Christmas...

I decided that I wanted a stocking this year so I made new ones for all of us. As I did Briana's name in silver glitter, I remembered the last time I did the kids names on stockings, he got drunk & threw Briana's stocking, smearing her name. The memory snuck up on me & hit me... hard. I don't want these sneaky memories to come out of nowhere. So I tried to battle it with a happy one. I mean, in 17 years together there had to be one, right? One Christmas that wasn't clouded by fights & his drunken anger?... No, not one Christmas that was truly peaceful. I can't even say that last Christmas was a happy peaceful Christmas.

Christmas is supposed to be full of love, happiness, peace, family, friends. But I am lonely, very lonely. I have great friends, true enough. And I have awesome kids, there is no doubt in that. I have a job, I have a vehicle, our needs are met, we aren't cold or hungry, we have clothes on our backs. All I wanted to do was give my children what they wished for on Christmas, and I stressed about it too much. But somehow I had forgotten that I have given us all what we have wished for for so long, peace at Christmas. For the first time in 18 years, there will be peace & quiet in our home.

So why can't I be happy with that? Why am I still angry with him? Angry with myself for spending so many years in unhappiness? Why can't I just look to the future & forget the past?

My rule of thumb...

is always "Don't let others get to me. I can't control how others act, only my reaction to them." Someone can only make me mad if I allow it. After spending half my life with someone that I loved, someone that I trusted, someone who's opinion mattered to me, someone who I allowed to control my emotions, someone who I allowed to affect my everyday life, my mentality... all by choice, I told myself never again.

So why did I let these miserable people get to me today? Because I am human & I can't be strong all the time.

It is so easy to sit there & tell me what I am doing wrong, to tell me how to do it, to tell me how to fix it, but on my side of the glass it's not so easy. We are all so very different & we think so very differently. Something that seems simple to you, is not so simple to me.

In a perfect world, a man & a woman meet, they date, they decide to get married & then have children, they take care of each other, they support each other through everything. Financial, emotional, physical, all of it, it is supposed to be a partnership. You are supposed to be able to trust this person you chose, because yes it was a choice.

But how do you know if your choice was right? You don't know, there is no way to know. Until one day you wake up in a miserable place in your head, all you can do is think of how you want out. Every decision you make brings you closer to that out until you finally break free.

What happens once your free? You don't know how to live so you live from moment to moment, no thought of consequences. You're free, that's all that matters.

Then reality crashes down on you, freedom doesn't taste so sweet. When the children you had together need more than you can give. When bills you never had to worry about because he took care of them start coming in. When your van won't start, you don't know what to do & he's not there to fix it.

What do you do then? You close your bedroom door & you cry & you cry & you cry some more. No, it won't fix any of it. So, pull on your big girl pants, wipe away your tears & do as you have always done, hope for a better tomorrow & smile.