OMG, I can’t believe I nearly forgot.

Today was my Mom's birthday. She would have been 53. That seems so young. It has been almost 5 years since she died. I do think that the thought of this lingering in the back of my mind has affected my mood today a bit too.

But the real reason i am posting again is about Jesse. His birthday was on Monday, March 31st. Kid asked me if I was going to call him to wish him a happy birthday & I said no, I was scared. I don't know what he was thinking about that. But I was scared because the last time Jesse & I talked, we had a great conversation. We talked for over an hour & it was not forced at all. It was easy & we laughed. And I was scared of how he would sound when I called. I was scared that it wouldn't be the same way. I like to hold that conversation close to me because it felt good, it put my heart & mind at ease. I worry about him all the time.

So, I get a call today. I was eating lunch. And this lady leaves a message on my machine, she said Jesse checked out of treatment today & since I was the contact person he listed she was calling to let me know.

I called her right back. It was a drug & alcohol treatment place. He checked in on his birthday & checked out today. He was there barely 2 days. He told her that he thought he could continue with recovery on his own. I feel so guilty. I feel like maybe if I had called him or sent him a birthday card, anything at all, maybe things would have been different for him. God, why does he have to be so sick? And so alone? Why am I so scared? Why can I not just let things go & love him without being scared? Just call him without worrying about the repercussions?

He is all I have left in the world. And I will lose him too.