Miserable

Just fucking miserable.

Kid isn't talking to me at all. He goes around telling everyone, including the kids that I have a boyfriend. I was supposed to get off work at 4, but I stayed late & didn't get home until 7:30 & he said to the kids that I was with my boyfriend.

I guess I asked for it. No, I know I asked for it. I just don't care anymore. If I had the money, I would walk out the door right now. It doesn't matter how many times I say I do not have a boyfriend, he doesn't believe me, but I do not have a boy friend. I talk to 3 guys. Yes, I know it is wrong, but shit, look what I get from home. I am not "dating" them.

I guess he can't understand that all these changes are for me, not anyone else. He is convinced that the difference in me is because of a boyfriend. Which is total bullshit.

I am so depressed. I am so miserable. I think I'm going to call my grandma & see if she can help me get out of this. I am just crushed because I love my store, I love my job.

I am backing off of the guys I am talking to also. They all want one thing, they are all the same. I thought Matt was going to be different, but I guess not.

OMFG, Kid & I had a horrible, horrible, horrible fight. He accused me of cheating on him so bad. As in he has convinced himself that all last week, I lied about being at work. He saw my hours written down on a piece of paper, my walmart hours, and he aid "You said you worked this many hours, but there are only this many hours on this sheet of paper. You were out fucking your boyfriend the rest of the time." He was throwing stuff, threatening me, calling me names, telling me he hates me, he wants to kill me. Just horrible, nasty mean things. And believe me, none of this is an exaggeration, Shari was on the phone the whole time.

I have to get out. I have to come up with a plan. I am going to start researching online areas & help. I don't know yet where I want to go, but I will find the perfect place & then I am calling my grandma, when I have a plan & telling her everything. I hate him, I hate him with a passion. I will not live this way anymore. I have this job & I can transfer anywhere with it. I won't live this way anymore.

Anyway, as for M. He is hiding something, I don't know what, I don't care, but I am done talking to him. I asked him about his MySpace & he said oh, my friends set it up for me, I don't use it. I know he is lying, I am certain he is not married because I have seen him on cam, seen his apartment, but he probably has a girlfriend. He doesn't want me on his MySpace for some reason, so be it. He is a waste of time.

I deleted S, he is just another one that is out for one thing. I have gotten what I want from them & I am done.

I am having a hard time believing anyone could ever love me for me. I have this feeling of worthlessness. I know what I am doing, but when I get shit on at every turn, I can't help but feel there is a reason why. I am tired, overwhelmed, lonely, miserable, depressed, lost, stuck. All these things that my personality does not like to be.

Well, it is nearly 1am & I have to sleep, have to work both jobs tomorrow & listen to Kids "You fucking your boyfriend."

Believe me, I know how far from perfect I am. I just want to be happy again.

Do you even want to know??

Do I even want to type it out :P ??

Today was pure insanity!!! I didn't even know what to expect, I did not expect that. But the day flew by. For the most part I had decent customers. I did have one old lady want to talk politics & dispute my decision to vote for Obama, but whatever, LOL. I smiled & stayed friendly, as a good Walmart employee does. Oh wait, a smiling Walmart employee, is there such a thing?? I love my job, I truly do. And that is hard to say after spending the majority of the day on self checkout, with about 75% of customers being elderly people, really sweet elderly people. Elderly people + self-checkout = major stress. But I smiled through it all. And came home with a migraine. I walked in the door & said "I'm going to puke, I need 2 excedrin & a cold rag." As I walked to the bedroom, stripping on the way there, LOL.

I did not eat enough, drink enough water & as soon as the headache started, I didn't take anything, 3 mistakes, I will not repeat them tomorrow.

Anyway....... Tomorrow is going to be a long, very long day. I work at the cleaners in the morning, from 8 to 11, then home for about 40 minutes, and off to Walmart, for a 12 to 9 shift. I will be heading into overtime, if I'm not there already, LOL. A 13 hour day. It just doesn't feel worth it, but it is, I know *sigh* .

Okay, enough about work.

I talked to a new guy this morning, I was annoyed with my old guy, LOL. And this new guy is here, in south Florida, yikes!! He has already asked me out, I said NO, with a quickness. I am down with fun flirting online, even webcam, but no real life stuff, no way, no how. Wanna know where he wanted to take me?? To the Panthers preseason game on Monday night, wanna know where the seats were.... 8 rows from the glass!!! But I said no. That is like a date & I am a married woman, I do not date, I chat & flirt, that is what I do, that is ALL I do. He said I was pretty, much prettier than my Talk City pics, LOL & when I told him I worked at Walmart, he said he never saw any Walmart employee look like me. He said I looked like a professional or a librarian, LOL. So innocent, that is me!!

Well, fuck me, it is midnight, I have to take a shower & go to bed or I will not make it through tomorrow.

Where do I even begin?

I am wiped out. But happy!! I worked at the cleaners from 8 to 11 this morning. Came home & rushed through a shower & lunch, then ran back out the door to be at Walmart by 12. I was supposed to get off at 5 but I stayed to make some extra hours, I ended up staying until 9!! And I am sure if I hadn't mentioned how many hours over I have, I could've stayed longer. But I was starving. Before Kristen left tonight she asked me if I can work 11 to 8 tomorrow instead of 12 to 5 & of course I said YES, LOL!!

Today felt like such a tedious day. Started the day hanging signs with Maria & Lucy. Then we did something else, though I can't remember what, LOL. After break I did a few CBL's, I think I am all caught up. Then I ended up in HBA again, helping Pat hang a modular & then using the little hand scanner & printer to label all the freaking make-up. Soo tedious. But I am learning alot, LOL.

There is just something good about being able to say I worked a 13 hour day, LOL. Makes me feel proud. I feel energetic. Well, tired & energetic.

But I am nervous about tomorrow, really nervous.

I want someone to come talk to me, LOL. Oh well.

We got a new pharmacist & he is sooo cute. He reminds me of an old friend, Darrick. I miss him, LOL.

I need a new online boyfriend. I got so spoiled with the fun flirting that when he isn't online, I miss it. I'm tired of waiting for him, LOL. I need to find a new one. I feel like he is blowing me off for whatever reason & it is annoying.

Believe me, I know how fucked up that is. A married woman looking for a guy to flirt with. But it is just too fun. However, I am not aggressive at all so stalking a man on like Talk City or something is just not my style.

Well, it is nearly midnight. Tomorrow is going to be one long ass day, I better call it a night *yawn*.

Oh, last thing, I am so excited. Kid fixed our oven. We have been without an oven for well over a year. My mind is just spinning with ideas for dinners, LOL. And I cannot wait to make homemade pizza again, and shepherds pie & banana bread. And the list goes on & on!!

Blogging........

I am doing the copy & paste for Quinn over here, from my MySpace. See Quinn, I do love you!!!!

I am a little worried about the adult stuff I talk about .

Anyway, you won't believe this, but Kid actually said to me tonight, I was standing back here, he said something like I was so skinny he could barely see me anymore, LOL. Of course he followed it up with a "You'll find a new boyfriend." Whatever.

Speaking of a guy friend that I have.......

I want him to come online . I miss chatting with him.

But, this guy added me as a friend on Talk City, so I emailed him, told him he should email me sometime that I would love to chat with him & he is hot, LOL. I hope he emails me. I need to fill these lonely nights with some fun flirting .

So, the store opens on Wed. And I admit I am nervous. I am afraid they are going to put me on self check out right away & I'll fuck everything up. Kristen told us she picked some people for self checkout that she thought would be good at the multi-tasking. I really think she has more faith in me that I have in me , LOL.

Today I spent the afternoon in cosmetics. It was tedious but fun to look at all the make-up & all the different colors. Damn, some of that shit is expensive!! But I have already picked out a few really pretty colors of lip gloss I want. They have sparkles in it. Oh & some pretty eye shadow colors. I can't wait until I have the extra money to splurge on some of this shit. Including the hair dye. Which Kid thinks I am crazy for wanting to dye my hair . But first I am getting it trimmed.

I better call it a night, it's after 12 & I have both jobs tomorrow. At least the kids are out of school so I only have to worry about me in the am.

Ohhh, I almost forgot, I saw some drama today, at work. The first glimpse of our not quite so happy family. The lead in HBA (which is health & beauty) is an older man. He is really nice, well, one of the CSM's talked down to him today & he said he won't be talking to her anymore & walked away. And she walked off all pissed. Then one of the office ladies came over to help & I heard them talking about her & the way she was talking, LOL. It was pretty funny, actually. See, right now, we are all pretty much equals, well, besides the managers. We are all pretty clueless & looking to each other for help & questions, LOL.

Okay, I'm really done now. Nite!!

Optimistic

I always try to be optimistic. The easiest way for me to do that, just not think of the problems, just put everything aside. I have convinced myself that everything will work out & I will continue to believe that.

I am so annoyed with welfare. I have been calling every chance I get & I always get this stupid message, due to high volume of calls, all of our agents are assisting other clients, call back another time, click. Well, I called this morning, actually got through, sat on hold for I don't even know how long, just to have them hang up on me. I don't have the time to go down & sit down there & wait to talk to someone. We are nearing the 30 day mark since I applied, hopefully I will hear something soon.

I want to start wearing make-up, just a little bit. A little foundation & blush to cover my blemishes & a little eye make-up to bring out my eyes. I just don't know how to wear it. Is there somewhere I can go, where they can show me the proper colors & techniques. Although, I guess right now, it doesn't even matter, no money to buy any.

Of course I am ecstatic about finally feeling comfortable in my own skin, about finally being happy with the person who is looking back at me. But it seems kind of ironic I guess that when I finally reach this point, I can't treat myself to a new outfit, a new pair of earrings, make-up, whatever. I guess that is just the way things happen in life.

I also want to dye my hair. I have never dyed my hair. Maybe when Lynne comes back she can help me. I was thinking of maybe dying it a reddish brown color. But there again, no money for the dye.

*sigh*

I wonder what Kid would say if I went out one night & came home with my eyebrow pierced.

I guess it seems like I am reinventing myself, but really, these are my true colors peeking through. I am finally in a place inside myself where I can let them shine.

Ok, now for some stupidity.

I took a long...... very long........ hot......... bath last night. And I had this whole fantasy played out in my head, involving a certain person I have come to enjoy. And then I sat here, until midnight, waiting & hoping he would come online, so I could tell him about it. Of course he didn't show. And I felt so stupid. I still feel stupid, because I keep checking yahoo to see if he has signed on. I keep coming back & forth, getting ready for work.

Mariella didn't have work for me today *sigh*. I'll work tomorrow but not Wed. Frank wants us to try to be at the Grand Opening on Wed. morning. We'll get paid for it, but it won't be as many hours as I would get with Mariella. So I will get $48 from her on Friday, if I work Tues & Thurs.

Plus my Walmart payheck on Thurs. Though I have absolutely no idea how much it will be. I seriously need to figure out when the pay period starts & ends. I'll ask one of the transfers today.

Well, I guess I better wrap this mess of randomness up & go find something to eat before work.

I HATE HIM

I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM

Tattoo

I am so pissed at Mozilla, LOL. I had this all typed out last night & Mozilla froze & I lost the whole damn thing, grrrrrr.

Anyway, I love tattoos, I have none, but I love them. I love looking at them, and finding out what meaning they have. I never got a tattoo because I believe, for myself, that it has to have a special meaning, not just some random design I like. I have always wanted one but nothing ever meant enough to me to get one, besides my kids, obviously, but I couldn't come up with something that fit them, you know.

I think I have finally decided what tattoo I want. I spent last night searching through images on a website that a friend posted, this website to be exact.

And then I found another cool website that had meanings behind different tattoos, this really cool site.

I posted on GBM & one friend mentioned the phoenix. I love the idea of the phoenix, it signifies rebirth. However, when I think phoenix, I think Harry Potter. Plus, it is a very common tattoo. I wanted something unique, something I came up with for myself.

My first though was to have the metamorphosis of the butterfly from a fat caterpillar to a colorful cocoon & then to a butterfly. But butterflies are probably the most common tattoo for women. And though I truly like butterflies, I wanted something a little different.

Then I thought about a snake shedding it's skin. But I want my fave colors in it & having a purple, blue & green snake would be a bit odd.

So, I finally came up with something. The lotus flower signifies rebirth. While I am not crazy about flowers, the lotus is actually a really cool flower. In Buddhism, some actually believe Buddha was reborn through a lotus flower.

"The lotus flower is symbolic of rebirth, but in addition to its religious meaning, the lotus is also a symbol of all that is true, good and beautiful, representing good fortune, peace and enlightenment."




But I want to be looking at it more like straight on, like this.


Then I am going to have a dragonfly coming out of the lotus. The dragonfly also goes through a metamorphosis like a butterfly, but it takes like 3 years. Which is perfect for my weight loss. I am not losing it over night, over a month, but over a long period of time. Hence my metamorphosis. Dragonflies are popular, but I like them more than butterflies.

"The dragonfly spirit is the essence of the winds of change, the messages of wisdom and enlightenment; and the communication from the elemental world. Its medicine beckons you to seek out the parts of your habits which need changing. You can turn to the dragonfly to guide you through the mists of illusion to the pathway of transformation."

Like this maybe. But the wings would be a bit different.




Wow, this guy did some awesome dragonflies.

Click on inkers & Rich is the guy who did these.








I wanted to incorporate my kids in this whole thing somehow. Shari mentioned maybe 3 buds of the lotus, but I really just want one big beautiful purple lotus. Then she mentioned fish, but I want the only creature to be the dragonfly. So, I think I came up with the perfect idea. I want my dragonfly to be the color of my gemstone, the amethyst, which is a pale purple.


Then on each wing, I want to have first a diamond in honor of my mom.




Then the blue sapphire on the opposite wing for Cheyenne. Another blue sapphire right below the diamond, on the lower wing, for Briana.




Then below Cheyenne's on the bottom wing, an emerald which is deep green for Zach.



I want the lotus to be in water, because my sign is Aquarius, the water-bearer. But also because water is the feminine element & it means life. The water would not only represent my femininity, but also the change in my life.

"Water as an Element is thought to represent the Feminine, and is see as a powerful force for change. Water is associated with the principle of "moisture" and the circulatory movement of blood and sap as life within vegetation and animals. It is also associated with the water of the womb where individual life comes from and from the water of the oceans where human life evolved from. Water has the power to abolish, dissolve, purify, wash away and regenerate. In opposition to this is the principle of "dryness" and the static condition of life."

So, I want the lotus to be in the water, but I want the water to be coming up around it, as if the dragonfly is coming out of it, forcing it down into the water, kwim?

Right behind the dragonfly, I want a moon.

"The Moon is said to represent the feeling nature of the individual. It is used to characterize the inner child within us, as well as the past and how we have been as individuals rather than how we are now.

Though some call the Moon a planet in its own right, scientifically speaking, the Moon is a satellite of Earth, orbiting in 28 days. The moon’s gravitational pull is the cause of tides in the oceans, but its presence in the heavens has been the cause of the many changing tides in the human heart and mind."

The moon would also represent me as a night person.

I want it on my lower leg, just above my ankle, so I can see it, LOL. Not too big, I don't want it to take up my whole leg, but I want it big enough that everything is very visible. And I figured having it put there will be easy to cover with pants, if I needed too.

Now I just need to find an artist who can draw it up for me, LOL.

Maybe I should just apply for Miami Ink, LOL. Although it's going to be a year or so before I get this done, when I reach the 100 pound loss & I have the money. The show will probably be off air by then :P .

Ok, I am done, as you can tell, I put a lot of thought into this & I am so excited. Let me know what you think, please??