Drunken blogging, which I didn't get to do.

Why not, you ask?

Because Kid sat by me the whole freaking night. He was up my ass, being all nice & huggy & kissy . He is going to drive me up a fucking wall with his "I love you my sweetheart, my baby." I really need the little barfing smiley.

I just do not, in anyway, understand how he thinks I can just set it all aside. I do believe that he is more controlling & manipulative than I ever thought he was. When I was extremely fat & submissive, he didn't feel threatened. But now that I have gained some confidence & independence, it makes him nervous. Now that I have said on multiple occasions how miserable I am, he is scared. As he fucking should be.

I am not the type of person that is very huggy anyway, so to have his hands all over me & him whispering how he wants to...... well, let's just say get nasty, LOL, it turns me off. He turns me off.

I never realized how hard it would be to pretend to enjoy him. To pretend that everything is okay. I fight so hard not to cringe when he comes near me. I hate this, all of it.

I am trying so hard to hold out until all this lawsuit bullshit is done, because if he gets a fat chunk of change, I want half. If I leave before that happens, I'll have to fight for it.

I fantasize about it being alot & I have the option to say "Okay, kids, this is where we are going." Hire a moving truck & go.

My requirements to the perfect place to live:

1. Good schools.
2. Good work options.
3. Good camping.
4. Good family area.
5. A freaking good hockey team, so we can go to games whenever we want!!

First priority, getting my teeth fixed. That alone will send my confidence through the roof.

Well, I better go. Need to take a shower & get ready to go to Walmart to spend some more money!!

Me...

I am done with Kid. I told him tonight if he doesn't quit drinking it is over, but really, I know he won't quit drinking so it is over. Believe me I know that you cannot tell an alcoholic to quit, I know better than anyone, but I hate him when he is drunk & the only way I could even consider staying with him is if he quits. I can't do it anymore, I can't be with him anymore. I just want him to leave. The love is gone, no getting it back.

I don't want to be in a relationship, I just want a friend with benefits. Someone I can go out with on a Sat. night, someone I can make out with in the back of the car. Someone I can send dirty texts too & have sexy phone conversations. I don't ever want to get married again, at least not until my kids are grown & I can keep my independence.

I tried to get a credit card online, I want to get my teeth fixed so bad it hurts. I swear, if my teeth weren't so bad, I'd be a flirting fool & I would so flirt with my crush.

I am so fucking scared. How the hell am I going to take care of 3 kids?? I was trying to figure out a budget, like how much my bills will cost every month & if I can even possibly pay them on $7.65 an hour. I know he is supposed to pay child support too but what if he doesn't? I guess all these questions will get answered whether I like it or not *sigh*. Please tell me I'll be able to do this??