So..... I don't even know what to say.

Depressed.

Annoyed.

Impatient.

Disgusted.

I literally laid in bed all day. I was on the computer for a few minutes this morning while I ate my bowl of cereal. Then I laid in bed watching TV. I forced myself to get up & go take a walk. I had bad bad cramps, I was tired, depressed. Sore, yes, I got a sunburn from my long walk during the hottest part of the day yesterday. And I just didn't want to do it. I walked up there. I walked the 1 mile track once. Then I walked it again doing the fit stations this time. Then I started to walk it a third time for my 3 miles. Made it to the 1/4 mile marker. My shoulders were killing me (from the sunburn), I was hot, I was hungry, I was crabby, so I said fuck it & walked home. I was a little disappointed that I didn't make it the third mile. But then I thought, I got out of bed & went, that is an accomplishment. So screw it.

I came home & spent part of the afternoon in bed. After my shower & lunch. I had to make myself go to the store because we had nothing for dinner, with a stop at Blockbuster first. Then I came home & laid back in bed for awhile. Until Cheyenne woke me up from a little nap, asking me to fix dinner. How lame is that? Then spent the rest of the evening in bed. Uggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Kid was gone all evening helping his friend. But when he came home, all he had to do was open his mouth to set me off. I have been short & nasty with him for the last hour. And I am sure I am not done yet. I think it is better for him to pass out fast tonight!!

I am so disgusted with this apartment. I look around & I don't even know where to begin. I want to just open up a big black garbage bag & sweep everything into it & be done. We have so much stuff, so much clutter. It is just so unbelievably overwhelming. I actually watched a bunch of episodes of Clean House tonight. I guess I feel a certain kinship with these people with all this shit. And I guess it makes me feel like, well, a little less embarrassed knowing I am not alone. And I do think it inspires me to just let go. Just let the shit go & get it OUT!!! But the next step is, where to begin?

I am also feeling really really bummed that summer is coming on fast. No more camping & I miss it so much. Camping grounds me. It gives me a certain peace. And I am missing it more than I thought I could or would.

Another thing that has me down is that I want to move so bad. I feel like we are growing out of this apartment. I am tired of not having the space for stuff. I am tired of Zach sleeping on the girls floor, on his old crib mattress.

God, he won't shut up. Like I care about all his friends & what they are doing or talking about!!!! Just GO AWAY PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

Anyway......

I sit on the floor every night to read to Zach & wait for him to fall asleep. If he had his own room & his own big boy bed then I could lay down with him & read to him. He was supposed to sleep back here but he is scared back here, with all the windows. If he had a normal room I think he would be fine.

I would even be fine with moving to Canada at this point if it meant having a bigger place, with 3 bedrooms. I wouldn't even care if it was still an apartment, just a little bigger.

Well, Kid is out of the shower. I need to start a load of dishes & I wanted to watch a movie. So, I'm going to call it a night.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I am either going to get up & walk in the morning, or I am going to walk after dinner. Walking in the middle of the heat of the day is killing me, it sucks the air out of me. So that is the plan for tomorrow.

Nite all!!!