What it is....

..... it's not getting down when you're not "the one". I like to believe you know, you just know when something is there. But along with that, you know when something is not there. It doesn't mean you aren't an awesome individual, it just means you aren't for them.

..... it's waking up & realizing that a friendship is so much more than you thought it was. It's realizing that you just fell in love with your best friend & didn't even realize it happened. But knowing you don't want to live without them.

..... it's making eye contact with someone across the room, feeling electricity & wanting to know more about them.

..... it's knowing that you want much more than sex so you take your time & truly enjoy someone's company before you decide to get intimate.

..... it's knowing in that place in your heart that there is a reason for your smile, there is a reason for those butterflies & enjoying every second of it.

..... it's knowing that while you don't have it now, one day you will, it will be special & magical, you will love every minute of it.

What it's not... it's not forcing something to be there that isn't. It's not settling just because you don't want to be alone.

Learning indifference...

I'm ready to reinvent myself, is this easy to do? It seems like it should be an easy thing to do...

Anyone who knows me knows that I am an open book. I guess I am very naive about people & the way they think. I don't hold back, I am a straight forward open-minded individual. But somehow my straight forward open-minded mentality backfires & my feelings get hurt, it makes me not want to be the person I am. Especially when someone shares their opinion of me & my choices with my daughter.

You don't have to agree with the way I choose to live... or the way I choose to love... or the way I choose to feel. But if you call me friend & you claim to care about me, then damnit you owe me basic respect, I would do the same for you.

Until you walk a mile in my shoes, until you've lived a moment of my life, you don't know how I feel, you don't know what I need or want. And until my decisions affect you in any way, you are in no position to judge me. We all make mistakes that we have to live with, they are ours alone to own up to, no one else's, leave me to mine & I'll leave you to yours.

Skating away on thoughts of a new day...

I have been doing a lot of thinking the last few days.... ok, so I think alot all the time. People have a tendency to be quick to judge a person for their actions & decisions. Why is this? I am the one to suffer the consequences, I am the one to look in the mirror every day, I am the only one that has to live with myself. I will not tell you that what you are doing is wrong... why? Because I don't have to live with it, you do.

I have also discovered that I have very little faith in people, in men especially. It's not a mentality that I want to have. But as I sat in my van today, wondering how I have become this person, I realized something, I am a product of my childhood, I am a product of my mother. And as I think of all the men that I have had a close personal relationship with, none have ever been positive in any way at all, from my birth to my marriage. It really doesn't make me a bitter or angry woman, it just makes it very easy for me to just walk away from people. Walk away & not look back. It doesn't mean I don't care, it just means that my heart is prepared for the day they will eventually walk away from me, as they always have.

My dream of a life on the road is a way to protect myself, I think, if I am not settled, I cannot get attached to anything therefore I cannot get hurt nor will I hurt anyone.

How do you learn to trust, how do you learn to love? How do you change a mentality that has been instilled in you from a very young age??

It's been a minute or two...

I have a whole lot on my mind tonight.

Have you ever held on to something longer than you should have? Like say... A blanket you had when you were a child? Or a letter someone wrote you? Or a picture? Or a pair of pants that you want so bad to fit into but deep down you know you never will? Or a even a person, friendship, relationship?

And further more, do you ever ask yourself why your holding on to them? I guess it's human nature to hold on to things? Letting go of that baby blanket makes you feel less secure? Letting go of that pair of pants means your giving up hope? Throwing away that letter or that picture is a goodbye? Why is it so hard & so scary to look towards the future & to let go of the past?

I've been holding on to something, something that I need to let go of. If I don't let this go, I will have no chance of moving forward. I know this without a doubt but I am so afraid. Why am I afraid?

My whole life, every time I think I am ready to set something aside & move forward, I am drawn back again, like a moth to a flame. Until I finally reach that point where I am done with it & I step forward. I am ready to step forward. The unknown is always scary, but as humans we adapt. Life throws curve balls all the time, the unexpected happens & we're not prepared for it, but we adapt. And we move on.

So next time you pull out those pants, or that letter or that blanket, ask yourself if you really need it. And the next time I am drawn back again, I'll ask myself if I really need it.

Drama, I will not have!!

Just when you think you are making the right decision, you get that slap in the face that it was the wrong decision, it couldn't have been more of a wrong decision. The thing that gets me in all of this, is that this man thinks his behaviors & actions are normal & acceptable. The longer that I am away from him, the more I see how truly fucked up he is. And the more sad I am that I spent so many years living in that, blinded by misery & loneliness. I neglected my children because of my misery.

I'm a thinker, always thinking, always thinking about people & who they are, thinking about the decisions they make. Thinking about myself & why I am the way I am, so reckless & not giving tomorrow any thought, living for the moment & only for the moment. And I think that it has to be because of so much disappointment in life. The more disappointment a person is dealt, the fewer expectations a person has. I have never known a true & complete happiness, so I will take these happy moments as they come to me.

Which leads me to these man issues I have & why I won't let a man in? Again, disappointment. Disappointment in my father, my brother & my future ex husband. No man has ever been totally decent to me, well, there are a couple now that are... But I am so afraid of more disappointment that I will be content in what I have with the people I have it with, no chance of disappointment.

For the second time in 17 years, he scared me a little yesterday, of course my "I am woman hear me roar" attitude kicked in pretty quick it still scared me to the point that I jumped at little noises I heard last night. I will not ever be afraid again. I will not ever feel that way again. And if that means living single for the rest of my life... so be it.

A bright & shiny awakening??

So it all came to me the other night. I go back & forth all the time between not wanting to be alone, to wanting to be alone. To not wanting a man, to wanting a man. Yea, it's borderline bi-polar :P . I have issues, I know this. But I always wonder why? Why the confusion? Why is it not cut & dry? It should be simple enough right?

Nothing is ever simple, not ever.

When I was like 5 I guess, my mom & dad split & my mom became a single mother. She worked 2 jobs & I had to step up & become my mom's right hand with my little brother. We went to visit my dad when I was 7 & Jesse was 5, my dad said he woke up one morning & I was in the kitchen at 7 making breakfast for my little brother, he said "no way, this is not gonna happen here & now."

Well, as a single mother, how in the hell do I not rely on my oldest child to help me?? I am not angry with my mom for that. It made me happy to help her, she's my mom!!

But when I was 9 she met a man, a man she decided she wanted to marry. She didn't give us a choice. He was mean, impatient & mean. He smacked me around a few times. And at 15 she let me move out because of him. She let me go, a 15 year old child, because of a man. It was easier for her to let me go.

Without any kind of guidance, I moved in with the first man who showed me any kind of real attention & then I gave him 17 years of my life, half of my life. I don't regret that but would it be wrong to wonder how different life would have been if things had been different?

I am terrified of making the same mistakes my mom might have made. I do not in any way want my children to feel like me & my brother felt. I am terrified that I will make the wrong decision & bring the wrong kind of person into my life & the lives of my children. I just can't do it. can't do it to them & I am scared to give the wrong person any more of my life.

I feel so completely screwed up over this. I guess we all have daddy issues & babydaddy issues, huh??

I lie...

to myself all the time.

I do want a man. I want a man to come home from work, come up behind me while I am cooking, wrap his arms around me & kiss my neck right where it meets my shoulder.

I want to lay in bed at night talking about everything by candlelight.

I wanna watch a man with Zach, teaching him how to fish or playing football with him. Or playing wii with all the kids.

I feel like I failed my children at picking the man I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I wonder if I will be alone forever because I am too scared to let a man get close, and honestly, a big reason is because I don't want my children to be hurt again. I don't want them to be heartbroken again.