I'm scared....

I don't want to go to Nova's dental school on Friday. I am scared of what they are going to say. I feel like my teeth are hideous & I am scared they are going to be shocked by them. Or that it is going to be outrageously expensive & that will depress me. I don't know, I am just scared.

My teeth are seriously putting a damper on my life. I am on the Panthers message board. These people on there are awesome!!! They are all nice & fun, a bunch of them have kids. They are Panthers FANATICS, just like us. They have huge tailgate parties, watch parties for away games. They are even planning a big picnic in May. They are all getting together to play ice hockey this weekend. And they always have enough tickets that they help people get in the games for free. These are all things that my kids would love. And these are people that I would love to hang out with. But I am so utterly embarrassed by my teeth that I won't even try to become involved. And that depresses me.

Anyway........

I walked today. I walked 3 miles, well, a little over if you count the walk up there & back. I did the fit stations & I did the intermediate level, so instead of 5 sit ups, I did 10, etc. And I tried to push myself on the last mile to walk faster, I walked it in 19 minutes. I need to change some of my music. I need some fast upbeat music for my walks. What I thought I could do is change the genre on the songs I want for walking, to say walking, LOL. On my MP3 player I can listen to music by genre so that I think will be the easiest way. Also, then I won't have to bust up all my playlists.

I want to push myself further. But today I ran out of time. I waited too long to get out of the house.

I am feeling a little relieved. We gave the landlord a check for $2250. That should keep us on good terms for awhile. And maybe I can call him now & tell him the oven is broke. But first I need to completely finish cleaning the kitchen. Maybe I will work on that for a bit tonight.

Well, I need a shower yet. I need to work on a grocery list. And I want to work on the kitchen so I guess I'll call it a night.

Nite all.

Can't take it anymore....

The girls closet is infested with palmetto bugs/water bugs/whatever you want to call them (but I AM NOT calling them cockroaches). I think it is because the a/c is in there so there is gaps or something, an easy way for them to get in. But it is stressing me out so bad!!!! I am very very close to bombing this apartment even though I am so against all the chemicals. But I just can't take it!!

We have been in a cleaning frenzy the last 2 days & I am not done. I want to get it all clean. I sorted through 6 bins of toys, plus some other various containers of toys. I got together 2 big black garbage bags of toys to go out plus 2 bags of garbage. I put all his books on the shelf, sorted all the cars, toy tools, little animals, blocks, legos, lincoln logs, etc etc etc, into the right spots. I am trying to get it to a point where it is easy to keep cleaned up. I have also been working on dishes off & on. I even got my dining room table completely cleaned off & I even folded a load of laundry the other night on my nice clean table!!!

Cheyenne cleaned too, without me even asking her. And the other 2 ran outside to play, without helping. I was so mad. Today I treated Cheyenne to lunch & then we went to the movies. We saw Horton Hears A Who. It was pretty cute. I am not into kids movies at all so this was a last minute decision. I wouldn't say it was worth the cost of admission :P however the time with Cheyenne was worth it. We had a good time. However, I sat through the whole movie thinking about how much Briana & Zach would have enjoyed it. So, that took a little of the fun out of it. And Briana was pissed when she found out. But I just told her how mad I was at her for not helping clean.

I really need to try to spend time alone with each one of my kids once a week. Preferably more but I'll take what I can get. I really think they benefit from that. Even Zach who usually shrugs me off for daddy or hockey or whatever else may catch his attention. After his last appointment he asked me if we could go to the library after & I said we will see. But I really just wanted to go home. So I told him we would go to the library another time & he said "Just you & me, alone?". I said we'll see. I think he was remembering the time we went to the library & Walgreens after & we were alone together for awhile. He actually gets some alone time with me during the week because he gets out of school before the other 2. Cheyenne gets some alone time with me because she stays inside alot. Poor Briana only gets a few moments alone with me when I walk to get her after school. I just don't think that is enough I guess. Ahh well, something else I need to work on I suppose.

I better call it a night. It's getting near 5 & I really want to get some more cleaning done tomorrow. Shari & Emily are supposed to come over. I read on the Panthers message board that supposedly we have free Center Ice this weekend. I guess because of a free preview for MLB, whatever they call it for the baseball channels. We were supposed to go to Shari's to watch the game on her Center Ice but if we have it, we will be staying home. We listened to the game on the radio tonight. Thankfully the announcers on the radio are hilarious so they make listening on the radio fun. Our goalie made a great save & Randy Moller yelled out "Call the cops!! He was robbed of that goal!!"!!! Or about one of the many penalties called on us, he yelled "That's horse feathers!!" . And they both said "They are diving all over the ice!" about the Carolina Hurricanes, which we call them DiverCanes. Okay, enough hockey talk, I know no one cares about that. Just think after tomorrow night, the Panthers will be golfing so it will be time to change my layout & start watching movies again, woohoo!!

Night all!!

OMG, I can’t believe I nearly forgot.

Today was my Mom's birthday. She would have been 53. That seems so young. It has been almost 5 years since she died. I do think that the thought of this lingering in the back of my mind has affected my mood today a bit too.

But the real reason i am posting again is about Jesse. His birthday was on Monday, March 31st. Kid asked me if I was going to call him to wish him a happy birthday & I said no, I was scared. I don't know what he was thinking about that. But I was scared because the last time Jesse & I talked, we had a great conversation. We talked for over an hour & it was not forced at all. It was easy & we laughed. And I was scared of how he would sound when I called. I was scared that it wouldn't be the same way. I like to hold that conversation close to me because it felt good, it put my heart & mind at ease. I worry about him all the time.

So, I get a call today. I was eating lunch. And this lady leaves a message on my machine, she said Jesse checked out of treatment today & since I was the contact person he listed she was calling to let me know.

I called her right back. It was a drug & alcohol treatment place. He checked in on his birthday & checked out today. He was there barely 2 days. He told her that he thought he could continue with recovery on his own. I feel so guilty. I feel like maybe if I had called him or sent him a birthday card, anything at all, maybe things would have been different for him. God, why does he have to be so sick? And so alone? Why am I so scared? Why can I not just let things go & love him without being scared? Just call him without worrying about the repercussions?

He is all I have left in the world. And I will lose him too.

So..... I don't even know what to say.

Depressed.

Annoyed.

Impatient.

Disgusted.

I literally laid in bed all day. I was on the computer for a few minutes this morning while I ate my bowl of cereal. Then I laid in bed watching TV. I forced myself to get up & go take a walk. I had bad bad cramps, I was tired, depressed. Sore, yes, I got a sunburn from my long walk during the hottest part of the day yesterday. And I just didn't want to do it. I walked up there. I walked the 1 mile track once. Then I walked it again doing the fit stations this time. Then I started to walk it a third time for my 3 miles. Made it to the 1/4 mile marker. My shoulders were killing me (from the sunburn), I was hot, I was hungry, I was crabby, so I said fuck it & walked home. I was a little disappointed that I didn't make it the third mile. But then I thought, I got out of bed & went, that is an accomplishment. So screw it.

I came home & spent part of the afternoon in bed. After my shower & lunch. I had to make myself go to the store because we had nothing for dinner, with a stop at Blockbuster first. Then I came home & laid back in bed for awhile. Until Cheyenne woke me up from a little nap, asking me to fix dinner. How lame is that? Then spent the rest of the evening in bed. Uggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Kid was gone all evening helping his friend. But when he came home, all he had to do was open his mouth to set me off. I have been short & nasty with him for the last hour. And I am sure I am not done yet. I think it is better for him to pass out fast tonight!!

I am so disgusted with this apartment. I look around & I don't even know where to begin. I want to just open up a big black garbage bag & sweep everything into it & be done. We have so much stuff, so much clutter. It is just so unbelievably overwhelming. I actually watched a bunch of episodes of Clean House tonight. I guess I feel a certain kinship with these people with all this shit. And I guess it makes me feel like, well, a little less embarrassed knowing I am not alone. And I do think it inspires me to just let go. Just let the shit go & get it OUT!!! But the next step is, where to begin?

I am also feeling really really bummed that summer is coming on fast. No more camping & I miss it so much. Camping grounds me. It gives me a certain peace. And I am missing it more than I thought I could or would.

Another thing that has me down is that I want to move so bad. I feel like we are growing out of this apartment. I am tired of not having the space for stuff. I am tired of Zach sleeping on the girls floor, on his old crib mattress.

God, he won't shut up. Like I care about all his friends & what they are doing or talking about!!!! Just GO AWAY PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

Anyway......

I sit on the floor every night to read to Zach & wait for him to fall asleep. If he had his own room & his own big boy bed then I could lay down with him & read to him. He was supposed to sleep back here but he is scared back here, with all the windows. If he had a normal room I think he would be fine.

I would even be fine with moving to Canada at this point if it meant having a bigger place, with 3 bedrooms. I wouldn't even care if it was still an apartment, just a little bigger.

Well, Kid is out of the shower. I need to start a load of dishes & I wanted to watch a movie. So, I'm going to call it a night.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I am either going to get up & walk in the morning, or I am going to walk after dinner. Walking in the middle of the heat of the day is killing me, it sucks the air out of me. So that is the plan for tomorrow.

Nite all!!!

Job update.

So, I left here a little after 12 for my walk. I stopped in at the laundromat up around the corner from my house & asked the woman there if they were looking for help. She said not that she knew of & I heard her say as I was leaving "unless they are looking to replace me". I called Kid & he told me I was at the wrong one, doh! He told me the one down on 4th street. So I move on down the road.

I have to say, before walking down there would have seemed so far & I wouldn't have ever done it. I was only a few blocks from Blockbuster & I thought to myself, next time I go to Blockbuster, I am walking. Then I almost walked to the library too, which wasn't far from where I was either. I was not tired or winded. And all that in itself was an accomplishment. I did not go to the library because I did not have my wallet with my card. Plus I still wanted to go to the park to walk & didn't want to be stuck carrying a book.

I had actually been psyching myself up for a job. And I had even convinced myself that getting an evening job wouldn't be too bad. I could work 5 to 10. Still be able to fix dinner for everyone. But I just thought of something, I would never see Cheyenne. She doesn't get home until 4:30 :( . I can't do that. Never mind, scratch that *sigh* .

So, I went in to the 4th Street laundromat. It is dirty, it is an all night laundromat. Half the machines were broken. And there were homeless people all over. Believe me, I do not have a problem with homeless people, I could be one someday. But I am always being asked for money, ALWAYS. I don't have it to spare right now. Anyway, I couldn't find the girl anywhere. I asked 3 different people. I stood there for a few minutes. Then the phone started to ring & she came out of the bathroom. She was not friendly at all. I asked her if they were looking for help & she also told me "Not that I know of". I have not given up, I am going to ask my neighbor what lady & if she could get me her phone number or the best time to go in. But I refuse to work nights at that laundromat.

So, on my merry way I went. I jumped on the trail a bit before the 3/4 mile mark. So I walked it 3 complete circles, from the start to finish marker. Plus that little bit extra. So, I believe I walked 4 miles today. Plus I did the fit stations through my second mile. I am feeling quite good. My feet hurt but not quite as bad. I want to get one of those gel inserts, I think that will help alot.

I think you are right Shari, I put way too much thought into & read too much online, confused myself & then got desperate & got something that I thought would be fine. Sneaker shopping sucks.

The kids feel better today. They did play outside for a little while. But I put TONS of sunblock on them, they were white. I know they weren't outside for long at all though, so I think all will be well. Cheyenne didn't play outside at all today. Poor girl is hurting!!

I have a confession that I am not quite ready to disclose yet. So, I am off to get this dumpy ass apartment clean & then I may be ready to confess, or maybe not.

Bye all!!

Bad mom, that is I.

Okay, maybe not a bad mom.

The kids, all 4 of them, including Emily, Shari’s daughter, played outside all day long. From like 9:30am until 5 or so. And Cheyenne & Emily are now sporting very very bad sunburns. They all wore bathing suits all day & played in the water. So, they are badly burned pretty much all over. You would think after 14 years in Florida, I would know better. But I guess I was thinking that it is still only March, it isn’t quite that hot yet. *sigh* So, Cheyenne is sleeping on the couch tonight, feeling quite miserable. Briana & Zach have some red patches that will most likely be tan tomorrow. I think they need to stay inside tomorrow, they naturally disagree, but have promised that they will NOT go outside without sunblock. We will see how it goes tomorrow I guess.

I went to Rack Room shoes today & bought myself a pair of Nike’s & a pair of sandals. The 10’s seemed too small so I got the 11 but I am so afraid it is too big. I walked my 3 miles. I was sore & didn’t feel like I could walk as fast for some reason. I am really hoping it is just because I am still breaking these sneakers in. But I made myself do it. However, I am slightly discouraged. I am looking through this book that Shari checked out from the library, Walking For Dummies. According to this book, the walking I am doing is lifestyle walking. And it is really just going to help me maintain a healthy lifestyle, not really help me lose weight. That is very disappointing. So, I guess in order to really start losing the weight, I need to incorporate a work out video a few days in my week. But still continue with the walking. There just aren’t enough hours in the day. *sigh*

The plan for tomorrow, you won’t believe this, is to go to the laundromat up around the corner from my house. Colleen, our neighbor, told Kid the girl that works there asked her if she knew anyone looking for a job. So she asked Kid if I might be interested. So, I am going there tomorrow to ask about the hours. I have to admit, I am very nervous about going to talk to her. It's not really a job interview so much but it feels like it. So, it looks like I might be getting a job, if the hours work out for me. Right now, while Kid is at home, I can work pretty much any hours through the day. But when he goes back to work, I’ll only be able to work from 8 to 12. I have mixed emotions about this, obviously. But for the most part I am kind of hoping I get it. It certainly would be nice to have my own money again. Not that it would be mine until Kid goes back to work. Everything would go back into the house for now. But I guess there is no point really thinking about it right now, I have to go there first & who knows she may be looking for someone at night, which I absolutely refuse to do. So we shall see.

Okay, I was watching We Are Marshall, I better get back to it now so I can get it done & get to bed at a decent time. I want to stop in at the laundromat on my walk tomorrow morning.

Nite all!!

Oh, and just so you know, I will be posting on both blogs but I will be posting the same thing. So if you read it here, don't bother checking over there.