I lied.....

I'm still crushing.

Do you know how sad it is that I need to get drunk to enjoy sex with Kid?

Anyhow.....

I got a good compliment tonight. From one of the stockers. The conversation went kind of like this.... Well, no, I don't think it went like that at all, but this was the whole point, LOL.

C: You better watch out, you're husband is going to get jealous. He's going to start stalking you, thinking you have a boyfriend.

Me: He already thinks I have a boyfriend.

C: Well yea, look at you.

Everyone has been saying nice things to me. But why is it so hard for me to see it??

I am a mental case.

I nearly ran into my crush today & it scared the crap out of me, LOL. I came around the corner as he was coming around the corner & we both stopped dead. He put his hand on his chest. I didn't even think he was working today.

For some reason today I saw him sooo much. Everywhere I went, he was somewhere around. He went to the bathroom & he cut through self checkout, which he never does. I was in the backroom & he was there for a minute. I went out to break & he was going in. I got my share of eye candy today, LOL.

Okay, I'm buzzin' a bit so this is going to seem sporadic.

Kid is falling more in love with me as I am falling more out of love with him.

You really want to know what I hope 2009 brings me? I want to be single, I desperately want to be single. This is how 2009 should go for me to make me happy.

Kid gets his lawsuit & it is fucking fat!!!!

I haed to the dentist for implants & walk out with agorgeous smile.

Before the day is over I have money transferred to my account & Kid's bags packed by the door.

And this should all happen, oh, I don't know, IN FEBRUARY!!!!!!! For my birthday. That would be a most excellent birthday gift, I must say.

A little side note, I am slightly drunk.

I want to hold hands. I want to feel fingers through my hair. I want to feel hands on my hips. I want to feel lips on my neck. I want to feel arms around me.

I can get all of this, right now, but it's the wrong person.

I want a divorce with a booty call on the weekends, or any time, LOL. I just want to date. I want to be young & carefree.

I have started to wear bracelets & earrings & painting my nails. I am starting to feel more like me again. When I was fat, I wore what fit, didn't matter how it looked & I dod not, in any way draw attention to myself. Now I thrive on attention, to a certain point. I like to be noticed. I like when I make a guy nervous, LOL. I do retarded things, like hold my head a certain way, flip my hair, look up in a coy way, yea, I do all those retarded things. I like it.

But then I feel worthless. Acccckkkkk. I am so fucked!!!!

Well, I guess I better end this. I am drunk & I do actually have to work tomorrow afternoon, ugghh.

Oh, I almost forgot, we got foodstamps, $840 fucking dollars!!!!!!!!!! I think that is back payment, but whatever. I am so freaking happy!! I spent nearly $200 after work tonight, completely filled the deep freezer. I still have $600 something left. We are going shopping on Fri. I am so fukcing happy!!

Why the need to confess?

I don't know why I feel the need to confess everything, all. the. time. But I do think I figured out why I feel the need to confess to a certain person. I want him to know that his compliment did not go unnoticed. I feel kind of guilty for not acknowledging it at the time. It made my day actually & I don't know why I didn't say thank you, LOL. Well, I do know why, but that doesn't matter.

So, I guess I feel like if I say I think you are cute, then he will know that I noticed.

Ack, I don't know, I just don't know.

It shouldn't even matter, I'm freakin' married!! So very unhappily married, but married all the same.

So, I'm thinking I'll get drunk tonight & send a message then I can say, omg, I was so drunk, I can't believe I did that .

I really do want to get drunk tonight, I need the release, I want to do more than that but I'll be a good girl........... maybe.

I'm feeling a bit wordy today, so I'm sure I will be back at some point.

Sex & lies....

I wanted to write this last night because I was so emotional. Kid wanted sex, he said he wanted a quick one, I was not in the mood at 3am but then figured whatever. It wasn't quick & I tried so hard to enjoy it. I tried to conjure up mental images of other people & places but it just didn't work. I did not get off& when he was finished I started to cry. Not loudly, just tears & he didn't know. I went to the bathroom & forced the tears to stop.

I cried because I do not want any part of him touching me. He was making love to me, kissing me, touching me, being gentle & loving & I hated it. I am living a lie & it is tearing me up inside. I can't tell him because he won't listen. I tried.

When will all this be over? When will I be free? How can I possibly get away?

I am drowning.........

Concussion?

I think that I have a concussion. All the symptoms lead to that.

Almost 2 weeks ago, I was reading to Zach, I got up to get something & when I came back, as I was going to sit on the bed, I hit my head on the wall, right at the really hard part at the back of my skull. I hit it so hard that my head bounced off the wall & the girls heard it all the way in their bedroom. But since it didn't leave a bump or hurt for more than a minute, I thought nothing of it. The very next day was when I started feeling like this.

WebMD

What is a concussion?

A concussion is a brain injury that is caused by a sudden blow to the head or to the body. The blow shakes the brain inside the skull, which temporarily prevents the brain from working normally.

Some people have obvious symptoms of a concussion (such as passing out or feeling lightheaded), while others do not. With rest, most people fully recover from concussions within a few hours to a few weeks.

On rare occasions, concussions cause more serious problems. Repeated concussions or a severe concussion may require surgery or lead to long-lasting problems with movement, learning, or speaking. Because of the small chance of permanent brain problems, it is important to contact a doctor if you or someone you know has symptoms of a concussion.

My symptoms:

• Feeling lightheaded, seeing "stars," having blurry vision, or experiencing ringing in the ears.
• Not being able to stand or walk; or having coordination and balance problems.
• Feeling nauseous or throwing up.
• Changes in your ability to think, concentrate, or remember.
• Headaches or blurry vision.
• Changes in your sleep patterns, such as not being able to sleep or sleeping all the time.
• Changes in your personality such as becoming angry or anxious for no clear reason.
• Lack of interest in your usual activities.
• Changes in your sex drive.
• Dizziness, lightheadedness, or unsteadiness that makes standing or walking difficult.

That is exactly how I feel. Do you think it could be a concussion?

I just hope I feel better soon *sigh*. I do not want to go to the hospital to have it checked out, I just want to feel better .

Yesterday's blog post.

I posted this yesterday at the other place, LOL.

First mistake of the day, I fucked up my green bean casserole. I forgot to mix the soup with milk & then when I tried to mix it together in the pan, the beans fell apart. I wasn't too heartbroken though because I was kicking myself for not using frozen beans. I scrounged in the freezer & found some frozen green beans & found a can of mushroom soup in the cabinet, so I saved that dish.

Then I noticed that I didn't plug in the crockpot with the stuffing. WTF?? I went to stir it & it felt cold & that was when I realized what I had forgotten.

Then I just discovered that I forgot to take out the freaking giblet pack from the turkey.

Jeez, what the hell is wrong with me??

I have felt like a complete airhead all day. When I nap, I can barely sleep, I can't shut my mind off. It races in a million different directions. I am starting to think there is something really wrong with me .

Kid is pissy & I can't care, which makes him even more pissy. I took a bath & he asked me if I wanted him to shave me & I said no, then he asked if I wanted help & I said no. How can I say yes??

But the kids had a good Christmas. They are very happy with what they got.

I talked to Terry, he sounded good.

I decided that I need a day for me, just for me. So, on Sunday I am going to go get my eyebrows waxed & finally get highlights. Then go have lunch somewhere & then go see a movie.

Of course I'm sure I'll come home to "Did you see your boyfriend, did you have a good day with your boyfriend, did you fuck your boyfriend?"

I'm back, we ate the dinner & went for a drive. It was nice, except Kid sat at the table saying how he didn't belong here. Then as we were leaving he was saying shit like "You all go off to look at lights while I stay here & do dishes." My response was "You went to see Joe & Tiger from 11 to 3 while I stayed home & cooked."

Yea, he was basically drunk & passed out before we got home.

I wrote in my journal last night, something that I am so embarrassed about, something that I am still debating about posting. You know me, I'm sure I will post it...... later. I just can't keep a damn thing to myself. You must think I am psychotic.

Well, I'm off for a bit, I may or may not be back to post my embarrassing "secret".

Buzzin' blogging.

I have that warm fuzzy feeling all inside, I like it.

I am bored so I'll blog. S came on yahoo & it was obvious where his mind is at & I am just not in the mood. I haven't talked to him in ages & really don't feel like "talking" tonight.

I am so disillusioned right now. I feel so negative & cynical. Kid is all insecure & whiny, lucky for me he is really tired & has to work tomorrow, so he fell asleep.

I have had this headache all week, right behind my eyes. My head feels all cloudy. I am thinking it has to be sinuses. It has me in a bit of a shitty mood. I didn't say hi to him when I came home & it just ruined his night.

I have so much going on in my head like all the time.

Crazy weird thoughts. I am having weird dreams. I dream about people all the time now. I just can't shut nothin' off.

I decided I need to eat healthy again. I actually had a salad with my pizza tonight & it was sooo good. I wanted to lick the plate when I was done.

People are so weird. I actually had a lady get mad at me today for the way I was bagging. She said something like she wouldn't be able to pick up the bag, I immediately wanted to be shitty & put one item in each bag but I didn't, I kept the smile on my face & said Happy Holidays in my friendliest voice!!

I had a guy try to sneak 2 18 packs of beer out. He kept his cart close to the register & unloaded from the end of the cart. He put one 18 pack up but said nothing about the other 2 & after he paid & was moving forward I saw one & said oh, I didn't see the other 18 pack, then I saw the 3rd one.

I get so pissy when I catch people who are obviously trying to steal. I take it as they are stealing from me. When I know they are not, they are stealing from Walmart, why should I care, LOL. But I can't help but take it personally.

And actually, they are stealing from me, from my bonus. They, the other employees, were expecting a bonus but we are being sued, already, a lady fell. Another lady fell a week or so ago. She slipped in vomit *gag*. I'm sure she will sue. There goes any bonus, out the door. Alex said "I wonder how many incidents the super centers have?" I wonder too now.
We have so many old people in our store. I just can't deal with grouchy old people. Grouchy old people & bratty kids, not my easiest people to deal with.

Most days I want to just crawl under a rock.

Kid makes my life a living hell with his mood swings & insecurities.

I am sorry this is so jumbled, my thoughts are jumbled.

I had a mother & daughter in my line first thing this morning, actually my very first customers, they were having a disagreement. The mom paid & walked off, she sat on the bench crying, while the daughter vented to me. I understand mothers & daughters fight, all the time, it is natural. But I wanted to tell that daughter that my mom died 5 years ago, I wish I could talk to her one more time. I miss her so much.

I was thinking the other day how I would just like to become Anjie, but part of me is afraid that my mom picked the name Anjare & I would be losing a valuable gift from her. But part of me thinks she wasn't as crazy about that name, I never ever, in my whole life, remember her calling me Anjare, she always called me Anjie, or Anjie Lu. My dad called me Anjare. Makes me think it was his choice.

One more drink & I am off to bed.

I see old couples & I wonder if they are happy or if they have just settled. I feel like so many people settle. I long for someone that I can feel like an equal too. I feel like Kid & I are both on edge all the time. I give him shit for drinking & smoking so he is always on the defensive. He gives me shit for being on the computer so I am always afraid to be on here, then when I am, I go on the defensive. I hate this life, hate it, with a passion. I hate every part of it.

Tonight I got bitched at for not bitching at the kids for their messes. I don't give a fuck about the messes. I can barely crawl out of bed in the morning, I just don't give a fuck.

Zach is hooked on the computer, it is so damn cute, LOL. Tonight I painted the missing letters on the keyboard with white nail polish, just for him, it is rather odd looking at the keyboard now, LOL. I should take a picture.

Every time Kid says you don't want to be with me anymore, I know it, I want to SCREAM at him "You are so fucking right!!!!! I don't want to be with you, I keep telling you that!!" But you know what stops me, the memory of the night I told him how I felt & he touched me all night & cried about me wanting a divorce. No matter how many times I told him not to touch me, his hands were on me.

I can't bare the thought of him touching me. I hate this. I am actually afraid that I will never want to be touched again.

I feel so fucked in my head.

Well, my drink is almost gone now. I am so tired, lots to do tomorrow.

Thanks for reading my mess, if you got this far.

And what stupid thing did I do today?

I confessed to Kid that my grandma & Terry sent me money last year. Why did I do that? Maybe I was ready for a clear conscience. Maybe I was hoping it really wouldn't be a big deal. Yea, smack me up side my head, I should totally know better. All this came about because my grandma sent a check today for Christmas. I just let it out. I told him I didn't tell him last year because I wanted to blow it. I thought he would make me deposit to pay bills. I told him the truth. He laughed it off at the time. But now tonight it's all about you lied to me, why did you lie to me. You don't love me because you lied to me.

If we are going to talk about lies, then what about the smoking lie. Every time he comes inside he smells like smoke & he even tastes like it when I kiss him, but he says no no no. This morning I walked outside to ask him something, he wasn't in the chair, but his paper & coffee were, I knew he was smoking, so I went to his car & caught him lighting one.

That is a lie, a flat out lie. But no, my lie a year ago is bigger & worse. His daily lies are nothing.

But I won't go on about this.

Life is basically the same. Christmas is next week, I am basically ready though it really doesn't feel like it at all this year, I don't know why. I just want it to be over with already *sigh*.

Tomorrow is our pot luck at work. I couldn't figure out anything to make, and then I remembered that I had sweetened condensed milk & I thought about those 7 layer bars. I amazingly had all the ingredients so I made those & they smell divine, LOL.

I have to start eating good again. I have been eating so bad ever since I started working at Walmart. Too much junky food at my fingertips. Plus we are eating like shit here at home, it is so hard to be motivated to cook when I am working so much.

I desperately want to quit the cleaners but I can't just yet.

I have a crush on this guy who works in the deli. He is really cute & funny. Though he doesn't talk to me, LOL. He did call me pretty the other day & I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. But now he doesn't even acknowledge me, oh well. I am a married woman after all. It's just a little crush. I am not pursuing anything at all, I am not stupid.

But I did wonder, not that I could ever do it, I wondered what it would be like to be single, as in no kids, no husband. I think that at 32 it is natural to wonder that. I have been a mom & wife my whole adult life, I don't know any other life. I said to Kid the other day I wonder how we would be if we didn't live our lives for our kids. I didn't tell him that I knew I wouldn't be with him.

Well, I better go now, for real. I'm getting sleepy. Nite!!

Kinda funny, kinda stupid but totally me :P .

It is 2am, we are baking tomorrow & yet here I sit. Actually, I just sat down, with a piece of caramel apple pie which is absolutely divine.

I had to blog this though because it is a testament to how retarded I am .

After the kids finally fell asleep & after the Panthers beat the Calgary Flames in a shootout, which I had to watch online, which I got lucky enough to find online, I gathered my shopping bags from the closet to start wrapping gifts.

I bought 3 rolls of wrapping paper today, one of them I absolutely love. I have to have several kinds of paper under the tree, I am anal like that. I actually had at one point like 15 different rolls of paper, but I lost it all in the flood.

So, I'm just a happy wrapping mom... wrap..... tag.... wrap..... tag. All the gifts in a nice neat pile, 3 wrapped in this paper & 3 wrapped in that paper, etc, LOL.

As I get down to the last 3 gifts, it occurs to me that for the first time, everything is completely different. Usually there will be 3 of the same box because everyone got pjs, or books, or a movie. Not this time. This time every thing except for 2 boxes, is completely different, and those 2 boxes shake differently . And that was when I decided that I did not want these gifts tagged.

I want to be the only one to know who all these gifts are for. I don't want them to pick up a gift & shake it & say "Oh, I think this is ______, just what I asked for." I want them to wonder who it is for & then what it is, LOL.

But of course all the gifts are tagged. So, I very gently try to take the tags off, didn't work. It didn't rip the paper but it made for a white nearly see through spot in the paper. So, I then start to cut out scraps of the matching paper. And on a few, can you believe it, I even cut it out to match perfectly. But it is obvious that I altered these packages because my tape is plain old scotch tape, not the transparent tape.

Yes, I am anal. And I always will be.

Off to take some Nyquil & hopefully sleep in a bit.

Words don't mean a damn thing.

Kid & I had another one of those fights on Fri. night. He was just horribly annoying. All I wanted to do was IM with Quinn & have a few drinks. I wanted to enjoy my night off doing something that I find entertaining. But he had to get in my face with his lame, tired ass insecurities. He was so bad that I actually tried to leave, he stopped me from getting in my van so I took off walking down the street. He naturally got in the car & followed me. If I didn't have my freaking slippers on I would have kept on walking. I figured it was a waste of time to try to get away, so I turned around & came home. All he kept saying was get in the car, I'm sorry, I love you. But after we got home, he just went on & on. At one point I laid in bed just bawling my eyes out, hating all this so much. I got up to go in the kitchen & he ran after me. He just kept at me, constantly.

I told him that I cannot stand him when he has a buzz & if he doesn't quit drinking, then I am leaving. But those words don't mean a damn thing if I don't do it *sigh* . Just like his words don't mean a damn thing to me.

I have always felt that a person should not force another person to quit something. I do not want to force him to quit drinking, I just can't stand him when he is drinking. So, if he expects me to stay with him, and love him, he needs to quit, I'm sorry but that is how I feel.

He won't quit, I know this, so I am just bidding my time until I can leave.

Sat. he was of course sober & apologetic. But very reserved & quiet. He decided though, at the last minute that we should throw caution to the wind & go to the hockey game. We did have a good time, $150 later, even though the Panthers lost, really bad!!

I never did finish my blog about camping, now I am too tired & I don't have the time in the next week. We are baking this weekend & I have a bunch of shit to do to prepare for it. So, in a nutshell, we had a great weekend. I will upload the rest of the pics though, I got some good ones.

I am getting sick, I feel like shit. I cannot get sick, I mean it!! So I just took some Nyquil & a Cold Eaze (?). I'll also be taking Echinacea before I go to bed. I just absolutely cannot get sick!!!

Okay, off to bed now. Nite!!

Eggshells.

Walking on eggshells, that is how I live anymore, actually that is how we live anymore. I say someone is cute, he assumes I am looking for someone else. I am too tired to have sex, he assumes I don't love him anymore. If I come on the computer, he says I love my computer more than him.

He even says shit to Cheyenne, that I don't want to be with him anymore, that I don't love him. She got so sick of it last night that she snapped at him & it pissed him off. Maybe a 13 year old shouldn't snap at her dad like that, but I know for damn sure that a dad shouldn't be laying his fucking insecurities at his 13 year olds feet.

I can't do this.

I cannot be myself in anyway. I have to sneak to come online & if he hears me typing, he comes around checking to see if I am chatting with anyone. I have to baby him & his feelings & I can't fucking stand it.

For the record, I have not talked to anyone online in such a long time.

I do realize that it is my fault, that I brought it on myself. But what the fuck did he expect me to do when he treated me so badly for so long. It's not like I went out & got physical with someone, I just freaking chatted, that is it!! Get the fuck over it, set it aside & move the fuck on!!

I really think that I do not love him anymore. I am trying. I think that I want to. But I just lose patience with this immaturity.

No, he is not what I want anymore. I know he sees it, feels it, and that is where alot of his insecurities come from. No matter how nice he is, when he is sober; no matter how loving he is... when he is sober; I just can't find it inside myself.

I guess I thought & hoped that if he changed, my feelings would change, but I guess it really is "too little too late".

Thanksgiving Camping Trip

So, I had to work on Thursday until 12:15, they really needed me to stay but I really didn't want too. I also figured that since I was already losing the time & a half pay because of taking off on Friday, then what was the point. I needed this break. I had a million things to do before we left anyway.

We left here at like 3:30 & got there at almost 5:30. They still have a lot of the campground closed off so there weren't very many spots to choose from, the one we ended up picking was site 13 & it was perfect. After we pulled in & got out we realized that we had been there before, at that site, it is huge. We camped at that site when we camped Feb of 07, when it got to like 30 something at night, LOL.

I took this picture on Sat.



One thing we did notice is that alot of the vegetation through the park has been burned. We think that it was from precsribed fire as opposed to natural wild fires. The pine lands thrive on fire so they periodically prescribe fire to help simulate what nature is meant to do.

I was a little disappointed at first because I thought it would take away from that private feeling we always got when we camped there but really it was fine. They really do have the layout in that campground set up very nicely.

We got the tent set up before dark but we ended up setting up everything else in the dark. It wasn't as bad as I had always assumed it would be. Then we settled in around the camp fire at about 8pm to enjoy a nice Thanksgiving meal consisting of grilled cheeses sandwiches & smores.

It got down in the 50s that night so it as quite chilly. I actually woke up alot through the night, basically whenever I moved & hit a cold spot on the bed, which was wherever my body was not at, LOL.

We got up early on Friday & had bagels & coffee/hot cocoa, while waiting for Kid to arrive. He got there around 12, I guess. The kids were so excited. We had lunch & headed over to the Anihinga Trail to see if we could see any gators.

At the start of the trail.




The Everglades are still very very wet for this time of the year, I was quite surpised & very happy, LOL. Though because of how wet it still is, we didn't see very many gators. As the dry season continues, the more the Glades dry up, then the gators congregate where the water is.

But Cheyenne spotted this little baby on the right side of the trail, a place we have never seen a gator before. He was so freaking small & soo cute, we just wanted to pick him up, LOL.



He looks like he is smiling, LOL.



Like I said we only saw a few gators, this big boy being one of them.





And this smaller one.



And we did see a few in the water.

I love this picture because of the way the clouds are reflecting off the water, it was just really neat. It was an absolutely beautiful day!!



But it was nice being together as a family. I felt kind of out of my comfort zone a few times, because we never do anything together as a family. It almost felt like dating, and introducing my new boyfriend to my kids, at least how I imagine it would feel like. It was kind of a bizarre feeling at times.



After the Anhinga Trail we walked the short Gumbo Limbo trail, reading signs & learning stuff, LOL. This was a cool picture, just a little water hole, but it looked so wild.



That is one reason I love the Everglades so much, there is so much wildness down there. Like when we walk the various trails, the boardwalks lead through a tangle of trees, it's hard to image people & animals being able to weave their way through.

Then a short stop at the Visitors Center. Where I bought a magnet to add to the fridge. I decided from now on, wherever we go, I am buying a magnet, it is a cheap & easy way to collect souvenirs.

Posing with the Panther, LOL.





Then we headed to Walmart to pick up some ice & ant spray, we managed to somehow put the table in a pile of red ants.

We ended up stopping at this little store not far from the campground, it was like 4:30, the sign said it closes at 5, but the reason we stopped was for ice, it was amazingly much cheaper than Walmart. The old lady was eating when we walked in & she gave us kind of a nasty look & asked what she could get us & when we said 3 bags of ice, she said "Oh" & her whole demeanor changed, it was quite funny, LOL. I'm guessing she was annoyed at the possibility of messing up her clean grill so close to closing .

Anyway, Briana & Zach wanted a picture with the rather fake looking gator in the parking lot.







When we got back to the campsite we decided to have the fire & make hot dogs before we headed back to the Trail to see if we could see the eye shine of some gators. I just love that trail at night. Again, we saw a few, not much at all though, but at least Kid could get an idea of what we are always talking about.

We relit the camp fire & ate smores. Zach crawled up in my lap & fell asleep. I just loved holding him like a baby again. I grab those moments whenever I can!! However, because he fell asleep the way he did, he ended up peeing the bed. Thankfully I always prepare for anything so I was able to change him & the sheets rather quickly. The kids all settled in the tent & fell asleep pretty fast.

Kid & I sat around the fire, talking, drinking beer, LOL. I told him alot of shit, I also told him that I feel like he doesn't trust me & he needs to set everything he has read & heard aside. I have set a bunch of shit aside & now it is his turn. I'm not sure if he can or will, but I said my peace. I am quite happy with the way that night turned out.

Alright, I am really tired. I'll finish this tomorrow before I go to work. I don't have to wotk at the cleaners & I don't start at Walmart until 2:30 so I'll have the whole morning. I won't be able to do much cleaning as I hurt my back, so no bending for me.

I also had my second phone interview today for food stamps. It looks promising, I hope *sigh*.

Okay, night all.

Unexplainable.

I just couldn't explain to Kid why I feel so depressed. He automatically thought it was because I'm not happy.

I left work early, like 2 hours early. I shouldn't have but it was so dead & I just didn't want to be there. Then I nearly burst into tears as I was heading home from work. I then fought off the tears all night long.

I don't know where it is coming from. It can't be because of work, I have a nice long 3 day weekend coming up.

Zach is having tooth pain & that is hard, especially with camping this weekend. He has a cavity on a tooth that has already been filled.

I just made up my mind, when I looked in the fridge & realized the jello I bought is sugar free, that I am going to start buying sugar free everything. I am going to buy sugar free drink mixes, all the sweets I buy, I'm going to be sure to buy all of them sugar free. I'll even start buying sugar free cookies.

In the mean time, I hope it works, Kid is going to take him to the doctor tomorrow to see if they will give him antibiotics. That will help with the pain right? And I will call to set up an appointment with his dentist. His dentist is only there on Fridays & Sat. & he can't wait until this weekend, besides we won't be here. Uggghhhh, I'm so tired of this. It's just because he eats so much shit. And it's all my fault, makes me feel like a bad mom. *sigh*

Well, I'm tired, better get some sleep, work tomorrow early, phone calls to make & cleaning to do.

Do you believe in signs?

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. Not sure if it is fate or whatever but for every action there is a reaction, and I believe the majority of the time, the reaction was probably already meant to be, understand what I'm trying to say here, LOL?

Anyway, the reason for all that mess, Kid told me the other night to just take the kids camping next weekend. I said no, we don't have the money, the van needs a water pump, camping is a lot of work, I'd have so much to do before we go, blah, blah, blah, every excuse you can think of, I had it. But they are very legitimate excuses.

As I was pressing yesterday morning & thinking about how much life sucks, LOL, I told myself that I was going to stop at Publix & if they had firewood, it was a sign, a sign that we are meant to go camping. And they had firewood, a shit ton of it, LOL. (We had a cold front this week, the lows were in the 50's all week, which is why they had firewood, they do every year but not usually until after Thanksgiving.)

The thing is, I have next Saturday & Sunday off. On Thanksgiving, I work 8:15 to 12:15, I am scheduled to work on Friday, 9:45 to 6:45. I was going to check the schedule to see who is off on Friday & see if I can switch with them, like for Monday, because I am off, but then said fuck it. I was concerned about missing the hours, that would make for a very small paycheck, but actually, I was scheduled to be off on Tues & Pat asked me if I wanted to work & of course I said yes, so there you go, my paycheck won't be any smaller at all.

I have not missed a day of work since I was hired. And I take great pride in that, LOL. But I decided that it's a job, I won't get any special rewards or bonuses, LOL, it's just a job. Yes, it is a responsibility, a necessity, what ever, but I need this weekend, we as a family need this weekend. But I admit, I do feel a little guilty for calling off *sigh*.

I miss my kids like crazy!! Cheyenne was texting me last night, keeping me updated on the game, I told her I wished I was watching with her. And she said she wished I was there too, that she misses me. I swear I nearly cried.

I worked 57 hours this week, 7 days, from Saturday until today (Friday). I have worked nearly 2 weeks straight. The reason I bitch & complain all the time about it is because I don't fucking want to do it. I am not a workaholic, I do not get pleasure from all this, honestly, all I fucking get is a small ass paycheck & a big ass headache.

Anyway, back to camping. When I told Kid that I made the decision to go, he was pissy & bitched a little. But after I asked him to go to & he really started to think about it, he was all happy & excited about it. He went to work today so he is going to get the water pump fixed tomorrow. He won't come down with us on Thurs, he'll come down on Friday but he is staying until Sunday. And I am actually excited about that. He has been so good to me, well, to all of us lately.

Alright, I am done, I have a migraine & a bunch of shit to do, so I'm going to go.

By the way, I don't think it was Jesse. If Jesse was here, he would be hanging around by now or at least I would have seen him by now. I am extremely relieved!!

Freaking the fuck out.....

I am sitting back here, listening for every little sound, but yet too nervous to look out the window.

Kid told me that today when he took Cheyenne to Payless they saw someone who looked just like Jesse; dressed like him, had a hat like him, walked like him & Cheyenne even said he smoked like him. Kid said that if that guy wasn't Jesse, he is Jesse's twin. Now seeing a guy walking down Federal highway, not far from our house wouldn't really be all that scary, but Kid then said he saw that guy first, walking at the end of our street but didn't get a good look at him until he saw him again, by Payless.

I did already have Kid check the front & back before he went to bed but I am just really freaked out, hearing all kinds of noises. I really really hope that it is not Jesse. I really can't deal with him right now. But more than anything, I want to know.

Kid was good to me last night, he did come back to the kitchen & put all the food away. And he did rub my shoulders & feet. He did all the dishes today, he folded all the laundry, fixed my bag of food for lunch & cooked dinner for the kids.

I am not as tired tonight, Sharon let me go at a little after 10, I was so happy. As much as we need the money, I don't need to be killing myself either.

Well, that's all I got, going to bed now. Another long one tomorrow. Nite.

Pity party for one please??

I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed & I don't know how I am going to make it.

How do people do it, this 2 job, 7 days a week bullshit, how do they manage it?

My house is a fucking wreck, not that that is any different than before but now I truly do not have the time to clean it. We aren't eating good at all because I don't have the time to cook a damn thing. I need to go grocery shopping but I don't have the time.

My schedule right now:

Saturday, we got up early & went clothes shopping for the kids, they needed some warm clothes with winter officially starting, came home just in time to shove food in my mouth & change, then off to work from 3 to 12.

Sunday, basically the same except I slept just a little later, like 10 or 10:30 I think, off to Target, home in time to eat lunch but Kid was here to pack my food for me, then off to work from 3 to 12, was supposed to be 11 but 2 cashiers called off & Cheryl didn't want to stay alone & I wouldn't leave her alone, that's not very nice, LOL.

I cannot remember when my last day off was, I think it was last Saturday or maybe it was last Monday.

Anyway, I didn't get home until nearly 12:30 last night, had to do a load of laundry all because I told Kid not to do it, why would I do that, uggghhh?? So I was climbing into bed at 1:30. When I woke up at 7, I literally felt like I had just closed my eyes.

I went to work at the cleaners. All I could think about was coming home to take a nap before I went grocery shopping. Then she came back & asked if I could work late & I said yes, like a dumbass. At one point I almost cried because I was feeling so sorry for myself, lame, I know. I do all of this for what?? Well, then I started thinking okay, how late is late, maybe only 1, that is not so bad. But then she came over at 12 & asked if I could work until 2 & I said yes but I had to eat. After lunch she then came over & asked if I could work until 3.

There went my whole afternoon, no time for a nap, no time to grocery shop, as I had to pick up all the kids at a little after 4. So I went to Walmart to exchange a shirt that I bought Zach & return a bunch of jeans the girls didn't want.

What do I do when I get depressed....... eat & shop. The 2 things that are killing me. I bought a new toaster oven & a new teapot.

Ok, back, had to leave for a bit, take the girls for new sneakers & go to Walmart for some food stuff, a small grocery, for the week.

I was talking to Kid about all this & I nearly cried because I was thinking about all this shit, all this working & between all this, I have no time at all for myself. No time to do something I really want to do.

I am just really tired & really depressed, it's also that time of the month already & that is totally fucking with my head.

Okay, a funny little story & then I am off to take a hot bath & hopefully get my feet & shoulders rubbed, I am aching all over tonight.

So, this old guy, he stocks at night, well, he isn't old, I think he is 43, he was talking to me while I was on lunch last night. He was telling me about how he works 3 jobs but what he really wants is to get his business going. I asked what kind of business it was & he said he sold stuff, like watches, sunglasses, clothes...... lingerie. He then shows me this paper with the lingerie on it, this is not your classy Victoria Secret lingerie, this is like nipple-less bras (with the chic sqeezing her nipples, thank you) & black leather looking stuff, really sleazy stuff, LOL. I was like, OMG, I am looking at this in the freaking break room at Walmart, I was nearly blushing, LOL.

Well, then he hands me this fat, like 1 inch thick catalog & all I could think was oh boy, what could this be, LOL. Imagine my surprise when I opened it to discover TOYS!!!!! I was blushing over the lingerie, imagine what I was thinking now!! Needless to say, I wasn't very comfortable looking through it in the break room, what if Pat had walked through or something, LOL.

Well, I guess I am done. Kid worked today, so he is oh sooooo tired & wants to go to bed, leaving me to work on laundry & put away the food from dinner. I think I'll eat a chocolate bar first. He won't rub my shoulders until I take a shower & I am far from being ready for a shower yet, so I guess he'll be asleep.

Yea, it is time for that candy bar *sigh* . Don't mind me, I'm just feeling sorry for myself like a big fat loser.

Oh, by the way, in the next 3 days, I will only see my kids for 15 to 20 minutes in the morning :( . And for about 2 hours on Thurs. My schedule will be 8 to 12 at the cleaners & 3 to 12, possibly 11 at Walmart for the next 2 nights & 8 to 1, 2, or maybe even 3 at the cleaners on Thurs, then 7 to 12 at Walmart. That makes me sad.

I wish....

I could be less of an 'all or nothing' kind of person.

I desperately want to go camping at some point this winter. There is most likely no way in hell we will be able to go for 3 nights. I want to just be able to throw the tent in the van with the bare necessities & just go for a night or 2, but I don't know if I can possibly do that. I start with saying okay, we need this & this, but then we might need this & oh wait, this is important & we can't forget this & before you know it, it's taking 3 hours to load the van & it is packed to the roof.

This coming weekend would be ideal. I am off on Friday & Saturday, and I don't have to be at work until 3 on Sunday. I could throw caution to the wind, throw the tent, chairs, the mattresses & sleeping bags in the van; load the cooler with food & some drinks. Camp Friday & Saturday & be home on Sunday. It won't happen because 1. the money is always an issue, 2. I need a water pump for my van, 3. money, money, money.

*sigh*

I better go. I have to work at some point tomorrow & I told the girls we might be able to do a little more shopping.

Fucking annoying.....

Kid's been drinking & not only that, he bought a case of beer tonight so that means he will be back to drinking every night.

He sat here, blah, blah, blah-ing at me about stupid shit, looking at me with that glazed over dumb ass look on his face. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I have a headache, have had it all night, my eyes hurt, I feel sick, I'm just going to go to bed. I told him I just need to go to bed. Then he said "What, do you want to talk to someone, is that why you want me to go to bed?" He apparently heard me tell him to go to bed.

What the fuck?????

I hate when he has been drinking, hate it, hate it, hate it!!!!!!!

I'm working 3 to 12 tomorrow & 3 to 11 on Sunday so I won't have to deal with it but for a short time, thankfully.

Well, I just wanted to bitch, I'm off to bed, I need to get rid of this headache. Plus I need to be up kind of early in the am to take the kids clothes shopping, cold front coming & they need some stuff.

Nite.

My life has been....

sooooooo boring.

Work, come home, work, come home.

I am completely depressed over my teeth. I have a front tooth that has a big chip, has had a big chip for a long long time, well, it is chipped worse & I am so afraid it is going to just break right off. I just want to cry. So, I'm going to make some phone calls & see how much it will cost to have it pulled, along with 1 more that is broken very low, that is on the top, more towards the back & get a 3 tooth partial (I am already missing a front tooth). I don't have any money but I need to see how much it will cost.

Kid's mom did bail us out with a little bit of money. I did make $576 total (between both jobs) this week. And Kid is working tomorrow & hopefully some next week.

The biggest reason I didn't pursue the CSM job, and you are so going to think this is lame, but it's because of my teeth. I am not comfortable talking to anybody at all. And the CSM has to talk to everybody. My teeth have hampered my personality in more ways than I could ever explain, there is just know way I could make you understand how I feel about them . When I talk to people, all I can think about is how hideous my teeth must look. When people talk to me, I can barely look them in the ey, my eyes are so busy staring at their teeth. It is just so fucked up.

Anyway........

I had my 90 day evaluation. Pat is very pleased with me. She knows how badly I want to go full time so she is going to see what she can do for me. She was so excited that I had perfect attendance, she even told Frank, the manager. Of cousre he said "Anjie, Anjie who?" Because I am so freaking quiet . However, I did find out that they no longer give a raise after 90 days so I will be making a lousy $7.65 for the next year before I get a raise. So, I have to admit, if I could find a better paying job, I would quit Walmart, I don't like my job that much. But sonce there isn't any work out there, I'll stick it out, it is a job.

Mariella is giving me a raise. Starting next week, I'll be making $8.50 with her. If I didn't hate pressing clothes so much, I'd quit Walmart & work more with her.

Work drama......

In the past week or so, 1 cashier arrested & 1 cashier fired for stealing. The cashier that got arrested, she let her girlfirend come through her line with like 2 or 3 baskets of groceries, totalling $600 something, then tried to run a bad check 8 times. They suspended the transaction & pushed the carts over to customer service, where she then called her girlfriend & told her to just come in & take the carts & push them out the door. This all happened on Sunday, just before I got there. When I got there she was being interviewed by the police in the back. I couldn't believe it.

The other cashier got fired for taking money out of the register.

One of our department leads had given a little pep talk just before the store opened saying how he hoped we were all there for a long time & he especially didn't want to see any of us taken out in handcuffs, think he might have jinxed it? Me, I thought, there is no way that any of us would be taken out in handcuffs, LOL. I have been so naive. I have been incredibly naive about customers too. I guess it is time to become more diligent, people have been stealing right under my nose, people I would never suspect, they make me feel stupid *sigh*.

Kid......

He is still being so nice to me. He rubs my feet, he cooks for me, does laundry, the dishes, everything. I have found I can't fantasize about anyone else like I used too. I try & try. But I feel incredibly guilty. But I still can't fantasize about him. So I am feeling pretty tense, LOL.

Well, as boring as it has been, I managed to find some shit to write about. Sorry it is so long.

Is it Saturday yet?

I am tired.

Kid has drank like every night this week. I don't feel it so much when I am not here. But when I am, I just get so annoyed. I don't think he realizes how much I dislike him when he has a buzz. I don't like the way he talks & acts when he has a buzz. Even if he is being nice, he is unbelievably annoying. I know he thinks the reason he nearly lost me is because of how mean he was being, but it is so so much more than that. *sigh* I don't want this anymore.

He is working tomorrow, with Joe. He isn't sure how long he will be working so he could be making $80 to $100. He said all he needs is $20 for gas & maybe $10 for Cash 3 tickets & he'll give me the rest. Grrrrrrrr, lotto, fuck lotto. But I won't say anything.

The sad thing is, we, well more specifically, Kid, doesn't want Cheyenne to walk home from the bus stop, I know she would be fine. We have noone at all to pick the kids up, so they are staying home from school. He isn't sure if he will be home by 4 & my hours are 12 to 9 tomorrow. I could possibly take my lunch, which is an hour, at 4 to 5 or 4:30 to 5:30 but the timing on Cheyenne's bus isn't specific enough & I can't be certain I could take my lunch at that time. So, we said fuck it, they will stay home.

I made my phone calls this afternoon, I didn't get anywhere *sigh* so I went to bed. I'm going to call FPL tomorrow & see if they will still cut us off on Monday even though we paid $200 on the final notice, though I know I should just pay the other $96 & be done with it.

Well, that is where I am at right now. I'm going to go listen to the hockey game on the radio & get ready for bed.

Mid week stress.

We got a final notice today for the power bill, pay $296 by the 10th to avoid shut off. I just paid $200, I get paid on Friday from the cleaners, which will be around $136, I think. Plus I have $30. So, I'll deposit the $166 & pay the other $96 on the power & pay my Dell which is $50. Hopefully noone will need anything between now & next Thurs, when I get paid at Walmart.

I better do my direct deposit stuff on Friday at Walmart, I keep forgetting.

I also paid $200 on the phone, now we owe $358.

I have a bunch of numbers to call tomorrow afternoon that Shari gave me. I have one called Farm Share, I guess they help people with food. And a number for Utility help, maybe if I show them my final notice bill & my bank account, they will help pay for it. Then I can buy food. Oh & I am calling the food stamps place.

I think I figured out where I really screwed up, I already had a case number because the kids have Medicaid & then I applied for food stamps & didn't mention the Medicaid, I wonder if I could have applied under the same case number, probably not. Oh well.

I seriously feel like crying right now. It's just too much, too much to think about.

I never realized how wasteful Walmart is. We cleared off the shelves of Halloween stuff today. The animated candy dishes that cost like $10 or $15, bags & bags of candy, a few costume pieces, tons of little Halloween goodies; 2 overflowing carts of Halloween stock, all down the trash compactor, all of it, every last bit. Perfectly good stuff, in the trash. It just blew me away. I still can't believe it.

One great thing to happen this week, OBAMA ELECTED FOR PRESIDENT!!!!! That was amazing. This is the first year I actually followed it, the first year I voted & it was so exciting. Cheyenne was watching with us & she was even like "Wow, this is exciting, like watching sports", LOL. I am so proud that we as a country actually did something right. And now hopefully we will see some change, we have some hope, we need this!!

Kid had a really good buzz tonight & he turned kind of shitty right before he went & passed out. Yea, little glimpses of the old Kid. He has been drinking for a few nights straight now & smoking. He keeps saying how close he was to losing me, I don't think he realizes he is sitting on a fine edged sword right now & it won't take much to fall off. *sigh*

Well, I have to work at the cleaners tomorrow & I won't be able to come home & go to sleep like I do every day, LOL, too many phone calls to make. But I am off at Walmart so it should be an easy day.

As usual, I wasn't done.

Money, ugghh. I don't know what I am going to do, I just don't know. We got our new power bill & phone bill. The power bill is $504 & the phone is $568. I have $445. My next pay check is on the 13th & it will be $400 something, $450 maybe but the insurance will be due, $220. I do not see any light at the end of this tunnel.

I will be getting paid this Friday from Mariella & it will be around $128, I hope, though $50 of it will got to my Dell bill. I worked from 8 to 12 on Friday & 8 to 1 today, 9 hours, that is a good start, I still have 2 more days with her this week. But I cannot work past 12 tomorrow because I need to vote before I go to Walmart at 3. I have no idea how long it will take so I want to give myself plenty of time.

Plus I still have to figure out how to feed this family.

However, I am not worried, LOL. I am not very stressed about it at this moment. Why? Because there are no answers, none at all. I just live day to day, minute by minute. I leave all my money at home along with my debit card so I am not tempted at all, but it does make it tough when someone needs something, LOL.

Kid got drunk tonight. He is already asleep. I could go on MSN & talk to M. But he has been pretty harsh on Kid. I showed him a picture & he was shocked that he is my husband, he said he honestly thought that was my grandpa. And he cracked a bunch of jokes. Only I am allowed to joke about my husband GODDAMNIT !!!! Thankfully Kid is already asleep, he wasn't getting nasty but he was getting insecure, saying stuff like "Mama doesn't love me" or "Mama hates me", blah blah blah shit, shit that seriously annoys me.

I am on the 7th day of an 11 day work week. My next day off being Saturday, my last day off being last Monday. Most days I wake up & ask Kid what day it is.

I did much better today with food but not great. I did eat less candy though. I fought the urge until after dinner, but I ate 2 little packs of Whoppers which was 6 Whoppers & a bite size Butterfinger crisp thing, not a fun size, a bite size & half a Reeses stick that Briana didn't want. That is so much better than the night before, LOL. But I then had a very small bowl of fat free ice cream, low fat, low calorie ice cream, but still. It is such an addiction, sweet sugary yumminess.

I was drinking coffee again too. I was using Splenda but I was putting this yummy Peppermint Mocha creamer in it. I am not buying anymore of it, I think there is enough for 1 cup of coffee left.

I should feel guilty, Cheyenne is cleaning the living room right now, as I sit here typing this, while drinking a beer. But I don't.

Oh, the Sabres won, by the way , woohoo!! Ryan Miller rocks the NET!!! Alright, I'm done, I'll leave you alone now.

While I wait for dinner to finish cooking.

So, tomorrow is a big day in the personal history of my life, LOL. I am voting for the first time ever. I did my research this afternoon about the different amendments to Florida's constitution & I have my answers ready so I don't have to wrack my brain trying to figure out what the hell it's asking, LOL. However I have no idea about the local politicians so I'm sure I will be skipping over those boxes, can I do that?

I had a very serious conversation with myself last night, in the bathtub, LOL, after eating so much candy that I felt sick, for the second night in a row. I feel like I have been slowly sabotaging myself over the last few weeks. Part of it is depression & the comfort I get from food. Part of it is the lack of money to buy healthier foods. Part of it is the grab & go because I'm always working. Part of it is working in a place where there is so much variety of food always available. But really, in truth, it's all just excuses. So, I am climbing back on that wagon. I want to feel that happiness again from getting on the scale & seeing a loss, not a gain. I am only 4 pounds up from my lowest weight but at the rate I am going, I'll slowly start gaining again.

The Panthers suck, I love 'em but they suck. I keep saying at least they are better than last year & they truly are but I don't know why they just can't win. So Cheyenne & I have decided that we need a team we can be excited about, a team that we can say "YAY, THEY WON!!!!" So, we have been checking out Western teams, LOL. We can't love an Eastern team the way we love the Cats, because that would be like cheating on our beloved Florida Panthers. So, I think we are looking at the Calgary Flames.

Maybe you are wondering how we are coming to the decision of who to like . We are checking out the guys, man!!! The team with the hottest players will get our fan-ship .

We actually like alot of teams, both Eastern & Western teams, we only really dislike a few. We hate the Montreal Canadiens, Carolina Hurricanes (probably because they are always better than our Cats & they are in our division), & the New York Rangers. Cheyenne hates more teams than I do, Detroit Red Wings being one of the biggest, LOL.

Well, dinner is done, the Buffalo Sabres are playing the New Jersey Devils, GO SABRES, so I'm going to go eat & watch the game with Cheyenne.

A little randomness is always good.

I am slightly disappointed in Kid. Not really to the point that it will affect life or anything, LOL. It's just I was so proud that he didn't drink any beer today at all. None before the game, none at the game, at $7 a beer, it wasn't happening no matter what. Anyway, he came home & made a cup of coffee & put cognac in it. There went my pride in him. And I think he knows it, he is already in bed with his eyes closed.

Believe me, I know that he is an alcoholic & him drinking only a few beers here & there is a big deal to an alcoholic. But still.........

Work randomness.....

I am convinced that my IPH (items per hour) is so low because of all the time I spend standing there waiting for old people to dig out their money or figure out how to use the credit card machine.

It really freaks me out for some reason when these total strangers call me Anjie. I realize that is why we wear a name badge, LOL, but it just always makes me look around, like are they talking to me. For example, 2 customers, at the service desk, came over to have a key made. They were telling me how wonderful & beautiful our store is, LOL. Luane came over & they said to her "We were just telling Anjie how much we love your store." It just sounds so personal, LOL. Maybe I should ask them to change my name on my badge to Mrs. Turcotte . No, no, no, that sounds too old lady-ish.

At self checkout, when the machine says "Please check your basket for additional items", I think it's freaking funny that the majority of people check their basket!!

Nothing happened with that check, no big deal at all. Me the worry wart.

I am completely addicted to Fruit Loops.

Last night, in my email, I discovered I over-drafted my bank account *sigh* .

The Panthers lost tonight *sigh* .

I am so depressed that I cannot provide the things in life that my children would most enjoy. I cannot even provide the basics most of the time. I find that to be the most depressing thing of all.

Well, hell, it is midnight. I still want to upload my game pics for you all to see. So, I guess I better end this. Nite. Tomorrow is going to be a long one.

Queen of mistakes.

I believe I belong on self checkout. As much as I hate it, I don't make mistakes while I'm there.

I made a check cashing mistake today, on an IRS check, I put in $10.07 when the check was $1007.00. I hope it's fixable. I don't think they are going to be that okay with a $1000 mistake, the $20 mistake was bad enough. *sigh* It is eating me alive. I just need someone to say "it will be okay Anjie, I promise". *sigh*

Tomorrow is going to be a very long day. I work at the cleaners from 8 to 11 or maybe 12. Come home, get changed & eat lunch & go to Walmart from 1:30 to 10:30. So, needless to say, I'm heading to bed soon.

I have nothing to say, how sad is that, LOL.

I guess I'll go to bed.

Is it Monday?

It sure feels like a Sunday. Except it is so quiet. The kids are all at school. Kid left to give this guy a ride, the guy said he would pay for gas & throw Kid a $100. I actually had to talk Kid into doing it, I guess the guy is FUCKED up, LOL & it is a 2 hour drive there & back. It didn't take much talking, I think after he thought about it, he knew he should do it. So I took a nice long hot bath & did some feminine maintenance, so to speak, LOL.

Things are going good here. I am taking every day as it comes. I can't say that my mind has been changed, but Kid is being very good to me, in so many ways. And I admit, I am enjoying it, very much. He is making my life a little easier. And he is also making me want to be better here at home.

Work is work. Nothing exciting there. I decided that I need at least 1 mental health day a week. One day where I have nothing I need to do, where I can just veg. Yes, working 7 days a week is totally doable, but I don't want to do it.

This is crazy, here it is Monday afternoon & I haven't seen Briana since Friday night I think, well, besides briefly on Saturday morning when she came in to talk to me. She left Saturday morning to go to her friends for a sleep over & didn't get home until Sunday afternoon, after I had left for work. So I'll be picking them up from school.

I think we are going to go to Walmart. I think I want to make homemade chicken soup for dinner, LOL. I haven't felt very good the last few days so I am thinking soup would be good, plus there will be lots of leftovers.

The weather is finally changing here, we opened the windows & they will probably stay open now. That will be a big help with the power bill.

Well, I think I'll go make a grilled turkey & cheese sandwich & get ready to pick up the kidlets.

Oh the hockey game (I just made my sandwich, LOL) was awesome!!! The Cats won, 4 to 3, my man, Zednik, scored his very first goal of the season, actually his first goal since the accident & I was there & I saw it!!!! We had a great time. I just didn't take very many pictures but I'm going to upload the ones I did take.

Okay, I am done, gotta finish my sandwich & get outta here.

Yesterday.....

was a bad day. I think most of it had to do with it being the first day of "that" time of the month. I was in a bad place mentally. I also fucked up pretty bad at work. It was a mistake, with a check. I was really busy & in desperate need of some food, so I was fading really fast.

Today, Fran (she is a really short, older lady, 50's or 60's), from cash office came out to talk to me about 3 different things, that fuck up being the biggest. My drawer came up $19 short because of it & there is nothing they can do about it. I asked her if I was going to be responsible for the $19, as if I need that. And she made me feel better, she said "I'm going to take it out of your ass." Everyone makes mistakes & I learned one. Knocked me down a few pegs too, LOL.

I am excited, we are going to a hockey game tonight, we need this, LOL. It's been quite a few months of no fun at all. Thank you Shari, for taking us!!!

I have also decided to take Monday off from the cleaners. It's one of my days off from Walmart, so I told Mariella that I can work Wed, Thurs, & Fri next week. So, Sunday night, I am hoping to get DRUNK!!! Maybe, LOL.

It's been a crazy couple of weeks; emotionally, mentally, physically. I've been on a rollercoaster & I am ready to get off of it now, please?

Well, I better go get stuff together for tonight. Going to go watch the Sharks kick some Cat ass, oh wait, I mean the Cats kick some Sharks ass .

Feeling really freaking......

blank!

I have no thoughts.

I don't want to be a mom.

I don't want to be a wife.

I don't want to be a friend.

I don't want to be an employee or a coworker.

I just don't want to be.

I don't feel right; not physically, not mentally. I am starting to wonder if my mental state is seriously affecting my physical health.

Kid has been unbelievably nice. He has been doing so much for me. And he has been trying really hard. But I am wondering if he thinks all this can erase 15 years of heartache? I want to be happy again. But how can I make that happen? But then tonight, he is mad at me, because I told him Sharon told me he told her he is leaving. He got pissed & said something about me believing them over him or something. And now he isn't talking to me. *sigh*

I slept pretty much all day yesterday. I woke up planning on going to work. Then decided that maybe I needed a day of rest. And went back to bed & slept until nearly 12. Got up, ate breakfast, left with Kid to run a bunch of errands. Came home & ate lunch & went right back to sleep, until after 6, almost 7, I think. Got up to fix dinner & then went back to bed.

All I want to do when I am home is sleep. I don't want to do anything at all.

I better call it a night. If I keep going with this, it will just get more & more depressing. Better if I quit now while I am ahead.

Change is in the air.

I am actually feeling quite happy right at this moment.

I can feel "fall" in the air. It is absolutely beautiful outside today!! Kid is going to clean all the screens tomorrow so we can open the windows again. That will not only let fresh air flow through the house, it will lower the power bill by about $100 a month.

I worked this morning but I left at 11. So it does feel kind of like a day off. It is really hard working 7 days a week, alot harder than I thought it would be. And when I say hard, I don't mean physically, I mean mentally. I have nothing to look forward too, no more, 4 more days until the weekend. What the hell is a weekend?

I do have something to look forward to though, a hockey game on Friday night. I am beyond excited. And Shari made it possible, yet again. She managed to get 5 free tickets!!!

So I might not be able to say only 4 more days until the weekend, but I can say only 4 more days until the hockey game!!

Kid is being so nice, unbelievably nice. Yes, the wondering thoughts, 'how long will it last' thoughts, are always in the back of my mind. But he is trying very hard. And that makes life a little more bearable. He did laundry this weekend, as in washed, dried, folded & put away. He does the dishes, he takes care of the kids, gets Zachs clothes out the night before. Makes everything in life a little more easy on me. And I am very appreciative. He hasn't drank anything in 2 days. He tells me he loves me all the time, calls me his sweetheart. He just told me before he left that he has loved me for so long, he doesn't want to lose me.

For the moment, I am trying to put all negative thoughts out of my head, no money worries, no life worries, just set it all aside, for right now. And I feel at peace.

I think I'll go take a nap.

Worst fight ever.

Thinking over it this morning, I could have handled the situation in a number of different ways. It is just as much my fault as it is his. But it did become physical. And I am hurting today. He grabbed my neck, from behind & pushed my head down. I don't believe I deserved it, but I was physical with him. And at one point I grabbed the keys from him & he grabbed me around the neck, with his arms, choking me, I was scared, I elbowed him in the groin. It was bad, so so bad.

The kids woke up & were so scared . It is so over, it is beyond over.

I gotta go, I have to get ready for work. I'll be back later, after work.

Will I ever learn?? Maybe it just doesn’t matter.

I was trying hard, very hard to keep the peace. Or maybe I wasn't really trying, maybe I was just pretending.

We are fighting again, all because I made one small comment. Out of annoyance, about the dishes. I know for a long long time I have been a fat lazy piece of shit, I know all this. I didn't clean, I didn't work; I sat & ate. That was what I did. He said he wasn't going to do the dishes any more, I said if I work & I have to do the dishes, get the fuck out. I was just annoyed. He blew it out of proportion.

OMG, I started this at 10pm & it is now 1am. Kid & I have been fighting all this time.

For some reason, I know that he is impossible to talk to, but yet I try & it bites me. I need to just shut my fucking mouth, he just doesn't listen. He takes in what I say & twists it around in his little brain & spews out the garbage that he hears. I fucking hate it!!

I told him everything, fucking everything tonight. I told him I talk to guys online to get something I don't get from him. I told him I have sex with him to shut him up. I told him I haven't called my grandma to ask for money to help pay the bills because I plan on calling her to ask for her help to leave. I laid it all out there. I told him why I am unhappy. I told him everything, from the bottom of my heart. \

And naturally, he is too fucking ignorant to see any of it, to hear any of it. He twisted everything, fucking everything. What the fuck ever.

I have been so afraid for so long, maybe this is what I need, a wake up call. Maybe him leaving will force me to take action. Force me to make a move, any move, wherever that may be.

Well, fuck, it is so late, I need to put my headphones on & go to bed. He is in a rampage, as long as I am up, it will just get worse. I'll have more tomorrow, maybe.

Here we go again.....

He is back to asking me to call my grandma to ask for money.

Our landlord was here today & asked about money. I was not here, I was at welfare dropping off another paper to apply for food stamps. And I have to go back again, to Work Force. I have a job, I don't understand why I have to go to Work Force. I also had to stop to drop off the cable box. I wish I could cancel it & steal cable from someone else.

I paid $200 on our $496 power bill, I also paid my $50 Dell bill & now we are broke, no money at all.

The sad part is that Zach & Briana have picture day tomorrow & I can't order the pics, Zach's kindergarten pics .

Kid has been up my fucking ass, all lovey & kissy, hands all over me while I sleep, it is extremely annoying.

Fuck it, I'm a bit too bummed for this right now. Going to go stuff something sweet in my mouth & take a nap.

A plan.....

that is what I need. I know I need it, but it is just so much easier to wallow in self pity.

I cannot even describe how I feel, the closest I can get is dead. I don't even want to come home, I dread it so bad.

Anyway, a plan.

I have no idea where I want to go, first of all. I could go back to IL, Lori has always said her door is open. I'm just not sure I want to go back. The biggest draw to IL is because of the familarity of it. It is a safe place because it is home.

Then there is Port St. Lucie, Tera has offered, thank you, with all my heart. I would love to be able to stay in FL, I love the weather, LOL. And it is so nice up there, much better than here.

There is Minnesota, with Quinn & Jolene, again, thank you!!!! I love you too, with all my heart. Quinn raves about how wonderful the help up there is, and how truly happy she is.

I would love to live in South Carolina, North Carolina, or Tennessee. I still have that fantasy of moving to where Dale Jr. is, LOL, I still think I am the perfect woman for him :P .

Okay, I'm back. I ate chocolate for dinner & crashed, hard, LOL. I slept for like an hour & a half.

Kid cried tonight.

He apologized for last night, he said what he always says, that he is stressed about money, blah, blah, blah. I told him he has been mean to me for far too long. He asked if I really wanted a divorce & I said yes. And he said just like that, you don't love me anymore. I said I will always love you, you are the father of my kids. But I am not happy any more. And now that I am feeling good about myself, the way you treat me is unacceptable.

And then he hugged me & he cried.

Now everything is okay, he thinks. Though I am still cold & distant. And I will continue to be. But yes, I do want to keep the peace. He does know how I feel. And he is really fucking scared. He never comes back here, but tonight he came & sat right here, LOL. I was talking to S, he came on & said Hi. I am like a drug addict, I had deleted him. I always decide that I don't want to have this weird friendships anymore, delete them & then when they IM me, I end up adding them again. It's like a drug or something. Maybe it's my lonliness, LOL. I deleted M too, LOL.

Anyway, tomorrow I am going down to food stamps place & dropping off all this paperwork & showing them my FPL bill & my bank statement, maybe that will get thinsg sped up, maybe, but I doubt it.

The other thing with showing up on someone's door step is I don't want to be a burden. It makes me feel so low to just drop in on someone, especially when I know how much everyone is struggling right now. I want to be self sufficient.

And you know, I've been fibbing. I do want to be loved. I want a man that will love me, just for me, for everything about me. Someone I can discuss a good book with or a good movie. Someone who will hold me when I want to be held & who will give me my space when I need it. Someone I can stand in the kitchen & cook dinner with & do the dishes with. Someone who I can sit on one end of the couch, while he is on the other, rubbing my feet or just letting my feet sit in his lap. Someone who will send me sexy comments & sweet emails. Someone who will tell me I am beautiful, that I am his world.

I know that everyone dreams of this great love. Is it even out there? Does it even exist? I know I have asked this a million & one times, I am still asking.

Well, I guess I better wrap this up. It's late & I am tired.

Miserable

Just fucking miserable.

Kid isn't talking to me at all. He goes around telling everyone, including the kids that I have a boyfriend. I was supposed to get off work at 4, but I stayed late & didn't get home until 7:30 & he said to the kids that I was with my boyfriend.

I guess I asked for it. No, I know I asked for it. I just don't care anymore. If I had the money, I would walk out the door right now. It doesn't matter how many times I say I do not have a boyfriend, he doesn't believe me, but I do not have a boy friend. I talk to 3 guys. Yes, I know it is wrong, but shit, look what I get from home. I am not "dating" them.

I guess he can't understand that all these changes are for me, not anyone else. He is convinced that the difference in me is because of a boyfriend. Which is total bullshit.

I am so depressed. I am so miserable. I think I'm going to call my grandma & see if she can help me get out of this. I am just crushed because I love my store, I love my job.

I am backing off of the guys I am talking to also. They all want one thing, they are all the same. I thought Matt was going to be different, but I guess not.

OMFG, Kid & I had a horrible, horrible, horrible fight. He accused me of cheating on him so bad. As in he has convinced himself that all last week, I lied about being at work. He saw my hours written down on a piece of paper, my walmart hours, and he aid "You said you worked this many hours, but there are only this many hours on this sheet of paper. You were out fucking your boyfriend the rest of the time." He was throwing stuff, threatening me, calling me names, telling me he hates me, he wants to kill me. Just horrible, nasty mean things. And believe me, none of this is an exaggeration, Shari was on the phone the whole time.

I have to get out. I have to come up with a plan. I am going to start researching online areas & help. I don't know yet where I want to go, but I will find the perfect place & then I am calling my grandma, when I have a plan & telling her everything. I hate him, I hate him with a passion. I will not live this way anymore. I have this job & I can transfer anywhere with it. I won't live this way anymore.

Anyway, as for M. He is hiding something, I don't know what, I don't care, but I am done talking to him. I asked him about his MySpace & he said oh, my friends set it up for me, I don't use it. I know he is lying, I am certain he is not married because I have seen him on cam, seen his apartment, but he probably has a girlfriend. He doesn't want me on his MySpace for some reason, so be it. He is a waste of time.

I deleted S, he is just another one that is out for one thing. I have gotten what I want from them & I am done.

I am having a hard time believing anyone could ever love me for me. I have this feeling of worthlessness. I know what I am doing, but when I get shit on at every turn, I can't help but feel there is a reason why. I am tired, overwhelmed, lonely, miserable, depressed, lost, stuck. All these things that my personality does not like to be.

Well, it is nearly 1am & I have to sleep, have to work both jobs tomorrow & listen to Kids "You fucking your boyfriend."

Believe me, I know how far from perfect I am. I just want to be happy again.

Do you even want to know??

Do I even want to type it out :P ??

Today was pure insanity!!! I didn't even know what to expect, I did not expect that. But the day flew by. For the most part I had decent customers. I did have one old lady want to talk politics & dispute my decision to vote for Obama, but whatever, LOL. I smiled & stayed friendly, as a good Walmart employee does. Oh wait, a smiling Walmart employee, is there such a thing?? I love my job, I truly do. And that is hard to say after spending the majority of the day on self checkout, with about 75% of customers being elderly people, really sweet elderly people. Elderly people + self-checkout = major stress. But I smiled through it all. And came home with a migraine. I walked in the door & said "I'm going to puke, I need 2 excedrin & a cold rag." As I walked to the bedroom, stripping on the way there, LOL.

I did not eat enough, drink enough water & as soon as the headache started, I didn't take anything, 3 mistakes, I will not repeat them tomorrow.

Anyway....... Tomorrow is going to be a long, very long day. I work at the cleaners in the morning, from 8 to 11, then home for about 40 minutes, and off to Walmart, for a 12 to 9 shift. I will be heading into overtime, if I'm not there already, LOL. A 13 hour day. It just doesn't feel worth it, but it is, I know *sigh* .

Okay, enough about work.

I talked to a new guy this morning, I was annoyed with my old guy, LOL. And this new guy is here, in south Florida, yikes!! He has already asked me out, I said NO, with a quickness. I am down with fun flirting online, even webcam, but no real life stuff, no way, no how. Wanna know where he wanted to take me?? To the Panthers preseason game on Monday night, wanna know where the seats were.... 8 rows from the glass!!! But I said no. That is like a date & I am a married woman, I do not date, I chat & flirt, that is what I do, that is ALL I do. He said I was pretty, much prettier than my Talk City pics, LOL & when I told him I worked at Walmart, he said he never saw any Walmart employee look like me. He said I looked like a professional or a librarian, LOL. So innocent, that is me!!

Well, fuck me, it is midnight, I have to take a shower & go to bed or I will not make it through tomorrow.

Where do I even begin?

I am wiped out. But happy!! I worked at the cleaners from 8 to 11 this morning. Came home & rushed through a shower & lunch, then ran back out the door to be at Walmart by 12. I was supposed to get off at 5 but I stayed to make some extra hours, I ended up staying until 9!! And I am sure if I hadn't mentioned how many hours over I have, I could've stayed longer. But I was starving. Before Kristen left tonight she asked me if I can work 11 to 8 tomorrow instead of 12 to 5 & of course I said YES, LOL!!

Today felt like such a tedious day. Started the day hanging signs with Maria & Lucy. Then we did something else, though I can't remember what, LOL. After break I did a few CBL's, I think I am all caught up. Then I ended up in HBA again, helping Pat hang a modular & then using the little hand scanner & printer to label all the freaking make-up. Soo tedious. But I am learning alot, LOL.

There is just something good about being able to say I worked a 13 hour day, LOL. Makes me feel proud. I feel energetic. Well, tired & energetic.

But I am nervous about tomorrow, really nervous.

I want someone to come talk to me, LOL. Oh well.

We got a new pharmacist & he is sooo cute. He reminds me of an old friend, Darrick. I miss him, LOL.

I need a new online boyfriend. I got so spoiled with the fun flirting that when he isn't online, I miss it. I'm tired of waiting for him, LOL. I need to find a new one. I feel like he is blowing me off for whatever reason & it is annoying.

Believe me, I know how fucked up that is. A married woman looking for a guy to flirt with. But it is just too fun. However, I am not aggressive at all so stalking a man on like Talk City or something is just not my style.

Well, it is nearly midnight. Tomorrow is going to be one long ass day, I better call it a night *yawn*.

Oh, last thing, I am so excited. Kid fixed our oven. We have been without an oven for well over a year. My mind is just spinning with ideas for dinners, LOL. And I cannot wait to make homemade pizza again, and shepherds pie & banana bread. And the list goes on & on!!

Blogging........

I am doing the copy & paste for Quinn over here, from my MySpace. See Quinn, I do love you!!!!

I am a little worried about the adult stuff I talk about .

Anyway, you won't believe this, but Kid actually said to me tonight, I was standing back here, he said something like I was so skinny he could barely see me anymore, LOL. Of course he followed it up with a "You'll find a new boyfriend." Whatever.

Speaking of a guy friend that I have.......

I want him to come online . I miss chatting with him.

But, this guy added me as a friend on Talk City, so I emailed him, told him he should email me sometime that I would love to chat with him & he is hot, LOL. I hope he emails me. I need to fill these lonely nights with some fun flirting .

So, the store opens on Wed. And I admit I am nervous. I am afraid they are going to put me on self check out right away & I'll fuck everything up. Kristen told us she picked some people for self checkout that she thought would be good at the multi-tasking. I really think she has more faith in me that I have in me , LOL.

Today I spent the afternoon in cosmetics. It was tedious but fun to look at all the make-up & all the different colors. Damn, some of that shit is expensive!! But I have already picked out a few really pretty colors of lip gloss I want. They have sparkles in it. Oh & some pretty eye shadow colors. I can't wait until I have the extra money to splurge on some of this shit. Including the hair dye. Which Kid thinks I am crazy for wanting to dye my hair . But first I am getting it trimmed.

I better call it a night, it's after 12 & I have both jobs tomorrow. At least the kids are out of school so I only have to worry about me in the am.

Ohhh, I almost forgot, I saw some drama today, at work. The first glimpse of our not quite so happy family. The lead in HBA (which is health & beauty) is an older man. He is really nice, well, one of the CSM's talked down to him today & he said he won't be talking to her anymore & walked away. And she walked off all pissed. Then one of the office ladies came over to help & I heard them talking about her & the way she was talking, LOL. It was pretty funny, actually. See, right now, we are all pretty much equals, well, besides the managers. We are all pretty clueless & looking to each other for help & questions, LOL.

Okay, I'm really done now. Nite!!