Day 29: Lessons...

In this past month, what have you learned?

I have learned that I am way too old to party like a rock star.

I have also learned that taking the easy way is never really that easy.

I learned that I am really not that special, noone is. We're all just warm bodies breathing the same air, doing the same things, living to the best of our ability.

And I've learned that acceptance is the only way to true inner peace, but yes I struggle with it all the time. I don't want to accept some things damnit. I want it to be my way... but it's not ever going to be my way.

Day 28: Then & now...

A picture from you last year, and now. What has changed since then?

I'm too lazy to find a picture. Basically I am 10 pounds heavier & much more haggard. I don't sleep enough, I drink more, eat worse. Most of the time I don't know how to act & I say & do really stupid shit. I am immature & irresponsible.

The biggest change has been the separation from my husband. I spent 17 years with him. I feel like a ship lost at sea most days. While I don't want to be with him, he was an anchor. Yea, he bitched if the dishes weren't done so I did them. Now, he is not here to bitch, he is not here to keep me in line. And man, I am having a really hard time.

How is it even possible to despise someone so much but yet feel so lost without them? I do not want him here in any way, shape or form, but damnit, this is fucking hard. Why did this have to happen? Why does anything have to happen?

Day 26: Friends... again.

What do you think about your friends?

I think this one is kinda pointless. One must think highly of a person to call them a friend, otherwise what's the point. I love my friends, every single one of them!!

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

“It is by chance that we met, by choice that we became friends.”

“True friendship is seen through the heart, not through the eyes.”

Day 25: Necessities...

What I would find in your bag.




My journal & pen, my iPod, my wallet, my Walmart badge, Breathsavers, vanilla spray, brush, lotion, & other random crap. My phone is almost always in my pocket. I carry a clear bag for work & a purse on my days off, depending on my mood. Sometimes I just throw my wallet & phone in my pocket.

Day 24: Dear....

A letter to your parents.

This was hard. I've avoided it.

Dear Mom,

I miss you. I miss you more than I ever thought I could miss you. It doesn't get easier, it gets harder, with each day, it gets harder. I have so many questions for you. I have so much I want to talk to you about. I want see you holding your grandchildren. I want to go shopping with you. I want to have coffee with you. I want to laugh with you. I want to cry with you.

You should be here with me.




Dear Dad,

It should have been you, not her... If I never see you again, it will be to soon.

Day 23: Crave or desire??

Something you crave for a lot.

Aren't cravings & desires pretty close in similarity? You crave sex or you desire sex? Or both? What exactly is a craving?

I crave chocolate on occasion, at least once a month. I crave affection all the time. I don't desire chocolate but I do desire affection.

I crave for a person. I crave that touch from them. I don't even crave actual sex anymore, I manage that just fine on my own. I crave hands & lips... affection.

I crave music. After a long day at work, I cannot wait to get in my van & put on my iPod. All day I crave it.

I crave coffee & Rockstar.

I crave pizza.

Crave is an odd word when said alot.

Handicap lesbian??

Okay, I need to write this down because it actually made me feel guilty. I turned off both of my alarms this morning & fell right back to sleep. And had the weirdest dream.....

I dreamed that I was working at a business somewhere, don't think it was Walmart though. There was this girl, in her 20's maybe, very plain, long straight hair, plain face, no makeup, nothing to her really, even her clothes were so non-descript that I don't even remember what they looked like. She watched me all the time. What made her handicapped was that she had to walk with crutch type things & could barely even stand up with them. I can't remember if she worked there or just came there alot.

One day I helped her with something, I had to get real close to her, she threw herself at me & she tried to hump me. I was caught off guard, lost my balance & we both fell down. I was totally embarrassed about falling with her, I helped her up & helped her into this office with a glass door & glass windows, where she sat on the couch.

She sat there all the time, just watching me, it creeped me out. I avoided her as much as I could. When I would go near the windows, she would just stare at me, I would wave & smile, all she would do was stare.

I started to try to avoid that window as much as I could & went a different way. But this new way took me in the path of this huge biker guy with an eye patch, for some reason he made me nervous so I tried to avoid making any eye contact with his one good eye.

And then I woke up, running late for work, ugh & feeling really bad about this dream.

Day 22: Different? Not really.

What makes you different from everyone else.

There is only one thing that I can think of that might possibly make me different from everyone else. And that is the fact that I will say almost anything at anytime. I have no shame, I say it like I see it, I say what's on my mind. Other than that, I don't see how I am different than anyone else.

Day 21: Love in Pictures

A picture of something that makes you happy.

I could fill this full of pictures of my kids, obviously. Or pictures of my friends. But I'll go with things other than people. There are so many things that make me happy, here are the 4 main ones, not really in any order.




This picture explains it all, the reason I love hockey!! The excitement, the aggression, the intensity, the skill, the speed, so many reasons!! My teams are Florida Panthers in the east in the NHL, Chicago Blackhawks in the west in the NHL & the Bloomington Prairie Thunder, our local minor league team. Just knowing that Bloomington had a hockey team made the move home even better.



When I walk into a bead store my eyes light up just like a kid in a candy store. I don't even know where to begin, all the different colors. All the different styles, shapes, sizes. I can spend hours in there just touching the beads & looking at the colors. I would love to have a bead store, playing with beads all day long would just be heavenly!!





There is only one place that I can feel totally & completely at peace, like nothing can touch me, no worries in the world, everything is right & good, that's at the campground. No this is not my picture & I have never camped in a place like this but one day I will.




Music is a part of my soul. From as far back as I could remember music was always there. My mom loved music. I remember there was a time she didn't have a TV in her room, just a stereo. When she wasn't home & I was in a bad place in my head, I would go into her room & lay on her floor listening to her music. It kind of made me feel like in her small way she was helping me. A day without music would be a day without air for me.

Day 20: Marriage??? NOT likely.

Someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future.

This one is tricky.

I do not in any way see me with anyone or even see marriage in my future. I even go back & forth between not knowing whether I want this or not. I feel so confused most days. I wanna be held & touched but when the opportunity arises I kinda freak out a little & back off, way off. Mainly because in those moments, the one doing the offering, didn't want anything more from me. I need friendship first, intimacy second. But I also don't need the kinda friendship that is started because of the desire for more.

The thing is, most of the men I come in contact with make me feel like all they want from me is to get in my pants.

I have fooled around with 3 men since I've been home. One was just one night of fooling around, a very good old friend. One was a whirlwind of a friendship, started quick & ended even quicker. It was lovely, I don't regret it but I do miss his friendship. And one was a very old rekindled friendship, that became a little more intimate than expected, I became more attached than I should & then I unintentionally killed it. I'm sure it was for the best but I miss it. We don't really know why things happen the way they do, and sometimes it's out of our hands.

It's really hard to get close to someone that you feel like only wants one thing from you. And I think I'm scared, I think I'm scared of feeling the same way again & then losing it. It's not even about a relationship, it's about a close trusting friendship. That's all I want right now, mainly because of my kids. But at the same time, I need to feel special, I need to feel wanted & needed.

There's such a fine line & I don't walk it so well, I guess.

I am not so good at relationships, I was horrible at marriage & I'm a basket case because of all this. I don't want a man to come in & take care of me, but I want him to be there when I need him. I know that's probably selfish of me but I don't know how else to be right now.

Day 19: What's in a name?

Nicknames you have and why you have them.

The only real nickname I have is "Anjie". Yes, I have grown up being called Anjie & everyone knows me by Anjie so it doesn't seem like much of a nickname. But shortened versions of names are nicknames.

My real name is Anjare. I hate it, I have hated it my whole life. I have even toyed with the idea of having my name permanently changed to Anjie. The one thing stopping me, I don't know how much this name meant to my mom :( . I couldn't take something away from her even though she is not here, would it matter? Yes, yes it would matter... to me.

I have somehow given myself the nickname of Sunshine & I kinda like being called Sunshine, maybe I should change my name to Anjie Sunshine? I could lose the Turcotte then too :P . And then maybe I should go look for that commune that I know a buncha hippies are still living at.

Off to finish.... start... continue with this glorious cleaning :P !!

Day 18: And what exactly do I have in mind?

Plans/dreams/goals you have.

The plan is to get my apartment cleaned very well & organized. I guess that is the goal too.

But the dream is so much better!!

I feel like a squatter. I don't feel like I am at home anywhere any more. I know these streets very well. And this is home in the fact that a very important part of my life was spent here. But I just feel like I am existing because I have to.

I have a wandering gypsy soul. The dream would be to have a very very small RV, like the size of a big van. It would be just me after all. I would drive all over the country to craft fairs & Ren Fests, that would be the best actually, selling enough jewelry & stuff to put gas in my RV & eat. No bills, no ties to anything or anyone. Except for my kids.

Maybe one day I would find a place to call home, a place where my heart feels at home.

I sometimes wonder if a person can be that place, like when you are with someone you feel totally at home no matter where you are. Could that be possible? Could I possibly never find a home because I am one of those people? Could I have a soul mate out there somewhere, that my heart belongs with?

I'm feeling kinda down & lonely. It was a long week & a crazy weekend that I don't regret but am not to proud of.

It's hard to explain this lonely feeling. It's not a feeling of wanting someone here with me now, it's more a feeling of wanting to know they are on the other end.... the other side. Know what I mean?

Anyway, I was cleaning, better get back to it. This turned into quite the mess :/ .