OMG, I can’t believe I nearly forgot.

Today was my Mom's birthday. She would have been 53. That seems so young. It has been almost 5 years since she died. I do think that the thought of this lingering in the back of my mind has affected my mood today a bit too.

But the real reason i am posting again is about Jesse. His birthday was on Monday, March 31st. Kid asked me if I was going to call him to wish him a happy birthday & I said no, I was scared. I don't know what he was thinking about that. But I was scared because the last time Jesse & I talked, we had a great conversation. We talked for over an hour & it was not forced at all. It was easy & we laughed. And I was scared of how he would sound when I called. I was scared that it wouldn't be the same way. I like to hold that conversation close to me because it felt good, it put my heart & mind at ease. I worry about him all the time.

So, I get a call today. I was eating lunch. And this lady leaves a message on my machine, she said Jesse checked out of treatment today & since I was the contact person he listed she was calling to let me know.

I called her right back. It was a drug & alcohol treatment place. He checked in on his birthday & checked out today. He was there barely 2 days. He told her that he thought he could continue with recovery on his own. I feel so guilty. I feel like maybe if I had called him or sent him a birthday card, anything at all, maybe things would have been different for him. God, why does he have to be so sick? And so alone? Why am I so scared? Why can I not just let things go & love him without being scared? Just call him without worrying about the repercussions?

He is all I have left in the world. And I will lose him too.

So..... I don't even know what to say.

Depressed.

Annoyed.

Impatient.

Disgusted.

I literally laid in bed all day. I was on the computer for a few minutes this morning while I ate my bowl of cereal. Then I laid in bed watching TV. I forced myself to get up & go take a walk. I had bad bad cramps, I was tired, depressed. Sore, yes, I got a sunburn from my long walk during the hottest part of the day yesterday. And I just didn't want to do it. I walked up there. I walked the 1 mile track once. Then I walked it again doing the fit stations this time. Then I started to walk it a third time for my 3 miles. Made it to the 1/4 mile marker. My shoulders were killing me (from the sunburn), I was hot, I was hungry, I was crabby, so I said fuck it & walked home. I was a little disappointed that I didn't make it the third mile. But then I thought, I got out of bed & went, that is an accomplishment. So screw it.

I came home & spent part of the afternoon in bed. After my shower & lunch. I had to make myself go to the store because we had nothing for dinner, with a stop at Blockbuster first. Then I came home & laid back in bed for awhile. Until Cheyenne woke me up from a little nap, asking me to fix dinner. How lame is that? Then spent the rest of the evening in bed. Uggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Kid was gone all evening helping his friend. But when he came home, all he had to do was open his mouth to set me off. I have been short & nasty with him for the last hour. And I am sure I am not done yet. I think it is better for him to pass out fast tonight!!

I am so disgusted with this apartment. I look around & I don't even know where to begin. I want to just open up a big black garbage bag & sweep everything into it & be done. We have so much stuff, so much clutter. It is just so unbelievably overwhelming. I actually watched a bunch of episodes of Clean House tonight. I guess I feel a certain kinship with these people with all this shit. And I guess it makes me feel like, well, a little less embarrassed knowing I am not alone. And I do think it inspires me to just let go. Just let the shit go & get it OUT!!! But the next step is, where to begin?

I am also feeling really really bummed that summer is coming on fast. No more camping & I miss it so much. Camping grounds me. It gives me a certain peace. And I am missing it more than I thought I could or would.

Another thing that has me down is that I want to move so bad. I feel like we are growing out of this apartment. I am tired of not having the space for stuff. I am tired of Zach sleeping on the girls floor, on his old crib mattress.

God, he won't shut up. Like I care about all his friends & what they are doing or talking about!!!! Just GO AWAY PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

Anyway......

I sit on the floor every night to read to Zach & wait for him to fall asleep. If he had his own room & his own big boy bed then I could lay down with him & read to him. He was supposed to sleep back here but he is scared back here, with all the windows. If he had a normal room I think he would be fine.

I would even be fine with moving to Canada at this point if it meant having a bigger place, with 3 bedrooms. I wouldn't even care if it was still an apartment, just a little bigger.

Well, Kid is out of the shower. I need to start a load of dishes & I wanted to watch a movie. So, I'm going to call it a night.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I am either going to get up & walk in the morning, or I am going to walk after dinner. Walking in the middle of the heat of the day is killing me, it sucks the air out of me. So that is the plan for tomorrow.

Nite all!!!

Job update.

So, I left here a little after 12 for my walk. I stopped in at the laundromat up around the corner from my house & asked the woman there if they were looking for help. She said not that she knew of & I heard her say as I was leaving "unless they are looking to replace me". I called Kid & he told me I was at the wrong one, doh! He told me the one down on 4th street. So I move on down the road.

I have to say, before walking down there would have seemed so far & I wouldn't have ever done it. I was only a few blocks from Blockbuster & I thought to myself, next time I go to Blockbuster, I am walking. Then I almost walked to the library too, which wasn't far from where I was either. I was not tired or winded. And all that in itself was an accomplishment. I did not go to the library because I did not have my wallet with my card. Plus I still wanted to go to the park to walk & didn't want to be stuck carrying a book.

I had actually been psyching myself up for a job. And I had even convinced myself that getting an evening job wouldn't be too bad. I could work 5 to 10. Still be able to fix dinner for everyone. But I just thought of something, I would never see Cheyenne. She doesn't get home until 4:30 :( . I can't do that. Never mind, scratch that *sigh* .

So, I went in to the 4th Street laundromat. It is dirty, it is an all night laundromat. Half the machines were broken. And there were homeless people all over. Believe me, I do not have a problem with homeless people, I could be one someday. But I am always being asked for money, ALWAYS. I don't have it to spare right now. Anyway, I couldn't find the girl anywhere. I asked 3 different people. I stood there for a few minutes. Then the phone started to ring & she came out of the bathroom. She was not friendly at all. I asked her if they were looking for help & she also told me "Not that I know of". I have not given up, I am going to ask my neighbor what lady & if she could get me her phone number or the best time to go in. But I refuse to work nights at that laundromat.

So, on my merry way I went. I jumped on the trail a bit before the 3/4 mile mark. So I walked it 3 complete circles, from the start to finish marker. Plus that little bit extra. So, I believe I walked 4 miles today. Plus I did the fit stations through my second mile. I am feeling quite good. My feet hurt but not quite as bad. I want to get one of those gel inserts, I think that will help alot.

I think you are right Shari, I put way too much thought into & read too much online, confused myself & then got desperate & got something that I thought would be fine. Sneaker shopping sucks.

The kids feel better today. They did play outside for a little while. But I put TONS of sunblock on them, they were white. I know they weren't outside for long at all though, so I think all will be well. Cheyenne didn't play outside at all today. Poor girl is hurting!!

I have a confession that I am not quite ready to disclose yet. So, I am off to get this dumpy ass apartment clean & then I may be ready to confess, or maybe not.

Bye all!!

Bad mom, that is I.

Okay, maybe not a bad mom.

The kids, all 4 of them, including Emily, Shari’s daughter, played outside all day long. From like 9:30am until 5 or so. And Cheyenne & Emily are now sporting very very bad sunburns. They all wore bathing suits all day & played in the water. So, they are badly burned pretty much all over. You would think after 14 years in Florida, I would know better. But I guess I was thinking that it is still only March, it isn’t quite that hot yet. *sigh* So, Cheyenne is sleeping on the couch tonight, feeling quite miserable. Briana & Zach have some red patches that will most likely be tan tomorrow. I think they need to stay inside tomorrow, they naturally disagree, but have promised that they will NOT go outside without sunblock. We will see how it goes tomorrow I guess.

I went to Rack Room shoes today & bought myself a pair of Nike’s & a pair of sandals. The 10’s seemed too small so I got the 11 but I am so afraid it is too big. I walked my 3 miles. I was sore & didn’t feel like I could walk as fast for some reason. I am really hoping it is just because I am still breaking these sneakers in. But I made myself do it. However, I am slightly discouraged. I am looking through this book that Shari checked out from the library, Walking For Dummies. According to this book, the walking I am doing is lifestyle walking. And it is really just going to help me maintain a healthy lifestyle, not really help me lose weight. That is very disappointing. So, I guess in order to really start losing the weight, I need to incorporate a work out video a few days in my week. But still continue with the walking. There just aren’t enough hours in the day. *sigh*

The plan for tomorrow, you won’t believe this, is to go to the laundromat up around the corner from my house. Colleen, our neighbor, told Kid the girl that works there asked her if she knew anyone looking for a job. So she asked Kid if I might be interested. So, I am going there tomorrow to ask about the hours. I have to admit, I am very nervous about going to talk to her. It's not really a job interview so much but it feels like it. So, it looks like I might be getting a job, if the hours work out for me. Right now, while Kid is at home, I can work pretty much any hours through the day. But when he goes back to work, I’ll only be able to work from 8 to 12. I have mixed emotions about this, obviously. But for the most part I am kind of hoping I get it. It certainly would be nice to have my own money again. Not that it would be mine until Kid goes back to work. Everything would go back into the house for now. But I guess there is no point really thinking about it right now, I have to go there first & who knows she may be looking for someone at night, which I absolutely refuse to do. So we shall see.

Okay, I was watching We Are Marshall, I better get back to it now so I can get it done & get to bed at a decent time. I want to stop in at the laundromat on my walk tomorrow morning.

Nite all!!

Oh, and just so you know, I will be posting on both blogs but I will be posting the same thing. So if you read it here, don't bother checking over there.

So depressed....

Kid is still on my ass about calling Terry. I just can't do it.

So, I went to the bank today with those savings bonds. I had 8 of them, $50 each. First off they gave me a helluva a hard time with it because it said Angie Turcotte, not Anjare Turcotte. Of course I said so you'll cash a check that is written out to Anjie but not a savings bond, which were in my kids names & I had their birth certificates with me. In my opinion, they were just being assholes. They said if they could find a check written to Anjie, then they would cash the bonds. So, I stand there for like 20 minutes while they are looking at old checks on their computer. Good thing I decided to lean over & check what they were looking at, they were in my wrong damn bank account. Of course there have only been 2 deposits to my account & sure enough, one of the checks said Anjie, how long do you think that took ~need the eye-rolling smiley~? Anyway, after all the stress & all these people looking at me like I was some kind of bad mom, cashing in my kids bonds, turns out they lost value. That figures. Expecting $400, I walk away with $263. It'll pay the insurance bill.

I called Kid back, he called while I was at the bank, and told him about the decrease in value. And he says again, you need to call Terry. He said we'll pay him back. I lost it & yelled at him "How? We are 5 fucking months behind on rent, how are we going to pay anyone back? I gotta go, bye." CLICK!! And then I just started crying. Both Briana & Zach were with me :( . But I was quietly crying all the way to Walmart to buy water.

Life sucks, period!!

When I got home there wa sa paper in the mailbox for Kid. It is in french, it appears to be a life insurance policy. He said his dad got it for him when he was a kid. Now, I may be wrong, but I thought you can cash in life insurance or at least collect some money off of it. I know Terry did something like that once. I told the ass to call the guy on the paper. He won't fucking do it. I can't read the motherfucking paper, it is in french!!!! He is on my ass about calling a guy who doesn't even talk to me, who isn't even a relative to borrow money that we can't fucking pay back but he WON"T MAKE A CALL HIMSELF!!!!! God I am so pissed!!!

I'm going to put on some hard rock & go for a walk, walk off these goddamn frustrations. I skipped lunch & ate a bunch of crap so I could use the exercise.

One more thing, I was so depressed that I couldn't make Easter baskets for my kids. Shari told me last night not to worry about it, she was going to do baskets for them. That makes me feel so motherfucking lame. I actually have $82 in my bank account, I was sitting on it for a rainy day. Well, if these days aren't 'rainy' I don't know what day ever will be, so I'm just going to use it to make them small baskets. That is so much more important to me than saving it for whatever....... whenever.

Ok, off for a walk now, I am about to start crying again.

Lice free, 30 pounds lighter & dead ass broke

Okay, so I haven't been back to update. I've been working on some things for some of my girls from GBM.

For Veloute
For Quinn
For Darcey
For Kelly
For Em
For Markera
For Amy

Oh, I hope they don't mind me posting them. I have one for me too but I'm going to redo it I think. And I had done one for my IRL friend Shari, but I'm redoing it so I'll post it when it is done.

Anyway, those are very time consuming & I am not done yet, I have 4 more to do, but I am taking a break tonight. I have been staying up until 4 or so every night. Not tonight, I am blogging & going to bed.

Anyway, I think I have this lice thing beat. For nearly 2 weeks we had a routine. Every night they would wash their hair with Tea Tree Oil shampoo & conditioner. I made them use a different towel every night after their shower. Then I would spend about 20 or 30 minutes combing through their hair, picking out any nits or bugs I saw. I didn't let them wear their pjs or jackets more than once. And I dried their bedding every single night before bed. Also I dumped boiling water on their brushes & combs every night. I am still having them wash their hair with the shampoo & I am still combing their hair & picking through it. So far I have only found a nit or 2 on each of them. No bugs. I am really really hoping we beat those nasty little fuckers. We did rewash & recomb on Friday night too. Everything is still in bags & I think I'm going to leave them for another week or so. Besides my house is a mess, I should really clean it before I open all that shit up. So, I am really hoping I won't be back here in another week posting about more lice, uggghhhh.

In other news, great news, I have reached a milestone, I HAVE LOST 30 POUNDS!!!!!!! I am so freaking excited about that. I am really starting to feel it now. And I finally got my ass up & out the door to walk to get Briana today. I wore my MP3 player, listening to AC/DC, G'N'R & Bon Jovi (which I need to delete some of those songs, I found myself skipping them, LOL), I was amazed at how much that helped. I wore the weights Shari bought me for my birthday & I walked hard & fast. I felt the burn in my legs & I broke a sweat. I never realized how much music helped. I am really looking forward to tomorrow. I left a little early today, I plan on leaving even earlier tomorrow.

At the park right by her school they have a Health Fit trail (or something like that). The trail winds through the park & it has various Fit Stations with activities. Like bend & touch your toes. Or it will have bars for chin ups, and a post to squat against. Stuff like that. I didn't do any of it because I felt like a dork. But if I had been with someone, even the kids, I would have done those things, LOL. As a matter of fact, on the way back Briana & I walked a section of the trail & we did the step up thing. They have 3 posts of different heights. The first 2 weren't too high but the third one was really high, I couldn't get up on it, LOL. Maybe one day :P .

I am really going to try to keep up the walking. I really have no excuse. We have 2 parks within walking distance that have a nice trail with fit stations. One of the parks is on the intracoastal. It is a very nice park. Also, we live so close to the beach that I could walk down there, or drive down there within 5 minutes. Who wouldn't love to be able to walk on the beach of the Atlantic ocean pretty much whenever they want? And here I take advantage of it being so close. Even my friend Shari, who lives here is too far to just drive over & take a walk. When I can go there within 5 minutes. The only reason I wouldn't like to walk is because it is alot of work walking on the beach & it would take me a good 15 or 20 minutes to walk there. But I could walk down there, take a break & sit on the bench & watch the waves, walk down by the water & walk home. That I could do.

I have so much variety as for where I can walk & I don't take advantage of it. So, from now on, I am doing it. I know I can. A few years ago I started a routine of walking every night. I did it because we were going to Canada & I wanted to try to lose a few pounds before we went. I didn't weigh myself then. And I really wasn't eating healthy. I cut back on sweets but I still drank Coke. I did cut back. I also drank alot of water. But I wasn't losing weight then like I am now. I kept telling myself that I could still eat what I want as long as I exercised, HA, that was so not true :P .

I think about how much I could have been losing all this time if I had been doing some exercise & I kick myself, LOL. But that's okay. I am starting now. And I am on the right track. I failed yesterday with food but I made up for it today. I caved & bought chocolate. I bought 2 bags of Hershsy Kisses because they were buy one get one free. But, in the past I would have eaten & eaten the kisses. I busted those bags open as soon as I got in the car, LOL. I ate one Cherry Cordial & one Dark Chocolate (and dark chocolate is good for you :P ). Then after dinner I ate 2 more. I thought for someone who used to gorge on junk, that was pretty good. However, I also ate a Skinny Cow mint ice cream sandwich & earlier in the day I had a cup of coffee (with fat free creamer & splenda, but still) & a 100 calorie pack of cookies. That is alot of sweets for me in a day. I know better & I always do better but I was in a BAD mood yesterday & Kid didn't help matters, big surprise. So, I did better today. No chocolate, no 100 calorie packs of cookies, just 1 Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich.

So, now for the not so good news. And part of the reason I have been up & down emotionally. Kid is still not working, for obvious reasons, he still has a cast. Can't do anything about that. But we have no money, I don't even know how much is left in the bank & I don't want to check. I am actually going to the bank tomorrow to cash in some Savings Bonds that someone gave my girls quite a few years ago, like 5 years ago, I think. I have $400 total. It will be enough to pay the car insurance & get some groceries, the car insurance is something we cannot back up. Everything else is backed up. Kid has been home & he has been on my ass every motherfucking day about every thing. Today he wasn't so bad probably because I gave him some this afternoon. But he is unbelievably stressed out. He is telling me to call Terry for a loan. Like we could even pay it back. We are like 4 or 5 months behind on rent, luckily we have a great landlord but still. How are we going to pay all that back? He is still counting on some kind of lawsuit, which I am not. He says shit like we'll just move, get the fuck out of Florida. How are we going to do that? We can't even pay our bills, how can we afford the gas to drive ourselves out of here? Besides that, I am all for moving, but I am not leaving my stuff behind.

Ugggghhhhhhhhh. I really didn't want to drag all this up before I go to bed. Sigh..........

Whatever, I am done. I know this is so long, I just had a bit to catch up on. So, that is where I am.

Lice free, 30 pounds lighter & dead ass broke. Hey, that makes a better title for this blog, I'm going to use it :P .

Head lice......

I believe head lice are direct descendants from the devil. It has been a week since I discovered these absolutely useless critters residing on the heads of my children & myself. I do not understand the purpose of these things. They are not here to remind us to keep ourselves a little cleaner, as they much prefer a clean head. I guess that does say something about the cleanliness of my children, but still.....

Tomorrow (Tues.) marks the one week period since I waged full on war with these absolute pain in the ass bugs. And alas, I am still finding them in my girls hair.

Will it ever stop?? Will they ever be gone completely? Will life ever go back to normal, as we know it?

My kids were home for 4 days last week. We found them on Monday night when I shaved Zach's head. Then I ran out to the store, spent a small fortune on RID & lice combs. Then I slept on the couch so Kid wouldn't get them. Amazing how he didn't get them from us, but I will not question the how, just be thankful for the one lice-less head. Anyway, Tues. morning the war began. With Zach first, washing with Rid & some combing. Then Cheyenne, washing with Rid & a 3 hour session with the comb & the beloved 'nit-picking'. Then on to Briana, a 4 hour session with her. I did run out to the store to buy the house spray & the comb out gel for Briana. Then on to myself. The girls 'nit-picked' my head. Thankfully I did not have it as bad. I am guessing I got it because we share a brush, I should say we shared a brush & I laid on Cheyenne's bed every night after I read to Zach.

Then on Wed. we spent the day cleaning & bagging stuff up. I spent another small fortune in washing all bedding at the laundromat.

Thurs the kids washed their hair with shampoo that I added a ton of tea tree oil too. And another combing session. With me still finding nits & bugs. Friday the same but with less bugs. Sat. & Sun. the same combing. With me finding less & less bugs in Briana, but finding 7 live bugs on Cheyenne was rather depressing. Especially since the school specifically said she needed to be checked in the nurses office when she got to school. So, I kept her home today.

Another nights of combing brought only 1 or 2 bugs off Briana. And about 2 bugs off Cheyenne. I did end up finding 2 more bugs just before she went to bed. I also dried all their bedding, including pillows tonight. And I have vacuumed my couches multiple times. The paranoia in me has me vacuuming my couches before I sit on them, every.single.time.

I do not believe any of us is 'infested' anymore. We just have the few random bugs. I do realize that an infestation could happen again rather quickly. Which is why I am washing the towel they use after every shower, no reusing the towels by anyone. Drying their bedding every day after they get out of bed. Combing their hair every night after their shower & checking their head not only every morning before they leave for school, but picking through their hair multiple times through the day. Vacuuming the couches every day. And the next step in this battle, is a rewashing with Rid on Friday. With another long comb out session. Hopefully that will get the last of the devils minions.

I CANNOT take this anymore. I actually broke down & decided to spend the $30 on that Robi Comb thing. But Walmart did not have it. I couldn't stop at Walgreens on the way home because I had all the groceries. And I couldn't go out to buy it because Kid would have questioned where I was going. And he wouldn't understand the importance of this seemingly useless $30 expense. Especially because he is not working & we can't really afford the $30. But my sanity, the kids heads, & the schools, can't not afford it.

Cheyenne will be going to school tomorrow, whether I found bugs in her hair or not. She is 5 days behind. She is really going to struggle to get caught up. I cannot keep her home until they are completely gone, I just can't.

Ok, I just took a break from this to do some looking online. And this is how insane I am, I even went out to my van to get my flashlight so I could look through Briana's hair. Of course it must've tickled so she sat up in her sleep :P . Anyway, in my online reading, I came across this article about lice. And the thing that really caught my eye was this.......

Nits are not round, but oval. They are light-colored when first laid (yellowish or gray), but darken to a tan or coffee color as the embryo develops.

The reason this caught my eye, was because the last 2 times I combed Briana's hair, I didn't find many bugs but I did find alot of tiny brown looking things. I wasn't sure what they were, now I know, they are eggs ready to hatch, which means that she will have lice again, really soon. Damnit, I guess that is why it is so important to retreat with the Rid.

Also, the other thing I did, was look up Walgreens & called the 3 Walgreens closest to my house to see if they have the Robi Comb. One had a spot for it on the shelf but they are out of it. One had no idea whether they have it or not. And the 3rd said they didn't carry it at all. I also called CVS & they don't have it either. Shit, what am I going to do? I can't order it online because Kid will question why I am getting a package when we have no money. I can't go driving around looking for it because 1. I don't have the gas & 2. Kid is home, where can I tell him I am going?

GOD, I am soooooooooo frustrated, as you can tell *sigh* .

Anyway, enough about stupid gaoddamn head lice.

I guess I am just going to go to bed now. After a shower & a combing session on myself.