All Or Nothing, it's a way of life!!

Assume... to make an ASS out of U & ME

2012-01-05T22:53:00.002-05:00

We have become a society where the words on a screen have become the only knowledge we have of someone & we form an opinion of someone based on those random words. We have stopped caring about who they actually are. Words are just words. I can say stupid shit all day long & you will ASSUME you know me. I drink a few beers & you ASSUME I'm an alcoholic. I flirt randomly with someone, because that is what I do & you ASSUME I want to sleep with them. When will you stop making up your mind about me & just freaking ask me?

Yes, we all do it, I do it too. But if I really want to know, I'm going to come right out & ask you. Communication is what makes relationships of every form work. Friendships will not last without honesty & communication. But in order to be a good friend to someone, you need to accept them for all their flaws & realize that they are no different than you. They struggle every day with life, with family, with love. The only difference between you & me is the way we react to a similar situation. Your pain & your problems are not bigger than mine nor are they less than mine. And making you feel less about yourself is NOT going to lessen my pain. So respect each other, love each other & live in peace together knowing that we are all here together, we might as well learn now how to do it with happiness.

Christmas...

2011-12-23T10:48:00.006-05:00

I decided that I wanted a stocking this year so I made new ones for all of us. As I did Briana's name in silver glitter, I remembered the last time I did the kids names on stockings, he got drunk & threw Briana's stocking, smearing her name. The memory snuck up on me & hit me... hard. I don't want these sneaky memories to come out of nowhere. So I tried to battle it with a happy one. I mean, in 17 years together there had to be one, right? One Christmas that wasn't clouded by fights & his drunken anger?... No, not one Christmas that was truly peaceful. I can't even say that last Christmas was a happy peaceful Christmas.

Christmas is supposed to be full of love, happiness, peace, family, friends. But I am lonely, very lonely. I have great friends, true enough. And I have awesome kids, there is no doubt in that. I have a job, I have a vehicle, our needs are met, we aren't cold or hungry, we have clothes on our backs. All I wanted to do was give my children what they wished for on Christmas, and I stressed about it too much. But somehow I had forgotten that I have given us all what we have wished for for so long, peace at Christmas. For the first time in 18 years, there will be peace & quiet in our home.

So why can't I be happy with that? Why am I still angry with him? Angry with myself for spending so many years in unhappiness? Why can't I just look to the future & forget the past?

My rule of thumb...

2011-12-07T22:29:00.002-05:00

is always "Don't let others get to me. I can't control how others act, only my reaction to them." Someone can only make me mad if I allow it. After spending half my life with someone that I loved, someone that I trusted, someone who's opinion mattered to me, someone who I allowed to control my emotions, someone who I allowed to affect my everyday life, my mentality... all by choice, I told myself never again.

So why did I let these miserable people get to me today? Because I am human & I can't be strong all the time.

It is so easy to sit there & tell me what I am doing wrong, to tell me how to do it, to tell me how to fix it, but on my side of the glass it's not so easy. We are all so very different & we think so very differently. Something that seems simple to you, is not so simple to me.

In a perfect world, a man & a woman meet, they date, they decide to get married & then have children, they take care of each other, they support each other through everything. Financial, emotional, physical, all of it, it is supposed to be a partnership. You are supposed to be able to trust this person you chose, because yes it was a choice.

But how do you know if your choice was right? You don't know, there is no way to know. Until one day you wake up in a miserable place in your head, all you can do is think of how you want out. Every decision you make brings you closer to that out until you finally break free.

What happens once your free? You don't know how to live so you live from moment to moment, no thought of consequences. You're free, that's all that matters.

Then reality crashes down on you, freedom doesn't taste so sweet. When the children you had together need more than you can give. When bills you never had to worry about because he took care of them start coming in. When your van won't start, you don't know what to do & he's not there to fix it.

What do you do then? You close your bedroom door & you cry & you cry & you cry some more. No, it won't fix any of it. So, pull on your big girl pants, wipe away your tears & do as you have always done, hope for a better tomorrow & smile.

What it is....

2011-10-27T02:12:00.003-04:00

..... it's not getting down when you're not "the one". I like to believe you know, you just know when something is there. But along with that, you know when something is not there. It doesn't mean you aren't an awesome individual, it just means you aren't for them.

..... it's waking up & realizing that a friendship is so much more than you thought it was. It's realizing that you just fell in love with your best friend & didn't even realize it happened. But knowing you don't want to live without them.

..... it's making eye contact with someone across the room, feeling electricity & wanting to know more about them.

..... it's knowing that you want much more than sex so you take your time & truly enjoy someone's company before you decide to get intimate.

..... it's knowing in that place in your heart that there is a reason for your smile, there is a reason for those butterflies & enjoying every second of it.

..... it's knowing that while you don't have it now, one day you will, it will be special & magical, you will love every minute of it.

What it's not... it's not forcing something to be there that isn't. It's not settling just because you don't want to be alone.

Learning indifference...

2011-10-03T01:15:00.002-04:00

I'm ready to reinvent myself, is this easy to do? It seems like it should be an easy thing to do...

Anyone who knows me knows that I am an open book. I guess I am very naive about people & the way they think. I don't hold back, I am a straight forward open-minded individual. But somehow my straight forward open-minded mentality backfires & my feelings get hurt, it makes me not want to be the person I am. Especially when someone shares their opinion of me & my choices with my daughter.

You don't have to agree with the way I choose to live... or the way I choose to love... or the way I choose to feel. But if you call me friend & you claim to care about me, then damnit you owe me basic respect, I would do the same for you.

Until you walk a mile in my shoes, until you've lived a moment of my life, you don't know how I feel, you don't know what I need or want. And until my decisions affect you in any way, you are in no position to judge me. We all make mistakes that we have to live with, they are ours alone to own up to, no one else's, leave me to mine & I'll leave you to yours.

Skating away on thoughts of a new day...

2011-09-27T22:36:00.003-04:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking the last few days.... ok, so I think alot all the time. People have a tendency to be quick to judge a person for their actions & decisions. Why is this? I am the one to suffer the consequences, I am the one to look in the mirror every day, I am the only one that has to live with myself. I will not tell you that what you are doing is wrong... why? Because I don't have to live with it, you do.

I have also discovered that I have very little faith in people, in men especially. It's not a mentality that I want to have. But as I sat in my van today, wondering how I have become this person, I realized something, I am a product of my childhood, I am a product of my mother. And as I think of all the men that I have had a close personal relationship with, none have ever been positive in any way at all, from my birth to my marriage. It really doesn't make me a bitter or angry woman, it just makes it very easy for me to just walk away from people. Walk away & not look back. It doesn't mean I don't care, it just means that my heart is prepared for the day they will eventually walk away from me, as they always have.

My dream of a life on the road is a way to protect myself, I think, if I am not settled, I cannot get attached to anything therefore I cannot get hurt nor will I hurt anyone.

How do you learn to trust, how do you learn to love? How do you change a mentality that has been instilled in you from a very young age??

It's been a minute or two...

2011-06-30T23:40:00.004-04:00

I have a whole lot on my mind tonight.

Have you ever held on to something longer than you should have? Like say... A blanket you had when you were a child? Or a letter someone wrote you? Or a picture? Or a pair of pants that you want so bad to fit into but deep down you know you never will? Or a even a person, friendship, relationship?

And further more, do you ever ask yourself why your holding on to them? I guess it's human nature to hold on to things? Letting go of that baby blanket makes you feel less secure? Letting go of that pair of pants means your giving up hope? Throwing away that letter or that picture is a goodbye? Why is it so hard & so scary to look towards the future & to let go of the past?

I've been holding on to something, something that I need to let go of. If I don't let this go, I will have no chance of moving forward. I know this without a doubt but I am so afraid. Why am I afraid?

My whole life, every time I think I am ready to set something aside & move forward, I am drawn back again, like a moth to a flame. Until I finally reach that point where I am done with it & I step forward. I am ready to step forward. The unknown is always scary, but as humans we adapt. Life throws curve balls all the time, the unexpected happens & we're not prepared for it, but we adapt. And we move on.

So next time you pull out those pants, or that letter or that blanket, ask yourself if you really need it. And the next time I am drawn back again, I'll ask myself if I really need it.

Drama, I will not have!!

2011-05-10T18:15:00.002-04:00

Just when you think you are making the right decision, you get that slap in the face that it was the wrong decision, it couldn't have been more of a wrong decision. The thing that gets me in all of this, is that this man thinks his behaviors & actions are normal & acceptable. The longer that I am away from him, the more I see how truly fucked up he is. And the more sad I am that I spent so many years living in that, blinded by misery & loneliness. I neglected my children because of my misery.

I'm a thinker, always thinking, always thinking about people & who they are, thinking about the decisions they make. Thinking about myself & why I am the way I am, so reckless & not giving tomorrow any thought, living for the moment & only for the moment. And I think that it has to be because of so much disappointment in life. The more disappointment a person is dealt, the fewer expectations a person has. I have never known a true & complete happiness, so I will take these happy moments as they come to me.

Which leads me to these man issues I have & why I won't let a man in? Again, disappointment. Disappointment in my father, my brother & my future ex husband. No man has ever been totally decent to me, well, there are a couple now that are... But I am so afraid of more disappointment that I will be content in what I have with the people I have it with, no chance of disappointment.

For the second time in 17 years, he scared me a little yesterday, of course my "I am woman hear me roar" attitude kicked in pretty quick it still scared me to the point that I jumped at little noises I heard last night. I will not ever be afraid again. I will not ever feel that way again. And if that means living single for the rest of my life... so be it.

A bright & shiny awakening??

2011-04-28T01:35:00.002-04:00

So it all came to me the other night. I go back & forth all the time between not wanting to be alone, to wanting to be alone. To not wanting a man, to wanting a man. Yea, it's borderline bi-polar :P . I have issues, I know this. But I always wonder why? Why the confusion? Why is it not cut & dry? It should be simple enough right?

Nothing is ever simple, not ever.

When I was like 5 I guess, my mom & dad split & my mom became a single mother. She worked 2 jobs & I had to step up & become my mom's right hand with my little brother. We went to visit my dad when I was 7 & Jesse was 5, my dad said he woke up one morning & I was in the kitchen at 7 making breakfast for my little brother, he said "no way, this is not gonna happen here & now."

Well, as a single mother, how in the hell do I not rely on my oldest child to help me?? I am not angry with my mom for that. It made me happy to help her, she's my mom!!

But when I was 9 she met a man, a man she decided she wanted to marry. She didn't give us a choice. He was mean, impatient & mean. He smacked me around a few times. And at 15 she let me move out because of him. She let me go, a 15 year old child, because of a man. It was easier for her to let me go.

Without any kind of guidance, I moved in with the first man who showed me any kind of real attention & then I gave him 17 years of my life, half of my life. I don't regret that but would it be wrong to wonder how different life would have been if things had been different?

I am terrified of making the same mistakes my mom might have made. I do not in any way want my children to feel like me & my brother felt. I am terrified that I will make the wrong decision & bring the wrong kind of person into my life & the lives of my children. I just can't do it. can't do it to them & I am scared to give the wrong person any more of my life.

I feel so completely screwed up over this. I guess we all have daddy issues & babydaddy issues, huh??

I lie...

2011-04-12T02:29:00.002-04:00

to myself all the time.

I do want a man. I want a man to come home from work, come up behind me while I am cooking, wrap his arms around me & kiss my neck right where it meets my shoulder.

I want to lay in bed at night talking about everything by candlelight.

I wanna watch a man with Zach, teaching him how to fish or playing football with him. Or playing wii with all the kids.

I feel like I failed my children at picking the man I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I wonder if I will be alone forever because I am too scared to let a man get close, and honestly, a big reason is because I don't want my children to be hurt again. I don't want them to be heartbroken again.

Day 30: The grand finale!!

2011-04-04T17:11:00.002-04:00

Your favorite song.

I can't do this one, I don't have a favorite song. I have songs that are timeless, no matter where I am or what I am doing, when this song comes on, I stop & listen. I have favorite songs of the moment. I have songs that I love because they make me think of my mom. I have songs that I love because they helped me get through a tough time. I cannot in any way pick just one.

So this is the end of the 30 day challenge. I want to issue my own 30 day challenge, I'm going to sit & make a list of 30 questions that actually matter. Things that people actually want to know, LOL!! I made it, not quite in 30 days but it is done!!

Day 29: Lessons...

2011-03-29T18:24:00.002-04:00

In this past month, what have you learned?

I have learned that I am way too old to party like a rock star.

I have also learned that taking the easy way is never really that easy.

I learned that I am really not that special, noone is. We're all just warm bodies breathing the same air, doing the same things, living to the best of our ability.

And I've learned that acceptance is the only way to true inner peace, but yes I struggle with it all the time. I don't want to accept some things damnit. I want it to be my way... but it's not ever going to be my way.

Day 28: Then & now...

2011-03-28T13:10:00.001-04:00

A picture from you last year, and now. What has changed since then?

I'm too lazy to find a picture. Basically I am 10 pounds heavier & much more haggard. I don't sleep enough, I drink more, eat worse. Most of the time I don't know how to act & I say & do really stupid shit. I am immature & irresponsible.

The biggest change has been the separation from my husband. I spent 17 years with him. I feel like a ship lost at sea most days. While I don't want to be with him, he was an anchor. Yea, he bitched if the dishes weren't done so I did them. Now, he is not here to bitch, he is not here to keep me in line. And man, I am having a really hard time.

How is it even possible to despise someone so much but yet feel so lost without them? I do not want him here in any way, shape or form, but damnit, this is fucking hard. Why did this have to happen? Why does anything have to happen?

Day 26: Friends... again.

2011-03-17T09:33:00.002-04:00

What do you think about your friends?

I think this one is kinda pointless. One must think highly of a person to call them a friend, otherwise what's the point. I love my friends, every single one of them!!

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

“It is by chance that we met, by choice that we became friends.”

“True friendship is seen through the heart, not through the eyes.”

Day 25: Necessities...

2011-03-15T19:56:00.003-04:00

What I would find in your bag.

My journal & pen, my iPod, my wallet, my Walmart badge, Breathsavers, vanilla spray, brush, lotion, & other random crap. My phone is almost always in my pocket. I carry a clear bag for work & a purse on my days off, depending on my mood. Sometimes I just throw my wallet & phone in my pocket.

Day 24: Dear....

2011-03-08T21:05:00.001-05:00

A letter to your parents.

This was hard. I've avoided it.

Dear Mom,

I miss you. I miss you more than I ever thought I could miss you. It doesn't get easier, it gets harder, with each day, it gets harder. I have so many questions for you. I have so much I want to talk to you about. I want see you holding your grandchildren. I want to go shopping with you. I want to have coffee with you. I want to laugh with you. I want to cry with you.

You should be here with me.

Dear Dad,

It should have been you, not her... If I never see you again, it will be to soon.

Day 23: Crave or desire??

2011-03-08T00:17:00.002-05:00

Something you crave for a lot.

Aren't cravings & desires pretty close in similarity? You crave sex or you desire sex? Or both? What exactly is a craving?

I crave chocolate on occasion, at least once a month. I crave affection all the time. I don't desire chocolate but I do desire affection.

I crave for a person. I crave that touch from them. I don't even crave actual sex anymore, I manage that just fine on my own. I crave hands & lips... affection.

I crave music. After a long day at work, I cannot wait to get in my van & put on my iPod. All day I crave it.

I crave coffee & Rockstar.

I crave pizza.

Crave is an odd word when said alot.

Handicap lesbian??

2011-03-06T22:26:00.003-05:00

Okay, I need to write this down because it actually made me feel guilty. I turned off both of my alarms this morning & fell right back to sleep. And had the weirdest dream.....

I dreamed that I was working at a business somewhere, don't think it was Walmart though. There was this girl, in her 20's maybe, very plain, long straight hair, plain face, no makeup, nothing to her really, even her clothes were so non-descript that I don't even remember what they looked like. She watched me all the time. What made her handicapped was that she had to walk with crutch type things & could barely even stand up with them. I can't remember if she worked there or just came there alot.

One day I helped her with something, I had to get real close to her, she threw herself at me & she tried to hump me. I was caught off guard, lost my balance & we both fell down. I was totally embarrassed about falling with her, I helped her up & helped her into this office with a glass door & glass windows, where she sat on the couch.

She sat there all the time, just watching me, it creeped me out. I avoided her as much as I could. When I would go near the windows, she would just stare at me, I would wave & smile, all she would do was stare.

I started to try to avoid that window as much as I could & went a different way. But this new way took me in the path of this huge biker guy with an eye patch, for some reason he made me nervous so I tried to avoid making any eye contact with his one good eye.

And then I woke up, running late for work, ugh & feeling really bad about this dream.

Day 22: Different? Not really.

2011-03-06T22:23:00.002-05:00

What makes you different from everyone else.

There is only one thing that I can think of that might possibly make me different from everyone else. And that is the fact that I will say almost anything at anytime. I have no shame, I say it like I see it, I say what's on my mind. Other than that, I don't see how I am different than anyone else.

Day 21: Love in Pictures

2011-03-05T22:22:00.004-05:00

A picture of something that makes you happy.

I could fill this full of pictures of my kids, obviously. Or pictures of my friends. But I'll go with things other than people. There are so many things that make me happy, here are the 4 main ones, not really in any order.

This picture explains it all, the reason I love hockey!! The excitement, the aggression, the intensity, the skill, the speed, so many reasons!! My teams are Florida Panthers in the east in the NHL, Chicago Blackhawks in the west in the NHL & the Bloomington Prairie Thunder, our local minor league team. Just knowing that Bloomington had a hockey team made the move home even better.

When I walk into a bead store my eyes light up just like a kid in a candy store. I don't even know where to begin, all the different colors. All the different styles, shapes, sizes. I can spend hours in there just touching the beads & looking at the colors. I would love to have a bead store, playing with beads all day long would just be heavenly!!

There is only one place that I can feel totally & completely at peace, like nothing can touch me, no worries in the world, everything is right & good, that's at the campground. No this is not my picture & I have never camped in a place like this but one day I will.

Music is a part of my soul. From as far back as I could remember music was always there. My mom loved music. I remember there was a time she didn't have a TV in her room, just a stereo. When she wasn't home & I was in a bad place in my head, I would go into her room & lay on her floor listening to her music. It kind of made me feel like in her small way she was helping me. A day without music would be a day without air for me.

Day 20: Marriage??? NOT likely.

2011-03-03T00:48:00.005-05:00

Someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future.

This one is tricky.

I do not in any way see me with anyone or even see marriage in my future. I even go back & forth between not knowing whether I want this or not. I feel so confused most days. I wanna be held & touched but when the opportunity arises I kinda freak out a little & back off, way off. Mainly because in those moments, the one doing the offering, didn't want anything more from me. I need friendship first, intimacy second. But I also don't need the kinda friendship that is started because of the desire for more.

The thing is, most of the men I come in contact with make me feel like all they want from me is to get in my pants.

I have fooled around with 3 men since I've been home. One was just one night of fooling around, a very good old friend. One was a whirlwind of a friendship, started quick & ended even quicker. It was lovely, I don't regret it but I do miss his friendship. And one was a very old rekindled friendship, that became a little more intimate than expected, I became more attached than I should & then I unintentionally killed it. I'm sure it was for the best but I miss it. We don't really know why things happen the way they do, and sometimes it's out of our hands.

It's really hard to get close to someone that you feel like only wants one thing from you. And I think I'm scared, I think I'm scared of feeling the same way again & then losing it. It's not even about a relationship, it's about a close trusting friendship. That's all I want right now, mainly because of my kids. But at the same time, I need to feel special, I need to feel wanted & needed.

There's such a fine line & I don't walk it so well, I guess.

I am not so good at relationships, I was horrible at marriage & I'm a basket case because of all this. I don't want a man to come in & take care of me, but I want him to be there when I need him. I know that's probably selfish of me but I don't know how else to be right now.

Day 19: What's in a name?

2011-03-02T08:58:00.002-05:00

Nicknames you have and why you have them.

The only real nickname I have is "Anjie". Yes, I have grown up being called Anjie & everyone knows me by Anjie so it doesn't seem like much of a nickname. But shortened versions of names are nicknames.

My real name is Anjare. I hate it, I have hated it my whole life. I have even toyed with the idea of having my name permanently changed to Anjie. The one thing stopping me, I don't know how much this name meant to my mom :( . I couldn't take something away from her even though she is not here, would it matter? Yes, yes it would matter... to me.

I have somehow given myself the nickname of Sunshine & I kinda like being called Sunshine, maybe I should change my name to Anjie Sunshine? I could lose the Turcotte then too :P . And then maybe I should go look for that commune that I know a buncha hippies are still living at.

Off to finish.... start... continue with this glorious cleaning :P !!

Day 18: And what exactly do I have in mind?

2011-03-01T00:16:00.004-05:00

Plans/dreams/goals you have.

The plan is to get my apartment cleaned very well & organized. I guess that is the goal too.

But the dream is so much better!!

I feel like a squatter. I don't feel like I am at home anywhere any more. I know these streets very well. And this is home in the fact that a very important part of my life was spent here. But I just feel like I am existing because I have to.

I have a wandering gypsy soul. The dream would be to have a very very small RV, like the size of a big van. It would be just me after all. I would drive all over the country to craft fairs & Ren Fests, that would be the best actually, selling enough jewelry & stuff to put gas in my RV & eat. No bills, no ties to anything or anyone. Except for my kids.

Maybe one day I would find a place to call home, a place where my heart feels at home.

I sometimes wonder if a person can be that place, like when you are with someone you feel totally at home no matter where you are. Could that be possible? Could I possibly never find a home because I am one of those people? Could I have a soul mate out there somewhere, that my heart belongs with?

I'm feeling kinda down & lonely. It was a long week & a crazy weekend that I don't regret but am not to proud of.

It's hard to explain this lonely feeling. It's not a feeling of wanting someone here with me now, it's more a feeling of wanting to know they are on the other end.... the other side. Know what I mean?

Anyway, I was cleaning, better get back to it. This turned into quite the mess :/ .

Day 17: Switcheroo?

2011-02-25T23:12:00.002-05:00

Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.

I can't think of a specific person I would want to switch with. I would like to switch with someone who is content in their life, with the one they love, in the house they want to be in, working the job they want to work, able to pay bills without stressing, able to buy what they want or need, have a nice little savings account for rainy days, able to take trips whenever they want.

Yes, I know, that is the American dream, everyone wants that.

So, how about I switch with... a rockstar so I can have all the sex, drugs & rock 'n roll I want?

Or a gangster, so I can be pimpin'?

Or the President, everyone else thinks they could do a better job, maybe I could too?

Yea, I'm not feeling it tonight. I'm in a pissy mood & the worst part is I don't even really know why. How do you fix a mood if you don't know why you have it? If you're hungry, you eat; if you're thirsty, you drink; if you're happy, you smile; if you're sad, you cry. What the fuck do you do when you're pissy??

Day 16: More pics, really? Why?

2011-02-24T22:28:00.003-05:00

Another picture of yourself.

I don't wanna post another picture of myself. So I'm not gonna. So there, humph. *stomps feet*

I love acting the fool while writing, only because it doesn't look as stupid as it would in real life.

I think it should be noted that I have not drank since Saturday.

I thought alot about sadness today. I also thought alot about life, love, happiness.

I thought about how I wanted to wrap my arms around a certain person who I have not gotten to hug in quite awhile, how I wanted to rub his whiskery face with my hands. A person who I will probably never get to hug again. I have accepted this but I can be sad about it, right?

I struggle with the decision to either wait for that one person who touches that part of you that has never been touched. Or to just settle with someone that makes you happy, even if the passion is not there? Or what about just someone that you are comfortable with?

I am in no position to want a relationship right now, but I am lonely, I wanna be touched, but I just can't let go & let myself be touched. Why is that?

Anyway, today was a weird mix of feelings, with all the drama going on, it makes me sad, is this what we have become?

I think too much, that's why I drink, because I'm not thinking when I'm drinking. The only time I can shut everything off is when I am drunk. The day will come when I won't want to shut it all off. It's just that time is not right now.

Day 15: iPod Love

2011-02-23T23:33:00.002-05:00

I am cheating, I totally forgot day 14 & did day 15 on my lunch today. Not so sure I'll have much time for it tomorrow, so.....

Put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play.

My music taste usually depends on my mood, but I have a favorites playlist that I listen to the most. These songs vary from catching me with the lyrics, or catching me just because they rock. But I love them!!

Happy - Leona Lewis
Forever - Papa Roach
Hey Hey What Can I Do - Led Zeppelin
Lips Of An Angel - Hinder
F**kin' Perfect - P!nk
No Rain - Blind Melon
Thunder Kiss '65 - White Zombie
Stairway To Heaven - Led Zeppelin
Loser - 3 Doors Down
Icky Thump - White Stripes

I am actually kinda surprised with all the heavy stuff on my iPod that these were the songs that came up, LOL.

Day 14: Familia

2011-02-23T22:46:00.008-05:00

A picture of you and your family.

I almost skipped this one accidentally.

I don't have much family & what's even worse, I don't have many pictures of me & the family I do have.

This is me as a baby with my mom & dad. My dad & I do not have a relationship. I have written about it before & it's not positive, so I'll skip that part. My mom died almost 8 years ago. I miss her so very very much :( . I am sure I have more recent pics but it's just too much to find them, scan them & load them here.

My kids are my family, and we don't have many pictures. I don't like having my picture taken. And I'm always on the other side of the camera. This is a fun picture of the kids & my feet. In my defense, I did try to get them to take a picture with me tonight & they said no :( . Maybe next time.

And finally, my brother, this is a really touchy subject for me. My brother is mentally ill. I have a very hard time dealing with him & I feel terrible for that. He has had a very hard life & does the best he can with what he has. I don't speak to him much anymore & I have alot of guilt for that. But I can't change anything, I can't change him, I can't change how I feel or what I think. But I do love him with all my heart & always will.

Day 13: Dear....

2011-02-22T14:03:00.003-05:00

A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

After thinking about this for awhile, writing a letter to someone that has hurt me might seem like an easy thing to do, I mean people hurt people all the time, right? Well, I believe that noone has the power to control your feelings, you give them that power. So while writing a letter to my future ex might be the logical choice, I won't let him affect me anymore. The only one that can truly hurt me... is me.

Dear Anjie,

First of all, I want you to know that I love you, though I know that my actions do not always show it. Lately you have been very self-destructive, you might think that you are only hurting yourself but you have three other people that you need to think about. If you destroy yourself, they will go on, but do you really want them to go on without you? While I am proud of you for how far you have come, if you don't get your act together, you won't go very much further. It's not just the drinking either, though that is a big part of it, it's your irresponsible & selfish thinking too. Living in the moment might seem easier than thinking about the future, it won't be easier in the long run, life will be much harder.

Drinking to excess might help you to not think about it, but you ultimately say & do the stupidest shit. How do you want people to see you? Do you want to chase those away that you care about? Think about all this.

Pull your head out of your ass & get your act together.

Much love from your better half,

Anjie <3

Okay, that might have been the most bi-polar thing I have ever written, LOL!!

Rescue me...

2011-02-21T11:27:00.003-05:00

This one is going to be hard, very hard. I almost want to turn the comments off because while I know the feedback I will get from writing this is only said with love, sometimes I just want to get it out there. Admitting when you know you are wrong... or admitting when you know there might be something wrong is very hard to do.

I had a bad night on Saturday night. I drank too much, too fast & it just went downhill. I don't know what's going on with me lately. I have not been drinking to get a buzz, I have been drinking to get drunk, not just a little drunk, to get wasted. To be completely out of my head. I typically don't do anything stupid; I don't drive, I don't sleep around, I don't even make out with strangers :P . I just say stupid things.

Well, Saturday night I was stupid. I walked outside of the bar with a beer in my hand, was snagged by a cop, and given a $250 ticket. My night ended right there, so I started walking home. I live kind of far from downtown so it was a bit of a walk. And the easiest way takes me through a rough part of town. It's the part of town where I grew up so I have a hard time seeing it as rough, know what I mean?

I had another cop stop in a parking lot, I knew he would call me over to the car so I just walked right up to him, attitude & all. I was so angry about the ticket, I bitched at him, we might have had a heartfelt conversation to a certain extent, LOL. He offered to take me home & I just said "No thanks, I will walk."

In my completely wasted state of mind, I wanted to be rescued. I wanted a "knight in shining armor" to just come save the day. So instead of calling any number of people to come get me, or to even let that cop take me home, I just continued to walk, to walk & cry. The more I walked, the more I realized noone was going to come to my rescue, wet & cold was all I was getting from my stubbornness, which then made me cry more. I finally let someone come pick me up. She was my "knight" because I let her be.

Even the most independent people want to be saved sometimes. Even the strongest people want someone to come in & whisk them away from their troubles, if only for a minute. Why? Because for a split second you don't feel alone, you feel like someone cares.

Day 12: Blogger? Don't ask why.

2011-02-21T11:17:00.002-05:00

How you found out about blogger and why you have one.

I am certain a friend told me about Blogger. I used to blog on Myspace, only a few people could read everything I wrote over there so I was much more open than I was on here.

I generally do not have a problem sharing everything with everyone, LOL, just ask anyone that knows me :P. But noone likes to be judged & how do you not judge someone that you do not know when all you see is what you read? Does that make sense? So, I stopped writing online & went to my journal.

But I am back. I still write in my journal because there are definitely some things that I do not want anyone else to read.

Day 11: Friends... part deux

2011-02-20T19:39:00.002-05:00

Another picture of you and your friends.

I only have a couple of pictures of me with a few friends, so I'm gonna skip it. I love all my friends though, they are all awesome!! You make me laugh, you're there when I cry, you put up with my bullshit!!! And thank you for loving me, I love you right back!!

Day 10: Music... Part 1

2011-02-18T01:03:00.004-05:00

Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad.

I probably don't need to tell you, I was very much looking forward to this one!! Music is my everything!!

I don't get angry very often, usually when I do it's because the future ex royally pissed me off :P . This is his song, all his, has been for a long time!!

When I'm sad I listen to sad sappy rock love songs, LOL. Usually when I am sad it's because I'm missing someone. I have a few that are my faves right now.

When I'm hyped, it's gotta be loud & fast. Naturally I can't think of anything because I'm kinda stuck in those 3 songs up above :P .

I'm bored right now, so I went old school with some G N' R, when I'm bored I listen to what is not on my iPod & wishing I could put it on my iPod. But since Limewire is defunct, I use my iTunes card, I have become much more selective since I have had to start paying, LOL.

Remember the days when you had to actually buy a CD when you heard songs you liked?? I feel old :P .

I am almost always happy so I listen to a wide variety. generally I listen to rock, but I love love love classic rock, always makes me think of my mom.

One of the greatest songs of all time, for me anyway :P . One of my songs!!

Another of my songs, LOVE IT!!!

I do like some country but it has to be country rock or it has to touch me. I'm not a big fan of rap/hip hop but there are a few songs that I can tolerate. But generally I go between classic rock & hard rock/metal. I could post videos all night long, but you get the idea.

I LOVE MY MUSIC!!!!

Day 9: Proud?

2011-02-17T08:54:00.003-05:00

Something you’re proud of in the past few days.

I honestly haven't done a whole lot to be proud of in the last few days, besides my kids, I'm always proud of my kids :P .

I am proud that I finally took the initiative & paid everything off. I am down to only 4 bills; the 4 credit cards I have are paid in full, paying Sears hurt the most, $658. I carried that check for 11 days before I finally handed it over. The electric bill is paid in full. The Ho is taken care of. Being the responsible adult is something to be proud of I suppose, even if it isn't the fun road :P .

It actually kind of bums me out a little that I can't think of anything else to be proud of. I have done nothing of real importance in a long time. Maybe that should have been a short term goal, to really do something to be proud of?

Life is damn good!!

2011-02-16T15:34:00.003-05:00

Who could have known what a weight it was until it was lifted?

The insurance on my D.O.H. (Dirty Old Ho) was costing me $120 a month. I couldn't insure her up here until I made her legal. Of course I didn't have the $229 to transfer the title into my name, register & plate her. I could have saved myself $20 or so by leaving it in his name but I wanted it to be mine, all mine. Finally, with the tax money, I was able to do this. I paid the insurance for a year just so I don't have that bill hanging over my head, so I went from $120 a month payment to a full years worth of insurance for a one time payment of $315. That saved me $1,125 for the year!!!

I never had to think about these things before. For the first time in my life I have had to be the responsible adult. I spent 17 years being handed a stack of bills with an amount due written on the envelope. He always did all that. He worked, I stayed home with the kids. Then the tables got turned. This has been a huge adjustment for me. I feel like a kid just starting out on my own in life, not only am I not a kid anymore but I have 3 kids of my own to think about.

People say to me all the time "You are so brave." "I don't know how you do it." "I admire your strength."

Well, the truth is, I don't feel strong, I don't feel brave. And I just do it because I have no other choice but to do it . What are my options?

Noone can possibly know or even understand the years of hell I went through with that man. I will take this life over that life any day!! I will take these struggles & these fears over those struggles & those fears for the rest of my life. Never again will I let someone treat me that way, never again will I lay down for someone.

I am truly happy today. I have nothing hanging over my head. I feel at peace in my heart & my soul :) !!

Day 8: Goals

2011-02-16T10:12:00.003-05:00

Short term goals for this month and why.

I am so glad it said short term goals, I am not good at goals at all. If I set a goal, I will subconsciously sabotage it every single time.

One goal which I have had forever, is to take control of this laundry, and keep it under control. I am so tired of constantly digging through baskets to find clothes.

I want to learn how to do a budget, I need a budget. I am a single mom making $10 an hour, a budget is the only way we will survive this year.

I want to cook much more at home, this goes along with the budget thing. We can't afford to eat out all the time any more. I also need to start taking my lunch, that will help stretch my money a little further. Taking my lunch will also still allow me the cash for a Rockstar a day :P .

My jewelry... I need to start a few more projects. I'd like to think that my jewelry is good enough that I could sell it but I am so anal about it, I always think noone would pay for it. So, I'm considering making some earrings & a few bracelets, taking it to a little shop or store to see if they will make a little display for me. A tattoo shop would be awesome!!

And finally, to get through this 30 day challenge & still make it interesting enough to read :P .

Day 7: Impact

2011-02-15T01:54:00.005-05:00

A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

I'm doing this in the form of past, present & future. There are 5 people that have impacted me the most & I'm going to make this one for them.

Starting with the 3 people that ARE my past, present & future. It might not seem like it, but the sun rises with them & sets with them. They are the reason I wake up in the morning, they are what keeps me going everyday. I act more like friend than mom, but lay it down when it needs to be laid down. I told myself that I would not do to them what my mom did to me, which was put me in a position where I did not have much of a childhood. However, as a single mom, it's almost unavoidable. They are my partners in crime, they are my soulmates on this journey. They are my one & only true loves. They are my everything.

My mom had the biggest impact on my past. While I do carry her with me everyday, so she is part of my present & will be part of my future, it's only in my heart. I was angry with her for a long time but I realize now she did the very best she could with what she had to work with. I also know now that everything she did, she did for us kids, whether it back fired or not, her intentions were always for us. I miss her so very much :( . A day does not go by that I do not wish she was here with me now.

And finally, my future ex husband. I had a picture saved in my phone for a long time that I would have posted on here but I think I deleted it. It was an image of how I always saw him, drunk & just nasty looking. He cannot possibly understand the impact he has had on me. I'd like to say that I am over the years of misery I had with him, but I am so afraid that I will never be able to grasp the idea of a healthy relationship because I spent half my life in an unhealthy one. I would like to say that he can no longer touch me in my present but he still does, in text or in voice mail. This last time, the voice mails really got to me for some reason. And I would like to wish for a future without him, but we have 3 children together, he will always be a part of my life... always. It would not be fair to my children to cut them off from their father just because of how I feel about this man. Therefore, he is also my past, present & future.

And I'm going to throw a "something" in here, LOL, music. I have loved music from as far back as I can remember, that comes from my mom. My morning starts with music & my day ends with music. I have a stereo in my room as opposed to a TV, my iPod is rarely far from me. I need music, I need music when I am happy, I need it when I am sad, I need it when I am angry. I just need it all the time. It is my second love, after my children.

Day 6: Superheroes

2011-02-14T02:05:00.002-05:00

Favorite superhero & why.

I had a hard time with this one. I was trying to remember what my favorite superhero was when I was a kid. All I could think about are the superhero movies of today, which I love them all. Comic book characters & stories make for excellent movies!!

Then I did have a memory, of Wonder Woman.

When I was 7 & my brother was 5, my mom sent us to live with our dad in Jacksonville, FL for a few months. We were there over Halloween. I badly wanted to be Wonder Woman & Jesse wanted to be Super Man. So our dad got us those all plastic body suit costumes with the face mask, you know the ones I'm talking about. I can almost smell the plastic just thinking about it.

For days after Halloween we wore our costumes, running up & down the sidewalks in the apartment complex he lived in. Pretending we were Wonder Woman & Super Man, we would save the world & we would save ourselves.

I fell & ripped the knees out of my costume, I was so so sad over that. To this day, I still wanna be Wonder Woman, I still wanna save the world, including myself & my children. But I don't cry over skinned knees anymore, or bruised hearts.

Day 5: Somewhere I've been

2011-02-12T23:49:00.003-05:00

A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.

So, I'm going to change this up a bit.

I'm not a world traveller but I have been a few places, I loved the Great Smoky Mountains National park & Everglades National Park the best. Disney was fun. Quebec was beautiful. But what I really wanted to talk about was the places I've been in my head. My own personal hell & the heaven on earth I've dreamed about.

I think we have all been in our own personal hell at some point in our lives. We might think we have it really bad but someone else always has it worse. Does that change how we feel at that moment? No, not at all. It's just different. What doesn't drown one person will surely drown another.

I spent 17 years in a bad marriage with a verbally & mentally abusive man. My unhappiness was so great I turned to food to drown the emotional hell I was feeling. Which in turn put me in a whole new personal hell, trapped in nearly 300 pounds of fat. Not only was I in a misery all of my own doing, I was still in a misery created by an abusive alcoholic. Then one day I decided I didn't want to be that person any more, so I made changes, big changes, including the loss of 60 something pounds. Then the big move from Florida to Illinois, separating from him. But my final release from this personal hell will be a divorce.

Heaven on earth?

Is there really such a place? I go around saying I don't believe in love, I do believe in love, I love my children, I love my friends. But do I believe in the kind of true love that 2 people can have for each other? No I do not. I think that people come together at certain times in life & we take what we can, what we need from each other. Sometimes that is enough to be content enough to spend the rest of your lives together. Sometimes it is not. It happens. I was so young when I met my future ex that I did not know anything about life, nothing about men & women or relationships.

I still don't know anything.

But I have been touched in a way that I have never been touched before. Some days I believe I will find that "heaven" with someone & other days I believe I will not. Most days I am just happy for the new day, for the fresh start, to try again.

Insanity in my head.

2011-02-11T11:26:00.002-05:00

My dream....

I had to go to the doctor for something & they injected me with botox. I felt like I was blowing up like a balloon. I went to my mom (yes, in my dream she was very alive :( ... ) to tell her, with tears streaming down my face, that I was gonna blow up. She said well let's go to the doctor & I said no, I'll go lay down for a minute.

So I went & laid my head on the desk of the Moneycenter. This guy came over to send some money, the computer was completely different & I couldn't get it to work right. The phone was ringing & I couldn't put the person on hold, I kept putting them on speaker phone. Briana was standing beside me asking me a bunch of questions. I pushed a button & a radio came on, so I gave up & walked away.

I went to this couples house, I don't even know who it was, it was a man & a woman. We got lit up, had a couple drinks & smoked. They said we had to go somewhere, they needed something. I said I am way to lit up to drive, they didn't care. I was a basket case driving, totally freaking out. We were going up a hill & the van started to sputter & act like it was going to die, then it kicked back up again & went on.

As we topped the hill, we were face to face with a rusted out VW van, then the VW van stopped & flipped backward, we were looking straight down at a big green field with train tracks going right through it and a big freight train running down the tracks. We were yelling oh shit, that van is gonna land on the train & it did. The guy was ejected from the van, the van hit a freight car, a washer & dryer came busting out & flew up towards us, the washer looked like it was going to hit us & then it fell back down to earth & hit the train.

The train was wrecked, the cars were jamming up & flipping all over. Someone in the background was talking, like they were reporting it on the news, describing what was happening. Then the guy that was ejected was running over the top of the wreckage of the train & through fire. The announcer guy in the back ground was yelling frantically about the running man...

Then I woke up.

Day 4: Habits

2011-02-11T09:09:00.003-05:00

A habit that you wish you didn’t have.

What exactly is a habit anyway? We automatically think that all habits are bad, there are good habits, there are good habits that we wish we didn't have too. So, I looked up the word habit to get a more clear picture on what I am writing about here :P . Here are just a few explanations of the word:

* manner of conducting oneself
* the prevailing disposition or character of a person's thoughts and feelings : mental makeup
* a settled tendency or usual manner of behavior
* an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary
* addiction

Are habits easy to break then, can you just say "I'm not going to do this anymore" and then you are done? Or is it more like an addiction, where you need an intervention, LOL? Can people be a habit?

I have a habit of texting someone, I feel like if I stopped this habit, then I would never hear from or see them again. It is a habit that I don't want to quit for selfish reasons. Is it a bad habit? I don't think it's a bad habit. Is it a good habit? I don't think it's a good habit. It's just a habit. And for some reason, I can't put it in my head that if I never heard from them again, then it was a friendship that was just meant to end.

I have a habit of picking at the skin on my lips. This is a bad habit that I wish I could stop. My lips always look horrible because of it.

An acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary, that would be my gutter mind. It just comes to me, I have no control at all. I don't know how this behavior started. Do I want this habit to stop? Not really :P .

I guess that about covers habits. I need a Rockstar... that could be a habit too.

Day 3: Friends

2011-02-10T09:40:00.003-05:00

A picture of you and your friends.

Honestly I'd need to open a photobucket album for all my friends. So, I'll talk about friendship instead & what friendship means to me. Basically, "those who mind don't matter & those who matter don't mind", that sums it up. I am a very open & honest person, I don't judge. Friendship is what happens when 2 people come in contact with each other & find a quality in that person they appreciate & want to keep in their life. Have you ever passed someone on the street & said to yourself "I want to be their friend." Not likely. Friendship is born through conversation, or through time spent together. Circumstances threw us together, love kept us together.

I love all my friends, from the nutty ones, to the serious ones; from the older ones, to the younger ones. You are all so very different & I love each of you for what you have brought to my life & I hope you are all with me for a very long time, whether in person or in spirit.

Day 2: The meaning behind your blog name.

2011-02-09T11:17:00.002-05:00

The meaning behind my blog name is very simple but first I gotta wish myself a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I am 35 years old today, 35 is a milestone birthday. It's the half way point, right smack in the middle of 30 & 40. I am not sad that 30 is behind me & I am not afraid of the looming 40 in front of me, I am just happy to be here today, in this moment. I don't have any special plans today; lunch with a girlfriend, dinner at home with the kids, I'm just grateful for every moment of every day.

So, the meaning behind my blog name, all or nothing is how I do everything. I either give it my all or I give it nothing at all. That goes with friendships, relationships, cleaning, working... everything. And it is my way of life, how I have always been. I work hard, I party hard, I fly by the seat of my pants, I jump into everything feet first without thinking about tomorrow, or I don't jump in at all. And that is ME.

And here we go... Day 1

2011-02-08T10:35:00.003-05:00

I am so so far behind Kelly & Shawn :P .

A recent picture of yourself and fifteen interesting facts.

This is one of the most recent pics I took. This is not the person I see when I look in the mirror, though I like to think this is the person everyone else sees.

15 interesting facts, hmm.

1. I love being a mom though most days I feel like I am failing at it.

2. I love my job, I love helping people, I love making people smile, but I hate the company I work for.

3. I can honestly say there is not one person that I do not get along with, I just love people.

4. It might not seem like it, but I try very hard to watch what I say, my mouth is so bad.

5. Pet peeves, I have a few... littering is a huge one; throwing gum on the ground; the toilet paper roll on backwards & yes I am one of those people that switches it to the RIGHT way.

6. If I'm with smokers when I'm drinking, I smoke too. And I am a HUGE anti-smoking person so I guess that makes me a hypocrite?

7. I find it hilarious that I have everyone else calling my van the Dirty Old Ho, afterall she is dirty, she's old & she gets around. But she's mine & I love her.

8. I talk so much trash that sometimes I'm afraid people might think I'm a whore when really I'm not easy at all, LOL. Most of the time I wish I was!!

9. I say I love being single, but really I don't, I'm just afraid that I'll never find anyone that can put up with me.

10. Spending 17 years in a bad marriage has me so clueless about what a good relationship could be.

11. I use my sense of humor to hide my real feelings, sometimes they sneak through the cracks.

12. There are 2 things that kept me sane through the last years of my marriage, my iPod & my journal. They still keep me sane.

13. I crush on people alot, I have a few crushes right now <3>

14. I want a snake, in a bad way!! I just don't want the responsibility of taking care of a pet right now.

15. I wanna be completely covered in tattoos under my clothes.

To blog or not to blog is always the question...

2011-02-02T16:16:00.003-05:00

Sometimes blogging is much easier when you have a purpose, when you have some guidance, when you have simple rules to follow. So I'll attempt to do the 30 Day Challenge.

The Rules:
Day One- A recent picture of yourself and fifteen interesting facts.

Day Two- The meaning behind your blog name.

Day Three -A picture of you and your friends.

Day Four- A habit that you wish you didn’t have.

Day Five- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.

Day Six- Favorite super hero and why.

Day Seven- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

Day Eight - Short term goals for this month and why.

Day Nine - Something you’re proud of in the past few days.

Day Ten - Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad.

Day Eleven - Another picture of you and your friends.

Day Twelve - How you found out about blogger and why you have one.

Day Thirteen - A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

Day Fourteen - A picture of you and your family.

Day Fifteen - Put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play.

Day Sixteen - Another picture of yourself.

Day Seventeen - Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.

Day Eighteen - Plans/dreams/goals you have.

Day Nineteen - Nicknames you have and why you have them.

Day Twenty - Someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future.

Day Twenty one - A picture of something that makes you happy.

Day Twenty two - What makes you different from everyone else.

Day Twenty three - Something you crave for a lot.

Day Twenty four - A letter to your parents.

Day Twenty five - What I would find in your bag.

Day Twenty six - What do you think about your friends?

Day Twenty eight - A picture from you last year, and now. What has changed since then?

Day Twenty nine - In this past month, what have you learned?

Day Thirty - Your favorite song

Drunken blogging, which I didn't get to do.

2009-01-03T16:15:00.002-05:00

Why not, you ask?

Because Kid sat by me the whole freaking night. He was up my ass, being all nice & huggy & kissy . He is going to drive me up a fucking wall with his "I love you my sweetheart, my baby." I really need the little barfing smiley.

I just do not, in anyway, understand how he thinks I can just set it all aside. I do believe that he is more controlling & manipulative than I ever thought he was. When I was extremely fat & submissive, he didn't feel threatened. But now that I have gained some confidence & independence, it makes him nervous. Now that I have said on multiple occasions how miserable I am, he is scared. As he fucking should be.

I am not the type of person that is very huggy anyway, so to have his hands all over me & him whispering how he wants to...... well, let's just say get nasty, LOL, it turns me off. He turns me off.

I never realized how hard it would be to pretend to enjoy him. To pretend that everything is okay. I fight so hard not to cringe when he comes near me. I hate this, all of it.

I am trying so hard to hold out until all this lawsuit bullshit is done, because if he gets a fat chunk of change, I want half. If I leave before that happens, I'll have to fight for it.

I fantasize about it being alot & I have the option to say "Okay, kids, this is where we are going." Hire a moving truck & go.

My requirements to the perfect place to live:

1. Good schools.
2. Good work options.
3. Good camping.
4. Good family area.
5. A freaking good hockey team, so we can go to games whenever we want!!

First priority, getting my teeth fixed. That alone will send my confidence through the roof.

Well, I better go. Need to take a shower & get ready to go to Walmart to spend some more money!!

Me...

2009-01-01T22:06:00.001-05:00

I am done with Kid. I told him tonight if he doesn't quit drinking it is over, but really, I know he won't quit drinking so it is over. Believe me I know that you cannot tell an alcoholic to quit, I know better than anyone, but I hate him when he is drunk & the only way I could even consider staying with him is if he quits. I can't do it anymore, I can't be with him anymore. I just want him to leave. The love is gone, no getting it back.

I don't want to be in a relationship, I just want a friend with benefits. Someone I can go out with on a Sat. night, someone I can make out with in the back of the car. Someone I can send dirty texts too & have sexy phone conversations. I don't ever want to get married again, at least not until my kids are grown & I can keep my independence.

I tried to get a credit card online, I want to get my teeth fixed so bad it hurts. I swear, if my teeth weren't so bad, I'd be a flirting fool & I would so flirt with my crush.

I am so fucking scared. How the hell am I going to take care of 3 kids?? I was trying to figure out a budget, like how much my bills will cost every month & if I can even possibly pay them on $7.65 an hour. I know he is supposed to pay child support too but what if he doesn't? I guess all these questions will get answered whether I like it or not *sigh*. Please tell me I'll be able to do this??

I lied.....

2008-12-31T01:24:00.001-05:00

I'm still crushing.

Do you know how sad it is that I need to get drunk to enjoy sex with Kid?

Anyhow.....

I got a good compliment tonight. From one of the stockers. The conversation went kind of like this.... Well, no, I don't think it went like that at all, but this was the whole point, LOL.

C: You better watch out, you're husband is going to get jealous. He's going to start stalking you, thinking you have a boyfriend.

Me: He already thinks I have a boyfriend.

C: Well yea, look at you.

Everyone has been saying nice things to me. But why is it so hard for me to see it??

I am a mental case.

I nearly ran into my crush today & it scared the crap out of me, LOL. I came around the corner as he was coming around the corner & we both stopped dead. He put his hand on his chest. I didn't even think he was working today.

For some reason today I saw him sooo much. Everywhere I went, he was somewhere around. He went to the bathroom & he cut through self checkout, which he never does. I was in the backroom & he was there for a minute. I went out to break & he was going in. I got my share of eye candy today, LOL.

Okay, I'm buzzin' a bit so this is going to seem sporadic.

Kid is falling more in love with me as I am falling more out of love with him.

You really want to know what I hope 2009 brings me? I want to be single, I desperately want to be single. This is how 2009 should go for me to make me happy.

Kid gets his lawsuit & it is fucking fat!!!!

I haed to the dentist for implants & walk out with agorgeous smile.

Before the day is over I have money transferred to my account & Kid's bags packed by the door.

And this should all happen, oh, I don't know, IN FEBRUARY!!!!!!! For my birthday. That would be a most excellent birthday gift, I must say.

A little side note, I am slightly drunk.

I want to hold hands. I want to feel fingers through my hair. I want to feel hands on my hips. I want to feel lips on my neck. I want to feel arms around me.

I can get all of this, right now, but it's the wrong person.

I want a divorce with a booty call on the weekends, or any time, LOL. I just want to date. I want to be young & carefree.

I have started to wear bracelets & earrings & painting my nails. I am starting to feel more like me again. When I was fat, I wore what fit, didn't matter how it looked & I dod not, in any way draw attention to myself. Now I thrive on attention, to a certain point. I like to be noticed. I like when I make a guy nervous, LOL. I do retarded things, like hold my head a certain way, flip my hair, look up in a coy way, yea, I do all those retarded things. I like it.

But then I feel worthless. Acccckkkkk. I am so fucked!!!!

Well, I guess I better end this. I am drunk & I do actually have to work tomorrow afternoon, ugghh.

Oh, I almost forgot, we got foodstamps, $840 fucking dollars!!!!!!!!!! I think that is back payment, but whatever. I am so freaking happy!! I spent nearly $200 after work tonight, completely filled the deep freezer. I still have $600 something left. We are going shopping on Fri. I am so fukcing happy!!

Why the need to confess?

2008-12-27T14:19:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I feel the need to confess everything, all. the. time. But I do think I figured out why I feel the need to confess to a certain person. I want him to know that his compliment did not go unnoticed. I feel kind of guilty for not acknowledging it at the time. It made my day actually & I don't know why I didn't say thank you, LOL. Well, I do know why, but that doesn't matter.

So, I guess I feel like if I say I think you are cute, then he will know that I noticed.

Ack, I don't know, I just don't know.

It shouldn't even matter, I'm freakin' married!! So very unhappily married, but married all the same.

So, I'm thinking I'll get drunk tonight & send a message then I can say, omg, I was so drunk, I can't believe I did that .

I really do want to get drunk tonight, I need the release, I want to do more than that but I'll be a good girl........... maybe.

I'm feeling a bit wordy today, so I'm sure I will be back at some point.

Sex & lies....

2008-12-27T10:57:00.001-05:00

I wanted to write this last night because I was so emotional. Kid wanted sex, he said he wanted a quick one, I was not in the mood at 3am but then figured whatever. It wasn't quick & I tried so hard to enjoy it. I tried to conjure up mental images of other people & places but it just didn't work. I did not get off& when he was finished I started to cry. Not loudly, just tears & he didn't know. I went to the bathroom & forced the tears to stop.

I cried because I do not want any part of him touching me. He was making love to me, kissing me, touching me, being gentle & loving & I hated it. I am living a lie & it is tearing me up inside. I can't tell him because he won't listen. I tried.

When will all this be over? When will I be free? How can I possibly get away?

I am drowning.........

Concussion?

2008-12-26T12:40:00.000-05:00

I think that I have a concussion. All the symptoms lead to that.

Almost 2 weeks ago, I was reading to Zach, I got up to get something & when I came back, as I was going to sit on the bed, I hit my head on the wall, right at the really hard part at the back of my skull. I hit it so hard that my head bounced off the wall & the girls heard it all the way in their bedroom. But since it didn't leave a bump or hurt for more than a minute, I thought nothing of it. The very next day was when I started feeling like this.

WebMD

What is a concussion?

A concussion is a brain injury that is caused by a sudden blow to the head or to the body. The blow shakes the brain inside the skull, which temporarily prevents the brain from working normally.

Some people have obvious symptoms of a concussion (such as passing out or feeling lightheaded), while others do not. With rest, most people fully recover from concussions within a few hours to a few weeks.

On rare occasions, concussions cause more serious problems. Repeated concussions or a severe concussion may require surgery or lead to long-lasting problems with movement, learning, or speaking. Because of the small chance of permanent brain problems, it is important to contact a doctor if you or someone you know has symptoms of a concussion.

My symptoms:

Feeling lightheaded, seeing "stars," having blurry vision, or experiencing ringing in the ears.
Not being able to stand or walk; or having coordination and balance problems.
Feeling nauseous or throwing up.
Changes in your ability to think, concentrate, or remember.
Headaches or blurry vision.
Changes in your sleep patterns, such as not being able to sleep or sleeping all the time.
Changes in your personality such as becoming angry or anxious for no clear reason.
Lack of interest in your usual activities.
Changes in your sex drive.
Dizziness, lightheadedness, or unsteadiness that makes standing or walking difficult.

That is exactly how I feel. Do you think it could be a concussion?

I just hope I feel better soon *sigh*. I do not want to go to the hospital to have it checked out, I just want to feel better .

Yesterday's blog post.

2008-12-26T12:26:00.001-05:00

I posted this yesterday at the other place, LOL.

First mistake of the day, I fucked up my green bean casserole. I forgot to mix the soup with milk & then when I tried to mix it together in the pan, the beans fell apart. I wasn't too heartbroken though because I was kicking myself for not using frozen beans. I scrounged in the freezer & found some frozen green beans & found a can of mushroom soup in the cabinet, so I saved that dish.

Then I noticed that I didn't plug in the crockpot with the stuffing. WTF?? I went to stir it & it felt cold & that was when I realized what I had forgotten.

Then I just discovered that I forgot to take out the freaking giblet pack from the turkey.

Jeez, what the hell is wrong with me??

I have felt like a complete airhead all day. When I nap, I can barely sleep, I can't shut my mind off. It races in a million different directions. I am starting to think there is something really wrong with me .

Kid is pissy & I can't care, which makes him even more pissy. I took a bath & he asked me if I wanted him to shave me & I said no, then he asked if I wanted help & I said no. How can I say yes??

But the kids had a good Christmas. They are very happy with what they got.

I talked to Terry, he sounded good.

I decided that I need a day for me, just for me. So, on Sunday I am going to go get my eyebrows waxed & finally get highlights. Then go have lunch somewhere & then go see a movie.

Of course I'm sure I'll come home to "Did you see your boyfriend, did you have a good day with your boyfriend, did you fuck your boyfriend?"

I'm back, we ate the dinner & went for a drive. It was nice, except Kid sat at the table saying how he didn't belong here. Then as we were leaving he was saying shit like "You all go off to look at lights while I stay here & do dishes." My response was "You went to see Joe & Tiger from 11 to 3 while I stayed home & cooked."

Yea, he was basically drunk & passed out before we got home.

I wrote in my journal last night, something that I am so embarrassed about, something that I am still debating about posting. You know me, I'm sure I will post it...... later. I just can't keep a damn thing to myself. You must think I am psychotic.

Well, I'm off for a bit, I may or may not be back to post my embarrassing "secret".

Buzzin' blogging.

2008-12-20T00:55:00.003-05:00

I have that warm fuzzy feeling all inside, I like it.

I am bored so I'll blog. S came on yahoo & it was obvious where his mind is at & I am just not in the mood. I haven't talked to him in ages & really don't feel like "talking" tonight.

I am so disillusioned right now. I feel so negative & cynical. Kid is all insecure & whiny, lucky for me he is really tired & has to work tomorrow, so he fell asleep.

I have had this headache all week, right behind my eyes. My head feels all cloudy. I am thinking it has to be sinuses. It has me in a bit of a shitty mood. I didn't say hi to him when I came home & it just ruined his night.

I have so much going on in my head like all the time.

Crazy weird thoughts. I am having weird dreams. I dream about people all the time now. I just can't shut nothin' off.

I decided I need to eat healthy again. I actually had a salad with my pizza tonight & it was sooo good. I wanted to lick the plate when I was done.

People are so weird. I actually had a lady get mad at me today for the way I was bagging. She said something like she wouldn't be able to pick up the bag, I immediately wanted to be shitty & put one item in each bag but I didn't, I kept the smile on my face & said Happy Holidays in my friendliest voice!!

I had a guy try to sneak 2 18 packs of beer out. He kept his cart close to the register & unloaded from the end of the cart. He put one 18 pack up but said nothing about the other 2 & after he paid & was moving forward I saw one & said oh, I didn't see the other 18 pack, then I saw the 3rd one.

I get so pissy when I catch people who are obviously trying to steal. I take it as they are stealing from me. When I know they are not, they are stealing from Walmart, why should I care, LOL. But I can't help but take it personally.

And actually, they are stealing from me, from my bonus. They, the other employees, were expecting a bonus but we are being sued, already, a lady fell. Another lady fell a week or so ago. She slipped in vomit *gag*. I'm sure she will sue. There goes any bonus, out the door. Alex said "I wonder how many incidents the super centers have?" I wonder too now.
We have so many old people in our store. I just can't deal with grouchy old people. Grouchy old people & bratty kids, not my easiest people to deal with.

Most days I want to just crawl under a rock.

Kid makes my life a living hell with his mood swings & insecurities.

I am sorry this is so jumbled, my thoughts are jumbled.

I had a mother & daughter in my line first thing this morning, actually my very first customers, they were having a disagreement. The mom paid & walked off, she sat on the bench crying, while the daughter vented to me. I understand mothers & daughters fight, all the time, it is natural. But I wanted to tell that daughter that my mom died 5 years ago, I wish I could talk to her one more time. I miss her so much.

I was thinking the other day how I would just like to become Anjie, but part of me is afraid that my mom picked the name Anjare & I would be losing a valuable gift from her. But part of me thinks she wasn't as crazy about that name, I never ever, in my whole life, remember her calling me Anjare, she always called me Anjie, or Anjie Lu. My dad called me Anjare. Makes me think it was his choice.

One more drink & I am off to bed.

I see old couples & I wonder if they are happy or if they have just settled. I feel like so many people settle. I long for someone that I can feel like an equal too. I feel like Kid & I are both on edge all the time. I give him shit for drinking & smoking so he is always on the defensive. He gives me shit for being on the computer so I am always afraid to be on here, then when I am, I go on the defensive. I hate this life, hate it, with a passion. I hate every part of it.

Tonight I got bitched at for not bitching at the kids for their messes. I don't give a fuck about the messes. I can barely crawl out of bed in the morning, I just don't give a fuck.

Zach is hooked on the computer, it is so damn cute, LOL. Tonight I painted the missing letters on the keyboard with white nail polish, just for him, it is rather odd looking at the keyboard now, LOL. I should take a picture.

Every time Kid says you don't want to be with me anymore, I know it, I want to SCREAM at him "You are so fucking right!!!!! I don't want to be with you, I keep telling you that!!" But you know what stops me, the memory of the night I told him how I felt & he touched me all night & cried about me wanting a divorce. No matter how many times I told him not to touch me, his hands were on me.

I can't bare the thought of him touching me. I hate this. I am actually afraid that I will never want to be touched again.

I feel so fucked in my head.

Well, my drink is almost gone now. I am so tired, lots to do tomorrow.

Thanks for reading my mess, if you got this far.

And what stupid thing did I do today?

2008-12-18T22:15:00.002-05:00

I confessed to Kid that my grandma & Terry sent me money last year. Why did I do that? Maybe I was ready for a clear conscience. Maybe I was hoping it really wouldn't be a big deal. Yea, smack me up side my head, I should totally know better. All this came about because my grandma sent a check today for Christmas. I just let it out. I told him I didn't tell him last year because I wanted to blow it. I thought he would make me deposit to pay bills. I told him the truth. He laughed it off at the time. But now tonight it's all about you lied to me, why did you lie to me. You don't love me because you lied to me.

If we are going to talk about lies, then what about the smoking lie. Every time he comes inside he smells like smoke & he even tastes like it when I kiss him, but he says no no no. This morning I walked outside to ask him something, he wasn't in the chair, but his paper & coffee were, I knew he was smoking, so I went to his car & caught him lighting one.

That is a lie, a flat out lie. But no, my lie a year ago is bigger & worse. His daily lies are nothing.

But I won't go on about this.

Life is basically the same. Christmas is next week, I am basically ready though it really doesn't feel like it at all this year, I don't know why. I just want it to be over with already *sigh*.

Tomorrow is our pot luck at work. I couldn't figure out anything to make, and then I remembered that I had sweetened condensed milk & I thought about those 7 layer bars. I amazingly had all the ingredients so I made those & they smell divine, LOL.

I have to start eating good again. I have been eating so bad ever since I started working at Walmart. Too much junky food at my fingertips. Plus we are eating like shit here at home, it is so hard to be motivated to cook when I am working so much.

I desperately want to quit the cleaners but I can't just yet.

I have a crush on this guy who works in the deli. He is really cute & funny. Though he doesn't talk to me, LOL. He did call me pretty the other day & I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. But now he doesn't even acknowledge me, oh well. I am a married woman after all. It's just a little crush. I am not pursuing anything at all, I am not stupid.

But I did wonder, not that I could ever do it, I wondered what it would be like to be single, as in no kids, no husband. I think that at 32 it is natural to wonder that. I have been a mom & wife my whole adult life, I don't know any other life. I said to Kid the other day I wonder how we would be if we didn't live our lives for our kids. I didn't tell him that I knew I wouldn't be with him.

Well, I better go now, for real. I'm getting sleepy. Nite!!

Kinda funny, kinda stupid but totally me :P .

2008-12-13T02:18:00.001-05:00

It is 2am, we are baking tomorrow & yet here I sit. Actually, I just sat down, with a piece of caramel apple pie which is absolutely divine.

I had to blog this though because it is a testament to how retarded I am .

After the kids finally fell asleep & after the Panthers beat the Calgary Flames in a shootout, which I had to watch online, which I got lucky enough to find online, I gathered my shopping bags from the closet to start wrapping gifts.

I bought 3 rolls of wrapping paper today, one of them I absolutely love. I have to have several kinds of paper under the tree, I am anal like that. I actually had at one point like 15 different rolls of paper, but I lost it all in the flood.

So, I'm just a happy wrapping mom... wrap..... tag.... wrap..... tag. All the gifts in a nice neat pile, 3 wrapped in this paper & 3 wrapped in that paper, etc, LOL.

As I get down to the last 3 gifts, it occurs to me that for the first time, everything is completely different. Usually there will be 3 of the same box because everyone got pjs, or books, or a movie. Not this time. This time every thing except for 2 boxes, is completely different, and those 2 boxes shake differently . And that was when I decided that I did not want these gifts tagged.

I want to be the only one to know who all these gifts are for. I don't want them to pick up a gift & shake it & say "Oh, I think this is ______, just what I asked for." I want them to wonder who it is for & then what it is, LOL.

But of course all the gifts are tagged. So, I very gently try to take the tags off, didn't work. It didn't rip the paper but it made for a white nearly see through spot in the paper. So, I then start to cut out scraps of the matching paper. And on a few, can you believe it, I even cut it out to match perfectly. But it is obvious that I altered these packages because my tape is plain old scotch tape, not the transparent tape.

Yes, I am anal. And I always will be.

Off to take some Nyquil & hopefully sleep in a bit.

Words don't mean a damn thing.

2008-12-08T23:24:00.001-05:00

Kid & I had another one of those fights on Fri. night. He was just horribly annoying. All I wanted to do was IM with Quinn & have a few drinks. I wanted to enjoy my night off doing something that I find entertaining. But he had to get in my face with his lame, tired ass insecurities. He was so bad that I actually tried to leave, he stopped me from getting in my van so I took off walking down the street. He naturally got in the car & followed me. If I didn't have my freaking slippers on I would have kept on walking. I figured it was a waste of time to try to get away, so I turned around & came home. All he kept saying was get in the car, I'm sorry, I love you. But after we got home, he just went on & on. At one point I laid in bed just bawling my eyes out, hating all this so much. I got up to go in the kitchen & he ran after me. He just kept at me, constantly.

I told him that I cannot stand him when he has a buzz & if he doesn't quit drinking, then I am leaving. But those words don't mean a damn thing if I don't do it *sigh* . Just like his words don't mean a damn thing to me.

I have always felt that a person should not force another person to quit something. I do not want to force him to quit drinking, I just can't stand him when he is drinking. So, if he expects me to stay with him, and love him, he needs to quit, I'm sorry but that is how I feel.

He won't quit, I know this, so I am just bidding my time until I can leave.

Sat. he was of course sober & apologetic. But very reserved & quiet. He decided though, at the last minute that we should throw caution to the wind & go to the hockey game. We did have a good time, $150 later, even though the Panthers lost, really bad!!

I never did finish my blog about camping, now I am too tired & I don't have the time in the next week. We are baking this weekend & I have a bunch of shit to do to prepare for it. So, in a nutshell, we had a great weekend. I will upload the rest of the pics though, I got some good ones.

I am getting sick, I feel like shit. I cannot get sick, I mean it!! So I just took some Nyquil & a Cold Eaze (?). I'll also be taking Echinacea before I go to bed. I just absolutely cannot get sick!!!

Okay, off to bed now. Nite!!

Eggshells.

2008-12-04T23:59:00.000-05:00

Walking on eggshells, that is how I live anymore, actually that is how we live anymore. I say someone is cute, he assumes I am looking for someone else. I am too tired to have sex, he assumes I don't love him anymore. If I come on the computer, he says I love my computer more than him.

He even says shit to Cheyenne, that I don't want to be with him anymore, that I don't love him. She got so sick of it last night that she snapped at him & it pissed him off. Maybe a 13 year old shouldn't snap at her dad like that, but I know for damn sure that a dad shouldn't be laying his fucking insecurities at his 13 year olds feet.

I can't do this.

I cannot be myself in anyway. I have to sneak to come online & if he hears me typing, he comes around checking to see if I am chatting with anyone. I have to baby him & his feelings & I can't fucking stand it.

For the record, I have not talked to anyone online in such a long time.

I do realize that it is my fault, that I brought it on myself. But what the fuck did he expect me to do when he treated me so badly for so long. It's not like I went out & got physical with someone, I just freaking chatted, that is it!! Get the fuck over it, set it aside & move the fuck on!!

I really think that I do not love him anymore. I am trying. I think that I want to. But I just lose patience with this immaturity.

No, he is not what I want anymore. I know he sees it, feels it, and that is where alot of his insecurities come from. No matter how nice he is, when he is sober; no matter how loving he is... when he is sober; I just can't find it inside myself.

I guess I thought & hoped that if he changed, my feelings would change, but I guess it really is "too little too late".

Thanksgiving Camping Trip

2008-12-02T23:38:00.007-05:00

So, I had to work on Thursday until 12:15, they really needed me to stay but I really didn't want too. I also figured that since I was already losing the time & a half pay because of taking off on Friday, then what was the point. I needed this break. I had a million things to do before we left anyway.

We left here at like 3:30 & got there at almost 5:30. They still have a lot of the campground closed off so there weren't very many spots to choose from, the one we ended up picking was site 13 & it was perfect. After we pulled in & got out we realized that we had been there before, at that site, it is huge. We camped at that site when we camped Feb of 07, when it got to like 30 something at night, LOL.

I took this picture on Sat.

One thing we did notice is that alot of the vegetation through the park has been burned. We think that it was from precsribed fire as opposed to natural wild fires. The pine lands thrive on fire so they periodically prescribe fire to help simulate what nature is meant to do.

I was a little disappointed at first because I thought it would take away from that private feeling we always got when we camped there but really it was fine. They really do have the layout in that campground set up very nicely.

We got the tent set up before dark but we ended up setting up everything else in the dark. It wasn't as bad as I had always assumed it would be. Then we settled in around the camp fire at about 8pm to enjoy a nice Thanksgiving meal consisting of grilled cheeses sandwiches & smores.

It got down in the 50s that night so it as quite chilly. I actually woke up alot through the night, basically whenever I moved & hit a cold spot on the bed, which was wherever my body was not at, LOL.

We got up early on Friday & had bagels & coffee/hot cocoa, while waiting for Kid to arrive. He got there around 12, I guess. The kids were so excited. We had lunch & headed over to the Anihinga Trail to see if we could see any gators.

At the start of the trail.

The Everglades are still very very wet for this time of the year, I was quite surpised & very happy, LOL. Though because of how wet it still is, we didn't see very many gators. As the dry season continues, the more the Glades dry up, then the gators congregate where the water is.

But Cheyenne spotted this little baby on the right side of the trail, a place we have never seen a gator before. He was so freaking small & soo cute, we just wanted to pick him up, LOL.

He looks like he is smiling, LOL.

Like I said we only saw a few gators, this big boy being one of them.

And this smaller one.

And we did see a few in the water.

I love this picture because of the way the clouds are reflecting off the water, it was just really neat. It was an absolutely beautiful day!!

But it was nice being together as a family. I felt kind of out of my comfort zone a few times, because we never do anything together as a family. It almost felt like dating, and introducing my new boyfriend to my kids, at least how I imagine it would feel like. It was kind of a bizarre feeling at times.

After the Anhinga Trail we walked the short Gumbo Limbo trail, reading signs & learning stuff, LOL. This was a cool picture, just a little water hole, but it looked so wild.

That is one reason I love the Everglades so much, there is so much wildness down there. Like when we walk the various trails, the boardwalks lead through a tangle of trees, it's hard to image people & animals being able to weave their way through.

Then a short stop at the Visitors Center. Where I bought a magnet to add to the fridge. I decided from now on, wherever we go, I am buying a magnet, it is a cheap & easy way to collect souvenirs.

Posing with the Panther, LOL.

Then we headed to Walmart to pick up some ice & ant spray, we managed to somehow put the table in a pile of red ants.

We ended up stopping at this little store not far from the campground, it was like 4:30, the sign said it closes at 5, but the reason we stopped was for ice, it was amazingly much cheaper than Walmart. The old lady was eating when we walked in & she gave us kind of a nasty look & asked what she could get us & when we said 3 bags of ice, she said "Oh" & her whole demeanor changed, it was quite funny, LOL. I'm guessing she was annoyed at the possibility of messing up her clean grill so close to closing .

Anyway, Briana & Zach wanted a picture with the rather fake looking gator in the parking lot.

When we got back to the campsite we decided to have the fire & make hot dogs before we headed back to the Trail to see if we could see the eye shine of some gators. I just love that trail at night. Again, we saw a few, not much at all though, but at least Kid could get an idea of what we are always talking about.

We relit the camp fire & ate smores. Zach crawled up in my lap & fell asleep. I just loved holding him like a baby again. I grab those moments whenever I can!! However, because he fell asleep the way he did, he ended up peeing the bed. Thankfully I always prepare for anything so I was able to change him & the sheets rather quickly. The kids all settled in the tent & fell asleep pretty fast.

Kid & I sat around the fire, talking, drinking beer, LOL. I told him alot of shit, I also told him that I feel like he doesn't trust me & he needs to set everything he has read & heard aside. I have set a bunch of shit aside & now it is his turn. I'm not sure if he can or will, but I said my peace. I am quite happy with the way that night turned out.

Alright, I am really tired. I'll finish this tomorrow before I go to work. I don't have to wotk at the cleaners & I don't start at Walmart until 2:30 so I'll have the whole morning. I won't be able to do much cleaning as I hurt my back, so no bending for me.

I also had my second phone interview today for food stamps. It looks promising, I hope *sigh*.

Okay, night all.

Unexplainable.

2008-11-23T23:58:00.001-05:00

I just couldn't explain to Kid why I feel so depressed. He automatically thought it was because I'm not happy.

I left work early, like 2 hours early. I shouldn't have but it was so dead & I just didn't want to be there. Then I nearly burst into tears as I was heading home from work. I then fought off the tears all night long.

I don't know where it is coming from. It can't be because of work, I have a nice long 3 day weekend coming up.

Zach is having tooth pain & that is hard, especially with camping this weekend. He has a cavity on a tooth that has already been filled.

I just made up my mind, when I looked in the fridge & realized the jello I bought is sugar free, that I am going to start buying sugar free everything. I am going to buy sugar free drink mixes, all the sweets I buy, I'm going to be sure to buy all of them sugar free. I'll even start buying sugar free cookies.

In the mean time, I hope it works, Kid is going to take him to the doctor tomorrow to see if they will give him antibiotics. That will help with the pain right? And I will call to set up an appointment with his dentist. His dentist is only there on Fridays & Sat. & he can't wait until this weekend, besides we won't be here. Uggghhhh, I'm so tired of this. It's just because he eats so much shit. And it's all my fault, makes me feel like a bad mom. *sigh*

Well, I'm tired, better get some sleep, work tomorrow early, phone calls to make & cleaning to do.

Do you believe in signs?

2008-11-20T18:32:00.002-05:00

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. Not sure if it is fate or whatever but for every action there is a reaction, and I believe the majority of the time, the reaction was probably already meant to be, understand what I'm trying to say here, LOL?

Anyway, the reason for all that mess, Kid told me the other night to just take the kids camping next weekend. I said no, we don't have the money, the van needs a water pump, camping is a lot of work, I'd have so much to do before we go, blah, blah, blah, every excuse you can think of, I had it. But they are very legitimate excuses.

As I was pressing yesterday morning & thinking about how much life sucks, LOL, I told myself that I was going to stop at Publix & if they had firewood, it was a sign, a sign that we are meant to go camping. And they had firewood, a shit ton of it, LOL. (We had a cold front this week, the lows were in the 50's all week, which is why they had firewood, they do every year but not usually until after Thanksgiving.)

The thing is, I have next Saturday & Sunday off. On Thanksgiving, I work 8:15 to 12:15, I am scheduled to work on Friday, 9:45 to 6:45. I was going to check the schedule to see who is off on Friday & see if I can switch with them, like for Monday, because I am off, but then said fuck it. I was concerned about missing the hours, that would make for a very small paycheck, but actually, I was scheduled to be off on Tues & Pat asked me if I wanted to work & of course I said yes, so there you go, my paycheck won't be any smaller at all.

I have not missed a day of work since I was hired. And I take great pride in that, LOL. But I decided that it's a job, I won't get any special rewards or bonuses, LOL, it's just a job. Yes, it is a responsibility, a necessity, what ever, but I need this weekend, we as a family need this weekend. But I admit, I do feel a little guilty for calling off *sigh*.

I miss my kids like crazy!! Cheyenne was texting me last night, keeping me updated on the game, I told her I wished I was watching with her. And she said she wished I was there too, that she misses me. I swear I nearly cried.

I worked 57 hours this week, 7 days, from Saturday until today (Friday). I have worked nearly 2 weeks straight. The reason I bitch & complain all the time about it is because I don't fucking want to do it. I am not a workaholic, I do not get pleasure from all this, honestly, all I fucking get is a small ass paycheck & a big ass headache.

Anyway, back to camping. When I told Kid that I made the decision to go, he was pissy & bitched a little. But after I asked him to go to & he really started to think about it, he was all happy & excited about it. He went to work today so he is going to get the water pump fixed tomorrow. He won't come down with us on Thurs, he'll come down on Friday but he is staying until Sunday. And I am actually excited about that. He has been so good to me, well, to all of us lately.

Alright, I am done, I have a migraine & a bunch of shit to do, so I'm going to go.

By the way, I don't think it was Jesse. If Jesse was here, he would be hanging around by now or at least I would have seen him by now. I am extremely relieved!!

Freaking the fuck out.....

2008-11-19T00:24:00.002-05:00

I am sitting back here, listening for every little sound, but yet too nervous to look out the window.

Kid told me that today when he took Cheyenne to Payless they saw someone who looked just like Jesse; dressed like him, had a hat like him, walked like him & Cheyenne even said he smoked like him. Kid said that if that guy wasn't Jesse, he is Jesse's twin. Now seeing a guy walking down Federal highway, not far from our house wouldn't really be all that scary, but Kid then said he saw that guy first, walking at the end of our street but didn't get a good look at him until he saw him again, by Payless.

I did already have Kid check the front & back before he went to bed but I am just really freaked out, hearing all kinds of noises. I really really hope that it is not Jesse. I really can't deal with him right now. But more than anything, I want to know.

Kid was good to me last night, he did come back to the kitchen & put all the food away. And he did rub my shoulders & feet. He did all the dishes today, he folded all the laundry, fixed my bag of food for lunch & cooked dinner for the kids.

I am not as tired tonight, Sharon let me go at a little after 10, I was so happy. As much as we need the money, I don't need to be killing myself either.

Well, that's all I got, going to bed now. Another long one tomorrow. Nite.

Pity party for one please??

2008-11-17T22:00:00.003-05:00

I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed & I don't know how I am going to make it.

How do people do it, this 2 job, 7 days a week bullshit, how do they manage it?

My house is a fucking wreck, not that that is any different than before but now I truly do not have the time to clean it. We aren't eating good at all because I don't have the time to cook a damn thing. I need to go grocery shopping but I don't have the time.

My schedule right now:

Saturday, we got up early & went clothes shopping for the kids, they needed some warm clothes with winter officially starting, came home just in time to shove food in my mouth & change, then off to work from 3 to 12.

Sunday, basically the same except I slept just a little later, like 10 or 10:30 I think, off to Target, home in time to eat lunch but Kid was here to pack my food for me, then off to work from 3 to 12, was supposed to be 11 but 2 cashiers called off & Cheryl didn't want to stay alone & I wouldn't leave her alone, that's not very nice, LOL.

I cannot remember when my last day off was, I think it was last Saturday or maybe it was last Monday.

Anyway, I didn't get home until nearly 12:30 last night, had to do a load of laundry all because I told Kid not to do it, why would I do that, uggghhh?? So I was climbing into bed at 1:30. When I woke up at 7, I literally felt like I had just closed my eyes.

I went to work at the cleaners. All I could think about was coming home to take a nap before I went grocery shopping. Then she came back & asked if I could work late & I said yes, like a dumbass. At one point I almost cried because I was feeling so sorry for myself, lame, I know. I do all of this for what?? Well, then I started thinking okay, how late is late, maybe only 1, that is not so bad. But then she came over at 12 & asked if I could work until 2 & I said yes but I had to eat. After lunch she then came over & asked if I could work until 3.

There went my whole afternoon, no time for a nap, no time to grocery shop, as I had to pick up all the kids at a little after 4. So I went to Walmart to exchange a shirt that I bought Zach & return a bunch of jeans the girls didn't want.

What do I do when I get depressed....... eat & shop. The 2 things that are killing me. I bought a new toaster oven & a new teapot.

Ok, back, had to leave for a bit, take the girls for new sneakers & go to Walmart for some food stuff, a small grocery, for the week.

I was talking to Kid about all this & I nearly cried because I was thinking about all this shit, all this working & between all this, I have no time at all for myself. No time to do something I really want to do.

I am just really tired & really depressed, it's also that time of the month already & that is totally fucking with my head.

Okay, a funny little story & then I am off to take a hot bath & hopefully get my feet & shoulders rubbed, I am aching all over tonight.

So, this old guy, he stocks at night, well, he isn't old, I think he is 43, he was talking to me while I was on lunch last night. He was telling me about how he works 3 jobs but what he really wants is to get his business going. I asked what kind of business it was & he said he sold stuff, like watches, sunglasses, clothes...... lingerie. He then shows me this paper with the lingerie on it, this is not your classy Victoria Secret lingerie, this is like nipple-less bras (with the chic sqeezing her nipples, thank you) & black leather looking stuff, really sleazy stuff, LOL. I was like, OMG, I am looking at this in the freaking break room at Walmart, I was nearly blushing, LOL.

Well, then he hands me this fat, like 1 inch thick catalog & all I could think was oh boy, what could this be, LOL. Imagine my surprise when I opened it to discover TOYS!!!!! I was blushing over the lingerie, imagine what I was thinking now!! Needless to say, I wasn't very comfortable looking through it in the break room, what if Pat had walked through or something, LOL.

Well, I guess I am done. Kid worked today, so he is oh sooooo tired & wants to go to bed, leaving me to work on laundry & put away the food from dinner. I think I'll eat a chocolate bar first. He won't rub my shoulders until I take a shower & I am far from being ready for a shower yet, so I guess he'll be asleep.

Yea, it is time for that candy bar *sigh* . Don't mind me, I'm just feeling sorry for myself like a big fat loser.

Oh, by the way, in the next 3 days, I will only see my kids for 15 to 20 minutes in the morning :( . And for about 2 hours on Thurs. My schedule will be 8 to 12 at the cleaners & 3 to 12, possibly 11 at Walmart for the next 2 nights & 8 to 1, 2, or maybe even 3 at the cleaners on Thurs, then 7 to 12 at Walmart. That makes me sad.

I wish....

2008-11-16T02:03:00.000-05:00

I could be less of an 'all or nothing' kind of person.

I desperately want to go camping at some point this winter. There is most likely no way in hell we will be able to go for 3 nights. I want to just be able to throw the tent in the van with the bare necessities & just go for a night or 2, but I don't know if I can possibly do that. I start with saying okay, we need this & this, but then we might need this & oh wait, this is important & we can't forget this & before you know it, it's taking 3 hours to load the van & it is packed to the roof.

This coming weekend would be ideal. I am off on Friday & Saturday, and I don't have to be at work until 3 on Sunday. I could throw caution to the wind, throw the tent, chairs, the mattresses & sleeping bags in the van; load the cooler with food & some drinks. Camp Friday & Saturday & be home on Sunday. It won't happen because 1. the money is always an issue, 2. I need a water pump for my van, 3. money, money, money.

*sigh*

I better go. I have to work at some point tomorrow & I told the girls we might be able to do a little more shopping.

Fucking annoying.....

2008-11-14T23:58:00.001-05:00

Kid's been drinking & not only that, he bought a case of beer tonight so that means he will be back to drinking every night.

He sat here, blah, blah, blah-ing at me about stupid shit, looking at me with that glazed over dumb ass look on his face. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I have a headache, have had it all night, my eyes hurt, I feel sick, I'm just going to go to bed. I told him I just need to go to bed. Then he said "What, do you want to talk to someone, is that why you want me to go to bed?" He apparently heard me tell him to go to bed.

What the fuck?????

I hate when he has been drinking, hate it, hate it, hate it!!!!!!!

I'm working 3 to 12 tomorrow & 3 to 11 on Sunday so I won't have to deal with it but for a short time, thankfully.

Well, I just wanted to bitch, I'm off to bed, I need to get rid of this headache. Plus I need to be up kind of early in the am to take the kids clothes shopping, cold front coming & they need some stuff.

Nite.

My life has been....

2008-11-13T23:48:00.001-05:00

sooooooo boring.

Work, come home, work, come home.

I am completely depressed over my teeth. I have a front tooth that has a big chip, has had a big chip for a long long time, well, it is chipped worse & I am so afraid it is going to just break right off. I just want to cry. So, I'm going to make some phone calls & see how much it will cost to have it pulled, along with 1 more that is broken very low, that is on the top, more towards the back & get a 3 tooth partial (I am already missing a front tooth). I don't have any money but I need to see how much it will cost.

Kid's mom did bail us out with a little bit of money. I did make $576 total (between both jobs) this week. And Kid is working tomorrow & hopefully some next week.

The biggest reason I didn't pursue the CSM job, and you are so going to think this is lame, but it's because of my teeth. I am not comfortable talking to anybody at all. And the CSM has to talk to everybody. My teeth have hampered my personality in more ways than I could ever explain, there is just know way I could make you understand how I feel about them . When I talk to people, all I can think about is how hideous my teeth must look. When people talk to me, I can barely look them in the ey, my eyes are so busy staring at their teeth. It is just so fucked up.

Anyway........

I had my 90 day evaluation. Pat is very pleased with me. She knows how badly I want to go full time so she is going to see what she can do for me. She was so excited that I had perfect attendance, she even told Frank, the manager. Of cousre he said "Anjie, Anjie who?" Because I am so freaking quiet . However, I did find out that they no longer give a raise after 90 days so I will be making a lousy $7.65 for the next year before I get a raise. So, I have to admit, if I could find a better paying job, I would quit Walmart, I don't like my job that much. But sonce there isn't any work out there, I'll stick it out, it is a job.

Mariella is giving me a raise. Starting next week, I'll be making $8.50 with her. If I didn't hate pressing clothes so much, I'd quit Walmart & work more with her.

Work drama......

In the past week or so, 1 cashier arrested & 1 cashier fired for stealing. The cashier that got arrested, she let her girlfirend come through her line with like 2 or 3 baskets of groceries, totalling $600 something, then tried to run a bad check 8 times. They suspended the transaction & pushed the carts over to customer service, where she then called her girlfriend & told her to just come in & take the carts & push them out the door. This all happened on Sunday, just before I got there. When I got there she was being interviewed by the police in the back. I couldn't believe it.

The other cashier got fired for taking money out of the register.

One of our department leads had given a little pep talk just before the store opened saying how he hoped we were all there for a long time & he especially didn't want to see any of us taken out in handcuffs, think he might have jinxed it? Me, I thought, there is no way that any of us would be taken out in handcuffs, LOL. I have been so naive. I have been incredibly naive about customers too. I guess it is time to become more diligent, people have been stealing right under my nose, people I would never suspect, they make me feel stupid *sigh*.

Kid......

He is still being so nice to me. He rubs my feet, he cooks for me, does laundry, the dishes, everything. I have found I can't fantasize about anyone else like I used too. I try & try. But I feel incredibly guilty. But I still can't fantasize about him. So I am feeling pretty tense, LOL.

Well, as boring as it has been, I managed to find some shit to write about. Sorry it is so long.

Is it Saturday yet?

2008-11-06T23:40:00.001-05:00

I am tired.

Kid has drank like every night this week. I don't feel it so much when I am not here. But when I am, I just get so annoyed. I don't think he realizes how much I dislike him when he has a buzz. I don't like the way he talks & acts when he has a buzz. Even if he is being nice, he is unbelievably annoying. I know he thinks the reason he nearly lost me is because of how mean he was being, but it is so so much more than that. *sigh* I don't want this anymore.

He is working tomorrow, with Joe. He isn't sure how long he will be working so he could be making $80 to $100. He said all he needs is $20 for gas & maybe $10 for Cash 3 tickets & he'll give me the rest. Grrrrrrrr, lotto, fuck lotto. But I won't say anything.

The sad thing is, we, well more specifically, Kid, doesn't want Cheyenne to walk home from the bus stop, I know she would be fine. We have noone at all to pick the kids up, so they are staying home from school. He isn't sure if he will be home by 4 & my hours are 12 to 9 tomorrow. I could possibly take my lunch, which is an hour, at 4 to 5 or 4:30 to 5:30 but the timing on Cheyenne's bus isn't specific enough & I can't be certain I could take my lunch at that time. So, we said fuck it, they will stay home.

I made my phone calls this afternoon, I didn't get anywhere *sigh* so I went to bed. I'm going to call FPL tomorrow & see if they will still cut us off on Monday even though we paid $200 on the final notice, though I know I should just pay the other $96 & be done with it.

Well, that is where I am at right now. I'm going to go listen to the hockey game on the radio & get ready for bed.

Mid week stress.

2008-11-06T07:34:00.000-05:00

We got a final notice today for the power bill, pay $296 by the 10th to avoid shut off. I just paid $200, I get paid on Friday from the cleaners, which will be around $136, I think. Plus I have $30. So, I'll deposit the $166 & pay the other $96 on the power & pay my Dell which is $50. Hopefully noone will need anything between now & next Thurs, when I get paid at Walmart.

I better do my direct deposit stuff on Friday at Walmart, I keep forgetting.

I also paid $200 on the phone, now we owe $358.

I have a bunch of numbers to call tomorrow afternoon that Shari gave me. I have one called Farm Share, I guess they help people with food. And a number for Utility help, maybe if I show them my final notice bill & my bank account, they will help pay for it. Then I can buy food. Oh & I am calling the food stamps place.

I think I figured out where I really screwed up, I already had a case number because the kids have Medicaid & then I applied for food stamps & didn't mention the Medicaid, I wonder if I could have applied under the same case number, probably not. Oh well.

I seriously feel like crying right now. It's just too much, too much to think about.

I never realized how wasteful Walmart is. We cleared off the shelves of Halloween stuff today. The animated candy dishes that cost like $10 or $15, bags & bags of candy, a few costume pieces, tons of little Halloween goodies; 2 overflowing carts of Halloween stock, all down the trash compactor, all of it, every last bit. Perfectly good stuff, in the trash. It just blew me away. I still can't believe it.

One great thing to happen this week, OBAMA ELECTED FOR PRESIDENT!!!!! That was amazing. This is the first year I actually followed it, the first year I voted & it was so exciting. Cheyenne was watching with us & she was even like "Wow, this is exciting, like watching sports", LOL. I am so proud that we as a country actually did something right. And now hopefully we will see some change, we have some hope, we need this!!

Kid had a really good buzz tonight & he turned kind of shitty right before he went & passed out. Yea, little glimpses of the old Kid. He has been drinking for a few nights straight now & smoking. He keeps saying how close he was to losing me, I don't think he realizes he is sitting on a fine edged sword right now & it won't take much to fall off. *sigh*

Well, I have to work at the cleaners tomorrow & I won't be able to come home & go to sleep like I do every day, LOL, too many phone calls to make. But I am off at Walmart so it should be an easy day.

As usual, I wasn't done.

2008-11-03T22:30:00.003-05:00

Money, ugghh. I don't know what I am going to do, I just don't know. We got our new power bill & phone bill. The power bill is $504 & the phone is $568. I have $445. My next pay check is on the 13th & it will be $400 something, $450 maybe but the insurance will be due, $220. I do not see any light at the end of this tunnel.

I will be getting paid this Friday from Mariella & it will be around $128, I hope, though $50 of it will got to my Dell bill. I worked from 8 to 12 on Friday & 8 to 1 today, 9 hours, that is a good start, I still have 2 more days with her this week. But I cannot work past 12 tomorrow because I need to vote before I go to Walmart at 3. I have no idea how long it will take so I want to give myself plenty of time.

Plus I still have to figure out how to feed this family.

However, I am not worried, LOL. I am not very stressed about it at this moment. Why? Because there are no answers, none at all. I just live day to day, minute by minute. I leave all my money at home along with my debit card so I am not tempted at all, but it does make it tough when someone needs something, LOL.

Kid got drunk tonight. He is already asleep. I could go on MSN & talk to M. But he has been pretty harsh on Kid. I showed him a picture & he was shocked that he is my husband, he said he honestly thought that was my grandpa. And he cracked a bunch of jokes. Only I am allowed to joke about my husband GODDAMNIT !!!! Thankfully Kid is already asleep, he wasn't getting nasty but he was getting insecure, saying stuff like "Mama doesn't love me" or "Mama hates me", blah blah blah shit, shit that seriously annoys me.

I am on the 7th day of an 11 day work week. My next day off being Saturday, my last day off being last Monday. Most days I wake up & ask Kid what day it is.

I did much better today with food but not great. I did eat less candy though. I fought the urge until after dinner, but I ate 2 little packs of Whoppers which was 6 Whoppers & a bite size Butterfinger crisp thing, not a fun size, a bite size & half a Reeses stick that Briana didn't want. That is so much better than the night before, LOL. But I then had a very small bowl of fat free ice cream, low fat, low calorie ice cream, but still. It is such an addiction, sweet sugary yumminess.

I was drinking coffee again too. I was using Splenda but I was putting this yummy Peppermint Mocha creamer in it. I am not buying anymore of it, I think there is enough for 1 cup of coffee left.

I should feel guilty, Cheyenne is cleaning the living room right now, as I sit here typing this, while drinking a beer. But I don't.

Oh, the Sabres won, by the way , woohoo!! Ryan Miller rocks the NET!!! Alright, I'm done, I'll leave you alone now.

While I wait for dinner to finish cooking.

2008-11-03T19:57:00.001-05:00

So, tomorrow is a big day in the personal history of my life, LOL. I am voting for the first time ever. I did my research this afternoon about the different amendments to Florida's constitution & I have my answers ready so I don't have to wrack my brain trying to figure out what the hell it's asking, LOL. However I have no idea about the local politicians so I'm sure I will be skipping over those boxes, can I do that?

I had a very serious conversation with myself last night, in the bathtub, LOL, after eating so much candy that I felt sick, for the second night in a row. I feel like I have been slowly sabotaging myself over the last few weeks. Part of it is depression & the comfort I get from food. Part of it is the lack of money to buy healthier foods. Part of it is the grab & go because I'm always working. Part of it is working in a place where there is so much variety of food always available. But really, in truth, it's all just excuses. So, I am climbing back on that wagon. I want to feel that happiness again from getting on the scale & seeing a loss, not a gain. I am only 4 pounds up from my lowest weight but at the rate I am going, I'll slowly start gaining again.

The Panthers suck, I love 'em but they suck. I keep saying at least they are better than last year & they truly are but I don't know why they just can't win. So Cheyenne & I have decided that we need a team we can be excited about, a team that we can say "YAY, THEY WON!!!!" So, we have been checking out Western teams, LOL. We can't love an Eastern team the way we love the Cats, because that would be like cheating on our beloved Florida Panthers. So, I think we are looking at the Calgary Flames.

Maybe you are wondering how we are coming to the decision of who to like . We are checking out the guys, man!!! The team with the hottest players will get our fan-ship .

We actually like alot of teams, both Eastern & Western teams, we only really dislike a few. We hate the Montreal Canadiens, Carolina Hurricanes (probably because they are always better than our Cats & they are in our division), & the New York Rangers. Cheyenne hates more teams than I do, Detroit Red Wings being one of the biggest, LOL.

Well, dinner is done, the Buffalo Sabres are playing the New Jersey Devils, GO SABRES, so I'm going to go eat & watch the game with Cheyenne.

A little randomness is always good.

2008-10-30T07:35:00.002-04:00

I am slightly disappointed in Kid. Not really to the point that it will affect life or anything, LOL. It's just I was so proud that he didn't drink any beer today at all. None before the game, none at the game, at $7 a beer, it wasn't happening no matter what. Anyway, he came home & made a cup of coffee & put cognac in it. There went my pride in him. And I think he knows it, he is already in bed with his eyes closed.

Believe me, I know that he is an alcoholic & him drinking only a few beers here & there is a big deal to an alcoholic. But still.........

Work randomness.....

I am convinced that my IPH (items per hour) is so low because of all the time I spend standing there waiting for old people to dig out their money or figure out how to use the credit card machine.

It really freaks me out for some reason when these total strangers call me Anjie. I realize that is why we wear a name badge, LOL, but it just always makes me look around, like are they talking to me. For example, 2 customers, at the service desk, came over to have a key made. They were telling me how wonderful & beautiful our store is, LOL. Luane came over & they said to her "We were just telling Anjie how much we love your store." It just sounds so personal, LOL. Maybe I should ask them to change my name on my badge to Mrs. Turcotte . No, no, no, that sounds too old lady-ish.

At self checkout, when the machine says "Please check your basket for additional items", I think it's freaking funny that the majority of people check their basket!!

Nothing happened with that check, no big deal at all. Me the worry wart.

I am completely addicted to Fruit Loops.

Last night, in my email, I discovered I over-drafted my bank account *sigh* .

The Panthers lost tonight *sigh* .

I am so depressed that I cannot provide the things in life that my children would most enjoy. I cannot even provide the basics most of the time. I find that to be the most depressing thing of all.

Well, hell, it is midnight. I still want to upload my game pics for you all to see. So, I guess I better end this. Nite. Tomorrow is going to be a long one.

Queen of mistakes.

2008-10-28T23:06:00.000-04:00

I believe I belong on self checkout. As much as I hate it, I don't make mistakes while I'm there.

I made a check cashing mistake today, on an IRS check, I put in $10.07 when the check was $1007.00. I hope it's fixable. I don't think they are going to be that okay with a $1000 mistake, the $20 mistake was bad enough. *sigh* It is eating me alive. I just need someone to say "it will be okay Anjie, I promise". *sigh*

Tomorrow is going to be a very long day. I work at the cleaners from 8 to 11 or maybe 12. Come home, get changed & eat lunch & go to Walmart from 1:30 to 10:30. So, needless to say, I'm heading to bed soon.

I have nothing to say, how sad is that, LOL.

I guess I'll go to bed.

Is it Monday?

2008-10-27T16:00:00.001-04:00

It sure feels like a Sunday. Except it is so quiet. The kids are all at school. Kid left to give this guy a ride, the guy said he would pay for gas & throw Kid a $100. I actually had to talk Kid into doing it, I guess the guy is FUCKED up, LOL & it is a 2 hour drive there & back. It didn't take much talking, I think after he thought about it, he knew he should do it. So I took a nice long hot bath & did some feminine maintenance, so to speak, LOL.

Things are going good here. I am taking every day as it comes. I can't say that my mind has been changed, but Kid is being very good to me, in so many ways. And I admit, I am enjoying it, very much. He is making my life a little easier. And he is also making me want to be better here at home.

Work is work. Nothing exciting there. I decided that I need at least 1 mental health day a week. One day where I have nothing I need to do, where I can just veg. Yes, working 7 days a week is totally doable, but I don't want to do it.

This is crazy, here it is Monday afternoon & I haven't seen Briana since Friday night I think, well, besides briefly on Saturday morning when she came in to talk to me. She left Saturday morning to go to her friends for a sleep over & didn't get home until Sunday afternoon, after I had left for work. So I'll be picking them up from school.

I think we are going to go to Walmart. I think I want to make homemade chicken soup for dinner, LOL. I haven't felt very good the last few days so I am thinking soup would be good, plus there will be lots of leftovers.

The weather is finally changing here, we opened the windows & they will probably stay open now. That will be a big help with the power bill.

Well, I think I'll go make a grilled turkey & cheese sandwich & get ready to pick up the kidlets.

Oh the hockey game (I just made my sandwich, LOL) was awesome!!! The Cats won, 4 to 3, my man, Zednik, scored his very first goal of the season, actually his first goal since the accident & I was there & I saw it!!!! We had a great time. I just didn't take very many pictures but I'm going to upload the ones I did take.

Okay, I am done, gotta finish my sandwich & get outta here.

Yesterday.....

2008-10-24T15:50:00.002-04:00

was a bad day. I think most of it had to do with it being the first day of "that" time of the month. I was in a bad place mentally. I also fucked up pretty bad at work. It was a mistake, with a check. I was really busy & in desperate need of some food, so I was fading really fast.

Today, Fran (she is a really short, older lady, 50's or 60's), from cash office came out to talk to me about 3 different things, that fuck up being the biggest. My drawer came up $19 short because of it & there is nothing they can do about it. I asked her if I was going to be responsible for the $19, as if I need that. And she made me feel better, she said "I'm going to take it out of your ass." Everyone makes mistakes & I learned one. Knocked me down a few pegs too, LOL.

I am excited, we are going to a hockey game tonight, we need this, LOL. It's been quite a few months of no fun at all. Thank you Shari, for taking us!!!

I have also decided to take Monday off from the cleaners. It's one of my days off from Walmart, so I told Mariella that I can work Wed, Thurs, & Fri next week. So, Sunday night, I am hoping to get DRUNK!!! Maybe, LOL.

It's been a crazy couple of weeks; emotionally, mentally, physically. I've been on a rollercoaster & I am ready to get off of it now, please?

Well, I better go get stuff together for tonight. Going to go watch the Sharks kick some Cat ass, oh wait, I mean the Cats kick some Sharks ass .

Feeling really freaking......

2008-10-23T22:00:00.002-04:00

blank!

I have no thoughts.

I don't want to be a mom.

I don't want to be a wife.

I don't want to be a friend.

I don't want to be an employee or a coworker.

I just don't want to be.

I don't feel right; not physically, not mentally. I am starting to wonder if my mental state is seriously affecting my physical health.

Kid has been unbelievably nice. He has been doing so much for me. And he has been trying really hard. But I am wondering if he thinks all this can erase 15 years of heartache? I want to be happy again. But how can I make that happen? But then tonight, he is mad at me, because I told him Sharon told me he told her he is leaving. He got pissed & said something about me believing them over him or something. And now he isn't talking to me. *sigh*

I slept pretty much all day yesterday. I woke up planning on going to work. Then decided that maybe I needed a day of rest. And went back to bed & slept until nearly 12. Got up, ate breakfast, left with Kid to run a bunch of errands. Came home & ate lunch & went right back to sleep, until after 6, almost 7, I think. Got up to fix dinner & then went back to bed.

All I want to do when I am home is sleep. I don't want to do anything at all.

I better call it a night. If I keep going with this, it will just get more & more depressing. Better if I quit now while I am ahead.

Change is in the air.

2008-10-20T13:33:00.001-04:00

I am actually feeling quite happy right at this moment.

I can feel "fall" in the air. It is absolutely beautiful outside today!! Kid is going to clean all the screens tomorrow so we can open the windows again. That will not only let fresh air flow through the house, it will lower the power bill by about $100 a month.

I worked this morning but I left at 11. So it does feel kind of like a day off. It is really hard working 7 days a week, alot harder than I thought it would be. And when I say hard, I don't mean physically, I mean mentally. I have nothing to look forward too, no more, 4 more days until the weekend. What the hell is a weekend?

I do have something to look forward to though, a hockey game on Friday night. I am beyond excited. And Shari made it possible, yet again. She managed to get 5 free tickets!!!

So I might not be able to say only 4 more days until the weekend, but I can say only 4 more days until the hockey game!!

Kid is being so nice, unbelievably nice. Yes, the wondering thoughts, 'how long will it last' thoughts, are always in the back of my mind. But he is trying very hard. And that makes life a little more bearable. He did laundry this weekend, as in washed, dried, folded & put away. He does the dishes, he takes care of the kids, gets Zachs clothes out the night before. Makes everything in life a little more easy on me. And I am very appreciative. He hasn't drank anything in 2 days. He tells me he loves me all the time, calls me his sweetheart. He just told me before he left that he has loved me for so long, he doesn't want to lose me.

For the moment, I am trying to put all negative thoughts out of my head, no money worries, no life worries, just set it all aside, for right now. And I feel at peace.

I think I'll go take a nap.

Worst fight ever.

2008-10-10T09:48:00.000-04:00

Thinking over it this morning, I could have handled the situation in a number of different ways. It is just as much my fault as it is his. But it did become physical. And I am hurting today. He grabbed my neck, from behind & pushed my head down. I don't believe I deserved it, but I was physical with him. And at one point I grabbed the keys from him & he grabbed me around the neck, with his arms, choking me, I was scared, I elbowed him in the groin. It was bad, so so bad.

The kids woke up & were so scared . It is so over, it is beyond over.

I gotta go, I have to get ready for work. I'll be back later, after work.

Will I ever learn?? Maybe it just doesn’t matter.

2008-10-10T01:44:00.000-04:00

I was trying hard, very hard to keep the peace. Or maybe I wasn't really trying, maybe I was just pretending.

We are fighting again, all because I made one small comment. Out of annoyance, about the dishes. I know for a long long time I have been a fat lazy piece of shit, I know all this. I didn't clean, I didn't work; I sat & ate. That was what I did. He said he wasn't going to do the dishes any more, I said if I work & I have to do the dishes, get the fuck out. I was just annoyed. He blew it out of proportion.

OMG, I started this at 10pm & it is now 1am. Kid & I have been fighting all this time.

For some reason, I know that he is impossible to talk to, but yet I try & it bites me. I need to just shut my fucking mouth, he just doesn't listen. He takes in what I say & twists it around in his little brain & spews out the garbage that he hears. I fucking hate it!!

I told him everything, fucking everything tonight. I told him I talk to guys online to get something I don't get from him. I told him I have sex with him to shut him up. I told him I haven't called my grandma to ask for money to help pay the bills because I plan on calling her to ask for her help to leave. I laid it all out there. I told him why I am unhappy. I told him everything, from the bottom of my heart. \

And naturally, he is too fucking ignorant to see any of it, to hear any of it. He twisted everything, fucking everything. What the fuck ever.

I have been so afraid for so long, maybe this is what I need, a wake up call. Maybe him leaving will force me to take action. Force me to make a move, any move, wherever that may be.

Well, fuck, it is so late, I need to put my headphones on & go to bed. He is in a rampage, as long as I am up, it will just get worse. I'll have more tomorrow, maybe.

Here we go again.....

2008-10-09T17:22:00.000-04:00

He is back to asking me to call my grandma to ask for money.

Our landlord was here today & asked about money. I was not here, I was at welfare dropping off another paper to apply for food stamps. And I have to go back again, to Work Force. I have a job, I don't understand why I have to go to Work Force. I also had to stop to drop off the cable box. I wish I could cancel it & steal cable from someone else.

I paid $200 on our $496 power bill, I also paid my $50 Dell bill & now we are broke, no money at all.

The sad part is that Zach & Briana have picture day tomorrow & I can't order the pics, Zach's kindergarten pics .

Kid has been up my fucking ass, all lovey & kissy, hands all over me while I sleep, it is extremely annoying.

Fuck it, I'm a bit too bummed for this right now. Going to go stuff something sweet in my mouth & take a nap.

A plan.....

2008-10-07T19:02:00.004-04:00

that is what I need. I know I need it, but it is just so much easier to wallow in self pity.

I cannot even describe how I feel, the closest I can get is dead. I don't even want to come home, I dread it so bad.

Anyway, a plan.

I have no idea where I want to go, first of all. I could go back to IL, Lori has always said her door is open. I'm just not sure I want to go back. The biggest draw to IL is because of the familarity of it. It is a safe place because it is home.

Then there is Port St. Lucie, Tera has offered, thank you, with all my heart. I would love to be able to stay in FL, I love the weather, LOL. And it is so nice up there, much better than here.

There is Minnesota, with Quinn & Jolene, again, thank you!!!! I love you too, with all my heart. Quinn raves about how wonderful the help up there is, and how truly happy she is.

I would love to live in South Carolina, North Carolina, or Tennessee. I still have that fantasy of moving to where Dale Jr. is, LOL, I still think I am the perfect woman for him :P .

Okay, I'm back. I ate chocolate for dinner & crashed, hard, LOL. I slept for like an hour & a half.

Kid cried tonight.

He apologized for last night, he said what he always says, that he is stressed about money, blah, blah, blah. I told him he has been mean to me for far too long. He asked if I really wanted a divorce & I said yes. And he said just like that, you don't love me anymore. I said I will always love you, you are the father of my kids. But I am not happy any more. And now that I am feeling good about myself, the way you treat me is unacceptable.

And then he hugged me & he cried.

Now everything is okay, he thinks. Though I am still cold & distant. And I will continue to be. But yes, I do want to keep the peace. He does know how I feel. And he is really fucking scared. He never comes back here, but tonight he came & sat right here, LOL. I was talking to S, he came on & said Hi. I am like a drug addict, I had deleted him. I always decide that I don't want to have this weird friendships anymore, delete them & then when they IM me, I end up adding them again. It's like a drug or something. Maybe it's my lonliness, LOL. I deleted M too, LOL.

Anyway, tomorrow I am going down to food stamps place & dropping off all this paperwork & showing them my FPL bill & my bank statement, maybe that will get thinsg sped up, maybe, but I doubt it.

The other thing with showing up on someone's door step is I don't want to be a burden. It makes me feel so low to just drop in on someone, especially when I know how much everyone is struggling right now. I want to be self sufficient.

And you know, I've been fibbing. I do want to be loved. I want a man that will love me, just for me, for everything about me. Someone I can discuss a good book with or a good movie. Someone who will hold me when I want to be held & who will give me my space when I need it. Someone I can stand in the kitchen & cook dinner with & do the dishes with. Someone who I can sit on one end of the couch, while he is on the other, rubbing my feet or just letting my feet sit in his lap. Someone who will send me sexy comments & sweet emails. Someone who will tell me I am beautiful, that I am his world.

I know that everyone dreams of this great love. Is it even out there? Does it even exist? I know I have asked this a million & one times, I am still asking.

Well, I guess I better wrap this up. It's late & I am tired.

Miserable

2008-10-07T00:51:00.001-04:00

Just fucking miserable.

Kid isn't talking to me at all. He goes around telling everyone, including the kids that I have a boyfriend. I was supposed to get off work at 4, but I stayed late & didn't get home until 7:30 & he said to the kids that I was with my boyfriend.

I guess I asked for it. No, I know I asked for it. I just don't care anymore. If I had the money, I would walk out the door right now. It doesn't matter how many times I say I do not have a boyfriend, he doesn't believe me, but I do not have a boy friend. I talk to 3 guys. Yes, I know it is wrong, but shit, look what I get from home. I am not "dating" them.

I guess he can't understand that all these changes are for me, not anyone else. He is convinced that the difference in me is because of a boyfriend. Which is total bullshit.

I am so depressed. I am so miserable. I think I'm going to call my grandma & see if she can help me get out of this. I am just crushed because I love my store, I love my job.

I am backing off of the guys I am talking to also. They all want one thing, they are all the same. I thought Matt was going to be different, but I guess not.

OMFG, Kid & I had a horrible, horrible, horrible fight. He accused me of cheating on him so bad. As in he has convinced himself that all last week, I lied about being at work. He saw my hours written down on a piece of paper, my walmart hours, and he aid "You said you worked this many hours, but there are only this many hours on this sheet of paper. You were out fucking your boyfriend the rest of the time." He was throwing stuff, threatening me, calling me names, telling me he hates me, he wants to kill me. Just horrible, nasty mean things. And believe me, none of this is an exaggeration, Shari was on the phone the whole time.

I have to get out. I have to come up with a plan. I am going to start researching online areas & help. I don't know yet where I want to go, but I will find the perfect place & then I am calling my grandma, when I have a plan & telling her everything. I hate him, I hate him with a passion. I will not live this way anymore. I have this job & I can transfer anywhere with it. I won't live this way anymore.

Anyway, as for M. He is hiding something, I don't know what, I don't care, but I am done talking to him. I asked him about his MySpace & he said oh, my friends set it up for me, I don't use it. I know he is lying, I am certain he is not married because I have seen him on cam, seen his apartment, but he probably has a girlfriend. He doesn't want me on his MySpace for some reason, so be it. He is a waste of time.

I deleted S, he is just another one that is out for one thing. I have gotten what I want from them & I am done.

I am having a hard time believing anyone could ever love me for me. I have this feeling of worthlessness. I know what I am doing, but when I get shit on at every turn, I can't help but feel there is a reason why. I am tired, overwhelmed, lonely, miserable, depressed, lost, stuck. All these things that my personality does not like to be.

Well, it is nearly 1am & I have to sleep, have to work both jobs tomorrow & listen to Kids "You fucking your boyfriend."

Believe me, I know how far from perfect I am. I just want to be happy again.

Do you even want to know??

2008-10-01T23:16:00.002-04:00

Do I even want to type it out :P ??

Today was pure insanity!!! I didn't even know what to expect, I did not expect that. But the day flew by. For the most part I had decent customers. I did have one old lady want to talk politics & dispute my decision to vote for Obama, but whatever, LOL. I smiled & stayed friendly, as a good Walmart employee does. Oh wait, a smiling Walmart employee, is there such a thing?? I love my job, I truly do. And that is hard to say after spending the majority of the day on self checkout, with about 75% of customers being elderly people, really sweet elderly people. Elderly people + self-checkout = major stress. But I smiled through it all. And came home with a migraine. I walked in the door & said "I'm going to puke, I need 2 excedrin & a cold rag." As I walked to the bedroom, stripping on the way there, LOL.

I did not eat enough, drink enough water & as soon as the headache started, I didn't take anything, 3 mistakes, I will not repeat them tomorrow.

Anyway....... Tomorrow is going to be a long, very long day. I work at the cleaners in the morning, from 8 to 11, then home for about 40 minutes, and off to Walmart, for a 12 to 9 shift. I will be heading into overtime, if I'm not there already, LOL. A 13 hour day. It just doesn't feel worth it, but it is, I know *sigh* .

Okay, enough about work.

I talked to a new guy this morning, I was annoyed with my old guy, LOL. And this new guy is here, in south Florida, yikes!! He has already asked me out, I said NO, with a quickness. I am down with fun flirting online, even webcam, but no real life stuff, no way, no how. Wanna know where he wanted to take me?? To the Panthers preseason game on Monday night, wanna know where the seats were.... 8 rows from the glass!!! But I said no. That is like a date & I am a married woman, I do not date, I chat & flirt, that is what I do, that is ALL I do. He said I was pretty, much prettier than my Talk City pics, LOL & when I told him I worked at Walmart, he said he never saw any Walmart employee look like me. He said I looked like a professional or a librarian, LOL. So innocent, that is me!!

Well, fuck me, it is midnight, I have to take a shower & go to bed or I will not make it through tomorrow.

Where do I even begin?

2008-09-30T22:05:00.002-04:00

I am wiped out. But happy!! I worked at the cleaners from 8 to 11 this morning. Came home & rushed through a shower & lunch, then ran back out the door to be at Walmart by 12. I was supposed to get off at 5 but I stayed to make some extra hours, I ended up staying until 9!! And I am sure if I hadn't mentioned how many hours over I have, I could've stayed longer. But I was starving. Before Kristen left tonight she asked me if I can work 11 to 8 tomorrow instead of 12 to 5 & of course I said YES, LOL!!

Today felt like such a tedious day. Started the day hanging signs with Maria & Lucy. Then we did something else, though I can't remember what, LOL. After break I did a few CBL's, I think I am all caught up. Then I ended up in HBA again, helping Pat hang a modular & then using the little hand scanner & printer to label all the freaking make-up. Soo tedious. But I am learning alot, LOL.

There is just something good about being able to say I worked a 13 hour day, LOL. Makes me feel proud. I feel energetic. Well, tired & energetic.

But I am nervous about tomorrow, really nervous.

I want someone to come talk to me, LOL. Oh well.

We got a new pharmacist & he is sooo cute. He reminds me of an old friend, Darrick. I miss him, LOL.

I need a new online boyfriend. I got so spoiled with the fun flirting that when he isn't online, I miss it. I'm tired of waiting for him, LOL. I need to find a new one. I feel like he is blowing me off for whatever reason & it is annoying.

Believe me, I know how fucked up that is. A married woman looking for a guy to flirt with. But it is just too fun. However, I am not aggressive at all so stalking a man on like Talk City or something is just not my style.

Well, it is nearly midnight. Tomorrow is going to be one long ass day, I better call it a night *yawn*.

Oh, last thing, I am so excited. Kid fixed our oven. We have been without an oven for well over a year. My mind is just spinning with ideas for dinners, LOL. And I cannot wait to make homemade pizza again, and shepherds pie & banana bread. And the list goes on & on!!

Blogging........

2008-09-30T00:33:00.004-04:00

I am doing the copy & paste for Quinn over here, from my MySpace. See Quinn, I do love you!!!!

I am a little worried about the adult stuff I talk about .

Anyway, you won't believe this, but Kid actually said to me tonight, I was standing back here, he said something like I was so skinny he could barely see me anymore, LOL. Of course he followed it up with a "You'll find a new boyfriend." Whatever.

Speaking of a guy friend that I have.......

I want him to come online . I miss chatting with him.

But, this guy added me as a friend on Talk City, so I emailed him, told him he should email me sometime that I would love to chat with him & he is hot, LOL. I hope he emails me. I need to fill these lonely nights with some fun flirting .

So, the store opens on Wed. And I admit I am nervous. I am afraid they are going to put me on self check out right away & I'll fuck everything up. Kristen told us she picked some people for self checkout that she thought would be good at the multi-tasking. I really think she has more faith in me that I have in me , LOL.

Today I spent the afternoon in cosmetics. It was tedious but fun to look at all the make-up & all the different colors. Damn, some of that shit is expensive!! But I have already picked out a few really pretty colors of lip gloss I want. They have sparkles in it. Oh & some pretty eye shadow colors. I can't wait until I have the extra money to splurge on some of this shit. Including the hair dye. Which Kid thinks I am crazy for wanting to dye my hair . But first I am getting it trimmed.

I better call it a night, it's after 12 & I have both jobs tomorrow. At least the kids are out of school so I only have to worry about me in the am.

Ohhh, I almost forgot, I saw some drama today, at work. The first glimpse of our not quite so happy family. The lead in HBA (which is health & beauty) is an older man. He is really nice, well, one of the CSM's talked down to him today & he said he won't be talking to her anymore & walked away. And she walked off all pissed. Then one of the office ladies came over to help & I heard them talking about her & the way she was talking, LOL. It was pretty funny, actually. See, right now, we are all pretty much equals, well, besides the managers. We are all pretty clueless & looking to each other for help & questions, LOL.

Okay, I'm really done now. Nite!!

Optimistic

2008-09-29T10:43:00.000-04:00

I always try to be optimistic. The easiest way for me to do that, just not think of the problems, just put everything aside. I have convinced myself that everything will work out & I will continue to believe that.

I am so annoyed with welfare. I have been calling every chance I get & I always get this stupid message, due to high volume of calls, all of our agents are assisting other clients, call back another time, click. Well, I called this morning, actually got through, sat on hold for I don't even know how long, just to have them hang up on me. I don't have the time to go down & sit down there & wait to talk to someone. We are nearing the 30 day mark since I applied, hopefully I will hear something soon.

I want to start wearing make-up, just a little bit. A little foundation & blush to cover my blemishes & a little eye make-up to bring out my eyes. I just don't know how to wear it. Is there somewhere I can go, where they can show me the proper colors & techniques. Although, I guess right now, it doesn't even matter, no money to buy any.

Of course I am ecstatic about finally feeling comfortable in my own skin, about finally being happy with the person who is looking back at me. But it seems kind of ironic I guess that when I finally reach this point, I can't treat myself to a new outfit, a new pair of earrings, make-up, whatever. I guess that is just the way things happen in life.

I also want to dye my hair. I have never dyed my hair. Maybe when Lynne comes back she can help me. I was thinking of maybe dying it a reddish brown color. But there again, no money for the dye.

*sigh*

I wonder what Kid would say if I went out one night & came home with my eyebrow pierced.

I guess it seems like I am reinventing myself, but really, these are my true colors peeking through. I am finally in a place inside myself where I can let them shine.

Ok, now for some stupidity.

I took a long...... very long........ hot......... bath last night. And I had this whole fantasy played out in my head, involving a certain person I have come to enjoy. And then I sat here, until midnight, waiting & hoping he would come online, so I could tell him about it. Of course he didn't show. And I felt so stupid. I still feel stupid, because I keep checking yahoo to see if he has signed on. I keep coming back & forth, getting ready for work.

Mariella didn't have work for me today *sigh*. I'll work tomorrow but not Wed. Frank wants us to try to be at the Grand Opening on Wed. morning. We'll get paid for it, but it won't be as many hours as I would get with Mariella. So I will get $48 from her on Friday, if I work Tues & Thurs.

Plus my Walmart payheck on Thurs. Though I have absolutely no idea how much it will be. I seriously need to figure out when the pay period starts & ends. I'll ask one of the transfers today.

Well, I guess I better wrap this mess of randomness up & go find something to eat before work.

I HATE HIM

2008-06-04T19:06:00.001-04:00

I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM

Tattoo

2008-05-09T07:50:00.013-04:00

I am so pissed at Mozilla, LOL. I had this all typed out last night & Mozilla froze & I lost the whole damn thing, grrrrrr.

Anyway, I love tattoos, I have none, but I love them. I love looking at them, and finding out what meaning they have. I never got a tattoo because I believe, for myself, that it has to have a special meaning, not just some random design I like. I have always wanted one but nothing ever meant enough to me to get one, besides my kids, obviously, but I couldn't come up with something that fit them, you know.

I think I have finally decided what tattoo I want. I spent last night searching through images on a website that a friend posted, this website to be exact.

And then I found another cool website that had meanings behind different tattoos, this really cool site.

I posted on GBM & one friend mentioned the phoenix. I love the idea of the phoenix, it signifies rebirth. However, when I think phoenix, I think Harry Potter. Plus, it is a very common tattoo. I wanted something unique, something I came up with for myself.

My first though was to have the metamorphosis of the butterfly from a fat caterpillar to a colorful cocoon & then to a butterfly. But butterflies are probably the most common tattoo for women. And though I truly like butterflies, I wanted something a little different.

Then I thought about a snake shedding it's skin. But I want my fave colors in it & having a purple, blue & green snake would be a bit odd.

So, I finally came up with something. The lotus flower signifies rebirth. While I am not crazy about flowers, the lotus is actually a really cool flower. In Buddhism, some actually believe Buddha was reborn through a lotus flower.

"The lotus flower is symbolic of rebirth, but in addition to its religious meaning, the lotus is also a symbol of all that is true, good and beautiful, representing good fortune, peace and enlightenment."

But I want to be looking at it more like straight on, like this.

Then I am going to have a dragonfly coming out of the lotus. The dragonfly also goes through a metamorphosis like a butterfly, but it takes like 3 years. Which is perfect for my weight loss. I am not losing it over night, over a month, but over a long period of time. Hence my metamorphosis. Dragonflies are popular, but I like them more than butterflies.

"The dragonfly spirit is the essence of the winds of change, the messages of wisdom and enlightenment; and the communication from the elemental world. Its medicine beckons you to seek out the parts of your habits which need changing. You can turn to the dragonfly to guide you through the mists of illusion to the pathway of transformation."

Like this maybe. But the wings would be a bit different.

Wow, this guy did some awesome dragonflies.

Click on inkers & Rich is the guy who did these.

I wanted to incorporate my kids in this whole thing somehow. Shari mentioned maybe 3 buds of the lotus, but I really just want one big beautiful purple lotus. Then she mentioned fish, but I want the only creature to be the dragonfly. So, I think I came up with the perfect idea. I want my dragonfly to be the color of my gemstone, the amethyst, which is a pale purple.

Then on each wing, I want to have first a diamond in honor of my mom.

Then the blue sapphire on the opposite wing for Cheyenne. Another blue sapphire right below the diamond, on the lower wing, for Briana.

Then below Cheyenne's on the bottom wing, an emerald which is deep green for Zach.

I want the lotus to be in water, because my sign is Aquarius, the water-bearer. But also because water is the feminine element & it means life. The water would not only represent my femininity, but also the change in my life.

"Water as an Element is thought to represent the Feminine, and is see as a powerful force for change. Water is associated with the principle of "moisture" and the circulatory movement of blood and sap as life within vegetation and animals. It is also associated with the water of the womb where individual life comes from and from the water of the oceans where human life evolved from. Water has the power to abolish, dissolve, purify, wash away and regenerate. In opposition to this is the principle of "dryness" and the static condition of life."

So, I want the lotus to be in the water, but I want the water to be coming up around it, as if the dragonfly is coming out of it, forcing it down into the water, kwim?

Right behind the dragonfly, I want a moon.

"The Moon is said to represent the feeling nature of the individual. It is used to characterize the inner child within us, as well as the past and how we have been as individuals rather than how we are now.

Though some call the Moon a planet in its own right, scientifically speaking, the Moon is a satellite of Earth, orbiting in 28 days. The moon’s gravitational pull is the cause of tides in the oceans, but its presence in the heavens has been the cause of the many changing tides in the human heart and mind."

The moon would also represent me as a night person.

I want it on my lower leg, just above my ankle, so I can see it, LOL. Not too big, I don't want it to take up my whole leg, but I want it big enough that everything is very visible. And I figured having it put there will be easy to cover with pants, if I needed too.

Now I just need to find an artist who can draw it up for me, LOL.

Maybe I should just apply for Miami Ink, LOL. Although it's going to be a year or so before I get this done, when I reach the 100 pound loss & I have the money. The show will probably be off air by then :P .

Ok, I am done, as you can tell, I put a lot of thought into this & I am so excited. Let me know what you think, please??

I'm scared....

2008-04-07T23:31:00.001-04:00

I don't want to go to Nova's dental school on Friday. I am scared of what they are going to say. I feel like my teeth are hideous & I am scared they are going to be shocked by them. Or that it is going to be outrageously expensive & that will depress me. I don't know, I am just scared.

My teeth are seriously putting a damper on my life. I am on the Panthers message board. These people on there are awesome!!! They are all nice & fun, a bunch of them have kids. They are Panthers FANATICS, just like us. They have huge tailgate parties, watch parties for away games. They are even planning a big picnic in May. They are all getting together to play ice hockey this weekend. And they always have enough tickets that they help people get in the games for free. These are all things that my kids would love. And these are people that I would love to hang out with. But I am so utterly embarrassed by my teeth that I won't even try to become involved. And that depresses me.

Anyway........

I walked today. I walked 3 miles, well, a little over if you count the walk up there & back. I did the fit stations & I did the intermediate level, so instead of 5 sit ups, I did 10, etc. And I tried to push myself on the last mile to walk faster, I walked it in 19 minutes. I need to change some of my music. I need some fast upbeat music for my walks. What I thought I could do is change the genre on the songs I want for walking, to say walking, LOL. On my MP3 player I can listen to music by genre so that I think will be the easiest way. Also, then I won't have to bust up all my playlists.

I want to push myself further. But today I ran out of time. I waited too long to get out of the house.

I am feeling a little relieved. We gave the landlord a check for $2250. That should keep us on good terms for awhile. And maybe I can call him now & tell him the oven is broke. But first I need to completely finish cleaning the kitchen. Maybe I will work on that for a bit tonight.

Well, I need a shower yet. I need to work on a grocery list. And I want to work on the kitchen so I guess I'll call it a night.

Nite all.

Can't take it anymore....

2008-04-05T02:34:00.002-04:00

The girls closet is infested with palmetto bugs/water bugs/whatever you want to call them (but I AM NOT calling them cockroaches). I think it is because the a/c is in there so there is gaps or something, an easy way for them to get in. But it is stressing me out so bad!!!! I am very very close to bombing this apartment even though I am so against all the chemicals. But I just can't take it!!

We have been in a cleaning frenzy the last 2 days & I am not done. I want to get it all clean. I sorted through 6 bins of toys, plus some other various containers of toys. I got together 2 big black garbage bags of toys to go out plus 2 bags of garbage. I put all his books on the shelf, sorted all the cars, toy tools, little animals, blocks, legos, lincoln logs, etc etc etc, into the right spots. I am trying to get it to a point where it is easy to keep cleaned up. I have also been working on dishes off & on. I even got my dining room table completely cleaned off & I even folded a load of laundry the other night on my nice clean table!!!

Cheyenne cleaned too, without me even asking her. And the other 2 ran outside to play, without helping. I was so mad. Today I treated Cheyenne to lunch & then we went to the movies. We saw Horton Hears A Who. It was pretty cute. I am not into kids movies at all so this was a last minute decision. I wouldn't say it was worth the cost of admission :P however the time with Cheyenne was worth it. We had a good time. However, I sat through the whole movie thinking about how much Briana & Zach would have enjoyed it. So, that took a little of the fun out of it. And Briana was pissed when she found out. But I just told her how mad I was at her for not helping clean.

I really need to try to spend time alone with each one of my kids once a week. Preferably more but I'll take what I can get. I really think they benefit from that. Even Zach who usually shrugs me off for daddy or hockey or whatever else may catch his attention. After his last appointment he asked me if we could go to the library after & I said we will see. But I really just wanted to go home. So I told him we would go to the library another time & he said "Just you & me, alone?". I said we'll see. I think he was remembering the time we went to the library & Walgreens after & we were alone together for awhile. He actually gets some alone time with me during the week because he gets out of school before the other 2. Cheyenne gets some alone time with me because she stays inside alot. Poor Briana only gets a few moments alone with me when I walk to get her after school. I just don't think that is enough I guess. Ahh well, something else I need to work on I suppose.

I better call it a night. It's getting near 5 & I really want to get some more cleaning done tomorrow. Shari & Emily are supposed to come over. I read on the Panthers message board that supposedly we have free Center Ice this weekend. I guess because of a free preview for MLB, whatever they call it for the baseball channels. We were supposed to go to Shari's to watch the game on her Center Ice but if we have it, we will be staying home. We listened to the game on the radio tonight. Thankfully the announcers on the radio are hilarious so they make listening on the radio fun. Our goalie made a great save & Randy Moller yelled out "Call the cops!! He was robbed of that goal!!"!!! Or about one of the many penalties called on us, he yelled "That's horse feathers!!" . And they both said "They are diving all over the ice!" about the Carolina Hurricanes, which we call them DiverCanes. Okay, enough hockey talk, I know no one cares about that. Just think after tomorrow night, the Panthers will be golfing so it will be time to change my layout & start watching movies again, woohoo!!

Night all!!

OMG, I can’t believe I nearly forgot.

2008-04-03T00:40:00.001-04:00

Today was my Mom's birthday. She would have been 53. That seems so young. It has been almost 5 years since she died. I do think that the thought of this lingering in the back of my mind has affected my mood today a bit too.

But the real reason i am posting again is about Jesse. His birthday was on Monday, March 31st. Kid asked me if I was going to call him to wish him a happy birthday & I said no, I was scared. I don't know what he was thinking about that. But I was scared because the last time Jesse & I talked, we had a great conversation. We talked for over an hour & it was not forced at all. It was easy & we laughed. And I was scared of how he would sound when I called. I was scared that it wouldn't be the same way. I like to hold that conversation close to me because it felt good, it put my heart & mind at ease. I worry about him all the time.

So, I get a call today. I was eating lunch. And this lady leaves a message on my machine, she said Jesse checked out of treatment today & since I was the contact person he listed she was calling to let me know.

I called her right back. It was a drug & alcohol treatment place. He checked in on his birthday & checked out today. He was there barely 2 days. He told her that he thought he could continue with recovery on his own. I feel so guilty. I feel like maybe if I had called him or sent him a birthday card, anything at all, maybe things would have been different for him. God, why does he have to be so sick? And so alone? Why am I so scared? Why can I not just let things go & love him without being scared? Just call him without worrying about the repercussions?

He is all I have left in the world. And I will lose him too.

So..... I don't even know what to say.

2008-04-02T23:52:00.002-04:00

Depressed.

Annoyed.

Impatient.

Disgusted.

I literally laid in bed all day. I was on the computer for a few minutes this morning while I ate my bowl of cereal. Then I laid in bed watching TV. I forced myself to get up & go take a walk. I had bad bad cramps, I was tired, depressed. Sore, yes, I got a sunburn from my long walk during the hottest part of the day yesterday. And I just didn't want to do it. I walked up there. I walked the 1 mile track once. Then I walked it again doing the fit stations this time. Then I started to walk it a third time for my 3 miles. Made it to the 1/4 mile marker. My shoulders were killing me (from the sunburn), I was hot, I was hungry, I was crabby, so I said fuck it & walked home. I was a little disappointed that I didn't make it the third mile. But then I thought, I got out of bed & went, that is an accomplishment. So screw it.

I came home & spent part of the afternoon in bed. After my shower & lunch. I had to make myself go to the store because we had nothing for dinner, with a stop at Blockbuster first. Then I came home & laid back in bed for awhile. Until Cheyenne woke me up from a little nap, asking me to fix dinner. How lame is that? Then spent the rest of the evening in bed. Uggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Kid was gone all evening helping his friend. But when he came home, all he had to do was open his mouth to set me off. I have been short & nasty with him for the last hour. And I am sure I am not done yet. I think it is better for him to pass out fast tonight!!

I am so disgusted with this apartment. I look around & I don't even know where to begin. I want to just open up a big black garbage bag & sweep everything into it & be done. We have so much stuff, so much clutter. It is just so unbelievably overwhelming. I actually watched a bunch of episodes of Clean House tonight. I guess I feel a certain kinship with these people with all this shit. And I guess it makes me feel like, well, a little less embarrassed knowing I am not alone. And I do think it inspires me to just let go. Just let the shit go & get it OUT!!! But the next step is, where to begin?

I am also feeling really really bummed that summer is coming on fast. No more camping & I miss it so much. Camping grounds me. It gives me a certain peace. And I am missing it more than I thought I could or would.

Another thing that has me down is that I want to move so bad. I feel like we are growing out of this apartment. I am tired of not having the space for stuff. I am tired of Zach sleeping on the girls floor, on his old crib mattress.

God, he won't shut up. Like I care about all his friends & what they are doing or talking about!!!! Just GO AWAY PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

Anyway......

I sit on the floor every night to read to Zach & wait for him to fall asleep. If he had his own room & his own big boy bed then I could lay down with him & read to him. He was supposed to sleep back here but he is scared back here, with all the windows. If he had a normal room I think he would be fine.

I would even be fine with moving to Canada at this point if it meant having a bigger place, with 3 bedrooms. I wouldn't even care if it was still an apartment, just a little bigger.

Well, Kid is out of the shower. I need to start a load of dishes & I wanted to watch a movie. So, I'm going to call it a night.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I am either going to get up & walk in the morning, or I am going to walk after dinner. Walking in the middle of the heat of the day is killing me, it sucks the air out of me. So that is the plan for tomorrow.

Nite all!!!

Job update.

2008-04-01T15:08:00.002-04:00

So, I left here a little after 12 for my walk. I stopped in at the laundromat up around the corner from my house & asked the woman there if they were looking for help. She said not that she knew of & I heard her say as I was leaving "unless they are looking to replace me". I called Kid & he told me I was at the wrong one, doh! He told me the one down on 4th street. So I move on down the road.

I have to say, before walking down there would have seemed so far & I wouldn't have ever done it. I was only a few blocks from Blockbuster & I thought to myself, next time I go to Blockbuster, I am walking. Then I almost walked to the library too, which wasn't far from where I was either. I was not tired or winded. And all that in itself was an accomplishment. I did not go to the library because I did not have my wallet with my card. Plus I still wanted to go to the park to walk & didn't want to be stuck carrying a book.

I had actually been psyching myself up for a job. And I had even convinced myself that getting an evening job wouldn't be too bad. I could work 5 to 10. Still be able to fix dinner for everyone. But I just thought of something, I would never see Cheyenne. She doesn't get home until 4:30 :( . I can't do that. Never mind, scratch that *sigh* .

So, I went in to the 4th Street laundromat. It is dirty, it is an all night laundromat. Half the machines were broken. And there were homeless people all over. Believe me, I do not have a problem with homeless people, I could be one someday. But I am always being asked for money, ALWAYS. I don't have it to spare right now. Anyway, I couldn't find the girl anywhere. I asked 3 different people. I stood there for a few minutes. Then the phone started to ring & she came out of the bathroom. She was not friendly at all. I asked her if they were looking for help & she also told me "Not that I know of". I have not given up, I am going to ask my neighbor what lady & if she could get me her phone number or the best time to go in. But I refuse to work nights at that laundromat.

So, on my merry way I went. I jumped on the trail a bit before the 3/4 mile mark. So I walked it 3 complete circles, from the start to finish marker. Plus that little bit extra. So, I believe I walked 4 miles today. Plus I did the fit stations through my second mile. I am feeling quite good. My feet hurt but not quite as bad. I want to get one of those gel inserts, I think that will help alot.

I think you are right Shari, I put way too much thought into & read too much online, confused myself & then got desperate & got something that I thought would be fine. Sneaker shopping sucks.

The kids feel better today. They did play outside for a little while. But I put TONS of sunblock on them, they were white. I know they weren't outside for long at all though, so I think all will be well. Cheyenne didn't play outside at all today. Poor girl is hurting!!

I have a confession that I am not quite ready to disclose yet. So, I am off to get this dumpy ass apartment clean & then I may be ready to confess, or maybe not.

Bye all!!

Bad mom, that is I.

2008-04-01T00:31:00.000-04:00

Okay, maybe not a bad mom.

The kids, all 4 of them, including Emily, Shari’s daughter, played outside all day long. From like 9:30am until 5 or so. And Cheyenne & Emily are now sporting very very bad sunburns. They all wore bathing suits all day & played in the water. So, they are badly burned pretty much all over. You would think after 14 years in Florida, I would know better. But I guess I was thinking that it is still only March, it isn’t quite that hot yet. *sigh* So, Cheyenne is sleeping on the couch tonight, feeling quite miserable. Briana & Zach have some red patches that will most likely be tan tomorrow. I think they need to stay inside tomorrow, they naturally disagree, but have promised that they will NOT go outside without sunblock. We will see how it goes tomorrow I guess.

I went to Rack Room shoes today & bought myself a pair of Nike’s & a pair of sandals. The 10’s seemed too small so I got the 11 but I am so afraid it is too big. I walked my 3 miles. I was sore & didn’t feel like I could walk as fast for some reason. I am really hoping it is just because I am still breaking these sneakers in. But I made myself do it. However, I am slightly discouraged. I am looking through this book that Shari checked out from the library, Walking For Dummies. According to this book, the walking I am doing is lifestyle walking. And it is really just going to help me maintain a healthy lifestyle, not really help me lose weight. That is very disappointing. So, I guess in order to really start losing the weight, I need to incorporate a work out video a few days in my week. But still continue with the walking. There just aren’t enough hours in the day. *sigh*

The plan for tomorrow, you won’t believe this, is to go to the laundromat up around the corner from my house. Colleen, our neighbor, told Kid the girl that works there asked her if she knew anyone looking for a job. So she asked Kid if I might be interested. So, I am going there tomorrow to ask about the hours. I have to admit, I am very nervous about going to talk to her. It's not really a job interview so much but it feels like it. So, it looks like I might be getting a job, if the hours work out for me. Right now, while Kid is at home, I can work pretty much any hours through the day. But when he goes back to work, I’ll only be able to work from 8 to 12. I have mixed emotions about this, obviously. But for the most part I am kind of hoping I get it. It certainly would be nice to have my own money again. Not that it would be mine until Kid goes back to work. Everything would go back into the house for now. But I guess there is no point really thinking about it right now, I have to go there first & who knows she may be looking for someone at night, which I absolutely refuse to do. So we shall see.

Okay, I was watching We Are Marshall, I better get back to it now so I can get it done & get to bed at a decent time. I want to stop in at the laundromat on my walk tomorrow morning.

Nite all!!

Oh, and just so you know, I will be posting on both blogs but I will be posting the same thing. So if you read it here, don't bother checking over there.

So depressed....

2008-03-12T16:19:00.003-04:00

Kid is still on my ass about calling Terry. I just can't do it.

So, I went to the bank today with those savings bonds. I had 8 of them, $50 each. First off they gave me a helluva a hard time with it because it said Angie Turcotte, not Anjare Turcotte. Of course I said so you'll cash a check that is written out to Anjie but not a savings bond, which were in my kids names & I had their birth certificates with me. In my opinion, they were just being assholes. They said if they could find a check written to Anjie, then they would cash the bonds. So, I stand there for like 20 minutes while they are looking at old checks on their computer. Good thing I decided to lean over & check what they were looking at, they were in my wrong damn bank account. Of course there have only been 2 deposits to my account & sure enough, one of the checks said Anjie, how long do you think that took ~need the eye-rolling smiley~? Anyway, after all the stress & all these people looking at me like I was some kind of bad mom, cashing in my kids bonds, turns out they lost value. That figures. Expecting $400, I walk away with $263. It'll pay the insurance bill.

I called Kid back, he called while I was at the bank, and told him about the decrease in value. And he says again, you need to call Terry. He said we'll pay him back. I lost it & yelled at him "How? We are 5 fucking months behind on rent, how are we going to pay anyone back? I gotta go, bye." CLICK!! And then I just started crying. Both Briana & Zach were with me :( . But I was quietly crying all the way to Walmart to buy water.

Life sucks, period!!

When I got home there wa sa paper in the mailbox for Kid. It is in french, it appears to be a life insurance policy. He said his dad got it for him when he was a kid. Now, I may be wrong, but I thought you can cash in life insurance or at least collect some money off of it. I know Terry did something like that once. I told the ass to call the guy on the paper. He won't fucking do it. I can't read the motherfucking paper, it is in french!!!! He is on my ass about calling a guy who doesn't even talk to me, who isn't even a relative to borrow money that we can't fucking pay back but he WON"T MAKE A CALL HIMSELF!!!!! God I am so pissed!!!

I'm going to put on some hard rock & go for a walk, walk off these goddamn frustrations. I skipped lunch & ate a bunch of crap so I could use the exercise.

One more thing, I was so depressed that I couldn't make Easter baskets for my kids. Shari told me last night not to worry about it, she was going to do baskets for them. That makes me feel so motherfucking lame. I actually have $82 in my bank account, I was sitting on it for a rainy day. Well, if these days aren't 'rainy' I don't know what day ever will be, so I'm just going to use it to make them small baskets. That is so much more important to me than saving it for whatever....... whenever.

Ok, off for a walk now, I am about to start crying again.

Lice free, 30 pounds lighter & dead ass broke

2008-03-12T01:15:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I haven't been back to update. I've been working on some things for some of my girls from GBM.

For Veloute
For Quinn
For Darcey
For Kelly
For Em
For Markera
For Amy

Oh, I hope they don't mind me posting them. I have one for me too but I'm going to redo it I think. And I had done one for my IRL friend Shari, but I'm redoing it so I'll post it when it is done.

Anyway, those are very time consuming & I am not done yet, I have 4 more to do, but I am taking a break tonight. I have been staying up until 4 or so every night. Not tonight, I am blogging & going to bed.

Anyway, I think I have this lice thing beat. For nearly 2 weeks we had a routine. Every night they would wash their hair with Tea Tree Oil shampoo & conditioner. I made them use a different towel every night after their shower. Then I would spend about 20 or 30 minutes combing through their hair, picking out any nits or bugs I saw. I didn't let them wear their pjs or jackets more than once. And I dried their bedding every single night before bed. Also I dumped boiling water on their brushes & combs every night. I am still having them wash their hair with the shampoo & I am still combing their hair & picking through it. So far I have only found a nit or 2 on each of them. No bugs. I am really really hoping we beat those nasty little fuckers. We did rewash & recomb on Friday night too. Everything is still in bags & I think I'm going to leave them for another week or so. Besides my house is a mess, I should really clean it before I open all that shit up. So, I am really hoping I won't be back here in another week posting about more lice, uggghhhh.

In other news, great news, I have reached a milestone, I HAVE LOST 30 POUNDS!!!!!!! I am so freaking excited about that. I am really starting to feel it now. And I finally got my ass up & out the door to walk to get Briana today. I wore my MP3 player, listening to AC/DC, G'N'R & Bon Jovi (which I need to delete some of those songs, I found myself skipping them, LOL), I was amazed at how much that helped. I wore the weights Shari bought me for my birthday & I walked hard & fast. I felt the burn in my legs & I broke a sweat. I never realized how much music helped. I am really looking forward to tomorrow. I left a little early today, I plan on leaving even earlier tomorrow.

At the park right by her school they have a Health Fit trail (or something like that). The trail winds through the park & it has various Fit Stations with activities. Like bend & touch your toes. Or it will have bars for chin ups, and a post to squat against. Stuff like that. I didn't do any of it because I felt like a dork. But if I had been with someone, even the kids, I would have done those things, LOL. As a matter of fact, on the way back Briana & I walked a section of the trail & we did the step up thing. They have 3 posts of different heights. The first 2 weren't too high but the third one was really high, I couldn't get up on it, LOL. Maybe one day :P .

I am really going to try to keep up the walking. I really have no excuse. We have 2 parks within walking distance that have a nice trail with fit stations. One of the parks is on the intracoastal. It is a very nice park. Also, we live so close to the beach that I could walk down there, or drive down there within 5 minutes. Who wouldn't love to be able to walk on the beach of the Atlantic ocean pretty much whenever they want? And here I take advantage of it being so close. Even my friend Shari, who lives here is too far to just drive over & take a walk. When I can go there within 5 minutes. The only reason I wouldn't like to walk is because it is alot of work walking on the beach & it would take me a good 15 or 20 minutes to walk there. But I could walk down there, take a break & sit on the bench & watch the waves, walk down by the water & walk home. That I could do.

I have so much variety as for where I can walk & I don't take advantage of it. So, from now on, I am doing it. I know I can. A few years ago I started a routine of walking every night. I did it because we were going to Canada & I wanted to try to lose a few pounds before we went. I didn't weigh myself then. And I really wasn't eating healthy. I cut back on sweets but I still drank Coke. I did cut back. I also drank alot of water. But I wasn't losing weight then like I am now. I kept telling myself that I could still eat what I want as long as I exercised, HA, that was so not true :P .

I think about how much I could have been losing all this time if I had been doing some exercise & I kick myself, LOL. But that's okay. I am starting now. And I am on the right track. I failed yesterday with food but I made up for it today. I caved & bought chocolate. I bought 2 bags of Hershsy Kisses because they were buy one get one free. But, in the past I would have eaten & eaten the kisses. I busted those bags open as soon as I got in the car, LOL. I ate one Cherry Cordial & one Dark Chocolate (and dark chocolate is good for you :P ). Then after dinner I ate 2 more. I thought for someone who used to gorge on junk, that was pretty good. However, I also ate a Skinny Cow mint ice cream sandwich & earlier in the day I had a cup of coffee (with fat free creamer & splenda, but still) & a 100 calorie pack of cookies. That is alot of sweets for me in a day. I know better & I always do better but I was in a BAD mood yesterday & Kid didn't help matters, big surprise. So, I did better today. No chocolate, no 100 calorie packs of cookies, just 1 Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich.

So, now for the not so good news. And part of the reason I have been up & down emotionally. Kid is still not working, for obvious reasons, he still has a cast. Can't do anything about that. But we have no money, I don't even know how much is left in the bank & I don't want to check. I am actually going to the bank tomorrow to cash in some Savings Bonds that someone gave my girls quite a few years ago, like 5 years ago, I think. I have $400 total. It will be enough to pay the car insurance & get some groceries, the car insurance is something we cannot back up. Everything else is backed up. Kid has been home & he has been on my ass every motherfucking day about every thing. Today he wasn't so bad probably because I gave him some this afternoon. But he is unbelievably stressed out. He is telling me to call Terry for a loan. Like we could even pay it back. We are like 4 or 5 months behind on rent, luckily we have a great landlord but still. How are we going to pay all that back? He is still counting on some kind of lawsuit, which I am not. He says shit like we'll just move, get the fuck out of Florida. How are we going to do that? We can't even pay our bills, how can we afford the gas to drive ourselves out of here? Besides that, I am all for moving, but I am not leaving my stuff behind.

Ugggghhhhhhhhh. I really didn't want to drag all this up before I go to bed. Sigh..........

Whatever, I am done. I know this is so long, I just had a bit to catch up on. So, that is where I am.

Lice free, 30 pounds lighter & dead ass broke. Hey, that makes a better title for this blog, I'm going to use it :P .

Head lice......

2008-03-03T23:09:00.004-05:00

I believe head lice are direct descendants from the devil. It has been a week since I discovered these absolutely useless critters residing on the heads of my children & myself. I do not understand the purpose of these things. They are not here to remind us to keep ourselves a little cleaner, as they much prefer a clean head. I guess that does say something about the cleanliness of my children, but still.....

Tomorrow (Tues.) marks the one week period since I waged full on war with these absolute pain in the ass bugs. And alas, I am still finding them in my girls hair.

Will it ever stop?? Will they ever be gone completely? Will life ever go back to normal, as we know it?

My kids were home for 4 days last week. We found them on Monday night when I shaved Zach's head. Then I ran out to the store, spent a small fortune on RID & lice combs. Then I slept on the couch so Kid wouldn't get them. Amazing how he didn't get them from us, but I will not question the how, just be thankful for the one lice-less head. Anyway, Tues. morning the war began. With Zach first, washing with Rid & some combing. Then Cheyenne, washing with Rid & a 3 hour session with the comb & the beloved 'nit-picking'. Then on to Briana, a 4 hour session with her. I did run out to the store to buy the house spray & the comb out gel for Briana. Then on to myself. The girls 'nit-picked' my head. Thankfully I did not have it as bad. I am guessing I got it because we share a brush, I should say we shared a brush & I laid on Cheyenne's bed every night after I read to Zach.

Then on Wed. we spent the day cleaning & bagging stuff up. I spent another small fortune in washing all bedding at the laundromat.

Thurs the kids washed their hair with shampoo that I added a ton of tea tree oil too. And another combing session. With me still finding nits & bugs. Friday the same but with less bugs. Sat. & Sun. the same combing. With me finding less & less bugs in Briana, but finding 7 live bugs on Cheyenne was rather depressing. Especially since the school specifically said she needed to be checked in the nurses office when she got to school. So, I kept her home today.

Another nights of combing brought only 1 or 2 bugs off Briana. And about 2 bugs off Cheyenne. I did end up finding 2 more bugs just before she went to bed. I also dried all their bedding, including pillows tonight. And I have vacuumed my couches multiple times. The paranoia in me has me vacuuming my couches before I sit on them, every.single.time.

I do not believe any of us is 'infested' anymore. We just have the few random bugs. I do realize that an infestation could happen again rather quickly. Which is why I am washing the towel they use after every shower, no reusing the towels by anyone. Drying their bedding every day after they get out of bed. Combing their hair every night after their shower & checking their head not only every morning before they leave for school, but picking through their hair multiple times through the day. Vacuuming the couches every day. And the next step in this battle, is a rewashing with Rid on Friday. With another long comb out session. Hopefully that will get the last of the devils minions.

I CANNOT take this anymore. I actually broke down & decided to spend the $30 on that Robi Comb thing. But Walmart did not have it. I couldn't stop at Walgreens on the way home because I had all the groceries. And I couldn't go out to buy it because Kid would have questioned where I was going. And he wouldn't understand the importance of this seemingly useless $30 expense. Especially because he is not working & we can't really afford the $30. But my sanity, the kids heads, & the schools, can't not afford it.

Cheyenne will be going to school tomorrow, whether I found bugs in her hair or not. She is 5 days behind. She is really going to struggle to get caught up. I cannot keep her home until they are completely gone, I just can't.

Ok, I just took a break from this to do some looking online. And this is how insane I am, I even went out to my van to get my flashlight so I could look through Briana's hair. Of course it must've tickled so she sat up in her sleep :P . Anyway, in my online reading, I came across this article about lice. And the thing that really caught my eye was this.......

Nits are not round, but oval. They are light-colored when first laid (yellowish or gray), but darken to a tan or coffee color as the embryo develops.

The reason this caught my eye, was because the last 2 times I combed Briana's hair, I didn't find many bugs but I did find alot of tiny brown looking things. I wasn't sure what they were, now I know, they are eggs ready to hatch, which means that she will have lice again, really soon. Damnit, I guess that is why it is so important to retreat with the Rid.

Also, the other thing I did, was look up Walgreens & called the 3 Walgreens closest to my house to see if they have the Robi Comb. One had a spot for it on the shelf but they are out of it. One had no idea whether they have it or not. And the 3rd said they didn't carry it at all. I also called CVS & they don't have it either. Shit, what am I going to do? I can't order it online because Kid will question why I am getting a package when we have no money. I can't go driving around looking for it because 1. I don't have the gas & 2. Kid is home, where can I tell him I am going?

GOD, I am soooooooooo frustrated, as you can tell *sigh* .

Anyway, enough about stupid gaoddamn head lice.

I guess I am just going to go to bed now. After a shower & a combing session on myself.

Must be that time....

2008-02-25T00:28:00.003-05:00

of the month soon. I feel so blah. I had a migraine pop up out of nowhere on Saturday. I want to eat everything in the house. I feel so unbelievably overwhelmed. I have a million things to do & I have no freaking idea on where to even start. I just want to crawl in bed & sleep but yet then I don't want to do that. I HATE THIS FEELING!!!!!

Well, shit, its almost 1am, I better call it a night *sigh*. I've got nothing good to write about anyway.........................

Over it.

2008-02-21T00:12:00.002-05:00

And not in a bad way either, LOL. I am not as upset anymore as I was last night (read my MySpace blog if you are wondering, LOL). It is what it is. I told him this morning that I need more than that. I need to be touched & kissed. I even asked him if he doesn't like kissing me because of my teeth. He looked at me like I was crazy & said no, LOL. But I just put it all aside, screw it. Not worth getting pissed over. I had hoped we might be able to tonight but alas, he got fucked up again & passed out really really early. No surprise there. But I am not mad. I'm just going to watch a movie instead.

Cheyenne stayed home sick today. I don't think she was sick but whatever. Kid got up with the kids again today. It is really sad that both girls asked me to get up & take them in the morning. They are sick of their dad, sick of his mouth, his attitude, of him. But I sleep in whenever I can. Hmmmm, does that make me a bad mom?

Well, I guess I better go start that movie before it gets too late. Tomorrow is another day.

Breathing a sigh of relief.

2008-02-16T03:44:00.001-05:00

So, many of you know what kind of Panther fan I am. And what kind of Zednik fan I am. Sunday night during the game at Buffalo there was a horrible accident. Our captain Olli Jokinen was checked & as he went down his leg went up & Richard Zednik who was on the prowl for the puck was cut on his neck by Olli's skate. It was horrible, just horrible!!! I was in the kitchen when Cheyenne yelled "Oh My God Oh My God Zednik is hurt!! Cut bad!!". I ran to the living room just in time to see him skating to the bench. My heart nearly stopped seeing all the blood. And then to see him stumble as they headed down the tunnel. I was so incredibly worried. I really thought he might die. So, I stalked the Panthers website & message board all week long. I even started posting. I looked up pictures, I looked up videos, I even watched the saved game on my DVR, I finally deleted it last night. I was so consumed by it. But of course as the week has gone by & the updates have gotten better & better, I have relaxed. It no longer consumes me anyway. The people on the message board are calling him "Richard the Lionheart".

I think because it is just absolutely amazing that he was cut so severely, the surgeon said his carotid artery was severed to the point it was "hanging by a thread", and yet he managed to skate to his bench, to the aid of medical personnel. They have said that if it wasn't for his quick thinking & the response of the medical staff at the arena, he could have died. Yea, hockey is a rough sport & these guys are tough but this is the kind of accident that rarely happens. Or at least when it does, it is rarely life threatening.

So, the latest update, Zed should be released tomorrow, well, today, and heading home to South Florida!!!

The love & support that has come from the whole NHL fan nation for the Zednik's, the Panthers & the fans has just been amazing. I have to say that hockey players are a whole different breed of man & hockey fans are in a class all by themselves. It is just amazing!!

I think this quote from an Oilers fan says it best, in my honest opinion.......

"Nobody holds a candle to hockey players when it comes to class and toughness. In what other sport can you get slashed with a blade, clubbed with a stick, beaten to a pulp by a goon, run into walls, thrown down on hard ice -- all the while freezing your behind off -- and shrug it off to come back every two days and do it all over again?"

Anyway, in honor of Zed, I made this collage thing.

I have started playing around with Photoshop alot more. I still have alot to learn with it but here are a few things I have made. After the collage, I made Cheyenne a sig.

And then I made this Go Cats thing.

And an avatar, but I am not using it because Cheyenne doesn't think it is good enough I guess :P .

And my favorite thing I made, my new sig for the Panthers message board. I was so freakin' excited about this :P .

Oh & I also made Quinn's banner.

The next thing I am going to work on is a sig of the kids for GBM.

Okay enough of that.

I had some more to talk about but crap, it is nearly 4am. I'll get back to this tomorrow.

Oh, the Panthers won tonight, 4 to 2 against the Capitals!! We needed that!!

Nite my friends!!

Bummed......

2008-02-09T00:56:00.000-05:00

I am actually really bummed about last nights 1 pound loss. I realize that it is my fault, I have slowly started eating crappy or I guess I should say crappier this week. I blame my period but seriously, that is not a good excuse. When I say crappy, I mean like a cup of coffee & a 100 calorie pack of cookies in the afternoon & then after dinner a 40 calorie fudgesicle & a 100 calorie pack of cookies. No fruit, no salads all week, mainly because we can't really afford it. So, I am slowly creeping back into a bad cycle with food. And no exercise at all :( . I was walking to get Zach but then Kid has been home so he has been getting up to take the kids to school & he was walking to get Zach. Therefore letting me sleep in, until like 11am. And then I do nothing at all but sit on my ass.

So, I turned it around, starting today. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, a Lean Cuisine pizza for lunch with a diet coke, then a 90 calorie pack of yummy rice cake things, then oh, I was bad, a 90 calorie cereal bar. Then dinner, I made ham, egg & cheese sandwiches, I used Pam to cook the egg & fake butter spray on the bread, with a 100 calorie pack of crackers & half a vitamin water. Carrots & light ranch dressing & yogurt raisins. Lots of water, that I have not failed with, lots & lots of water.

But the biggest accomplishment of the day, Kid asked me if I wanted him to go get Briana & I said no. I walked to get Briana. Which is a bit further than Zach's school. And I walked fast, like really worked my legs & was even a little out of breath. I am proud of that.

And I am going to partly blame my period for last night because I feel so bloated today. Next week will be better.

I was also bummed because Kid heard from the lawyer that they cut him a check this morning for his car & they are sending it overnight. It is not alot of money, like $3000. But $1500 to $2000 goes to a new car & at the very least $750 to the landlord. But I asked, since we have a little money in the bank, only $300, but I asked if maybe we could go out to dinner for my birthday. He of course yelled at me. And he is right, just because we get a small amount of money, doesn't mean we can run right out & spend like it's all okay. He is not working, we don't know when the next money is coming in. But then there is that 'fuck it all' part of me that doesn't want to look at the big picture.

And then there is that tiny little bit of me that is actually hoping the lawyer does sue & get money out of all this for Kid. It feels like it is our turn. But yet not, it's never anyones turn. I guess I just have that tiny little hope that we can actually live in peace for a short period of time. Like everyone hopes & wishes for. I guess it is also a little bit of seeing people walk away from stuff like this with some money in their pocket & hoping that maybe we can be one of those people. Though the reality is, it won't happen because we are not that lucky. Blah, I don't know.

Anyway, after his initial blow up, he came & asked me where I wanted to go eat. And I told him that since Shari & Emily were not going to Daytona this weekend we would be going out with her. And that we would split the cost, therefore relieving some pressure off him. However, I did sense a little disappointment & a little later I asked him if he wanted to go out with us. And he said no, he knew they would be here & he didn't want to go with them. He didn't care. Then I told him that besides, I really want chinese & he hates chinese, LOL. So, he got over it & he is letting us go. No problems. No worries. And then later on he said if he has some money then we would go out for Valentine's Day, though I am not holding my breath for that :P .

Well, hell, it is very late, I want to work on my playlists, I want to get them done, LOL. I am nearly there. And I guess I have blabbed enough.

Night my friends!!!!

Once upon a time, long long ago.....

2008-02-07T23:15:00.001-05:00

I was a girl. I had the whole world in front of me. I could do anything. I could be anything. I could go anywhere. And here I am. Did I choose this life or did this life choose me? I am not unhappy. I love my children with all my heart, they mean the world to me. They are my sunshine on a cloudy day, I know a cheesy cliche but it's true. Most days I love my husband. He can be good to me. He was an ass earlier tonight but he apologized. I know he is stressed........

Most days I am happy.

I guess it is easy to wonder what might have been when I really haven't accomplished anything in my life. I am coming up on my 32nd birthday & in my heart I still feel like a teen. I guess I even still act like a teen at times..........

Should I act so 'young at heart' when I am raising kids myself, one of which is quickly approaching her teens?? I don't know. But I worry quite a lot if I am doing a good job. If they will be smarter than me, make better choices than me? What kind of adults will they be? What kind of parents will they be? What are they going to accomplish in their lives? I think I have written these questions before, wouldn't be surprising, since I wonder about this quite often.

Anyway, tonight is weigh in night. I am nervous. I wonder if I should just go & get it done with now. Usually I do it at 1 or 2 am, after a shower, naked. But I probably won't be showering tonight. If I have gained weight, I will be disappointed. I feel like I have gained. Especially since I have sat on my ass in front of this computer all frigging day. Using the excuse 'I don't feel good'. Lame lame lame.

Oh screw it, its bugging me, I need to go weigh :P .

I lost 1 pound, just one pound. I guess now I can use the excuse of my period :P . But you know I am going to go take a shower & weigh at 2am now :P .

So, while IMing with Quinn last night, she posted some stuff to me. She posted some stuff about ADD in women.

Some of that stuff could be me. Could I be ADD?? Can I blame my messy house & unorganized self on that?? I just call it lazy.

Well, I am actually, amazingly, running out of stuff to write about. I am still working on playlists for my MP3 player. Can you believe I have had this since Monday & the only thing I have downloaded on it is Justin Timberlake's album???

Bye for now, you know I will be back at 2am to post whether I have lost any more weight :P .

Good conversation!!

2008-02-06T16:40:00.000-05:00

My brother called today. The last time he called he sounded horrible. He sounded completely out of it. I worry about him all the time. So, I was a bit surprised to see his name on the caller id around 12:30pm. But we talked for about an hour. He sounded so good. Everything is going pretty good for him & I am so happy!!! He is buying a car, working, on his meds. Basically doing the right thing. And he even said he really needs the meds to feel good. He has finally seen the light. I just wish we could live closer together. He is the only one I have left. And it was so hard to sit by & see him so sick for so long & not be able to do anything about it.

I have not done anything today, well, besides some dishes. I have been pretty steady working on them. But I am still sitting here in my pjs & probably will stay in my pjs until I take a shower & put a clean pair of pjs on.

I'm kind of bummed. My birthday is Sat. We almost always go out to eat. But this year we have no money at all for it & that is depressing. I know, what right do I have to be bitching, I got a new computer & an MP3 player, and believe me, I do consider those birthday gifts. It's just always nice to not have to cook on my birthday. And it's nice to go out together as a family. Kid never goes out with us, NEVER. So, most likely, my birthday will come & go, like every other day. No dinner, me cooking, not even a little slice of yummy sweetness. Just another day........

It did occur to me to get drunk but I don't even have anything worth drinking.......

Blah, better get back to the dishes & downloading music. I am dying to download my playlists to my player, LOL.