make me a bad mom?

Well, I guess I better go start that movie before it gets too late. Tomorrow is another day.

Breathing a sigh of relief.

So, many of you know what kind of Panther fan I am.  And what kind of Zednik fan I am.  Sunday night during the game at Buffalo there was a horrible accident.  Our captain Olli Jokinen was checked & as he went down his leg went up & Richard Zednik who was on the prowl for the puck was cut on his neck by Olli's skate.  It was horrible, just horrible!!!  I was in the kitchen when Cheyenne yelled "Oh My God Oh My God Zednik is hurt!!  Cut bad!!".  I ran to the living room just in time to see him skating to the bench.  My heart nearly stopped seeing all the blood.  And then to see him stumble as they headed down the tunnel.  I was so incredibly worried.  I really thought he might die.  So, I stalked the Panthers website & message board all week long.  I even started posting.  I looked up pictures, I looked up videos, I even watched the saved game on my DVR, I finally deleted it last night.  I was so consumed by it.  But of course as the week has gone by & the updates have gotten better & better, I have relaxed.  It no longer consumes me anyway.  The people on the message board are calling him "Richard the Lionheart". 

I think because it is just absolutely amazing that he was cut so severely, the surgeon said his carotid artery was severed to the point it was "hanging by a thread", and yet he managed to skate to his bench, to the aid of medical personnel.  They have said that if it wasn't for his quick thinking & the response of the medical staff at the arena, he could have died.  Yea, hockey is a rough sport & these guys are tough but this is the kind of accident that rarely happens.  Or at least when it does, it is rarely life threatening.

So, the latest update, Zed should be released tomorrow, well, today, and heading home to South Florida!!!  

The love & support that has come from the whole NHL fan nation for the Zednik's, the Panthers & the fans has just been amazing.  I have to say that hockey players are a whole different breed of man & hockey fans are in a class all by themselves.  It is just amazing!! 

I think this quote from an Oilers fan says it best, in my honest opinion.......

"Nobody holds a candle to hockey players when it comes to class and toughness. In what other sport can you get slashed with a blade, clubbed with a stick, beaten to a pulp by a goon, run into walls, thrown down on hard ice -- all the while freezing your behind off -- and shrug it off to come back every two days and do it all over again?"

Anyway, in honor of Zed, I made this collage thing.

 

I have started playing around with Photoshop alot more.  I still have alot to learn with it but here are a few things I have made.  After the collage, I made Cheyenne a sig.

And then I made this Go Cats thing.

And an avatar, but I am not using it because Cheyenne doesn't think it is good enough I guess :P .

And my favorite thing I made, my new sig for the Panthers message board.  I was so freakin' excited about this :P .

Oh & I also made Quinn's banner.

The next thing I am going to work on is a sig of the kids for GBM. 

Okay enough of that.

I had some more to talk about but crap, it is nearly 4am.  I'll get back to this tomorrow.

Oh, the Panthers won tonight, 4 to 2 against the Capitals!!  We needed that!! 

Nite my friends!! 

Bummed......

I am actually really bummed about last nights 1 pound loss. I realize that it is my fault, I have slowly started eating crappy or I guess I should say crappier this week. I blame my period but seriously, that is not a good excuse. When I say crappy, I mean like a cup of coffee & a 100 calorie pack of cookies in the afternoon & then after dinner a 40 calorie fudgesicle & a 100 calorie pack of cookies. No fruit, no salads all week, mainly because we can't really afford it. So, I am slowly creeping back into a bad cycle with food. And no exercise at all :( . I was walking to get Zach but then Kid has been home so he has been getting up to take the kids to school & he was walking to get Zach. Therefore letting me sleep in, until like 11am. And then I do nothing at all but sit on my ass.

So, I turned it around, starting today. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, a Lean Cuisine pizza for lunch with a diet coke, then a 90 calorie pack of yummy rice cake things, then oh, I was bad, a 90 calorie cereal bar. Then dinner, I made ham, egg & cheese sandwiches, I used Pam to cook the egg & fake butter spray on the bread, with a 100 calorie pack of crackers & half a vitamin water. Carrots & light ranch dressing & yogurt raisins. Lots of water, that I have not failed with, lots & lots of water.

But the biggest accomplishment of the day, Kid asked me if I wanted him to go get Briana & I said no. I walked to get Briana. Which is a bit further than Zach's school. And I walked fast, like really worked my legs & was even a little out of breath. I am proud of that.

And I am going to partly blame my period for last night because I feel so bloated today. Next week will be better.

I was also bummed because Kid heard from the lawyer that they cut him a check this morning for his car & they are sending it overnight. It is not alot of money, like $3000. But $1500 to $2000 goes to a new car & at the very least $750 to the landlord. But I asked, since we have a little money in the bank, only $300, but I asked if maybe we could go out to dinner for my birthday. He of course yelled at me. And he is right, just because we get a small amount of money, doesn't mean we can run right out & spend like it's all okay. He is not working, we don't know when the next money is coming in. But then there is that 'fuck it all' part of me that doesn't want to look at the big picture.

And then there is that tiny little bit of me that is actually hoping the lawyer does sue & get money out of all this for Kid. It feels like it is our turn. But yet not, it's never anyones turn. I guess I just have that tiny little hope that we can actually live in peace for a short period of time. Like everyone hopes & wishes for. I guess it is also a little bit of seeing people walk away from stuff like this with some money in their pocket & hoping that maybe we can be one of those people. Though the reality is, it won't happen because we are not that lucky. Blah, I don't know.

Anyway, after his initial blow up, he came & asked me where I wanted to go eat. And I told him that since Shari & Emily were not going to Daytona this weekend we would be going out with her. And that we would split the cost, therefore relieving some pressure off him. However, I did sense a little disappointment & a little later I asked him if he wanted to go out with us. And he said no, he knew they would be here & he didn't want to go with them. He didn't care. Then I told him that besides, I really want chinese & he hates chinese, LOL. So, he got over it & he is letting us go. No problems. No worries. And then later on he said if he has some money then we would go out for Valentine's Day, though I am not holding my breath for that :P .

Well, hell, it is very late, I want to work on my playlists, I want to get them done, LOL. I am nearly there. And I guess I have blabbed enough.

Night my friends!!!!

Once upon a time, long long ago.....

I was a girl. I had the whole world in front of me. I could do anything. I could be anything. I could go anywhere. And here I am. Did I choose this life or did this life choose me? I am not unhappy. I love my children with all my heart, they mean the world to me. They are my sunshine on a cloudy day, I know a cheesy cliche but it's true. Most days I love my husband. He can be good to me. He was an ass earlier tonight but he apologized. I know he is stressed........

Most days I am happy.

I guess it is easy to wonder what might have been when I really haven't accomplished anything in my life. I am coming up on my 32nd birthday & in my heart I still feel like a teen. I guess I even still act like a teen at times..........

Should I act so 'young at heart' when I am raising kids myself, one of which is quickly approaching her teens?? I don't know. But I worry quite a lot if I am doing a good job. If they will be smarter than me, make better choices than me? What kind of adults will they be? What kind of parents will they be? What are they going to accomplish in their lives? I think I have written these questions before, wouldn't be surprising, since I wonder about this quite often.

Anyway, tonight is weigh in night. I am nervous. I wonder if I should just go & get it done with now. Usually I do it at 1 or 2 am, after a shower, naked. But I probably won't be showering tonight. If I have gained weight, I will be disappointed. I feel like I have gained. Especially since I have sat on my ass in front of this computer all frigging day. Using the excuse 'I don't feel good'. Lame lame lame.

Oh screw it, its bugging me, I need to go weigh :P .

I lost 1 pound, just one pound. I guess now I can use the excuse of my period :P . But you know I am going to go take a shower & weigh at 2am now :P .

So, while IMing with Quinn last night, she posted some stuff to me. She posted some stuff about ADD in women.

Some of that stuff could be me. Could I be ADD?? Can I blame my messy house & unorganized self on that?? I just call it lazy.

Well, I am actually, amazingly, running out of stuff to write about. I am still working on playlists for my MP3 player. Can you believe I have had this since Monday & the only thing I have downloaded on it is Justin Timberlake's album???

Bye for now, you know I will be back at 2am to post whether I have lost any more weight :P .

Good conversation!!

My brother called today. The last time he called he sounded horrible. He sounded completely out of it. I worry about him all the time. So, I was a bit surprised to see his name on the caller id around 12:30pm. But we talked for about an hour. He sounded so good. Everything is going pretty good for him & I am so happy!!! He is buying a car, working, on his meds. Basically doing the right thing. And he even said he really needs the meds to feel good. He has finally seen the light. I just wish we could live closer together. He is the only one I have left. And it was so hard to sit by & see him so sick for so long & not be able to do anything about it.

I have not done anything today, well, besides some dishes. I have been pretty steady working on them. But I am still sitting here in my pjs & probably will stay in my pjs until I take a shower & put a clean pair of pjs on.

I'm kind of bummed. My birthday is Sat. We almost always go out to eat. But this year we have no money at all for it & that is depressing. I know, what right do I have to be bitching, I got a new computer & an MP3 player, and believe me, I do consider those birthday gifts. It's just always nice to not have to cook on my birthday. And it's nice to go out together as a family. Kid never goes out with us, NEVER. So, most likely, my birthday will come & go, like every other day. No dinner, me cooking, not even a little slice of yummy sweetness. Just another day........

It did occur to me to get drunk but I don't even have anything worth drinking.......

Blah, better get back to the dishes & downloading music. I am dying to download my playlists to my player, LOL.

Oh hell yeah!!!

The Panthers kicked ass tonight, I mean kicked it!!!!!! We played the Toronto Maple Leafs in Toronto. Our goalie, Vokoun, shutout the Leafs in an 8 to 0 victory, ON THEIR HOME ICE!!!! And my man, Zednik, got a hat trick (3 goals in one game)!!!! It was exciting to watch!!!! Just an awesome game!!!! In honor of his hat trick, I'll post a few pics :P .




Okay, in other news, I am getting sick, blahhh!!! Some kind of chest thing, it hurts to talk. And everything I do makes me feel drained. Plus I started my period today, double blah. So, in spite of feeling like crud, I did do some dishes, all the cups, there was a whole friggin lot of them. And I took the recyclables, there was a whole friggin lot of that too. But Kid was still on my ass *sigh* . Well, I guess I did spend alot of time on here this afternoon *blush* . I've been downloading music in Napster & making playlists. Of course, me being the "all or nothing" kind of girl I am :P , I want to get absolutely every song in a playlist before I download it to my player :P . So, I just keep clicking, listening, saving..... clicking, listening, saving & on & on........ One of these days I'll get it done.

So far I have 8 playlists:

Ahh, the greats: Sabbath, Zepplin, Floyd...
Which obviously has Sabbath, Zepplin, Floyd :P .

Easy Does It
Which so far has Jack Johnson, John Mayer, Norah Jones

From Back In The Day
Which has the hair bands of the 80's that I loved so much, Motley Crue, GN'R, Def Leppard, etc.

Good Ol' Rock N' Roll
Which will probably be the biggest, LOL. It has so much; Heart; Frampton; Crosby, Still, Nash & Young; BTO; Canned Heat; Foghat; Skynard; and on & on & on & on. Way too much to list, LOL.

Got It From Mom
Which has the music I grew up listening too with my mom, the most memorable ones. Fleetwood Mac, the Eagles, Jethro Tull, CCR, Van Morrison. These could go with oldies, but these groups hold a very special place in my heart & always make me think of my mom.

Heard It On The Radio
Which is just a lot of the music they play on the radio that I like. Rhianna, Black Eyed Peas, Timbaland, Maroon 5, and the list grows, LOL.

Somedays I Like It Hard
Has the hard rock I like, Seether, Trapt, Three Days Grace, Sixx: AM, The Offspring

And last but not least, LOL, The Drunken Days
Which has music I listened to when I was drinking like every night before I came here, which has NIN, the Stereo MC's, The Stone Roses, Alice In Chains, Janes Addiction, The Cranberries, LOL.

I have not even come close to telling you the amount of music I have saved. Granted, alot of bands I've only picked one or 2 songs from, LOL. But still, alot of music!!! But I am beyond excited.

It's official, I am renaming my blog to 'All or Nothing Anjie' :P !! That is me!! Off to click, listen, save & hopefully download to my MP3 player soon too, LOL.

I've got pictures!!

Finally :P !!

So, we had a great time, as usual, at the game Wed. night. They lost but it was still fun. I think I need to switch spots on the ice during warm ups. I was disappointed this time with my pics. But here are a few of the better ones.

Their hockey sticks all lined up in a rack. They are in order by number, with the goalie sticks first.



The blue & silver stick is my mans hockey stick :P !!



Here's a pic I got of Vokoun before they came out of the locker room. Turned out to be a pretty good pic!!



Here's some pics of them coming out of the locker room. They look kind of funny because I was just snapping pics, LOL.











Here are a few from warm ups.



















Here is a few from the game. We were up in the 300's so it was a little difficult to get some good pics. Oh, we played the Buffalo Sabres by the way.



This is Buffalo's goalie, Ryan Miller. He is in a commercial I love, LOL.



Here's the commercial, he is the one that wins, LOL!!



Okay, back to pics, LOL. Only 3 more, I think, LOL.



This is a pic of the jumbotron is because my man, Zednik #20 was in the penalty box, LOL.



Okay, that is it for the hockey pics.

We actually went to the beach last night after dinner. I remembered to take my camera this time. There is a park down there & the kids wanted to swing. Cheyenne & Briana were so funny on this swing :P .







And of course one of Zach.



This is one bizarre sea creature, the jellyfish. There were about 6 that we could see washed up on shore. I have no idea why they had washed up. But the pictures were pretty cool, LOL.







I do believe I am done with pictures. Hope I haven't bored you too much.

I'm so excited, tomorrow my MP3 player should be here. I checked the Dell site & the order was finally showing up. The tracking number showed that it had arrived in Ft. Lauderdale on Sat. I downloaded a free trial of Napster tonight. So, I have spent all evening on this blog with the pics & listening to different songs on Napster. I do believe I should call it a night. Have to get some stuff done tomorrow!!! Nite!!!

Well, it's about damn time!!

I got my computer finally set up! It came on Wed. but it came so late that I didn't have time to mess with it before the game. Plus I had to clean off the desk, clean the Florida room & on & on & on. So, I spent Thurs. morning cleaning the Florida room & Thurs afternoon cleaning off my desk. And then last night, I moved the desk & set up the computer. I was already to plug in the mouse & be ready to go when I discovered there was no hook up for it in the back of the computer. There is like 8 USB ports, a few that I have never seen before & then the ones for the speakers & stuff. But only one circle with the metal prongs & the straight prong on my mouse is vertical, the prong on this computer is horizontal. No connection there. Why the hell did this $1500 computer come with no mouse connector?? I debated on whether or not I wanted to run to Walmart at 11, well, it would have been a little later only because Kid was still up & he obviously wouldn't understand the need I had :P . So I let it go & walked away. I was in bed by 1:30am.

But before I went to bed, I took a shower & weighed myself. I lost 3 MORE POUNDS!!!!!! So now I am at 262, from 283, that makes 21 POUNDS LOST!!!! I am so excited, can you tell :P ?? I have walked the last 3 days to get Zach from school. And all my cleaning in the last day or 2 has really helped too.

First thing this morning I went to the bank, went to the post office, hit the library to drop off 2 books & then ran to Walmart. That freakin' adapter for the mouse was $16!!! I was pissed. That is something I should not have had to pay for. But it was necessary :( . You know I was in a big ass hurry to get home :P . I could not wait to play with my new toy!!! I spent all morning setting it up, downloading stuff like my printer, webcam, keyboard & mouse. It freakin' rocks!!!!!! Vista is not as bad as I was expecting it to be. There are features that I love on it too.

Check out this bad boy tower, it is HUGE, LOL!!!



Here is my desk all set up. I know, not a very good picture, I couldn't get far enough away to take the whole thing :P .




I still have alot to do, like organizing & cleaning off the bookshelf & putting all my crap away. But this was a big start. It feels even more new because of the move from the living room back to the Florida room too.

I better go, I need to be cleaning & not sitting here when Kid gets home or he will be really pissed at me. He was a total ass last night & I really don't need a repeat tonight. However, I will be back, I have alot of hockey pics to post.

Bye for now :D !!