Skating away on thoughts of a new day...

I have been doing a lot of thinking the last few days.... ok, so I think alot all the time. People have a tendency to be quick to judge a person for their actions & decisions. Why is this? I am the one to suffer the consequences, I am the one to look in the mirror every day, I am the only one that has to live with myself. I will not tell you that what you are doing is wrong... why? Because I don't have to live with it, you do.

I have also discovered that I have very little faith in people, in men especially. It's not a mentality that I want to have. But as I sat in my van today, wondering how I have become this person, I realized something, I am a product of my childhood, I am a product of my mother. And as I think of all the men that I have had a close personal relationship with, none have ever been positive in any way at all, from my birth to my marriage. It really doesn't make me a bitter or angry woman, it just makes it very easy for me to just walk away from people. Walk away & not look back. It doesn't mean I don't care, it just means that my heart is prepared for the day they will eventually walk away from me, as they always have.

My dream of a life on the road is a way to protect myself, I think, if I am not settled, I cannot get attached to anything therefore I cannot get hurt nor will I hurt anyone.

How do you learn to trust, how do you learn to love? How do you change a mentality that has been instilled in you from a very young age??

It's been a minute or two...

I have a whole lot on my mind tonight.

Have you ever held on to something longer than you should have? Like say... A blanket you had when you were a child? Or a letter someone wrote you? Or a picture? Or a pair of pants that you want so bad to fit into but deep down you know you never will? Or a even a person, friendship, relationship?

And further more, do you ever ask yourself why your holding on to them? I guess it's human nature to hold on to things? Letting go of that baby blanket makes you feel less secure? Letting go of that pair of pants means your giving up hope? Throwing away that letter or that picture is a goodbye? Why is it so hard & so scary to look towards the future & to let go of the past?

I've been holding on to something, something that I need to let go of. If I don't let this go, I will have no chance of moving forward. I know this without a doubt but I am so afraid. Why am I afraid?

My whole life, every time I think I am ready to set something aside & move forward, I am drawn back again, like a moth to a flame. Until I finally reach that point where I am done with it & I step forward. I am ready to step forward. The unknown is always scary, but as humans we adapt. Life throws curve balls all the time, the unexpected happens & we're not prepared for it, but we adapt. And we move on.

So next time you pull out those pants, or that letter or that blanket, ask yourself if you really need it. And the next time I am drawn back again, I'll ask myself if I really need it.

Drama, I will not have!!

Just when you think you are making the right decision, you get that slap in the face that it was the wrong decision, it couldn't have been more of a wrong decision. The thing that gets me in all of this, is that this man thinks his behaviors & actions are normal & acceptable. The longer that I am away from him, the more I see how truly fucked up he is. And the more sad I am that I spent so many years living in that, blinded by misery & loneliness. I neglected my children because of my misery.

I'm a thinker, always thinking, always thinking about people & who they are, thinking about the decisions they make. Thinking about myself & why I am the way I am, so reckless & not giving tomorrow any thought, living for the moment & only for the moment. And I think that it has to be because of so much disappointment in life. The more disappointment a person is dealt, the fewer expectations a person has. I have never known a true & complete happiness, so I will take these happy moments as they come to me.

Which leads me to these man issues I have & why I won't let a man in? Again, disappointment. Disappointment in my father, my brother & my future ex husband. No man has ever been totally decent to me, well, there are a couple now that are... But I am so afraid of more disappointment that I will be content in what I have with the people I have it with, no chance of disappointment.

For the second time in 17 years, he scared me a little yesterday, of course my "I am woman hear me roar" attitude kicked in pretty quick it still scared me to the point that I jumped at little noises I heard last night. I will not ever be afraid again. I will not ever feel that way again. And if that means living single for the rest of my life... so be it.

A bright & shiny awakening??

So it all came to me the other night. I go back & forth all the time between not wanting to be alone, to wanting to be alone. To not wanting a man, to wanting a man. Yea, it's borderline bi-polar :P . I have issues, I know this. But I always wonder why? Why the confusion? Why is it not cut & dry? It should be simple enough right?

Nothing is ever simple, not ever.

When I was like 5 I guess, my mom & dad split & my mom became a single mother. She worked 2 jobs & I had to step up & become my mom's right hand with my little brother. We went to visit my dad when I was 7 & Jesse was 5, my dad said he woke up one morning & I was in the kitchen at 7 making breakfast for my little brother, he said "no way, this is not gonna happen here & now."

Well, as a single mother, how in the hell do I not rely on my oldest child to help me?? I am not angry with my mom for that. It made me happy to help her, she's my mom!!

But when I was 9 she met a man, a man she decided she wanted to marry. She didn't give us a choice. He was mean, impatient & mean. He smacked me around a few times. And at 15 she let me move out because of him. She let me go, a 15 year old child, because of a man. It was easier for her to let me go.

Without any kind of guidance, I moved in with the first man who showed me any kind of real attention & then I gave him 17 years of my life, half of my life. I don't regret that but would it be wrong to wonder how different life would have been if things had been different?

I am terrified of making the same mistakes my mom might have made. I do not in any way want my children to feel like me & my brother felt. I am terrified that I will make the wrong decision & bring the wrong kind of person into my life & the lives of my children. I just can't do it. can't do it to them & I am scared to give the wrong person any more of my life.

I feel so completely screwed up over this. I guess we all have daddy issues & babydaddy issues, huh??

I lie...

to myself all the time.

I do want a man. I want a man to come home from work, come up behind me while I am cooking, wrap his arms around me & kiss my neck right where it meets my shoulder.

I want to lay in bed at night talking about everything by candlelight.

I wanna watch a man with Zach, teaching him how to fish or playing football with him. Or playing wii with all the kids.

I feel like I failed my children at picking the man I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I wonder if I will be alone forever because I am too scared to let a man get close, and honestly, a big reason is because I don't want my children to be hurt again. I don't want them to be heartbroken again.

Day 30: The grand finale!!

Your favorite song.

I can't do this one, I don't have a favorite song. I have songs that are timeless, no matter where I am or what I am doing, when this song comes on, I stop & listen. I have favorite songs of the moment. I have songs that I love because they make me think of my mom. I have songs that I love because they helped me get through a tough time. I cannot in any way pick just one.

So this is the end of the 30 day challenge. I want to issue my own 30 day challenge, I'm going to sit & make a list of 30 questions that actually matter. Things that people actually want to know, LOL!! I made it, not quite in 30 days but it is done!!

Day 29: Lessons...

In this past month, what have you learned?

I have learned that I am way too old to party like a rock star.

I have also learned that taking the easy way is never really that easy.

I learned that I am really not that special, noone is. We're all just warm bodies breathing the same air, doing the same things, living to the best of our ability.

And I've learned that acceptance is the only way to true inner peace, but yes I struggle with it all the time. I don't want to accept some things damnit. I want it to be my way... but it's not ever going to be my way.