Failing

Until a person becomes a parent, they cannot possibly understand what it feels like to hold another person's life in their hands.  Every decision we make as parents affects our children.  Every word we speak, every mistake we make, every irresponsible choice.  And the worst feeling a mother can feel is the feeling of failing her children. It's not the first time I have felt like a failure, it won't be the last. 

In my life, I rely very heavily on support from a man that I cannot tolerate (hate would be too harsh of a word).  Yes, it should be a no brainer that he should just pay for our three children.  But the bottom line is, if he chose not to pay, in that moment there would be nothing I could do.  That feeling of fear of how can I provide for these three other human beings, that thought of "if I can't pay rent, what will we do".  Until you have felt it, you wouldn't understand it. 

I am a very positive person, I don't let little things get to me, I almost always have a smile on my face.  And yes I do know that no matter how bad I may feel in a moment that someone else has it worse & has felt worse.  But "look on the bright side" can't always wipe away that ache that a heart is feeling.          

What is happiness?

Does it mean you are content in your life?

I can finally say that I am content, I don't want anything at all & I have all that I need.

I have the three pieces of my heart, the three people who make everyday beautiful. They make me laugh, they make me angry, but they make everyday matter. If they can grow into adults loving life, being happy with who they are & just genuinely caring about the people around them, then I know that I have done my job. Yes, I walk a fine line between Mom & Anjie, I'm not one of those moms that says "my children are my life", but they are what makes my life complete.

I spent way to many years trying to make a man happy, for the first time in my life I am making myself happy. Every single person in life is dealt some kind of shit; you can wallow in it or you can pull yourself up, brush it all off & move on. Deciding to stay single doesn't mean he's won, deciding to stay single means I've won. I've won my life back & I'm living it for me. I'm not ready to give a relationship the kind of work it requires, I'm not ready to give that part of myself to another person. True love will sweep me off my feet. When it's meant to happen, it will happen, I don't need to seek it. And if it never happens, so be it, that's the way it was meant to be. And I couldn't be more happy with that :) .

I wanna talk about what I talk about...

in my beloved journal. As you can imagine, what I write on paper varies greatly from what I write here. These words I share, those words I don't. But I've been thinking lately, if I die tomorrow, people will read those words. At that point it doesn't really matter what people read, I'm gone, there are no repercussions, there are no embarrassing moments, just me, all me in my most honest form (not that I'm not me, all me all the time :P ).

Essentially though, that is my biography, right? The people who love me are going to read it when I die. I imagine my children going through my stuff after I'm gone & coming across my journals. What do I want them to read? At this point it doesn't even matter & I have no intention of changing what I write. But I want to be able to answer any questions they might have, there will be questions, there will always be questions, I know this because my mom has been gone for almost 9 years & I have so many questions. What I would give to have read a journal my mom might have written. To see her words, in her handwriting now, would be a priceless gift. I can't control my time on earth but I can control the legacy of me that I leave behind for my children.

Are answers always necessary...

or is it better to leave sleeping dogs lie??

If you know me then you know that my mom died 8 years ago :( , before she died she told me a secret. She told me that her & my dad had decided to separate & in that time she met a guy, a guy who was already engaged to another woman, they fooled around and I was conceived. For whatever reason he couldn't leave the other woman to be with my mom. My mom's history with men is not a very good history so who knows what the truth of the story really is. But she also told me that he knew about me & that she had taken me to see him when I was born. She told me his first name & where they met, she also told me that if I wanted to know more she would do whatever she could to find out information on him for me. At the time, I didn't want to know. Then the cancer came & took her from me.

For awhile I wondered about him, and had even toyed with the idea of contacting some dumb talk show like Maury but ultimately decided to just set it all aside, I figured that I would never be able to find him anyway, that was alot of years ago after all.

But then it hit me a few days ago, as I was looking at posts on a Facebook group full of old timers that remember so much about the history of Bloomington, how simple it would be to make a post asking about him. Or asking about my mom. I even looked through the names of the members to see if his name was there.

And then I got scared. Is this something that I really need to know? I am 36 years old & up until about 10 years ago I didn't even know this little bit of history. What could I possibly gain from this? What if he is everything I never had in a dad, but what if he is everything I never wanted? What if he is still with that same woman & she hates me for what my mom did? So many questions & too scared to ask them? Too scared of the answers...

Your God vs. my God...

Religion:

1. a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.

2. a specific fundamental set of beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects: the Christian religion; the Buddhist religion.

3. the body of persons adhering to a particular set of beliefs and practices: a world council of religions.

4. the life or state of a monk, nun, etc.: to enter religion.

5. the practice of religious beliefs; ritual observance of faith.

This word & the battle of beliefs have been the one thing holding me back from believing in God. Being a stubborn woman has always dictated my opinion on this matter. I don't want to believe in your God, what you believe in is your personal choice. And what I believe in is mine. Day after day I witness "holy" self righteous people doing the exact opposite of what they are preaching. I cannot bring myself to believe in their God. When someone throws their God in my face & tells me what I believe is wrong, I will get defensive & I will fight it. I don't want to believe in your God, in my eyes what you are preaching is the exact opposite of what is at my core, what is in my soul.

In Native American history (at least my perception of history based on what I have been told or taught), when a young warrior comes of age & he is sent out to meditate (I guess that's the right word), to find his spirit, he fasts & does not sleep until his totem comes to him. I feel like that warrior discovering my totem, or in other words, my God.

In my quest to learn about something that I believe in, that I didn't even realize existed, I came across a passage in this book, Many Paths, One Destination: Love, Peace, Compassion, Tolerance, and Understanding Through World Religions by Ram Ramakrishnan. Page 198 thru part of page 199, 'Love, the way to God' is very enlightening. To read this is to see the core of my beliefs in writing. All this time I have been fighting God, I have been fighting a belief that is already instilled in my very soul. Where this belief came from, I'll never know, but my God is a loving God. The way I choose to live my life, the way I choose to treat other people is a loving God that has always been inside of me, maybe I just needed to see it in writing with my own eyes.

Assume... to make an ASS out of U & ME

We have become a society where the words on a screen have become the only knowledge we have of someone & we form an opinion of someone based on those random words. We have stopped caring about who they actually are. Words are just words. I can say stupid shit all day long & you will ASSUME you know me. I drink a few beers & you ASSUME I'm an alcoholic. I flirt randomly with someone, because that is what I do & you ASSUME I want to sleep with them. When will you stop making up your mind about me & just freaking ask me?

Yes, we all do it, I do it too. But if I really want to know, I'm going to come right out & ask you. Communication is what makes relationships of every form work. Friendships will not last without honesty & communication. But in order to be a good friend to someone, you need to accept them for all their flaws & realize that they are no different than you. They struggle every day with life, with family, with love. The only difference between you & me is the way we react to a similar situation. Your pain & your problems are not bigger than mine nor are they less than mine. And making you feel less about yourself is NOT going to lessen my pain. So respect each other, love each other & live in peace together knowing that we are all here together, we might as well learn now how to do it with happiness.

Christmas...

I decided that I wanted a stocking this year so I made new ones for all of us. As I did Briana's name in silver glitter, I remembered the last time I did the kids names on stockings, he got drunk & threw Briana's stocking, smearing her name. The memory snuck up on me & hit me... hard. I don't want these sneaky memories to come out of nowhere. So I tried to battle it with a happy one. I mean, in 17 years together there had to be one, right? One Christmas that wasn't clouded by fights & his drunken anger?... No, not one Christmas that was truly peaceful. I can't even say that last Christmas was a happy peaceful Christmas.

Christmas is supposed to be full of love, happiness, peace, family, friends. But I am lonely, very lonely. I have great friends, true enough. And I have awesome kids, there is no doubt in that. I have a job, I have a vehicle, our needs are met, we aren't cold or hungry, we have clothes on our backs. All I wanted to do was give my children what they wished for on Christmas, and I stressed about it too much. But somehow I had forgotten that I have given us all what we have wished for for so long, peace at Christmas. For the first time in 18 years, there will be peace & quiet in our home.

So why can't I be happy with that? Why am I still angry with him? Angry with myself for spending so many years in unhappiness? Why can't I just look to the future & forget the past?

My rule of thumb...

is always "Don't let others get to me. I can't control how others act, only my reaction to them." Someone can only make me mad if I allow it. After spending half my life with someone that I loved, someone that I trusted, someone who's opinion mattered to me, someone who I allowed to control my emotions, someone who I allowed to affect my everyday life, my mentality... all by choice, I told myself never again.

So why did I let these miserable people get to me today? Because I am human & I can't be strong all the time.

It is so easy to sit there & tell me what I am doing wrong, to tell me how to do it, to tell me how to fix it, but on my side of the glass it's not so easy. We are all so very different & we think so very differently. Something that seems simple to you, is not so simple to me.

In a perfect world, a man & a woman meet, they date, they decide to get married & then have children, they take care of each other, they support each other through everything. Financial, emotional, physical, all of it, it is supposed to be a partnership. You are supposed to be able to trust this person you chose, because yes it was a choice.

But how do you know if your choice was right? You don't know, there is no way to know. Until one day you wake up in a miserable place in your head, all you can do is think of how you want out. Every decision you make brings you closer to that out until you finally break free.

What happens once your free? You don't know how to live so you live from moment to moment, no thought of consequences. You're free, that's all that matters.

Then reality crashes down on you, freedom doesn't taste so sweet. When the children you had together need more than you can give. When bills you never had to worry about because he took care of them start coming in. When your van won't start, you don't know what to do & he's not there to fix it.

What do you do then? You close your bedroom door & you cry & you cry & you cry some more. No, it won't fix any of it. So, pull on your big girl pants, wipe away your tears & do as you have always done, hope for a better tomorrow & smile.

What it is....

..... it's not getting down when you're not "the one". I like to believe you know, you just know when something is there. But along with that, you know when something is not there. It doesn't mean you aren't an awesome individual, it just means you aren't for them.

..... it's waking up & realizing that a friendship is so much more than you thought it was. It's realizing that you just fell in love with your best friend & didn't even realize it happened. But knowing you don't want to live without them.

..... it's making eye contact with someone across the room, feeling electricity & wanting to know more about them.

..... it's knowing that you want much more than sex so you take your time & truly enjoy someone's company before you decide to get intimate.

..... it's knowing in that place in your heart that there is a reason for your smile, there is a reason for those butterflies & enjoying every second of it.

..... it's knowing that while you don't have it now, one day you will, it will be special & magical, you will love every minute of it.

What it's not... it's not forcing something to be there that isn't. It's not settling just because you don't want to be alone.

Learning indifference...

I'm ready to reinvent myself, is this easy to do? It seems like it should be an easy thing to do...

Anyone who knows me knows that I am an open book. I guess I am very naive about people & the way they think. I don't hold back, I am a straight forward open-minded individual. But somehow my straight forward open-minded mentality backfires & my feelings get hurt, it makes me not want to be the person I am. Especially when someone shares their opinion of me & my choices with my daughter.

You don't have to agree with the way I choose to live... or the way I choose to love... or the way I choose to feel. But if you call me friend & you claim to care about me, then damnit you owe me basic respect, I would do the same for you.

Until you walk a mile in my shoes, until you've lived a moment of my life, you don't know how I feel, you don't know what I need or want. And until my decisions affect you in any way, you are in no position to judge me. We all make mistakes that we have to live with, they are ours alone to own up to, no one else's, leave me to mine & I'll leave you to yours.

Skating away on thoughts of a new day...

I have been doing a lot of thinking the last few days.... ok, so I think alot all the time. People have a tendency to be quick to judge a person for their actions & decisions. Why is this? I am the one to suffer the consequences, I am the one to look in the mirror every day, I am the only one that has to live with myself. I will not tell you that what you are doing is wrong... why? Because I don't have to live with it, you do.

I have also discovered that I have very little faith in people, in men especially. It's not a mentality that I want to have. But as I sat in my van today, wondering how I have become this person, I realized something, I am a product of my childhood, I am a product of my mother. And as I think of all the men that I have had a close personal relationship with, none have ever been positive in any way at all, from my birth to my marriage. It really doesn't make me a bitter or angry woman, it just makes it very easy for me to just walk away from people. Walk away & not look back. It doesn't mean I don't care, it just means that my heart is prepared for the day they will eventually walk away from me, as they always have.

My dream of a life on the road is a way to protect myself, I think, if I am not settled, I cannot get attached to anything therefore I cannot get hurt nor will I hurt anyone.

How do you learn to trust, how do you learn to love? How do you change a mentality that has been instilled in you from a very young age??

It's been a minute or two...

I have a whole lot on my mind tonight.

Have you ever held on to something longer than you should have? Like say... A blanket you had when you were a child? Or a letter someone wrote you? Or a picture? Or a pair of pants that you want so bad to fit into but deep down you know you never will? Or a even a person, friendship, relationship?

And further more, do you ever ask yourself why your holding on to them? I guess it's human nature to hold on to things? Letting go of that baby blanket makes you feel less secure? Letting go of that pair of pants means your giving up hope? Throwing away that letter or that picture is a goodbye? Why is it so hard & so scary to look towards the future & to let go of the past?

I've been holding on to something, something that I need to let go of. If I don't let this go, I will have no chance of moving forward. I know this without a doubt but I am so afraid. Why am I afraid?

My whole life, every time I think I am ready to set something aside & move forward, I am drawn back again, like a moth to a flame. Until I finally reach that point where I am done with it & I step forward. I am ready to step forward. The unknown is always scary, but as humans we adapt. Life throws curve balls all the time, the unexpected happens & we're not prepared for it, but we adapt. And we move on.

So next time you pull out those pants, or that letter or that blanket, ask yourself if you really need it. And the next time I am drawn back again, I'll ask myself if I really need it.

Drama, I will not have!!

Just when you think you are making the right decision, you get that slap in the face that it was the wrong decision, it couldn't have been more of a wrong decision. The thing that gets me in all of this, is that this man thinks his behaviors & actions are normal & acceptable. The longer that I am away from him, the more I see how truly fucked up he is. And the more sad I am that I spent so many years living in that, blinded by misery & loneliness. I neglected my children because of my misery.

I'm a thinker, always thinking, always thinking about people & who they are, thinking about the decisions they make. Thinking about myself & why I am the way I am, so reckless & not giving tomorrow any thought, living for the moment & only for the moment. And I think that it has to be because of so much disappointment in life. The more disappointment a person is dealt, the fewer expectations a person has. I have never known a true & complete happiness, so I will take these happy moments as they come to me.

Which leads me to these man issues I have & why I won't let a man in? Again, disappointment. Disappointment in my father, my brother & my future ex husband. No man has ever been totally decent to me, well, there are a couple now that are... But I am so afraid of more disappointment that I will be content in what I have with the people I have it with, no chance of disappointment.

For the second time in 17 years, he scared me a little yesterday, of course my "I am woman hear me roar" attitude kicked in pretty quick it still scared me to the point that I jumped at little noises I heard last night. I will not ever be afraid again. I will not ever feel that way again. And if that means living single for the rest of my life... so be it.

A bright & shiny awakening??

So it all came to me the other night. I go back & forth all the time between not wanting to be alone, to wanting to be alone. To not wanting a man, to wanting a man. Yea, it's borderline bi-polar :P . I have issues, I know this. But I always wonder why? Why the confusion? Why is it not cut & dry? It should be simple enough right?

Nothing is ever simple, not ever.

When I was like 5 I guess, my mom & dad split & my mom became a single mother. She worked 2 jobs & I had to step up & become my mom's right hand with my little brother. We went to visit my dad when I was 7 & Jesse was 5, my dad said he woke up one morning & I was in the kitchen at 7 making breakfast for my little brother, he said "no way, this is not gonna happen here & now."

Well, as a single mother, how in the hell do I not rely on my oldest child to help me?? I am not angry with my mom for that. It made me happy to help her, she's my mom!!

But when I was 9 she met a man, a man she decided she wanted to marry. She didn't give us a choice. He was mean, impatient & mean. He smacked me around a few times. And at 15 she let me move out because of him. She let me go, a 15 year old child, because of a man. It was easier for her to let me go.

Without any kind of guidance, I moved in with the first man who showed me any kind of real attention & then I gave him 17 years of my life, half of my life. I don't regret that but would it be wrong to wonder how different life would have been if things had been different?

I am terrified of making the same mistakes my mom might have made. I do not in any way want my children to feel like me & my brother felt. I am terrified that I will make the wrong decision & bring the wrong kind of person into my life & the lives of my children. I just can't do it. can't do it to them & I am scared to give the wrong person any more of my life.

I feel so completely screwed up over this. I guess we all have daddy issues & babydaddy issues, huh??

I lie...

to myself all the time.

I do want a man. I want a man to come home from work, come up behind me while I am cooking, wrap his arms around me & kiss my neck right where it meets my shoulder.

I want to lay in bed at night talking about everything by candlelight.

I wanna watch a man with Zach, teaching him how to fish or playing football with him. Or playing wii with all the kids.

I feel like I failed my children at picking the man I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I wonder if I will be alone forever because I am too scared to let a man get close, and honestly, a big reason is because I don't want my children to be hurt again. I don't want them to be heartbroken again.

Day 30: The grand finale!!

Your favorite song.

I can't do this one, I don't have a favorite song. I have songs that are timeless, no matter where I am or what I am doing, when this song comes on, I stop & listen. I have favorite songs of the moment. I have songs that I love because they make me think of my mom. I have songs that I love because they helped me get through a tough time. I cannot in any way pick just one.

So this is the end of the 30 day challenge. I want to issue my own 30 day challenge, I'm going to sit & make a list of 30 questions that actually matter. Things that people actually want to know, LOL!! I made it, not quite in 30 days but it is done!!

Day 29: Lessons...

In this past month, what have you learned?

I have learned that I am way too old to party like a rock star.

I have also learned that taking the easy way is never really that easy.

I learned that I am really not that special, noone is. We're all just warm bodies breathing the same air, doing the same things, living to the best of our ability.

And I've learned that acceptance is the only way to true inner peace, but yes I struggle with it all the time. I don't want to accept some things damnit. I want it to be my way... but it's not ever going to be my way.

Day 28: Then & now...

A picture from you last year, and now. What has changed since then?

I'm too lazy to find a picture. Basically I am 10 pounds heavier & much more haggard. I don't sleep enough, I drink more, eat worse. Most of the time I don't know how to act & I say & do really stupid shit. I am immature & irresponsible.

The biggest change has been the separation from my husband. I spent 17 years with him. I feel like a ship lost at sea most days. While I don't want to be with him, he was an anchor. Yea, he bitched if the dishes weren't done so I did them. Now, he is not here to bitch, he is not here to keep me in line. And man, I am having a really hard time.

How is it even possible to despise someone so much but yet feel so lost without them? I do not want him here in any way, shape or form, but damnit, this is fucking hard. Why did this have to happen? Why does anything have to happen?

Day 26: Friends... again.

What do you think about your friends?

I think this one is kinda pointless. One must think highly of a person to call them a friend, otherwise what's the point. I love my friends, every single one of them!!

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

“It is by chance that we met, by choice that we became friends.”

“True friendship is seen through the heart, not through the eyes.”

Day 25: Necessities...

What I would find in your bag.




My journal & pen, my iPod, my wallet, my Walmart badge, Breathsavers, vanilla spray, brush, lotion, & other random crap. My phone is almost always in my pocket. I carry a clear bag for work & a purse on my days off, depending on my mood. Sometimes I just throw my wallet & phone in my pocket.